Chapter 5: Watching Every Move
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"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me"
– Helen Keller
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"Guys, hindi ulit ako makakasabay ng lunch." I told my friends.
I've decided to know more about Exellor. Yes, meeting her yesterday made me relaxed, but that did not answer my questions on my head 'cause she ain't even talking.
"Ayy bakit?" tanong agad ni Greg na natigil sa paglalakad sa hallway. The others stopped too and turned their attention to me.
"May kailangan lang akong gawin. Kakausapin ko pa si Mr. Dimatura."
"OH YEAH! Alam ko may requirement siya na kailangan gawin... " Kylie added.
I really need to thank her for her cover-up.
"Oh, osige, sabay ka na lang tomorrow." sagot naman nitong si Rhianne. Tiningnan ko si Kylie para pasalamatan pero nakasuot lamang ang isang malaking ngisi niya sa mga labi niya.
My friends nod in agreement at nagpaalam na para bumaba. Kunwari akong pumunta tungo sa faculty office, pero nang mawala sila sa aking paningin ay agad kong sinuot ang itim na hoodie ko from my locker and went downstairs to the cafeteria close to the Seniors building.
Pagkapasok ng cafeteria, my eyes already scanned for Exellor's table, found it in a couple of seconds. Kita ko na may isang guy na nakaupo sa table niya. She was staring at mid-air as usual, but this guy kept blabbing about something. I bet she's already annoyed with him.
Dumiretso ako sa counter, where I saw Rhianne taking an order from the first lane. Napatingin tuloy ako sa usual table namin. Nanduon na sina Jayvee, Kylie, Aimee and Greg, talking and laughing a lot. I ordered Carbonara, pork chop with rice, ham and cheese sandwich paired with Sprite for lunch. But the sandwich will be for Exellor, since she looked like a matchstick for not eating much.
Lumapit ako sa table niya, and saw that guy still asking her questions like there's no tomorrow. She kept eating and had that emotionless look. I can hear the guy's voice very agitated, I guess for not answering her question. Malakas na nga ang kanyang boses, at kita ko pa ang pag-igting ng mga panga niya sa galit.
"P*nyeta, ang snob mo naman! Nagtatanong lang ba't di ka makasagot?"
"..." she wasn't really interested to hear it.
"P*nyeta kang babae ka! Ikaw na nga 'tong sinusuyo, nagiinarte ka pa! Speechless ka ba? Pipi ka ba?"
"Oh ikaw, bingi ka ba?"
Napatigil siya ng sabihin ko iyon mismo sa tenga niya. Bumaling ang ulo niya sa akin, at laking gulat niya ng magtagpo ang mga mata namin. Agad siyang napatayo't aligagang inalis ang bag niya sa upuan niya. Malamig ang naging tono ko kaya naman agad siyang kinabahan.
"U-Uhh... T-Trev-"
"Don't even tell a soul about it. Alis!" pagputol ko pa. Sinenyasan ko siyang umalis and he did. Nailapag ko na rin ang tray ng pagkain ko sa table niya. I can see a hint of surprise on her eyes sa pagdating ko. Even though her face had no change whatsoever.
Kita ko ang tray niya for lunch. It's the same since yesterday!
That salad again!
"Damo nanaman??" I exclaimed. Finally, I saw her face contort in confusion as I said it. Napakunot ang mga kilay niya.
"What's wrong with it?" she finally asked. Good, she finally spoke!
"You should eat. Come on, you're looking like a skeleton already!"
"That's an exaggeration."
"It's a metaphor, miss."
"It's actually a simile, Paul Trevor."
When I heard her say my name, I felt so mystified. I don't know how, but the way she says it feels like... something. Buti naman alam niya ang pangalan ko. But saying my whole name wasn't comfortable.
Atleast, that's what my brain says anyway.
"Just call me Trevor."
She never answered and started to eat. I gave her the sandwich I bought. She stopped eating and looked at it. But continued after a couple of seconds. We ate in silence. I wasn't comfortable with it now, so I tried to start a conversation.
"Sobrang ingay sa cafeteria no?"
But she did not even decide to look at me.
"Are you annoyed with the guy at your table earlier?" I asked.
Still. I got no response from her.
I actually felt a little annoyed. She is a snob actually. She never liked talking much. I couldn't tell if she's shy or not. I can see she's not since when she answers, she would always answer in a clear and quite, straightforward manner.
"Why don't you join our table?" I suggested.
She did not answer.
"Are you always like that?"
No answer.
"Exellor? Damn, answer me already!"
... still no answer.
Sh*t! Why am I wasting time with her??! This is pointless!
"You know what? Fine, just shut your mouth and don't talk to me." I say, just finishing my lunch, before standing up and left her table. I took a last glance of her, but she was just eating. Hindi ko alam bakit nagalit ako. I had so many questions to ask, but she did not hesitate to answer one. Why did I try anyway? Because of what she had said...
"We, were created to see how we are the same and different for those who wish to be blind of reality."
Dammit! Why do I keep remembering that. Hindi ako nakaalis sa posisyon ko't parang tanga na naiinis sa nangyayari. So, I went back on my seat and massaged my head. Kita ko na kakatapos lang niya na sa lunch niya't natingin muli sa akin when she saw me massaging my head.
Her presence confuses me even more!
She pushed her tray aside, placing both her elbows on the table, intertwining her fingers together, placing her chin on it. Her eyes were somewhere again, but I can feel her attention was on me. I looked at her again. She still wore the red beanie like last time, and her eyes were a mixture of green and blue, but she wasn't that light-skinned and had a fair one. I noticed that her teeth weren't prefect too. They aren't straight.
We just stayed like that, until she stood up and took her things. I stood up from my seat too, and stopped her by holding her right hand. Holding it somehow, made my hands go cold. She stopped on what she was doing, and turned her head to me.
"... I-I just want to be friends, Exellor." I don't know why I want it but that's the purpose of all of this. Maybe if I befriend her, she'll finaly talk to me. I also know girls are like that to boys especially when they felt strangers with each other. Maybe that's what she feels.
She stared at me. I can't comprehend what she's trying to tell me, if she was, since she is a weird, weird girl. A cryptic puzzle. A mystery in mid-air. I was curious.
I was surprised when she wiggled her hands out of my hold. Not exactly like that, but I felt her hand move agaisnt my hold. My hand automatically removed itself from hers. She reached for her black backpack on her chair, and left the table. Left me sitting alone.
I want to do anything just to make her talk, but I didn't want attention from it.
***
After lunch, we had English. With it, we had an activity. Which was by group. It was random so, I wouldn't expect that I'll be grouped with my friends but:
"Group 4 will be Tyler Franz, Paul Trevor, Francisco, John Frederic, Rhianne Jaqui and Exellor Oneiro"
I wasn't expecting Rhianne to be my groupmate. Especially her.
Nakapabilog na ang mga armchairs namin, at nag-uusap usap na nga kami.
We have to make an essay about the topic that we picked randomly. We had to make an essay about 'Infatuation'. We also had to answer the questions written on the board along with the essay that's need to be written on a whole sheet of paper.
I looked at my groupmates, at bago pa man ako magtanong, nagsalita na si Tyler.
"Kaya mo na siguro iyan, Trev."
"Yeah." Frederic agreed.
What the f*ck? I can't do this alone! This is a group activity anyway, not individual!
"The f*ck..." nabulong ko nang tumayo sila't umalis sa kinauupuan nila para makipagdaldalan sa iba. Francisco was sleeping at his chair. Alam ko kasi working student siya kaya hinayaan ko na lang. I saw our teacher na medyo busy sa laptop niya. Probably looking at our grades or somethin'.
Tatawagin ko sana siya pero naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Rhianne sa kanang braso ko.
"Don't. Kaya na natin 'to."
"How about them?"
"Hayaan mo na. I'll just tell it to Mr. Santos."
I smiled to her. She did the same. Kumuha na rin siya noon ng 1 whole pad. "I'll answer the questions then you do the essay. Patulong ka na lang sa iba pang members para may grades rin sila."
"WHAT?" nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. Wait, I'm the only one that's willing to help!
"R-Rhianne naman! I can't just do it alone!"
"I'll help after answering the questions na nasa board para mabilis." sabi niya. Kita ko na hanggang sampo ang questions, most of them had 'why', kaya mahaba-haba pa ang pagsasagot niya. I turned to my paper. An empty paper. Napabuntong hininga naman ako.
"It's done." I saw a hand on my left side.
It's Exellor.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko ng makitang may hawak siyang papel. She just finished the essay! She was staring at me, probably waiting for me to take the paper off her hand. If it wasn't for my surprised feeling, I would have left her hand hanging for not answering my questions earlier at lunch.
Nang kunin ko iyon, I read the whole thing that was written. I must say though, her handwriting's kinda hard to read, but I read some of the lines.
"Infatuation, is a unrestrained passion, love or admiration for someone, or something. It is temporary. It is often confused with love. They say it's the same, but it's not. They are very different in terms of degree, in terms of everything. You can feel it, but you can never believe in it. Infatuation can be defined but love... is often a word that would need understanding and effort to define what it is..."
Napanganga ako sa mga nabasa ko. May pinanghuhugutan ba siya? 'Cause everything I read was... right. She knew the difference between those two things that I can't even define myself. Iba ang alam ko sa alam niya.
***
Class dismissal, ay sinundan ko siya palabas. Nang mapunta na nga siya sa parking lot, ay pinigilan ko siya at hinarang ang dinadaanan niya.
"Look..." I start, she looked at me. "I'm sorry for what I've said at lunch. I didn't mean it. Ganoon ka kasi eh, hindi lang ako sanay, really. I-I just have questions..."
Huminga siya before answering. "Questions that you already know the answers. Keep away from misdirection and may words fly out of nowhere just to satisfy your unquenchable curiosity." She left after that.
WHAT NOW?
***
I went home after that. Nagulat ako ng maabutan si Dad sa sala talking to... Mr. Hemphrey.
A business owner that I hate seeing. I know what it means when he talks to him.
"THE F*CK?"I cursed out loud. Napatingin sila sa aking dalawa, Dad gave me an annoyed look.
"TREVOR, WATCH YOUR MOUTH!" he yelled at me.
"Watch my mouth? Ha?" I laughed mockingly, as he going to the kitchen. "I don't care!"
"You can't do anything." sabi pa niya. I opened the fridge and looked at the contents.
"Soon, you'll be having the company by yourself. You'll be an heir..." My hands were trembling at those words. I don't want to be a business man. I don't want to be like him. I held the champagne bottle on the shelf like I depended on it. I felt his presence from my back. It made some hairs on my legs stand.
"Mr. Hemphrey's company will be a good benefit for us, and for them. Kilala mo si Alyana, right?"
At that moment, I couldn't hold it. I took the bottle of champagne from the shelf of the fridge, and threw it down the tiled floor. Malakas ang impact noon, I can even hear the echo it made to the whole house. Walang kaingay-ingay kaya rinig na rinig ko ang pagkabasag noon. My hands were trembling more. I gritted my teeth, at agad uminit ang ulo ko. Slowly turning myself to him...
"I'm f*cking disgusted by that. I will NOT marry her. Not even by force, or by your own command. You can do anything with me Dad, but NOT. THAT."
"You can't do anything Trev. Bakit? You are into those romace novels? Where you'll decide who'll be your wife in the future? This is reality. That's different. Love is sentimental. Ipagsantabi mo na mua iyan. What matters is your passion, and survive ordeals of life. Love can't do those."
I never answerd him back. Umakyat lang ako sa kwarto at nagkulong. Rinig ko pa ang pagtataka ni Manang na bagong dating lang mula sa baba dahil sa mga basag na piraso ng champagne sa kusina. I slept from then on.