I soon realised that I wasn't even angry at Zayn. I was angry at myself for being weak and scared. I was angry at every girl out there who didn't push people away just because I always did. Maybe that's why I snapped at the interviewer - Paulina. It wasn't even her fault and I felt bad about it right after I said it.
It wasn't even supposed to come out as something mean, but the tone in my voice made it sound even worse. She didn't seem to understand at first but her expression changed and ten seconds later, she was standing far away again.
While she was talking to the camera man who had offered his chair to me, her new best friend (Zayn) had walked over there with her and why did people have to be so close to me? I was annoyed already and the sight of the two of them talking and laughing did not make anything better.
"So I guess you're playing keyboard with them?" Paulina asked me. I glared at her and nodded, lips pursed.
"Is it hard? I mean to play keyboard?" She asked again and my god, she sounded stupid. Every time she opened her mouth something idiotic came out which made me want to punch her for being annoying. Why didn't the woman just leave me alone? I hated that Zayn fell for her after what? Ten minutes? I thought he was smarter than that.
"Well, it's not close to the difficulty of asking already written questions and smile while looking stupid without anything happening between two ears, but yeah. It's pretty hard." I said, and met Zayn's eyes before looking down in my magazine, which I already had read two times, again. His jaw was clenched and his stare was angry. Okay, so maybe it was a bit too much. I was about to apologise, but decided to let it be. She walked away soon and Zayn spoke up the second she was out of hearing.
"Really?" He said pissed off. It was awful to hear him sound so disappointed, but I didn't show anything.
"Yes. I'm sorry to be the one telling you the truth, but she's far from perfect." I said back, just as sternly.
"She didn't do anyth...."
"Can we leave now? Are you done?" I interrupted him and looked around to find someone that could save me. I didn't want to fight with Zayn, still I wanted to tell him everything that made me upset and I didn't know if that would be very smart. Also, I was embarrassed for saying that to Paulina and I didn't want him to be mad at me. I was mad at myself already.
"Issy, don't..." He was really angry by then and even though Zayn never went much further than raising his voice and sounding really disappointed when he was angry, it was horrible to hear. I wanted him to like me and be proud of me when I did something good. I couldn't think of anything worse than listening to how angry he was because I was rude to his girlfriend or whatever she now was.
"Jared!" I saw him over Zayn's shoulder and he turned to look at me when I called for him.
"We're leaving. Now. Come on, the others can take the other cars." I said and got up from the chair. I pushed Zayn out of my way and pulled Jared's arm with me. Not like he wasn't strong enough, but he followed my way out of the studio.
"What's going on, Belle?" He wondered amused but worried, like a big brother. I shook my head fast and walked fast to the parking lot with Jared right after me.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay in there and see Zayn in front of me while slowly realising that I didn't have to think about pushing him away or not. Because he was already gone. I had told myself I didn't believe him to have any sort of feelings towards me. But would it really hurt so much if I didn't believe it from the beginning?
We went in three different cars to the studio because Liam and Harry went with Lou and a security guard. The other three were supposed to come in a second car with Paul, but Zayn decided that he wanted me along and waited for me to get ready so we went in a third car with Jared.
One hour later, he was all over someone else. Just because I was an idiot.
I got in the backseat and closed the door after me, waiting for Jared to walk around the car and drive away. Jared was great. He didn't care about getting a reason for leaving right away. He just went along with it. He opened his door, and another door was open at the same time.
The backseat door which I had just closed was opened and Zayn got in, closing it after him. Jared took one glance in the car and got out again, leaving me and Zayn all alone in a freaking car. I left a mental note that I would hit Jared later. I trusted him.
"Where's your girlfriend?" I asked, moving to the seat closest to door on the other side, further away from him.
"You had no reason to say that to her." He said. He didn't sound as angry as I thought he would be, but he was disappointed and that was even worse.
"I had plenty of reason!" I defended myself, not thinking before I spoke.
"Say one."
My head was empty. I couldn't come up with any excuse at all. I spoke what my brain told me to. Bad idea. Horrible idea.
"She wasn't that amazing! And I wanted to feel a tiny bit better about myself, even though it was an awful way to do it, because you was staring at her like she was sent from above and I hated that and I..." I took a breath, trying to stop whatever force that made me tell him all this, but it wasn't possible and I kept rambling without any more pauses. "I just had to point it out there that she wasn't great just because she made you fall to her feet within an hour and I'm too stupid to do anything in months and too unattractive and boring to ever... This is pathetic." I said. One more word and my voice could break. I hated not being able to talk because tears got in the way.
Why did I have to tell him all that? Why didn't I shut up like normal people would do? I screwed up again. He didn't want me. Why would he, really? I had a lump in my throat and felt like I was going to be sick. I felt warm, like I was having a fever. Not that I actually was, I just had a hard time trying to breath normal because I didn't want him to see how much this affected me and how hard this was for me.
Something screamed in my head, something that sounded like tiny voices, how pathetic everything was. How he didn't like me from the beginning and that he most certainly would avoid me now. How I wasn't worthy of even being his friend, so why even think about more? They screamed and I couldn't make them shut down. I got scared. Hearing voices was never something good.
So what choices did I have now? I could start crying, or I could run.
I tried the last.
I opened the door which he didn't just walk in through but wasn't even close to open it enough before he threw himself past me while shouting 'no!' and closed it before I could even think about it twice.
When the door was closed, he stayed there. His upper body almost laying on my lap if it wouldn't be for his hand on my knee which supported him, his other hand on the door.
"That's not true." He mumbled and sat up again, now much closer to me. I stared out the window. I didn't want to hear this, I didn't want to listen to the disappointed tone in his voice. Now that the option of running didn't work, I had to focus on not crying. I totally messed up this time and I even tried to run away! I was humiliated.
"I would never be interested in someone like her. I- I was trying to... You see I..." He started stuttering on his words and I couldn't find a reason for that. He paused for a second and I turned to see what his problem was. I met his brown eyes and recognized the twinkle in them that I had seen once before and then later on repeat in my mind about a thousand times. His hand flew to my cheek and before I even got the chance to realise what was happening, his lips met mine.
Every thought in my head was quiet. I couldn't hear them. The bad thoughts had flown away. It was impossible for me to hear, because my heart was thumping loud in my ears, and my head was empty of everything, except the slow realisation of what was happening in that second.
I hadn't kissed anybody in more than half a year. I had forgotten how soft and gentle it could be, and still make your whole body feel like it was on fire. It wasn't hesistant in any way. His words had been, but his lips weren't.
My hands flew up by instinct - I don't know why, perhaps to push him away physically this time - but they stopped at his shoulders, to then slowly go around his neck and stay behind it. I was too shocked to even think about what else to do because he kissed me. And this was reality.
His hand was still on my leg, supporting him to lean forward and above me. The other hand which he had used to cup my cheek slowly fell down when he later leaned away. The feeling of how he pressed his soft lips on mine lingered and I couldn't move.
His head was bent down and his eyes were closed. He turned to sit down normally again. Zayn didn't say anything for ten seconds which felt like an hour. I was sure he regretted kissing me. It came by impulse, he didn't think of what he was doing.
"I'm an idiot." He mumbled and dragged his hand across his face. So he did regret it. I shook my head slowly, like I was telling him to stop talking like that.
"I was trying to make you jealous." He finally said. So for once, I was actually right. Those stupid butterflies flew around inside, making me start to believe everything was how I wanted it to be. I didn't want to believe them, but I kind of did.
"And instead I make you hate me by..." He swallowed and didn't finish the sentence with 'kissing you'. "I'm sorry, Iss. Please just... Don't hate me. Please." He said, no almost begged. This was all my imagination because it was too good to be true. He wanted me to stay as his friend even though he couldn't be with me. He didn't want me.
"I don't hate you, Zayn. I would never."
"Even though I just kissed you?" He asked worried. Like that would make me hate him. He was perfect in every single way, why would anyone hate him for kissing him?
"That's not... I don't hate you. At all. I hated her for being amazing, but I'm not able to hate you." I confessed. If we were going to be honest to each other in that car, we might as well be honest for real.
He released a breath he seemed to be holding and smiled widely. If it was human possible to melt, I would.
''She wasn't amazing." He said. "She was far from you. It was horrible to keep looking at her when you were in the same room.'' He told me. My eyes widened and it felt like he was lying up in my face, but he's tone and body language said that he was serious.
''Are you serious?'' I asked. This had to be a joke. I couldn't understand it in any other way than a joke.
''Absolutely. There's no one else but you. Issy, you're everything I see.''
+++++
A/N:
I'm sorry. I've been making you wait for this for so long and now I'm totally letting you down. I hope you liked some parts of it, at least.
The name Paulina is borrowed from my friend. The name is the only thing I used between those two. I love you.
How many fanfics are waiting with the kiss until chapter 30?? Muahaha. And thanks for the 4,5k!