Waking up was no longer the pleasure it had been a long time ago. There always was some kind of a fleeting moment when I was whole again but it evaporated faster than summer rain off the burnt earth.
I yawned, sitting up in my bed and whipping my eyes with my folded fists. Friday laid stretched out ahead of me, the only thing I needed to do was swing my legs out from the warm covers and walk down the stairs, but I really didn't want to.
"Nina!" My mother's voice rang through the house.
"Keep your voice down, woman!" my father shouted back from the other end of the house. "I'm trying to sleep."
"Your idiot, you're not the one with the pants on in this house!" she snapped back, not backing down from a fight she knew she would win.
"Just shut up," he said, followed by a shatter of glass. Out of habit, I covered my ears with my hands, squeezing shut my eyes and curling up into a little ball.
The house went quiet fast, maybe a little too fast.
My mother had called for me.
My feet found their own way out of bed and down the stairs, where my mother rolled her eyes, her arms sitting firmly on her sides. "What is it?" I asked, yawning.
Her hands found her pocket, swaying a white letter up. "This is from your brother," she said, swinging it over her head. "Why would your brother send you anything?"
My eyes grew bigger than teacups and in a fast movement, I snatched the paper from her hands, jumping out of the room. "Thanks, Mom," I yelled to her, giving her a wave.
The letter was half yellow, half white and didn't sparkle in the light or glowed with a refined whiteness, it just looked plain and boring in the palm of my hand. As I twisted it around, together with opening the door and walking out, I couldn't quite figure out if I wanted to open it or burn it with the wildest fire.
Would I get hurt? Probably. Would it make me hate him more? defiantly. Would it make me miss him more? Sadly.
My nails dug under the opening, tearing up the envelope and fishing up the paper note inside. Mulitple folds were crossed all over the surface, displaying the fact that he had opened and folded it many times.
I carefully unfolded it, the soft paper brushing my fingers. The handwriting was exactly as always. Weird A's and H's. I smiled softly, whipping away my thick hair and strolling down the street.
"Come one, Nina, read it," I said to myself, drawing in a deep and calm breath.
Dear Nina.
As I write this the clock have just turned 11:38 pm here. My hands are actually shaking. Crazy, right? Anyway, I wish you could be here with me, however, we both know that can't be. I am sorry for leaving you there, but it was better that way. You were only thirteen and needed Mom and Dad.
Anyway, for a long time, my mouth has only been filled with sadness and regret. I left because I couldn't take what happened in the house and I didn't think about how you took it: how you felt. It must have been far worse for you and I am sorry for being so selfish. I hope that you can forgive me one day. For now, I'll keep what I have of you close to my heart. You're still the only girl in my heart and will always be my number one.
I hoped I could move on here, however, as time passed my grief over losing someone as dear to me as you have caught up with me, slowly strangling me. For a long time, I've wanted to travel home, home to you. To stand before Dad and tell him what I think and give him a great punch and to tell Mother how much of a disappointment she is to us, but I just can't; not yet.
I can't promise I'll return, but I can promise that I'll always love you.
I love you, Nina. I'll always love you and maybe one day I'll grow the balls to go back home.
Your dearest brother, Liam.
Hollowness was the perfect word to describe me. I hadn't heard a single word from him for five years and that was his words to me. An empty promise and an apology. I couldn't use that to anything. I wanted him here, I wanted his arms to wrap around me and pull me out of the darkness there surely surrounded me.
I crumbled together the letter lifting my hand as I was about to throw it at the ground, but I hesitated.
Should I?
I sighed. I couldn't do it, now matter how hard I tried to convince myself. I couldn't throw something so valuable away because I felt betrayed and angry. He always had this kind of power over me, the power there came with love. A dangerous power.
"Why do you do this to me?" I asked, looking up at the covered sky. "Why don't you just come home? Why don't you just come and save me?"
I walked further down to town, keeping my eyes on the ground and making sure no one would pay attention to my soon tear stained face. I kicked the stones, letting them glide over the sidewalk.
After so long walking that road barefoot my feet had toughened. When I left, I had forgotten that I still had been in my nightgown. It was an awful flannel material nightgown, in the color white there had spots here and there. A little hole was torn in the bottom, making it look less luxurious as it was supposed to. It was form fitting, however, nothing really fitted on my slender body.
A military style coat there reached my knees were slung around my shoulders, together with a pair of strong hands. "What are you doing outdoors in that kind of clothes," the voice of Tony spoke softly, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.
"I just forget I hadn't any clothing on," I answered, shrugging my shoulders. Since the time we had shared in the rain, my head was responding well to him. I had opened up a little.
"How can you forget something like that?" he asked, coming up on my side so I could take a glance off him.
I shrugged my shoulders again, "No idea." I didn't want to tell him about the letter from my brother since I didn't trust him that much. My brother's letter was something very personal, I probably never will share with anyone.
"Anyway, I got a letter from your brother," Tony said, swaying out a white note from his pocket. "Some little kid came with it yesterday evening." He gave me the paper.
Another one? How can this be?
"Thanks," I mumbled, opening it slowly, letting the other letter rest in my hands beneath the new one.
Dear Nina.
I don't know which letter you'll receive first, but I think this is going to be second, so I will start out by saying that I meant every word in the other letter. You do really mean a lot to me.
I hope Tony will give you this since I want you to have some kind of relationship with someone. I know you have a hard time making friends and Tony could be an amazing one. He really is a loyal friend, so think about it.
Anyway, today I went on a train and travel closer to home. I ain't ready to go home just yet, but this is steps in the right direction. I am sitting in a weird hotel room, hearing an old grumpy lady yelling in the room beside me. I brought forward a picture I have with me and you, you know the one where we sit beside each other on the staircase and I hold your little hand close into me and your smile overwhelms the whole scene. You are so beautiful when you smile, keep doing that.
I hope you keep smiling. This may sound cliche, but maybe the world will even smile back if you keep up the good work of smiling.
Your Liam.
I smiled, though I were burbling and crying inside. He messed with my emotions, moving them to different shelves and forgetting to clean up after him. What a brother.
"What did it say," Tony asked, leaning over the letter. I crumbled it together and showed it away before he could read anything. He got the clue and leaned back. "Sorry, I didn't mean too."
"It's okay. It's just very personal," I told him honestly, holding around both letters.
"I understand," he said with a smile curling around his lips. "Anyways, how is it going at school, anything new?"
"Not really," I answered truthfully. My days hadn't been that different, other than I had gotten a little more attention than before.
"That's good, I suppose." Tony scratched his neck with his index finger, following me down the street. His steps were heavier and louder than mine and I found myself listening to them as we silently made our way to the middle of the town, where people strolled the streets and cars drove around and tried not to hit anyone.
"Can you drive me home?" I asked slowly.
"Of course," he answered, glancing around, looking for something. "Wait here, I'll pick up the car from my apartment and then come pick you up."
I nodded, but he had already run away and were turning a corner and down another street there led down to the bigger apartments.
Around me, a brittle silence hung and played with me. The cold breezed route flee past me, hugging my bare legs for a minute. I shivered, tucking the coat closer around me. My eyes followed the walls of the houses around the area.
When will Tony be back?
In the farthest corner, a familiar blonde girl, tried to straighten out her curls, while she talked on her phone. She didn't have any stone cold expression on her face, just a normal everyday face. She rolled her eyes, turning her back towards me and stalking towards a little shop there sold books.
She disappeared through its glass doors and out came another familiar woman, with a cigarette tucked inside her mouth. Janie blew out a ring off smoke, watching it as it drew to the sky, a slight smirk dancing over her lips.
A man followed behind her, his hood covered his face, however, I could easily make out his fat frame and the brown hair sticking out from the hood.
My father.
How had he come down here so fast? Had I really been outdoors for so long?
I glanced down the street and surely our old, rusty, navy blue Mercedes was parked and glinted in the morning sun.
My father had something in his hand which he showed down in his pocket before walking to the car and drifting off. Janie stood still, watching over the people. Her eyes landed on me and she waved slightly, smiling. I didn't wave back. I just stood still and watched her leave again.
A Ford came pulling up, the window rolled down and Tony peeked out. "Jump in," he said, nodding towards his car. I ran over to the backseat and placed myself inside and leaned back, exhaling deeply.
Then, Tony pressed the speeder and we drove away.