I sat at my computer, clasping my hands together to keep them from trembling. I closed my eyes, picturing Jack limping out of his car.
I had to do this. I was sick and tired of bearing all these burdens alone. I was tired of being trapped in the cycle of terror and abuse I'd spent so long in. It was time to break through that cage of fear and face down my demons.
I pulled up my browser and looked over at the family picture on my dresser. If I did this, I couldn't go back. I couldn't forget any of it.
Turning my attention back to the keyboard, I slowly typed my name into the search engine. It was time to know the truth.
A random memory hit me, as if hoping to distract me before I could hit enter. It was one of me and my parents, before my mother left and my father tightened his hold on me. It was just the three of us washing my father's car on a nice day. My mother patiently showing me how to clean off the windshield, my father lifting me into his arms so I could reach. The two of us laughing as mom lightly sprayed us with the hose.
A normal family. We'd been a normal family in that moment, enjoying a nice day together. A couple playing with their young son.
But memory was a tricky thing. Had that really even happened? Was I remembering it right? Was the smile on my mother's face imagined? Was the laugh echoing through my mind really my father's?
Feeling that light throb at the back of my head, I slammed my finger down on the enter key before I could chicken out. I dragged my gaze up to the computer screen and felt my breath catch in my throat.
There I was, 16 and smiling, a picture my father had taken of me not long before I ran away. Under that picture, large letters screamed out the word "MISSING".
A description of me was under the picture. 16, blonde hair, noticeable scar near my ear, my height, my weight, my eye color, the timeframe I'd disappeared in. My dad's cell number and the house number, begging for any sightings of me, any useful information. A picture of the bike I'd ridden away on.
I kept scrolling, looking at the progression of the missing posters. Always the same picture and information, but updated to include what my current age would've been.
There were small articles in the local newspaper begging for information on my whereabouts. There were cash rewards for any information leading to my discovery. Small articles about the failed search attempts for me.
It seemed as though my father involved everyone he knew, but they all gave up after I turned 18. Everyone but him. There was an article not that old with the description of my 16 year old self, announcing my current age and offering money for any information that helped find me.
I leaned back in my chair, body sagging down. He was still searching for me. He had been searching relentlessly for 5 years.
Did my mom know I was missing? What did my dad plan to do if he ever found me?
My door swung open and I closed my eyes. Whatever, let them know.
"Well, look at you. You're goddamn famous," Jer said, voice close to me.
I opened my eyes as Jer stepped up next to me. He eyed the missing poster and reached out, shutting my laptop.
"Get off your ass. Lunch is ready. Quit being a fucking self-centered diva," he said, turning to leave the room. He paused in the doorway and glanced back at me. "Even if he found you, he can't do anything. Congratulations Ace, you're a fucking adult."
He left my room, leaving the door open as he went. I got up, eyeing my laptop before leaving the room as well.
Jer was right; it was over. He could find me, but I was too old to drag back. I'd worked hard to keep myself untraceable so that he couldn't find me, but it didn't even matter anymore. I'd stayed hidden until I was 18, and now I was safe from the prison he disguised as a home.
I went downstairs, where Jer and Christian were sitting at the table. They'd made pasta, dropping us back into our monotonous eating routine.
"Ike's at work," Christian said, sliding a plate to me as I sat down.
"What a hardworking hero," I said, picking up my fork and digging in.
"Don't you have work tonight?" Jer asked.
I shrugged, because I had a feeling I wouldn't show up. I knew I needed the money, but I had something more important to do and I didn't know how long it would take me.
I glanced at my friends, feeling stupid for not realizing it before. Jer hadn't been surprised by the information of me that I'd been looking at.
They must have seen it before. They must have all seen it. Maybe they'd been keeping an eye on it to make sure no one was close to finding me.
I looked out of the window, wondering why it had taken me so long to piece it together. I reached up and rubbed the scar near my ear, bursts of my Aunt's anger and my father's threats exploding in my mind. Things I'd always associated with love as a child, because surely they were just trying to mold me into a good man.
"Hey, Ace, quit zoning out. You're dropping your food," Christian said.
I looked down and realized that pasta had slipped off of my fork onto the ground. I bent down and picked it up, effortlessly tossing it into the garbage can across the room. I set my fork down and stood up, my appetite gone. I had to silence my thoughts and do what I had to do.
"Don't waste your food," Jer said in annoyance, grabbing my arm and yanking me back into the chair.
I looked at him, reading between the lines. Eat something. Don't wreck your health anymore.
But my stomach was twisting itself into tight knots and I knew I wouldn't be able to force my food down. So I stood up again and forced a smirk.
"I'll feed you, fatass. I've got work to get to," I said, sliding him my plate and stepping away before he could grab my arm again.
I left the kitchen and went upstairs, shutting my bedroom door. I pulled out my cellphone, dialing Ryan's number.
"Hey Ace," he answered after a few rings.
"So, remember that time at the restaurant that it was really busy and I helped you out and said you owed me?"
"Oh, Jesus. What do you want?"
"I want you to find someone to cover my shift tonight."
Ryan let out a disbelieving laugh. "Ace, your shift starts soon, doesn't it? There's no time to get it covered."
"That's why it's your job now. I have shit to take care of. Get my shift covered and your favor is paid. Don't get it covered and you owe me twice." I hung up the phone, stuffing it in my pocket and leaving my room.
I left the house and grabbed my bike, starting off towards Jack's house. My mind was racing and my instincts were begging me to turn around and just go to work, but I fought against the impulse. I was doing this. Today was a day for facing these fears and flight responses.
Jack's house came into view and I set my bike down, knocking on the front door. I waited as I could faintly hear someone shuffling around inside.
Jack pulled the door open and raised an eyebrow. "My car isn't stuck in a ditch anymore. I thought I got rid of you?"
He was wearing shorts, revealing the medical tape carefully wrapped around his knee. I spread my arms.
"Here I am," I said.
"Unfortunately. What do you want, Ace?" he asked.
"To talk to you. To..." I struggled for a moment and dropped my gaze, glaring at the ground. "To apologize. For telling Delaney."
"You mean for lying to Delaney? Because what you told him wasn't exactly the truth," Jack said.
"Yea, for lying," I said. "Look, whatever, I'm here to apologize."
"You're wasting both of our time," he said.
I looked up in surprise. Jack's lips twisted into an unamused grin.
"What, Ace? You thought you could come here and say sorry and everything would be okay? That'd I'd tell you I forgive you and we could start making out? Because that's not how it works. My best friend means more to me than kissing some guy who clearly isn't trustworthy." Jack leaned against the doorway, taking the weight off of his injured leg. "You can't just hurt people like that and expect sorry to fix it. Really, you're lucky if anything can fix it. And it's not just me you owe an apology to."
I stared at him, trying to comprehend what he was saying. What the hell was I supposed to do besides apologize?
"Go home, Ace. Stop before you make things worse. You made your decision. If you regret it, that's your own fault," Jack said.
"Jack-" I started.
He held his hand up, cutting me off. "I don't want to hear it. Face your own consequences."
He shut the door and I heard the lock click. I stood at the door for a few minutes, as if waiting for Jack to come back.
But he didn't.
Slowly, I turned and picked my bike up. I began to wheel it next to me as I walked away from Jack's place.
I reached my own house and tossed my bike in the garage. Jer looked up at me from the porch and glared.
"Why aren't you at work?" he demanded.
"Because I didn't go," I said, climbing the stairs, feeling exhausted all of a sudden.
Jer reached out and grabbed my arm. "Why the fuck not?"
"Because I went to Jack's instead to apologize. And that blew up in my face," I said. "I'm not in a good mood, Jericho. Let go of my arm."
"Christ, Ace, you're such a dumbass." Jer released my arm. "You know words don't mean shit. We never apologize around here."
I stopped, because he was right. We didn't apologize. We did little things to make it up to each other.
"Jericho Micaiah Douglas, you're a genius!" I cried.
Jer snarled a little. "Don't use my full name. I hate it when you use my full name."
I ignored him, realizing that Jack would never accept an apology from me. Not after what I'd done to him and Delaney.
But there were still things I could do to fix this. I should be good at putting pieces back together after all this time of repairing myself. I could do this.
I could fix things and have Jack forgive me.
I went into the house and up to my room, kicking the door shut. I had expected to spend more time at Jack's house, but now I could use the time off from work to get everything else set.
I looked at the stack of CDs in my room, all of them decorated with Jack's handwriting. Delaney. He was more concerned over his fallout with Delaney.
If I could get Delaney to make up with Jack, I might have a shot at getting Jack to forgive me. I laid on my bed, closing my eyes.
My mind called up the times I'd gotten into nasty fights with the guys in my house. We did little things to apologize to each other, words unnecessary. Small gestures like saving dinner for each other or grabbing someone's favorite drink on the way home from work or putting on their favorite movie after work and watching it with them. Small things that showed we were sorry and we didn't want things to stay strained.
But this was a big fuck up. Alexis rose in my mind, another big fuck up that I'd never even attempted to fix. I'd always just dismissed Alexis as having abandoned us.
I jumped off of my bed and left the house again, getting on my bike, ignoring Jer as he yelled my name. I felt anxious and on edge, not quite sure what I was on edge about.
My feet peddled and the bike glided over the sidewalk as I made my way down towards the apartment Alexis currently lived at. I wasn't sure how far back I had to go to fix this situation, but I knew that if I couldn't fix things with Alexis, I had no chance of fixing them with Jack.
When I reached the apartment, I leaned my bike against the wall and rang the doorbell. Alexis opened the door a moment later, his face emotionless, just like always.
"Hi Ace," he said, his tone falling back on the polite façade he'd perfected.
I pushed past him and stepped into his apartment. "We need to talk."
"Yea, sure." He led me through to the living room, gesturing at me to sit on the couch. Micah watched me from his spot on the floor, a few cheap toys laid out in front of him.
"Hi Ace," he said.
"Hey kid," I said, nodding at him.
Alexis went over and lifted Micah up, gathering his toys. "Micah, Ace and I need to talk. Do you mind playing in your room?"
"Sure!" Micah said.
Alexis carried the little boy out of the room. He returned after a moment and sat down in a chair across from me, nodding at me to speak.
So I did. I explained everything that had happened with Delaney and Jack. I let the words pour from my mouth, fighting the urge to keep it locked away in my head. There were too many things buried there. I was tired of wrestling the door of my mind closed every time something new came up.
Being in the car with Jack and letting some of that weight off of my shoulders had felt so good, so damn relieving. I wanted to keep experiencing that feeling.
Alexis's expression didn't change as I spoke, though his expression rarely changed in general. He was always emotionally disconnected, just an autopilot of politeness.
"...and now I'm trying to fix everything," I finished.
"Give me your phone," Alexis said, holding his hand out.
"This is not the time to give me your number," I said, tossing him my phone.
Alexis ignored my sarcasm as he scrolled through my phone. He typed for a minute before tossing the phone back to me.
"There. I told this Delaney guy to meet you at the café tomorrow to talk," he said.
"You could've let me read the message before you hit send," I grumbled.
"Ace, I hope you're serious about this," Alexis said. "Don't go to all this trouble if you're just planning on ending things with him another way."
"I'm trying to apologize." Feeling embarrassed, I glared at the ground. I hated talking about this kind of shit.
"You know you don't have to apologize to me. I'm not mad at you," he said.
I looked up in surprise. "You moved out."
"Because you weren't good for Micah. You were turning into your father. But now you're trying to be a better person. You have a long way to go, but I'm just glad you're even trying," he said with a shrug.
"God, you're a sappy fucker," I said, grinning a little.
He eyed the beanie on my head. "Guess I am."
I stood up. "I'm leaving. Thanks for fucking up my life. Next time, let me see a message before you send it."
He stood up as well. "You're welcome."
He walked me to the door, watching as I stepped outside. He crossed his arms over his chest.
"Ace, I mean it. Think before you act. Don't do all of this only to hurt them again," he said.
"Got it, mom," I said, picking my bike up. "I may not know exactly what I'm doing, but I know the goal of it all."
"That's a start. Good luck," he said.
I got on my bike and rode away from Alexis's house. So tomorrow, I'd meet with Delaney and I'd tell him the truth. I'd get him to forgive Jack so that could forgive me.
I'd certainly made a mess for myself, but now I was going to clean it up. I'd show Jack that I was serious. I'd be a better man than my father. I'd be more permanent than my mother. I'd give myself something in life worth living for.