Chapter 16: Excuses
"E-Exellor??"
And just like that, his tight hold on my collar loosened, falling slowly, as his eyes widen at the sight of Rhianne, who had the same expression as him. I was catching my breath. What he did to me, surprisingly took my breath. I felt like running from a 1000 km fun run. My heart beats were fast. I had deep breaths, which he heard that made his eyes return to me. Somehow, my eyes went to my hands.
"A-Anong ginagawa niyo rito?" She asked curiously, looking around the classroom.
"Uhh...Rhianne..." Paul Trevor tried to find something to reason out. It's obvious.
"He was angry at me." I answered for him, and looked at Rhianne, whose expression never changed, meanwhile Paul Trevor's eyes widen at me. I even saw how his mouth opened wanting to say something, but nothing came out.
"Umm..." Rhianne awkwadly started. "Pwede bang malaman... bakit?"
Long silence conquered the seconds where my eyes went to Rhianne's brown ones. She's beautiful. She resembled Aphrodite in this school. She was the 'it' girl, as other girls pointed out that I always overhear. Her eyes were trying to swim into mine, but I hope she can get deeper behind my ocean of mystery. She was standing near us, and looking like a frozen statue. I felt something to that look that I didn't want to happen.
"He's forcing me to go to the band's gig this Friday but I don't want to." I say straightforwardly, wearing my backpack. She slowly walked towards us.
"Trev? Why are you forcing her?"
But even before I saw his hand to stop me, I got out of the room, hoping to not hear them two talk anymore.
[PAUL TREVOR'S POV]
"Umm... pwede bang malaman... bakit?"
Rhianne's presence shocked me. Almost entirely my whole existence. I don't want her to know the thing between me and Exellor. Luckily, Gregor isn't spilling the destiny thing to her 'cause I know she might get suspiscious around her. When I talk to girls, she was very protective to me, doing everything she can just to see if I'm doing something that should bother us both.
But this scene is different. Exellor is different from all the other girls I talk to. She isn't the typical one.
My eyes went back and forth on the two, seeing a shocked, curious eyes from Rhianne, while Exellor still had the emotionless face, but noticed she was breathing deeply.
"He's forcing me to go to the band's gig this Friday but I don't want to." Exellor answered, looking at her as he wore her backpack on her back. I saw Rhianne walked towards me. I don't know what came to me, but my hands went to grab Exellors'... but she went away too fast. My eyes still was on hers. When she was gone, everything that I felt got mixed up.
Nawala ang kaninang galit ko, na napalitan ng pagtataka, pagkalito, at kaba. Parang sasabog ang ulo ko dahil sa mga nangyari. Napakapa naman ako sa noo ko, at hindi talaga makapaniwala sa mga naiisip at nararamdaman. What is wrong with me?
"Trev."
"H-Ha?"
I just realized that she's holding both of my arms, looking at me. Nakalma naman ako and looked at her. I can see her eyes moving, scanning mine, as her lips were slightly parted.
"Can you hear me?"
"U-Uh... O-Oo naman Rhianne."
"Are you okay?"
"Y-Yes."
Tinanggal niya ang dalawang kamay niyang nakahawak kanina sa magkabilang braso ko. Napayuko siya, so it was my turn to hold both her arms.
"Look.." I started. "I'm just... maybe stressed. I t-thought hindi siya magiging komportable. Naguluhan kasi ako sa kanya. Tingnan mo naman diba, ang antisocial niya, pero kung kausapin si Jayvee kanina eh parang close pa sila."
Tumango-tango si Rhianne. "Yeah, I've noticed that too, actually. Umm, bakit ka nga pala umalis kaninang lunch?" she asked.
I actually don't know. I just knew that my blood was boiling, looking at Jayvee and Exellor talking like they're close. Biglang nag-init ang ulo ko, the fact that I sar her comfortable with someone else made me feel uneasy. Made me nervous somehow. Made my mind fill with dark thoughts.
"I... was stressed out I guess."
Kita ko na ngumiti siya ng kaunti, at natingin sa akin. "Tell me Trev. Look at me."
So I did, at parang nadagdag pa yung kaba ko nang magtama ang mga mata namin. Maraming sumaging mga ala-ala sa titigan naming iyon.
"Minahal kita, Trev. Matagal na. Hindi mo lang alam."
"A-Are you really–"
"Gusto mo ba ako, Rhianne?"
Kita ko ang pagkagulat sa mga mukha niya when I asked her the question. Napanganga ang kanyang labi ng kaunti, and smiled. "Why are you asking that?"
"I just want to know. So, do you like me Rhianne Jaqui?"
It took seconds, which felt like minutes before she answered: "No, I don't Trev."
Nagpakawala ako ng hininga nang makita siyang ngumiti at natatawa pa. "Akala ko naman. I just dreamt of you last time."
"Really?" manghang-manghang tanong niya.
"Yep." I winked at her. "You must be thinking of me. Ganun ba ako kapogi para isipin mo?"
Napahalakhak ako ng pinaghahampas niya ako dahil sa asar. "Ang yabang-yabang mo talaga Trev!"
"Eh totoo naman! Tara na nga."
***
Hinatid ko pauwi si Rhianne. Nagmadali ako sa pagmamaneho ko sa aking motor at buti na nga lang hindi ako naaksidente. I was relieved when she told me that she did not like me. I mean, she isn't hiding something to me or anything. If she ever liked me, then she'll tell. If ever I'll have feelings for her, I'll tell it to her myself.
Hindi ako yung tipo ng lalaki na mahilig mang-trip. I don't really like spending time with girls, what I like are video games. Palagi akong napupuyat dahil sa MOBA games and pretty much, dala ko pa rin iyon dahil sa paglalaro ko ng Mobile Legends sa school. Pwede naman dahil nakaka-access ako sa wi-fi na available lang for Senior High students.
I would admit that I'm still immature. Halata naman sa lifestyle ko, pero ayaw ko lang talaga sa mga girls, nawala ang interes ko dahil sa pagkamatay ng nanay ko. I mean I can show off, do stuff and even flirt a little, but I can't start a proper relationship. Everything's just a game to me.
Nakarating ako sa fields ni Don Kael after a few minutes, at pinasok iyon (gamit parin ang nakakubling metal fence around it na si Exellor lang ang nakakaalam). I ran as fast as I could para makita kung nasa may puno siya kung saan yung una naming pagkikita. Wala akong pakealam kung mahuli man ako ni Don Kael but I just need to talk to that damn girl!
"Dammit!" sambit ko nang hindi ko siya naabutan doon na usually nakasandal sa trunk siguro.
Tumakbo muli ako papunta sa may lake, doon sa may maaliwalas na parte ng fields. Hingal na hingal akong nakarating doon, and I saw her, lied down on the green grass, still wearing her uniform. Nakatitig siya sa halos mag-kulay orange na kalangitan, sa hindi maintindihang ekspresyon.
Ilang distansya lang ako sa kanya at alam kong naramdaman niya ang presensiya ko nang pumikit siya ng marahan at naglabas ng isang malalim na hininga.
"Exellor..." tawag ko sa pangalan niya. Imbes na isigaw ko iyon, ay para bang malumanay ang pagkakatawag ko doon. Kita ko ang biglaang pagbukas ng mga mata niya na nakatingala pa rin sa kalangitan. Nakaramdam ako ng nerbyos sa pagtitig sa mga iyon.
"Yes?" mahinang tanong niya.
"Can we talk?" dapat galit ako pero bakit wala akong lakas na sumigaw ngayon? Bakit pilit kong iniinda ang sakit sa ulo ko dahil sa pagkalito? Bakit?
Naupo siya at umalis sa pagkakahiga. Ako naman 'tong lumapit sa kanya, at pumunta sa harapan niya mismo. Maaliwalas ang kanyang mukha, ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa bandang paanan ko, ang mga kamay niyang nakatapat sa magkabilang katawan niya, habang sumasayaw sa hangin ang kanyang buhok, suot pa rin naman ang beanie niyang pula.
Why does she keep wearing that? And why is she staring at my shoes? I looked down and there's nothing wrong with it!
Ang wirdo talaga!
"Why are you...REALLY like that?!" bulalas ko, looking at her. Her eyes suddenly shifted to mine.
"I don't know, Paul."
Ayan nanaman tayo!
"PAUL NANAMAN?! Just call me Trevor, or Trev! I don't know! You keep messing my head, you weirdo! You talk to him like he's okay with you but with me? You have to be–to be some kind of a puzzle piece that I don't even know where to put! Where's justice on that, Exellor?!"
"Your name's Paul. It's your own legal name. I can call you that, and I thought we're done with Jayvee–"
"JAYVEE! Jayvee nanaman!" halos masabunutan ko na yung ulo ko sa inis! Nakakainis siya! Masyadong unfair!
"Why are you shouting?" bigla niyang tinanong sakin.
"Kasi galit ako! Galit ako dahil nakakabanas ka na!"
"Then why are you still talking to me?"
"Nakikipagkaibigan ako sa'yo, okay? Ako na nga 'tong nagpapakumbaba ikaw pa 'tong choosy! Talagang siya pa a!"
"What if I talk to Gregori–"
"Oh, don't THINK ABOUT IT!" napaupo ako sa inis, at pangigigil pero wala man lang nagbabago sa mukha niya at wala parin itong ekspresyon. Kita kong natuon ang kanyang atensyon sa mga kamay niya na ngayon ay nasa harapan niya (naka-indian seat siya) at binubunot-bunot ang maliliit na damo.
"Too jealous... You know... sometimes..." panimula niya.
"What?!" halata pa rin sa tono ko ang pagkairita kahit na tahimik ang paligid at kita ko sa mukha niya na wala pa ring pagbabago.
"Sometimes... I get jealous too..."
Jealous? Napakunot ako ng noo. Nawala ang inis na nararamdaman ko kanina sa dibdib ko at napalitan ng pagtataka. I tried looking at her carefully but I can't read her actions.
"Jealous of what?" jealous of... me?
"Jealous of your friends. They have unique qualities that they share, and they... just enjoy having that."
"... You can speak normally if you want. You can speak in Tagalog and not use any words that drains my brain, Exellor."
Huminga siya ng malalim bago muli magsalita. This time, her eyes are on me. "Naiiggit ako dahil kaya nilang ngumiti kahit walang dahilan. Dahil nandyan ang bawat isa sa kanila dahil may tiwala sila."
Parang bumigat ang aking dibdib sa mga sinabi niya. Nalulungkot rin pala siya. Deep inside. Which hurts a lot than crying it all out.
"Bakit mo kailangang maging inggit sa kanila? Tao ka rin naman tulad nila, siguro mayaman ka rin naman dahil nakapag-aral ka pa ng Florentin, and ay kaibigan ka rin naman ah, si Jamiel tsaka yung Chris."
"You think they know me? You think I told them all my secrets?" she raised a brow that emphasized secrets. Maybe I'm going somewhere deeper than a misty forest. Maybe she's something even rare than diamonds.
"Diba alam rin naman siguro ni Don Kael yung mga sinasabi mong sikreto mo?"
I saw how she bitterly chuckled at that, looking at the sky that's turning dark. "He's just barely scratching the surface of me. I don't want him to know me. Especially, the two (Jamiel and Chris). They don't even know why, and what's the reason I go here. They hadn't even stepped a foot at this place."
Wait? So ako lang pinapasok niya?
"Wait, I'm the only one who knows this place? A-And I'm the only one who got in here besides you?!"
Tumango siya. Napaawang ang bibig ko, at lalong lumakas ang kanina pang kumakabog na dibdib sa... kaba.
"I don't know why I had to let you in. The fact that you just came into my life doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that I let you flush out all your frustration on me, let you sit beside me, stay at this place, let you answer your questions and be... friends. All that just because I am your... so called destiny for them."
*lub-dub*
Bakit ba lalong bumibigat ang dibdib ko sa bawat bitaw niya ng mga salita niya? Lalong bumilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko, at ramdam kong nanlalamig ang mga daliri ko. Bakit ako nagkakaganito?! Damn, I felt so special kasi she just told me a fourth of her secret na wala pang nakakaalam!
"S-Sabihin mo nga saken, n-nagugustuhan mo na ba ako, Sebastian?"
"Maybe." nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya.
"But I don't want to. I'm trying to stop it."
"Bakit? There's nothing... w-wrong with it."
"I don't want you to be disappointed, and endure pain because of me. You're already in pain."
Natahimik kaming dalawa. Narinig ko lang ang kumakaluskos ng mga tuyong dahon sa damuhan na inuupuan namin ngayon. Nakatingin muli siya sa kawalan at parang ang dami niyang iniisip. Hindi ko mawari kung bakit mas bumilis pa yata ang pagtibok ng puso ko. Mas marami akong naramdamang emosyon sa mga sinabi niya.
I really felt special.
My dad wouldn't care. My friends would not say it. They care, but unexpectedly, not as much as this girl sitting in front of me, staring at nowhere. I scanned her appearance. My eyes traveled from her red beanie to her worn-out beige converses. Why is she doing this to me? Kailangan ko na ba tanggapin itong mga bagong pangyayari sa akin? Alam ko iba na 'to. This is something that doesn't happen that fast.
I stood up, looking down. I looked down and still, she wasn't surprised about it.
"C-Can y-you stand up... E-Exellor?"
Without hesitation, she did. She slowly rose and her eyes were back on mine once again. I felt my hair danced wind the wind, I felt so light.
I took a step forward, and I felt like hours.
I took another step. I felt my legs are heavier as I was coming closer to her.
I just have to see, and feel.
She did not move, nor her eyes left me.
I just know, that both my arms were embracing her. I felt her body stiffen, I felt her breaths on my ear, but what was... something?
That I felt my heart stopped beating for a second.
Para akong napunta sa paradise at that exact moment. A paradise where I'm hugging an angel. A beautiful angel. I felt the cold breeze dance with my hair, I just felt so light. Parang gusto kong lumipad...
Destiny. I would not believe it but my heart does. Gusto ko na 'to.
Gusto ko na siya. Sht.