Posted on November 14th, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.17.5 : S H I M L A - P A R T - O N E . . . |
Aarav tugs at the ends of my kurta to get my attention from where it had been entranced on Khushi walking down the stairs. Her hands were lifting her full-length dress slightly so the layers wouldn't get caught under her feet. I've never quite seen her in an Indian outfit, adorned with light jewelry - a pack of bangles on each hand, the typical long earrings, a necklace, and a maang tikka at the center parting of her hair.
Blinking away from Khushi, I squat down to Aarav's height. "Daddy, she's looking very pretty."
Putting my hand on his back, I chuckled. My eyes found their way to Khushi again. "She is." When our eyes locked, I smiled at her and she returned it, but why did it feel forced? I noticed then the dress was hugging her curves and wondered if it was making her uneasy.
As she walked up to her mother who placed a loving hand on her head, I turned to Aarav. "You have what I gave you?"
He patted his pockets to convey it was safely guarded in there. Then, he asked. "Can I go to Khushi now?"
I nodded and he crossed the room to reach her.
Armaan greeted me and waved me inside. I reached their mother and touched her feet in greeting. We made small conversation before the priest called her saying it was time to start the puja. As I had a moment with Khushi, I asked. "Are you okay?"
She nodded, pressing her lips together in a small smile as she forwarded strands of her hair to rest over her shoulders and cover the off-shoulder sleeves.
I spoke quietly, "You are so not comfortable. Why did you wear this?"
"Mom wanted me to," she answered simply, conveying she wasn't going to argue with her mother. "Anyway, thanks."
"What?"
She nodded towards the small temple in their house in front of which the priest was seated getting together the items required for the veneration. "You've said you don't believe in God but you're still doing this. So, thanks."
This time, I simply answered for it wasn't a tough task. "To marry you per rituals and traditions, anything."
Anjali called us to join them and I nodded for her to go ahead as I made my way to the kitchen to get Kripa where I had seen her going in minutes ago. After returning, I take my seat next to Khushi on the rugs spread on the floor for everyone to sit on.
The priest starts chanting in Sanskrit, a lot of which I don't understand, ofcourse, but I just follow with instructions when he says them in Hindi along with Khushi. As seconds turn into minutes, every few of them, she fidgets in her seat and this isn't discomfort but just impatience as it isn't a quick five-minute prayer but one that lasts almost two hours.
I have to smile at her small quirks.
Riddhima sitting behind her tapped her back in a scolding to stop with the fidgeting and impatience. Khushi threw back a glare but when her mother would give her a pointed look, Khushi would abide - only for a few minutes before the cycle repeats.
It's just the few times when the priest asked me to do something and for her to simply touch my arm when she remained completely still, her fingers barely on my skin.
Somewhere in the middle of it all, Aarav got bored sitting in the back and seemed to want to see what was happening and so he tried to squeeze in between us. Khushi pat her thigh and he readily climbed into her lap. Just to keep him entertained, she put a flower in his tiny palm with some dry rice and covered it with his other palm just like I have.
For a second longer, I looked at the two of them getting along before I had to look away when the priest asked us to put the flower at the deity's feet. As I did, Aarav mimicked, having to stand up halfway to reach the deity and then fall back on Khushi's lap with a force that escaped a breath out of her before she chuckled and draped an arm around him, saying something quietly in his ear that I couldn't hear. Whatever she said though, he nodded and sat quietly. Only occasionally did he insist on covering another flower in his hand.
It was a sight to see Aarav be decent with Khushi for we all knew he pulled many antics and would always have Lavanya and Anjali running after him. And Khushi too, she put up with him without a crinkle on her forehead and sat through the rest of the veneration in peace herself instead of fidgeting about.
With some weird connection, the two seem to mellow around each other. I ofcourse am not going to question it. Her words from last week reassured me when she'd told me she'd once met Aarav during her freshman year of college and it had reestablished her faith in humanity then. Khushi had taken a liking towards Aarav in her way and I have no idea what Aarav had done then to make this happen, but it touched my heart to learn they would get along.
It ate away at my inside knowing I was still hiding so many things from her. I have no idea how she will react. Will she be mad when she finds out Aarav is not my son or Lavanya's and that I lied to her? I want to think she won't. Lately, she's been showing me her understanding and patience, giving me the space to tell her things I've kept to myself one time after another.
And being back in Shimla... it's not a place I like to visit but being near Khushi keeps me sane instead of thinking about everything that has happened to us in this town. To Anjali. To Khushi.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
After the veneration and exchanging rings once again for the engagement, Aarav walked up to me from where he was standing in front of Lavanya. Pulling the bag out of his pocket, he handed it to me.
Pushing open the strings, I took the gold bracelet out of it and forwarded my hand to ask for hers. When she questioned with her eyes, I informed. "It was my mom's."
Her eyes softened in realization and placed her hand in mine, allowing me to slide it to her wrist. If mom were alive, she would've passed it down to Khushi too. She smiled looking at it as it adorned her wrist before glancing up at me. This smile of hers reflected in her eyes.
Her mother directed us to have lunch.
As everyone walked towards the dining area, Armaan caught up to me. "You should tell her."
"What?" His sudden appearance resulted in my brain taking time to understand what topic he was on.
He elaborated, "That you're the guy who brought her to the hospital that night." When he noticed the hesitation on my face, he sighed. "Arnav, I really don't understand why you want to hide it. Whatever fears you have, they are baseless. You two have got a good thing going lately. So just... think about it."
I nodded. I often did wonder whether I should tell her... how I should tell her. I knew I would eventually have to. We were going to get married. I couldn't hide this from her our whole lives. Just, I had to come to terms with my guilt. It was a thin line that I did not know how to cross and confess my biggest regrets to her.
Can I expect her to forgive me? She forgave me for kissing Amanda, breaking that promise, pushing her away on learning I did it because my uncle threatened me with Aarav. Would she forgive me of my narrow-sighted actions back then as well because I chose Aarav over her?
Guess there is only one way to find out.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . C H A P T E R - 17.5 : S H I M L A - P A R T - T W O . . . |
The earlier part of the evening, after lunch, is spent with everyone talking about aimless things. Then, when the ladies decide to get in the kitchen to prepare dinner, I asked her mother. "Aunty, I want to show Khushi something. Can I take her out for some time?"
She gave permission at once, "Oh, ofcourse damad ji."
She didn't put a limit, but Anjali did add, "Be back before dinner time."
I nodded, thanked her mother and looked at Khushi. She said, "Guess I'll go change."
Fifteen minutes later, she returned in her normal clothes.
The drive over, I was tensed imagining the different ways she would react. She tried to ask me what I wanted to show her, but I said 'something' because I just had to show her. I couldn't tell her where I was taking her. The evening sun set and darkness started to envelop around us. As I turned on a road and she looked ahead in the distance at the old house standing, abandoned, she teased, "Is this some haunted house? You know I am not scared of such things."
Yeah, I imagine she isn't. She's had worse things happen to her in reality to be scared of a concept of ghost that I don't believe exists.
I stopped the car some distance from the gates and turn off the ignition. Inhaling deeply, I reached for the handle. "Come on," I said and got out of the car.
She followed and stopped beside me where I stood in front of the car but not taking any steps towards the gates. She leaned back on the bonnet of the car, asking. "So, what am I supposed to see here?"
"This house," I answered my mind far away.
"Right, are we going to go in or not? It looks like no one's lived here for some time though." She was completely unaware, making me come to the conclusion that whoever had brought her here that night, she must have not been able to see. Else, she would certainly recognize where she was and would not be this normal.
I shook my head to answer her question, "No." Even if I wasn't able to sell the house and still had the keys, I wouldn't put her through entering the house. Just here, from a safe distance.
From my peripheral, I could see her head turning to me. "Then why are we here?"
I cleared my throat, "You know how we met in Australia that one morning you were running late for your class?"
When I turned my head to hers briefly after I pause, her forehead is pulled together in confusion for why I was bringing that up but still answered, "Yeah?"
"That wasn't our first meeting."
She chuckled in humor, "Ofcourse it was."
I let her think that for now, for a few more seconds. "I don't like Shimla much. All the good memories with my parents were replaced with bad ones."
"Arnav... you're not making any sense."
I nodded towards the house, "I was born here."
She followed my gaze to the old structure of the house which hasn't been attended to in over a decade. "You... here? You're from Shimla?"
I inhaled deeply, bringing my arms around my chest as if to prepare myself. "Khushi, there's something I should have told you long time ago."
She could tell from my tone that I was hesitant. Gently, she encouraged, "What is it?"
"I told you my parents passed away when I was 11." She nodded and I continued, "We moved to Nainital to live with Kripa afterwards." She nodded again. "When I was 16, Di was 20 and old enough so we moved back to Shimla for two years. It's when I met Lavanya. She lived here too back then. And when I was 18, we left. I got admission in Australia. But a year later, just for a day, I came back to sell our house and..." I inhaled deeply as if needing to gather the courage, "And, this is where I found you that night."
For a second, her brows were knit together. "Meeting you here, I think I would remember that." She countered and I allowed her a moment to let things sink.
Just for a day... sell our house... found you...
Putting the words together, she inhaled through her mouth. "You... you saved me." She whispered out, not trusting her own voice to not betray her. It was probably way too much for her to accept all at once.
I gravely shook my head, "No. I was too late."
She repeated, "You saved me." This time, a lot firmer and in a voice escaping her throat, not just a hushed whisper from the mouth.
I couldn't gather the courage to look at her. I continued to stare at the house, the memory of carrying her out of the house that night playing on a loop in my mind like it was just yesterday, "I left you bleeding and unconscious in that hospital and left. I left."
She moved her hand to mine, squeezing it so I would stop denying, stop holding myself responsible, and look at her. "You. Saved. Me." She repeated the words once again in a slow emphasis. "That's all I know, okay? If you didn't tell me before because you were ashamed of it, don't, Arnav."
I dared to look into her eyes as I tried to keep my voice from cracking, "But I didn't... Khushi... don't forgive me so easily. I don't deserve it."
She gently scolded, "Why don't you let me decide what you're worthy of, okay? I'm alive today because of you. Even if you left, since we've met again in Australia, you've always been there. Even if in the shadows when I didn't know it. That is what matters more to me. So, it's not about forgiving you, Arnav."
I shook my head, not understanding how she doesn't hold me responsible, call me out for being a coward, "Khushi, it's not what I initially picked though. Armaan had called before you got there. Asked me to look after you because he couldn't trust anyone else, but I didn't want any part in it. Even after the things I'd seen at the shelter and knowing everything about you, for the longest I pretended I didn't see you."
"But then you did see me and you did make efforts to change that, didn't you?" She countered with the additional facts that I couldn't argue with.
I had tried. But that doesn't erase my earlier actions. They were still there. They wouldn't go away. I still carried them on my conscious.
She continued, "I've always wanted to tell this to the guy who saved me, but I was never able to. Today, I can... Arnav, you gave me a new life. I might not have been appreciative of it at first, but I did learn to. I keep telling you; don't be so hard on yourself. But you don't listen."
"Sweet pea... in this new life, I've also hurt you many times."
She asked point blank, "Was it intentional even once?"
"No, but..."
She shook her head, interrupting. "Then that's it. Get rid of these but's. They make life complicated and quite frankly, I am tired of living such a life. Just... keep things simple and end it at that."
It was somewhere hard to digest, "Are you seriously not mad I didn't tell you this before?"
"No," she assured in a calm, soothing voice. "God, Arnav. I do wish you'd told me earlier. Then it wouldn't have taken us this long to understand each other, but I get it. You were putting up with all that guilt, being so hard on yourself, but really, you shouldn't have. Any other guy would have left too not wanting to get involved. Still, you did do more than a passerby might have and brought me to the hospital. How can I be mad at you for saving me?" She paused for a second, a smile on her face. "Lavanya was right. You do have a good heart despite these walls you put up. I think I am the one who owes her an apology, right?"
I exhaled a slow breath, trying to bring my pounding heart to a standstill. I reached for her hand between us resting on the bonnet. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, Khushi, but words don't go justice to how I feel right now."
She moved her fingers between mine, entwining them and taking me by surprise for a second at how comfortable she was with it. There wasn't a single hesitation or wrinkle of worry on her face. Neither was her skin cold and hand stiff. "I'll tell you what you did."
I looked at her curiously and she smiled as if she could see into my heart, my soul, and finally understand everything about me that I kept hidden.
She brought our joined hands to rest over her leg, her other hand covering it. "You saved me and countless others with the shelter. You don't believe in God and maybe not even reincarnation but you said then to humor you. So, now I'll say humor me and believe that He was the one who brought us together. Not ideally, but in our next life, we can hope for that better life and in this one... well, let's just live this one with the cards that were dealt to us."
I genuinely asked, not to chastise her belief but wanting to understand, "How can you believe in Him after everything that's happened to you?"
"If I don't, what else do I have to hold on to, Arnav? I have to believe it happened for a reason. Maybe that reason was to bring you to me or for me to learn I was more of a fighter than I ever could have imagined. Whatever the reasons, I have to believe that He is watching and He will set everything right; that things have to get worse before it can get better than before; that we each have to go through our own crusade before we reach the light at the other end."
I have no words to respond with when she pauses, having said all she wanted to. I don't know if I believe all things happen for a reason, or that people have to go through pain to recognize happiness afterwards, but it does make me wonder. If I had always been happy, maybe I would have turned out differently. Maybe I wouldn't have met Khushi and I don't think I would have liked that alternate life very much. As I had once told her, life - my family - it wouldn't be complete without her.
"That night," she asked, "in college when you hugged me in that parking lot, this is why you knew how to pull me back. You'd done it before."
I admitted what she had already concluded, "Yeah."
She nodded, "You know, when I got back to my room afterwards, I looked for your shirt. It felt like it had happened before but I couldn't remember. Maybe if I had pushed it then, I could have remembered then and things would be different."
"How?" She looked up at me and I pressed, "How would they be different?"
I wanted to know what she thought would be different. Would we have not had all those misunderstandings? Would we have been more than friends? Just how... what exactly would be different between us?
She seemed to struggle to answer but she settled on, "Just, you know, nothing that happened would have happened."
I breathed out the one I had been holding in and let it go. Maybe she doesn't yet know what she feels for me. Has she even acknowledged it to herself yet? It had been only recently when we agreed on starting over as friends again that we were having this open communication.
But, then still, why do I see it in her eyes every time I look at her?
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |
Phew! They are properly engaged and she knows!
I had been on edge while writing this scene wanting to do justice to it... You be the judge on whether I succeeded or not! In old plot, they never really talked about it. Khushi just had found out through Armaan's words but I know it wasn't enough. Arnav had to be the one to tell her and he finally pushed past his fears to tell her.
Also, Aarav <3 That kid will always have my heart. As always, let me know your thoughts, vote, and comment <3