Posted: July 2017 | Edited: February 6th, 2019
| . . . C H A P T E R . . . . 3 . 10 - G O A L S . . . |
You know that moment of uncertainty over your actions, right before clarity? This was one of those. When I had leaned in to speak in his ear, I hadn't been too sure of my actions. I had only assumed his heart must be racing as well. To actually feel it thumping away underneath my palm only acted as an encouragement. In this moment, the clarity was of my unneeded fear.
There was no way I could ever flash back to Vivek or Shyam when I was with Arnav. There was no need for any fear or intimidation when it came to his advances. I wasn't going to have to try to stay in the moment, because when there was Arnav in front of me, I couldn't be anywhere else.
I felt everything for him.
He felt everything for me.
I captured his attention.
He captured all of mine and me just the way he would look at me, as if to tell me there was nowhere else he would rather be, no one else he'd rather be with.
I was the one for him and he was the one for me. Saying 'I love you' could be put on one end, and to be able to feel it for him and have him return that feeling could be put on a whole another spectrum.
My upper body leaned back just enough so I could gaze into his eyes. His hand resting on my neck traveled down to rest on my side, sending a shiver down my spine at his warm touch meeting my cold body.
"What are you thinking?" I asked when he just stood there without any more advance.
"How unpredictable you are."
It was good to know even I held the power to put him off his game now and again. One hand moved from my side to on top of my palm on his chest. I was sure he too would be able to feel his heat beating even though my hand was in between acting as a mediator.
I then placed the softest kiss on his lips, and I very well could tell the difference in this one. It wasn't one influenced by attraction or heat of the moment. It was pure admiration and love. It was a single kiss, but when I watched him pull back and rest his forehead against mine, his eyes still closed, it clenched my heart for some reason I couldn't fathom.
My free hand moved to caress his cheek with my thumb as the hand rested on his neck. I had initiated a kiss two day ago at the hotel, and for the second time, I initiated one now. He did kiss back, but was also quick to pull back.
I was only left to wonder for a second before he whispered, "I don't want to get carried away, Khushi."
I had to honor him for the respect he gave me. I had to let him know, "I trust you."
Exhaling, he shifted on his feet, pulling back. His eyes held a certain restlessness. "I'm not sure I deserve that. I'm a coward."
I narrowed my brows, unsure where this was coming from.
He didn't give me a chance to ask or tell him otherwise. He moved to stand beside me, as if asking silently that we resume walking. My hand dropped to my side as he continued, "Putting the blame factor aside about our past, I was unfaithful to you, Khushi."
"Arnav, I'm not counting that. I can't! We weren't really together back then."
He refused to let my words convince him, "That doesn't make a difference, Khushi."
"So what? You're going to let what we have be ruined again because of something from our past?" I questioned, needing to understand why he was bringing this up now.
"Doesn't it bother you though?"
I smiled at his concern and shake my head, "No, Arnav. It doesn't. I know enough from knowing Armaan that you must have your reasons for the way you were back then. And whatever your reasons, I won't ask because I don't need to know. I keep saying I want to put my past behind me, and so I am actually going to put not just my past but both our pasts behind us. You should do the same."
Even though I said I didn't need to know, he still wanted to give an explanation. "When I first met Vivek..."
"Arnav, really. I don't need to know."
"Perhaps. But I need to say it." He expressed, and I nodded, letting him clear his mind once and for all. Really, there was a lot he kept to himself. I suppose when he was willing to speak, I shouldn't stop him. "At first, Vivek was just a classmate. Playing in the same team, we started hanging out. I was just a kid then, wanting to fit in. He wasn't always this person. One day, he invited me to go over to his place to play some video games. I went and met Lavanya there. Instantly I realized how wrong he treated her. I told him to cut it off because I knew how I would have felt if anyone treated my sisters like that. He didn't listen, and the only reason I kept being his friend was to try and understand why Lavanya put up with him. She knew he was being a jerk to her, but she still was nice to him. Eventually, it became about me trying to protect her from him. He got irritated by that. Fell into the wrong crowd of older kids."
"Shyam?"
"He was one of them, yes. I drew the line there. Vivek didn't." He remained silent for a second. I reached for his hand, urging him to go on. I didn't necessarily want to hear about Vivek because I don't think it would have created sympathy in my heart. But if Arnav's actions back then were connected to Vivek, then for his sake, I would listen about him too. "Then Vivek placed a bet with Shyam and even today, I think it was because he didn't like the way I was becoming Lavanya's friend more than his. So out of jealousy, maybe he thought he could hurt me by hurting my sister."
"Nothing justifies what they did, Arnav." I believed it. Jealousy of someone picking someone else for a friend doesn't equal in a revenge of rape and molestation.
"Sure, I'm not justifying it either. It's just, I used to spend so much time trying to understand whatever could have changed him so much. But anyway... after all of that, I felt so much when I was with family, Khushi. So much that even when I knew better, when I was away from my family... in my personal life, I just wanted to turn off those emotions. All the flirting, the one night stands, no strings attached relationships... it was all just to forget everything going on in my life. To stop feeling. A defense mechanism, of sorts. But, there's no justification, really. With what Anjali went through, I should have known not to treat those girls like that even if it helped distancing myself from feeling. They never stopped me. I guess it gave me the liberty to keep doing that. It makes me feel I am no better than Vivek and Shyam."
"Stop it." I pulled him to a stop from walking. "Don't ever say that, Arnav. You could never be like them. Not even close. Perhaps what you shared with those girls wasn't the ideal relationships, but you didn't force them into anything."
"Still... in a way, I was taking advantage of them."
"Babe, they were taking just as much advantage of you." I answered with a slight laugh, for if only he would take that perspective. "How you seen yourself in the mirror?" I added, talking of his looks. It had all been mutual benefit.
He lightened his mood, not being too hard on himself anymore, "Until you came in my life. Do you remember the first time I called you sweet pea and tried to flirt?"
Despite the heavy conversation, I found myself answering in a giggle, "Yeah, I don't think I'll ever forget that."
"It was the first time I was nearly punched in my gut for flirting. That second itself, I knew. Armaan had asked me to look after you, and I knew trying to flirt my way into a friendship wasn't going to work with you at all. You didn't care about my looks. You wanted nothing to do with me. You were different. You did stop me from treating you as such... or belittling you. So, I did what I did best."
I filled in the blanks, knowing what he had done. "Keep an eye out for me from the shadows."
Laughing, he asked, "You don't think that was creepy, right?"
"If I didn't know your reasons, then I'd have said yes." We resumed walking hand in hand. "But I guess I can't hold that against you. I didn't necessarily make it easy for anyone back then to be my friend. Besides, you still looked out for me. Have I told you how much I appreciated that? I didn't know it then, but I did need a friend then and you were just that... someone who didn't question anything and encouraged me to do better... cared for me, put up with all my tantrums and the rudeness. God knows you didn't deserve half of what I threw at you, but you still never called me out on it. You just kept being there for me."
"I didn't mind that at all." He said, talking about my behavior, "It just made me realize everything I was missing out on. You say I saved you, but I did that knowingly. In all honesty, you saved me too without realizing it."
"I doubt that, Arnav." How could I have saved him when he had fallen back to his patterns when I hadn't been there for him?
"No, trust me. You did. The only reason I went back to my shell was because I couldn't come to terms with how I hard hurt you. It was the last thing I had set out to do. I hated myself for it, and I punished myself however I knew fit. Until Lavanya one day just lost it and went off on me."
"Trust Lavanya to stage a perfect intervention." It sounded like something she would do. I have seen the influence she has in his life, and I was glad that he had her as his best friend - someone to guide him along and bring him back on the path whenever he steered away. Someone to remind him who he was at the core in times when he didn't remember it himself. Someone who cared for him when he believed he didn't deserve to have anyone's care or concern.
He chuckled, "Oh, please. Let's not discuss interventions. I have been getting a lot of those lately." I turned curiously, but he shook his head, "Nothing, forget it. Speaking of Lavanya, I want to run something by you."
"Shoot."
"Now that we are talking about protecting Aarav, I was thinking we should have them move in to live with us."
"Ofcourse, why would you need to run it by me?"
"Because you're my fiancé, and I don't know, maybe you'd have a problem with that?"
I laughed. "You think I'll be jealous?" His expression confirmed it for me. God, he does think that. Sobering, I let it be known, "Oh Arnav. No! Never. If anything, I admire what the two of you share. I don't think I've respected another female as much as I respect Lavanya. Maybe I respect Anjali di more, but yeah, Lavanya is right there with her. Remember, I am your fiancé second. She is your friend first. And when it comes to Aarav, I don't think you need to ask any of us for permission about anything. We all know you'll only ever do what's best for him. It's nice of you to think about me, but he's come first for you guys all these years. My being in your life doesn't change that."
If anything, I would prioritize Aarav over all else as well. I had become attached to him over the short few months and the short time we spent together. He just had a way of drawing people in.
It was fitting that we reached home just as that conversation came to an end. We had started to talk about one thing but ended on something else entirely.
I mentioned just before opening the front gate, "By the way, don't ever call my fiancé a coward again. He's one of the bravest guys I know."
He grinned, playing along. "Right, who else could bear your whims?"
I playfully slapped his arm but laughed myself. That wasn't the reason I call him brave, and he too knew that. No matter how he was in college, he would never cheat on me in the future.
Arnav knew to respect all relationships he committed to and fulfill them to the end. But, don't count on my blind faith to believe me. Just take a look at our history. He has never once disrespected me even when he's had plenty opportunities to. We may have argued, and a lot of those would have been instigated by me, but he's never once crossed his line.
He deserved every bit of my trust.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
As I had promised Armaan, I told my parents I lived with Arnav. Well, it was mostly to my mom as dad couldn't answer back. Arnav had wanted to be there when we broke the news to her, and I respected that, but I had insisted otherwise. Mom would have been formal in front of him and not expressed her true opinions. She had been furious at first, pointing out how it isn't as per traditions to live with him before marriage. As much as she had started to approve of Arnav, she worried too much about what the society would think, how it would look for two people to live together without being married, etc.
It had taken Armaan and I a good hour to calm her down and convince her how I wasn't doing anything wrong, and that she had nothing to worry about. I explained how I lived in a different room, and how living with him gave me a chance to get to know him. Not only that, why did the society have a say in what we did in our personal lives? We were engaged as it was. We may not be married, but it would eventually happen down the line.
Even Armaan put in his two cents, explaining how it was safer for me to live at Arnav's place where I'd always have someone around instead of living in his penthouse when he was barely at home due to constantly being busy with something or the other in his own life and with Riddhima having classes and shifts at the hospital, her schedule was pack as well and many times, she didn't return at night. She'd just sleep at the hospital.
So, that was that. Eventually mom had to admit it was a fair point. Though, she did scold me a bit on how I needed to stop hiding things from her, from both my parents. She was right on that. I did need to share things with them. Just the baseless fear of them not understanding kept me from doing that. Lately, they were proving to be highly understanding, and perhaps it was time I tried to have more of a relationship with them as well.
After I was raped, I had pushed them away. I had only let Armaan in from our family, and it makes sense that they'd be hurt. At first they would brush it away by saying I was being a moody teenager and so they let me be. Somewhere, I had been angry at them that so much was going on in my life and they were clueless to it... brushing off my changes in mood to be a phase teenagers go through.
Arnav poked my elbow, and I blinked away from looking out the window and turned my head to the right. "You okay?" He asked as we sat in the back seat on the drive back to Mumbai with Armaan and Riddhima in the front and Riddhima driving.
I smiled with a nod.
He added, "Okay, making sure. You haven't acted impatient the whole last hour."
I had to smile wider at that. I was so lost in my own head that I had just been sitting there watching the world go by. "Maybe you're finally rubbing off on me."
He mocked a laughter, "Somehow, I highly doubt that."
Riddhima interjected, "Exactly, anything else and I'd believe it. But, you and being patient? Never."
I somewhere frowned, "You guys say it as if its really that bad." They all always picked at my impatient personality.
"Can you blame us?" Armaan glanced back. "You don't have a patient bone in you, sis."
I blamed Arnav, "You just had to ask, didn't you?" If he hadn't, they wouldn't have gotten an excuse to call me out on this.
Laughing heartedly, he put his arm around my shoulder and nudged me to his side. I tried to resist to back my tinge of irritation but he won over. Still, I rolled my eyes for effect when my head was beside his chest. "Okay, how about this?" He offered, "From now on, only I am allowed to tease you about it?"
I scoffed, "Like that is going to stop those two buffoons."
"Hey!" Both Armaan and Riddhima exclaimed in offense at my insult. Though, it were very much true. The two of them held the copyright to pick on my vices any given day over anyone else.
"Well, I tried." Arnav muttered, giving in right away. Ofcourse, he knew which battles to fight – and any battle against Riddhima and/or Armaan was one he always backed off on straight away. He understood our bond, and I found it attractive that he never came in the way of our friendship or was even jealous of it ever. Instead, he'd say how our tri-circle gave him friendship goals at times.
I'd tell him I didn't understand that, because it's not like we talked ourselves into being this way. Just, growing up together brought it out of us naturally and effortlessly. Else, in this day and age with all the social media such as Instagram, people went out of their way to show they were 'friendship goals', 'relationship goals' etc. by tagging each other in things and what nots.
Twirling a strand of my hair off my shoulder, he continued to speak softly. "So, di will be out for dinner tonight. No one will be home and I was thinking..."
Armaan snapped at him, "Oi, don't let me hear the end of that sentence."
Arnav rolled his eyes and catching on to what my brother was thinking, I leaned over to flick his ear. "Shut up."
Arnav and I were no horny teenagers, after all. Neither were we at that point in our relationship.
"As I was saying, I was thinking we could put together Lavanya and Aarav's room. Di doesn't know I've asked them to move in."
I agreed instantly to his idea, "It'd be a nice surprise."
I could already imagine how happy Anjali would feel having Aarav live with her and be able to see him whenever she wanted instead of just certain days of the week when Lavanya could bring him by. It would even be good for Aarav, living with his family instead of a single parent household.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
authors note:
I tried to keep it as short as possible to not dwell on the negative, but I think we'll all agree these chapters were long overdue. At first, I started to write everything Vivek said as a flashback, as it really happened, but I couldn't bring myself to... It's not something I want to promote.
And I do realize many of you may not have expected this coming from Vivek... but it's a small attempt of mine to bring some reality to characters and show that we humans are complex beings and things may never be as they seem. Not one person is all good and not one person is all bad. We may not be able to understand their reasons, but in their perspective, they've found a way to come to terms with their actions. This is no attempt of mines to have you sympathize with his character. We're still okay to curse Vivek because he did set the events of that night in motion, intentionally or not. He does still deserve to pay for the role he played, and he will.
Give me your thoughts..!
I will post chapter 14 soon so you all aren't on edge for what's coming next.