“Haz I… I don’t know if I can do this…” he glanced at me before returning his eyes to the road.
He sighed and reached over, stilling my fiddling thumbs and rubbing soothing circles into my hand with his. “You’ll do fine Love. Just speak from your heart.”
I swallowed hard, “The only thing my heart is telling me is that it’s in pain. Haz, I feel like there’s no way to fix this. It just always hurts.”
“I know Love. The only thing that will make it better is time.”
“Well I wish time would go a little faster.
“I know Nat, I know.”
He started to pull his hand away, but I grabbed at it, holding onto it and tracing soft shapes into it staring out the window. It was silent except for the sound of our breathing and the racing of my heart.
We pulled up to the funeral home and I let out a breath as Harry turned off the car. “Ready, Love?”
I hesitated a moment, “As I’ll ever be, I suppose.” I saw some familiar and some not-so-familiar faces entering the building, my mum and dad standing at the door greeting people. My mum was already crying and my dad was void of emotion, as always.
I breathed out as Harry opened my door and helped me out. “Here we go,” I sighed as we made our way to the building.
“Natalie,” my mum embraced me as I got to the door.
“Hi, mum,” I mumbled as I released her and hugged my dad.
“Harry, it’s lovely to see you dear.”
“You as well Ms. Hollandsworth.”
“Harry,” my dad said with a slight nod of his head.
“Sir,” Harry mimicked the motion and shook his hand.
“There are seats in the front row for you two.”
“Okay, thanks mum.”
We made our way down the middle aisle to our seats. I was pulled different directions, hugged and cried at all the way down. Finally we took our seats. Soon the depressing organ was sounding and my father was thanking everyone for coming and starting his speech with a slideshow of pictures on a projector behind him. I focused on the pictures, drowning out the sound of my father’s voice, smiling at the memories. Tears began forming at the thought of all I have left is memories.
“Now our Natalie is going to come and share with us about Jennifer as well.” I blinked away a few tears and Harry squeezed at my knee in reassurance.
I stood behind the podium and held onto the sides of it, bracing myself as my eyes darted around to all the sorrowful faces looking back at me. I bit back an ironic chuckle and swallowed hard effectively stopping anymore tears. “Well this is unfortunate. I’m sure this isn’t how she expected to go out.” There were a few gasps as well as some hushed whispers around the room and my mother shot me a look. I glanced at Harry and he gave me an encouraging smile.
“Now don’t take my attempt at humor as if I don’t care. I’m a mess on the inside. I’ve had this constant ache in my chest since I got the call last week, and lemme tell ya it hurts like hell. But I’m not going to stand up here and cry and carry on about how sad it is that she’s gone and it’s extremely painful and I’ll spend months getting over it, even though all that is true. But it’s not what she would’ve wanted. She would want me to stand in front of you today and tell you she lived a great life. She found a woman that she loved with all her being, she lived in a place she only dreamed about as a kid, she was on her way to a dream job and she had family and friends who loved her dearly. She would want me to tell you not to mourn that she’s gone but to celebrate the life she lived. And that is exactly what I’m going to do because frankly I’m tired of crying and of hurting.
So don’t remember the car accident, but remember her passion. Remember her laugh. Remember her punk rock phase when she was fifteen,” I smiled at the memory and earned a few chuckles from the crowd. “And finally remember the love she had for others because that’s what she would’ve wanted. I love you Jennifer May Hollandsworth and you will forever be in my heart. I stepped down and made my way to my seat as everyone applauded.
“You did great Nat,” Harry whispered in my ear.
“It seems kinda wrong to clap at a funeral” was all I replied with as I was still trying to contain my tears.
The rest of it seemed to rush by in a blur. I was thanked and praised for my “motivational” speech afterwards and frankly it was all a bit much for me. I was happy to be going home. I groaned as we got back in the car and let out a breath. “Well that went better than I expected.”
“Good,” Harry replied as we pulled onto the main road on our way home.
“Hey what are we going to do for New Year’s Eve? It is tomorrow ya know?”
He shrugged, “I thought we could just stay home. Relax and have some cider, celebrate in peace. I figured that would be best for you after the events of the past few days.”
I frowned a bit, mulling it over and deciding he was probably right. “Okay but maybe something a bit harder than cider yea?”
“Do you plan on getting drunk?” he chuckled.
“Yes,” I said in the most serious tone I could manage.
“You know… that’s not healthy?”
“What? We’re just celebrating! It’s okay when it’s celebratory.”
He hesitantly spoke, “You and I both know… that’s not the reason you’re doing it.”
“So I just lost my sister and don’t know how to deal with it, sue me!” I bit back harshly.
“But drinking isn’t the way to handle it, Love.”
“You know what Harry, when you hurt as much as I do and have this constant nagging ache in your chest, then you can tell me how to deal with it okay?” He flinched slightly at my tone and replied with a weak ‘okay’.
The rest of the drive was silent until we pulled up to the flat. “Look Haz… ‘M sorry I yelled at you. I just don’t know how to deal with this and it is tiring me out. Being drunk that night was the only time I found a shred of relief from this pain and I just long for it to be gone entirely.”
“I understand that Natalie, I really do. But you can’t expect me to sit and watch you drink yourself into the ground.” His tone was soft but I flinched at his word choice.
I swallowed hard, “It’s been a long day and it isn’t even half one yet. I’m going to go lay down.”
“Do you want some company?”
“Please…” I said in a small voice. He nodded and that’s how we spent the afternoon; cuddled up in my bed, me occasionally crying and Harry there to comfort me.