get ready ;)
to set the tone, i wrote this while listening to Love You Goodbye (it came on shuffle)
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FROM - elliepotts11@gmail.com
TO - graciegeorgedesigns@gmail.com
SUBJECT - i'm sorry, gracie
(1:34 PM, 26.01.2017)
Hey, G.
Listen, I know that I haven't been the bestest of best friends lately. I also know that you asked for time, but since when have I been good at listening to demands? Also, we both know that I'm the most stubborn person we know, so consider yourself lucky that I'm breaking first. You know what else I am? Impatient. And bored. It's really boring without you, Gracie. All your jokes. I mean, it's only been like 5 days, but I miss you? I hope you're having fun staying with Mackenzie. I hope he's being nicer to you than I was. God, I really am a bitch aren't I?
On a happier note, I'm trying out this email thing! Time to see what our parents have been raving about all these years. Plus, it feels better to write long things over email than it does over text, so here I go. Also, there's a much smaller chance of you actually reading this email, and I'm kind of scared, you know?
I know what I did was horrible, and I shouldn't have started that fight with you. I was keeping a secret that really didn't need to be kept, and for that I really am truly sorry, G. I just hope that after you get this explanation you might forgive me.
Basically, you remember year 12? Of course you do. Both of us do. I really wish I could forget. Still. It got worse. This year, I went back to that horrible, horrible place that I swore I would never go back to. I mean, you knew that I relapsed, but you didn't know the extent of it. I didn't want to feel weak, you know? You were so happy with Mack, and I didn't want to be the horrible little downer that ruined it all for you. I guess I turned out being the horrible downer anyway, hey?
Still. I guess I was so used to you being there for me. I used to be the only person you had, and you were the same for me. We were so dependent on each other. This time, though, you had Mack. I love him, I really do, and I love how happy he makes you, but I think something inside of me broke, you know? Knowing that I wasn't the only one you had anymore. It was something a bit like jealousy, I think.
I don't even know why I started doing it. I knew how idiotic it was. I started keeping secrets from you. Small things, turned into medium things, turned into huge things that you really should've known about. I guess in some twisted way I thought you'd realise, you know? I thought you would see that I'd kept all this stuff from you, and you'd understand the reason, and then you'd come crawling back and we could be the way we were again.
I'm selfish and horrible, trust me, I know.
Still, I kept burrowing things away. What you just read? That was basically my biggest secret. But those small secrets are unimportant. They were all things like 'I at your cereal' or 'I broke your pen'. Stupid things. They made me feel better, but I also felt worse.
I didn't want the girls to find out either. We'd moved to Sydney, this was our fresh start. No one had to know how screwed up my stupid brain was. They still don't know. I'm afraid that I'll lose them, you know? After keeping something like this from them.
I'm afraid that I'll lose you, too.
So that brings me to when you asked me to talk to someone.
I'm going to lay it right out here - I have not been talking to a therapist. I have not been talking to anyone face-to-face. I know that'll disappoint you, which is what I was afraid of, but hear me out.
I've been talking to Harry Styles.
Yes, One Direction Harry Styles. One and the same. And it's actually helped me. I mean, my bad days have been just as bad as usual, but you noticed that I was having more good days, right? It's because of him.
It's oddly therapeutic, releasing all your stress. I knew that he wouldn't ever read my messages, which was exactly what I wanted. I didn't want anyone to discover how pathetic I'd become, you know? I'm happier when I've talked to him. Releasing that stress has helped me so much, Gracie. I know it isn't what you meant when you said 'talk to someone' but I swear on our friendship (if that's even worth anything anymore) that he's helped me.
I keep pushing people away. I pushed you away, and I don't know what I was thinking. So here I am, laying my big secret bare. I know it seems like such a stupid, stupid thing to keep from you, but I was scared. So terrified. I still am, actually. I'm going to keep on being terrified until you can hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Please Gracie.
I need you in my life. You're my rock. You've kept me stable for so long, and I don't think I'd still be here if I didn't have you. I'm not asking you to give up Mackenzie, or give up your happiness, or give up anything that you love. I swear to you, I'm only asking for your forgiveness. You can have as much more time you want, I won't annoy you anymore. I just had to get this off my chest.
It feels like I haven't been able to breathe, Gracie.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
Love, E.
@gracie_girlie - 26.01.2017
@gracie_girlie : apology not accepted
elliepotts_, theirish_oconnell, and 543 others like this post
COMMENTS - 1
@elliepotts_ : oh.
DIRECT MESSAGES BETWEEN @elliepotts_ AND @ameliafranklin
(2:35 PM, 26.01.2017)
@elliepotts_
hey amelia
don't worry, i know you're probably not awake
it's just that my best friend just kind of dumped me over the stupidest thing
i wrote a really long apology
almost as long as our 12 years of friendship
but hey, I guess it wasn't enough
i guess i wasn't enough
@ameliafranklin
no
you don't get to think like that
you are good enough
your ex-best friend is the one who isn't good enough, okay?
ellie, you're a good person
i've talked to you once, and I can tell you that
i've met my fair share of bullshit people
you are not one of them.
@elliepotts_
oh crap now i'm crying
i mean, i was crying before
but now it's worse
thank you so much amelia
i genuinely needed that
thank you
@ameliafranklin
helping each other is what friends do.
there's no need to thank me.
i don't expect you to be fine after a few sentences, okay?
if you need help, tell me
i will help you okay?
i know how it feels to lose your best friend.
it goddamn sucks.
i am here for you.
however, i do have to go to the recording studio now.
i'm producing that album you so desperately want.
i hope it can cheer you up.
@elliepotts_
your music brought me back from the edge last time.
so that definitely deserves a thank you
good luck in the recording studio, make it a good one
bye, amelia
@ameliafranklin
bye, ellie
stay safe
stay happy
xx
@elliepotts_
i'll try
@ameliafranklin - 26.01.2017
@ameliafranklin : early morning therapy and recording <3 stay happy my loves
elliepotts_, mullingar_girl, and 546,871 others like this post
COMMENTS - 250.3K
@elliepotts_ : <3
@mullingar_girl : you keep me happy ❤️
@i_stan_namelia : i hope everything is okay <3
@ameliafranklin : everything is okay with me, i'm helping a friend who needs it @i_stan_namelia
@i_stan_namelia : i would have a panic attack about being noticed, but i really hope your friend is okay, send her our love
@ameliafranklin : don't worry, i have @i_stan_namelia
@i_stan_namelia : low-key hyperventilating, love you amelia - good luck recording
MORE COMMENTS
DIRECT MESSAGES BETWEEN @elliepotts_ AND @harrystyles
(9:23 PM, 26.01.2017)
@elliepotts_
harry
i did it for good this time
i think i've really lost her
gracie, i mean
my best friend
i wrote out this long apology explaining things
but i guess it wasan't good enough
i wasnt good enough, i suppose
i've already said all this to amelia
but hey, you can't contradict me
i can feel free to be a literal pool of human sadness
the largest grey, stormy raincloud anyone has ever seen
and you can't even do anything about it
how interesting
i don't know if i should keep talking to you
i think i should stop, you know?
this already drove me and gracie apart
quite frankly, harry, you seem to only cause chaos
since i started messaging you, i've ruined at least two friendships
i gained amelia
but that was coincidence
maybe these are my last messages to you, harry
maybe you'll never hear from me again.
not that you'll care.
maybe i'll stop now.
@harrystyles
no, you won't
~~~~
:)
until next time
all the love, K xo