❝be messy and complicated and afraid, and show up anyways❞
ｇｌｅｎｎｏｎ ｄｏｙｌｅ ｍｅｌｔｏｎ
___
ＩＴ would have been nice to say that after Friday's episode, things were all sunshine and rainbows from there.
Suffice to say, things weren't.
Logan's idea had been reluctantly accepted by the team for no other reason than lack of time, and then proposed to Redmond (who had no choice but to let us keep it without implying it had an alternative meaning and thus creating a bigger deal out of it). However, all sense of civility dropped that Friday evening the moment we left the Dome.
It didn't take long at all before the team were at war with each other again. Having resorted back to their original 'glare, glower, ignore' game, I was only grateful I still had Valerie to hang out with.
Out of the whole team, she was the least involved with the feud, considering she had only befriended Markus and Willow after their big fight with Cass and Logan. Of course, she still had the occasional clash with Markus, but it was nothing compared to the arguments between Willow and Cass. For a while, tensions had increased so much that even Logan and Markus stopped talking to each other.
This had only lasted the weekend, but it was enough to distract me from almost doing an equally important task that had been assigned to me: completing Horowitz' list of Reasons Not To Use My Powers.
"It was a bit difficult at first," I admit to the Professor, not elaborating that part of the reason behind this being I had done half of them in between periods 4 and 5 earlier that day. Professor Horowitz takes the small notebook from me with a small nod and urges me to continue speaking.
"But after a while," I continue, "it became easier. But then I realised, the more I wrote, the less I could think of. And the less I thought about it, really. And it made me realise- that's the point of the exercise, isn't it?"
Professor Horowitz lowers the book down slightly to give me a puzzled look. "What?"
"You're using this to tell me that I have nothing to fear about my powers. It's just all in my head, and the only barrier between me being able to control them is me worrying about it. I just need to let go and stop thinking about the worst. Because after all... what is the worst that can go wrong?"
"That..." Horowitz says slowly, eyebrows furrowed, "is not what I meant at all."
My face drops. "It's not?"
Horowitz notes the disappointment in my eyes. I had been so sure of my answer. He sighs. Then he takes of his glasses, massaging the bridge of his nose. Then he stares at me and sighs again.
"Look, Emma," he says, placing his frames back on. "What you said was nice, sure. But you and I know it isn't true."
I scrunch my nose. Nice?
"Life isn't a cakewalk," he continues. "Things don't happen the way we want. I meant what I said, I wanted a list of reasons why you shouldn't use your abilities, because they are endless. There's so many you do have here: you could get abducted, experiment on as a weapon. You could be abused or tortured, simply for being different. Your family could be taken away from you and endangered. In fact, you could endanger them. You could be responsible for hurting them. For all you know, one day, everything will burn around you and all you'll be able to do is watch while everyone and anything you've ever loved dies in front of your eyes."
Horowitz voice increases with every syllable. He sounded angry. At me? At Morgana? At himself? I couldn't tell anything other than the frustration evident in his tone.
"A lot of bad things can happen, Miss Sparke. You need to be aware of that." Horowitz callously waves my notebook in front of my face. "That is what I wanted you to write about not—"
He uses his thumb quickly flick through the pages of the book. At first, he does this to emphasise his point, but then he comes against a small drawing in the corner of one of the pages and he pauses.
It's the same drawing that had been haunting my dreams since the beginning of the summer. The object was still as unidentifiable to me as always... but Horowitz... almost looked like he recognised it.
But that was impossible... wasn't it?
But then Horowitz snaps the book shut and clears his throat, and as if the moment never existed, drew his eyes to mine rather than the book.
Now in a calmer state, he seemed to notice the state his rant had put me in. I felt incapable of replying, without bursting into tears, and though he was supposed to be my therapist, I didn't think I was ready to open to him at such a level. After a moment of silence, I finally look up. In his own way, Professor Horowitz looked almost like regretted what he said- or at least, the way he said it.
Rubbing his stubble, Horowitz began to speak in a softer, apologetic tone. "Okay, look. How about this? I'll extend the date on this." I pull my gaze off the floor. "You have until the end of the year to think of new reasons why you shouldn't use your abilities. And this time—"
Murmuring to myself, I go over what he said, "Think of new reasons..." My head shoots up. "Think of new reasons?! You're expecting me to do that all over again?! After all you've said?!" Without meaning to, I realise I had shouted out the last part . "You think that's the best way to make me feel better about all this? Think about new ways I could get myself and everyone killed???"
"Well, they're not exactly 'new' ways just—"
"That's it," I declare. In an instant, the fear and sadness that been consuming me were gone. Now all I felt was anger, boiling under my skin like a volcano waiting to erupt. My chair scrapes loudly against the floor in my attempt to flee the room. It causes Horowitz to flinch slightly, but otherwise, he remains unaffected by the fact I was mid-way to barging out of the his office. "I can't take this anymore. Morgana can't make me work with a madman."
"Now, calling me a madman is sort of harsh," Horowitz muses calmly. He swizzles side to side in his chair, a frown etching on his face as he mulled over my comment. "Has elements of the truth, yes, but—"
Even with a hand on the door, I couldn't resist retorting. "Do you even listen to yourself? You're supposed to be my... therapist but all you do is make me feel worse about myself and make weird comments like that! How is that supposed to help me get over this???"
Horowitz seems to have no response to this. He stops spinning in his chair and lets out a dramatic sigh- as if I was the one being difficult in this situation. The urge to walk out increases.
"Look," he begins. I ignore him. "Come on, Emma," he coaxes. "Just turn around and listen to what I have to say for a minute, okay?" Against my better judgement, I reluctantly do as he says. "That's good, good. Now come back here; sit."
My hand leaves the door. Horowitz eagerly beckons me over like a parent coaxing an toddler to take its first steps. With my eyes narrowed in distrust, I once again increase the distance between me and the door and grudgingly settle back into the chair.
"There we go." He nods his head in satisfaction. "Now, maybe I was a bit blunt before. Noted. I know this won't be the easiest of tasks to do, but I need you to do this, okay? As I said, I want you to do it again. But this time, make it more personal. Put a bit more thought into it- I could tell you did these in a hurry."
That was true...
"So I'm giving you a bit longer." He leans forward and cautiously picks up the notebook again, eyeing me warily all the time, as if he was expecting me to flip out again and storm out the room. Noting that I don't, he flicks to a fresh page and begins to write. He pauses on the first line. "What day is it again? My mind has gone blank."
So had mine. I ponder over it for a second. "Uhm. We're in the second week of August."
"Right." Horowitz nods. His pen skids frantically across the paper as he speaks, "So you have until the last week of the semester. That's the first week of December, isn't it?" I shrug. "Well, never mind. Here's your new title."
He passes me the notebook. I take it and read:
Twenty Reasons Not To Use My Powers
"Okay?" He asks.
"I guess," I reply slowly.
"Well then, go on. How about you start with one reason and we'll be done for today."
The thought of him letting me go 15 minutes early was a good enough incentive.
Agreeing, I accept the pen he offers me and begin to scribble the first reason. I pass the notebook back to him when I'm done.
Reason #1- your efforts in that probably won't be appreciated either.
A flat look draws on the professor's face but he doesn't complain. "Fair enough," he subsides. "Not exactly creative or what I expected, but... it will do."
I shrug innocently. "May I leave now?"
He sighs. "Why not, sure. You can go. Just don't forget to fill that in. And remember- keep it realistic."
I utter a noncommittal noise in agreement before dashing out the door.
At least that was over for the week.
❧
"I hate it."
Something that didn't seem like it would be over anytime soon was Redmond and Morgana's fantastic team building exercises (except this Friday, it was just Redmond- apparently Morgana was visiting one of the other schools that day).
And as expected, Friday brought a fresh new round a tension and awkwardness.
That was something I never really got. All the fighting and animosity between them. I've always thought that if you were able to find people going through the same thing as you, it'd be impossible not to get along.
But then, nothing in life seemed to be that straightforward. Horowitz's view of life seemed to be rubbing of on me. And speaking of...
Reason #4- Just because they're like you doesn't mean they'll like you.
Writing in the notebook was becoming more routinely. No doubt Horowitz would find something to complain about that. He'd want me to elaborate, say who 'they' was; but for now, I preferred to keep it vague.
"I mean, really, no offence to Lo, but... I really do hate it."
That was Markus again. He hadn't stopped talking about it ever since we arrived at the Dome that Friday.
Deciding to take a break from scribbling in my notebook, I pull my knees down from their position pressed against the edge of the table and plant my feet firmly on the ground. Placing my notebook at my side, I glance around to listen to the conversation.
Currently, it was just me, Markus, Valerie, Willow and Cass sat around the table. No one was really saying much, with the exception of Markus who was staring at the centre of the table with apparent discontentment.
"We all hate it," Willow finally responds. "We just didn't have time to think of another one."
Taking a closer look at the table, it finally dawns on me the topic of Markus's complaint. Engraved into its centre was our new team name: The Freak Patrol.
"Well, maybe if you'd all stopped arguing earlier, we would have," Valerie mutters pointedly.
I restrain from reminding her she too was part of said arguments.
"Yeah, well. I still hate it," Markus shrugs.
The whole table nods in a solemn agreement, with the exception of Cass (who is sat stubbornly at the furthest edge of the round table).
"My problem," Willow suddenly interjects, "is why 'patrol' of all things?"
Markus lights up. "Exactly, it sounds like we're 'patrolling' against freaks."
It wasn't meant to be a joke. Yet, the image of comically dressed policemen bumbling after the so-called Freaks is enough to make me chuckle. My chuckles soon spreads to Willow who lets out a small giggle, then Valerie, and then Markus, and soon we are all reduced to fits of uncontrollable laughter. Even Cass, to my surprise breaks out into a small lopsided grin at this (though she attempts to banish it the moment she realises I noticed).
It was in this state that Logan catches us when he rejoins the group.
"Why are you guys laughing?" He asks, confused. "Did I miss anything?"
His appearance has an automatic response on Cass who brightens instantly. She responds with an innocent smile when his eyes flicker to hers for answers. "Oh nothing. Just discussing how brilliant the team name is."
Logan frowns as his eyes fall onto the engraving on the table.
He rolls his eyes. "Hardy ha ha, Cassandra," he says sarcastically. Cass scrunches her nose at his use of her full name. "Very funny. But you know, one day, you're all going to be thanking me for that name."
"I'm sure we w—"
"Wait a minute," Logan interrupts. "Why are you all sat down. We're supposed to be over there." He points to an area of the Dome where a stage had been set up. "Redmond is about to explain today's task."
The entire table groans.
"I heard it's an obstacle course," Valerie adds.
"With or without abilities?" Logan inquires.
Valerie squeezes her eyes shut. "Without," she decides.
Everyone groans louder.
"What's so wrong about that?" I ask, confused. "It can't be that bad, can it?"
They all exchange knowing looks.
"Well..." Logan answers vaguely. "You'll find out soon enough."
:: 💫 ::
Ahem. Okay. Confession time. . .
So, I'm sure you've noticed the little bit in brackets at the end of the title saying 'pt. 1'. Yes, that's right, a second half is coming soon.
Reasons was originally 5,000 words, which even I have to admit is a bit overkill.
This half of 'Reasons' has been completed for nearly a month- I've just been torturing myself into trying to complete the second half because as stated, this was going to be a reaaally long chapter, but also kind of important (so I couldn't just not delete everything else).
Anywho, chapter 13 is even more important in a pivotal sort of sense, but seeing as that won't come out for a while, I've decided to just split this up and make false promises that Chapter 12.5, 13 AND 14 will be out before Christmas.
(If this actually happens, may I be forgiven for being such an awful person?)
Ciao, mi amigos
♕ Carmen ♕