trigger warning : extreme domestic abuse/child abuse
| please don't read if you're sensitive about this, your mental health is my priority. |
"A-After everything we've been through?! You decided to lie to me like that and betray my trust? I-I can't believe it." Soobin sniffled, taking a tissue and pressing it to the inner corner of his eye.
"Oh my GOD! Stop being so over dramatic. I slept with her once! It was ages ago." Beomgyu snapped.
"Why didn't you tell me?! You've always hated Lucy!" Soobin said at Beomgyu, who rolled his eyes.
"Well- um- remember when you moved in with Yeonjun? I was all alone one night, and I randomly began messaging her. It was before the hangout in arcade, that's why I'm late, and then ya know... one thing led to another." Beomgyu said.
Soobin grimaced, "I honestly didn't expect that from you, you must be so bored, huh?" Soobin said, putting his fist forward, and Beomgyu fist bumped him.
"I had a long ass conversation with her on the train. She told me everything that happened that night when I was drunk. Um- Yeonjun didn't do anything inappropriate." Soobin said, sighing in relief.
"How can you just go with what Lucy says?" Beomgyu asked.
Soobin gulped, "Well, um-" Soobin began, and then scratched the back of his head, "I trust him."
"H-He did punch that other captain." Soobin said, and then Beomgyu nodded. "Okay, fair enough."
"Are you gonna go talk to him?" Beomgyu asked.
"Yeah. In fact, I'll go right now." Soobin said, and Beomgyu hummed and sat down on his bed, "By the way, what's going on with you and Ryujin?"
"Nothing!" Beomgyu quickly said, blushing, "We just talked that night, nothing more."
"Hmm, sure." Soobin winked, and then giggled and walked out of his dorm.
| Yeonjun's room |
Yeonjun was sitting on his bed while facing Lucy, who was sitting on the other bed. She rose her eyebrow at him, and then sighed.
"Why are so fucking quiet?! I saved your football career for fuck's sake! If I wasn't there, Soobin would've thought and told the entire school that you raped him!" Lucy shouted.
"But you told Soobin way more than necessary!" Yeonjun snapped, and then looked at Lucy, "Why are you getting involved in my business?"
"Don't you dare be angry at me." Lucy said sharply.
"I was high as fuck that night, and I knew he was drunk! He didn't need to know how and what I felt about him!" Yeonjun said.
"I-I was just spewing bullshit that night, anyway. Now he's going to think I want him to be my boyfriend or something." Yeonjun mumbled.
"Don't you?" Lucy asked.
"No! I'm not gay, Lucy. For fuck's sake! Will you just shut the fuck up?!" Yeonjun grumbled, covering his face with his hands.
"I literally didn't say anything."
"You did! You could've told him that I didn't take advantage of him instead of telling him I'm in love with him!" Yeonjun snapped.
Lucy sighed, rolling her eyes, "I helped you out!"
"Get up and get out of my room. Now!" Yeonjun said.
Lucy frowned, "I could still turn the table, Yeonjun. I could still lie, but what I did?! I fucking saved you! Anyways, you're still into fucking dudes, I still have that on you, so I don't know where you're getting this confidence from." Lucy said, standing up.
Yeonjun looked at her. For some reason, the thought of Lucy knows this shit about him sent his insides into a whirlwind of anxiety, so he threw out any words that left his mouth.
"As if anyone's going to believe you. You always start rumors, Lucy. You're a wannabe high school queen socialite who didn't get enough attention as a child."
Lucy frowned, "Woah- what the fuck did I even do to you?! I'm being unreasonably nice to you-"
"Unreasonably nice? You're being a fucking bitch, as usual!" Yeonjun snapped, standing up.
Both of them didn't see the door of Yeonjun's dorm room opening.
"Do you ever wonder why you have no friends? And why no one likes you? Because you're a bitch, Lucy. You always have been and you always will be-"
"Hey!" Soobin let out, rushing over to stand in front of Yeonjun, "Hey, don't say that!" Soobin said to Yeonjun.
Soobin saw Lucy looking lost of words, a little upset, "I-I was-" Lucy began, and then gulped, "I was just trying to be nice for once. Why're you getting so mad?" Lucy asked with a shaking voice.
Soobin frowned at Yeonjun. "Because I don't like anyone know this shit about me, got it? So fuck off!" Yeonjun snarled, sitting down on his bed.
Lucy looked at Yeonjun for a few seconds, and then grabbed her bag and headed out.
"Lucy-" Soobin called out, but she walked out of Yeonjun's dorm room and slammed the door shut.
Soobin looked at Yeonjun, eyebrows furrowed, "That was really mean! Why did you say all of that?" Soobin asked.
Yeonjun sighed, "I don't need her knowing so much about me, it's fucking weird." Yeonjun grumbled, and Soobin bit the inside of his cheek. He didn't like how mean Yeonjun was sometimes.
Yeonjun looked at Soobin, and then scoffed, "Why are you here anyway? Don't you have some master plan to make?"
"What master plan?"
"Plan to make me feel like utter shit?"
Soobin looked at his feet, "Not yet." Soobin said in a small voice, and then felt Yeonjun grab him and pull him closer until he was standing between Yeonjun's legs, while Yeonjun was sitting down on the bed, looking up at him.
"Why did you do that, Binnie?" Yeonjun asked, voice softer than earlier.
"Why does it bother you? It's not like you like me." Soobin mumbled, and saw Yeonjun open his mouth to say something, but then close it. Soobin felt Yeonjun's arms circle his waist.
"You've hurt me so many times, I-I just wanted to make you feel what I feel."
"Hurt you?" Yeonjun asked.
Soobin nodded, "That time at the arcade when we were alone... and that time when you were mean to me.. and that other time you were mean to me... and then when you kissed me but asked Lucy out the next day... or when-"
"I got it." Yeonjun let out, and Soobin saw him looking away; "I shouldn't have hurt you so many times."
"Yeah." Soobin said, and then paused for a bit, and kicked Yeonjun's foot lightly, "Meanie."
Yeonjun smiled at that, and then pulled Soobin onto his lap, looking at the boy fondly. Soobin brushed Yeonjun's blue hair.
"Lucy told me what you said to me that night, and I'm sorry for assuming the worst, I-I couldn't help it-"
"That's alright." Yeonjun whispered, "But I'd never hurt you like that, you know that, right?"
"Yes." Soobin said, and kissed Yeonjun's forehead.
Yeonjun blushed a little, and so did Soobin, "We are still at this forehead thingy?" Yeonjun giggled.
"Shut up. Tell me what's going on, Yeonjunnie. I know this isn't just about having sex anymore."
Yeonjun's breath hitched, "Binnie." Yeonjun said softly, "I'm straight, you know that-"
Soobin pressed their lips together, and Yeonjun hummed into the kiss, feeling enlightened with the touch of Soobin's lips against his. Soobin pulled away, and Yeonjun blinked.
"I'm 99.99% straight, you know that." Yeonjun said again.
Soobin giggled, "I'm breaking you down." Soobin whispered, and Yeonjun sighed.
Soobin cupped his face, "I don't care, Jun. You can take all the time you need to figure it out, but stop lying to yourself about how you feel about me."
Yeonjun gulped. He looked up at Soobin, "How do you feel about me?" Yeonjun asked, and Soobin felt his heart gallop while looking into Yeonjun's eyes.
Soobin got up from Yeonjun's lap, walking a few steps away, "I'll tell you, but it might ruin everything." Soobin said, biting his lip.
"Aw, tell meee!" Yeonjun whined, and Soobin smiled. He felt his heart racing rapidly.
"Y-You remember the night of the a-art exhibition?" Soobin stammered, and Yeonjun stood up to walk over to him. Soobin suddenly felt two hands on his waist.
"Yeah?" Yeonjun asked.
Soobin gulped, "D-Don't get mad at me, please?" Soobin squeaked, and Yeonjun shook his head, "I won't." Yeonjun whispered.
Soobin looked hesitant, but nonetheless, looked at Yeonjun, "I-I sort of started having a crush on you back then..." Soobin trailed, and then instantly looked away, deciding he didn't want to see Yeonjun's expression.
"I-I sort of started w-wanting us to be more than j-just fuck buddies." Soobin added.
"This was since the night of the art exhibition?" Yeonjun let out.
Soobin gulped, "Yes. I know! I know it's super weird. But-" Soobin began, but then sighed.
"I j-just love all the conversation we had and I love spending time with you. Y-You're a good listener a-and-" Soobin looked at him, "I like you. I like you a lot, Yeonjun."
Yeonjun pressed their lips together, and Soobin let out a mewl of surprise, hands grabbing Yeonjun's collar. Soobin felt himself get picked up and placed onto the wooden desk, Yeonjun's lips all over his own.
"Fuck-" Yeonjun said, pulling away, he smiled, "You've had feelings for me since then?"
"Y-Yeah." Soobin squeaked, happy because Yeonjun didn't seem angry. Yeonjun chuckled, kissing Soobin's cheeks.
"I'm sorry for all the times I kept saying we'd be nothing more than fuck buddies, wow, I said that quite a lot." Yeonjun mumbled.
"It's okay." Soobin said, and then brought his hand on Yeonjun's face, "You're not mad?"
"Why would I be mad about this? You like me, and I-I don't know. I enjoy that, quite overwhelming honestly." Yeonjun let out, and then kissed him again.
Soobin giggled into the kiss, and then pulled away. He kissed Yeonjun's cheek, "How long have you had feelings for me?" Soobin asked.
Yeonjun paused.
He looked at Soobin with a small smile, and Soobin waited a few seconds for the answer. The silence went on for too long, and Soobin rose his eyebrow.
Yeonjun hummed, "Well-" Yeonjun began, and then cleared his throat, "Never. I-I- um- I don't have feelings for you-" Yeonjun said.
Soobin's eyes widened, and he pushed Yeonjun off of him, "Oh?" Soobin said, then jumped off the desk, eyes still wide, heart still pounding, stomach in a twist.
"D-Don't get mad, Soobin. I just-"
"No, no! I-I'm not mad." Soobin let out, looking away, mouth open in shock, "I j-just thought you-you did, because-"
"Why did you think that?" Yeonjun asked, scratching his head.
"Because!" Soobin snapped, turning around, enraged. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down, "You said all that shit to me when you were high— about how overwhelmed you feel when you look at me. And you seem happy when we spend time together, and you keep wanting me back every time I go away!" Soobin cried, and then Yeonjun just blinked.
"Oh, jeez, well, then I guess I do like you!"
"What?" Soobin asked in confusion.
Yeonjun sighed, "Look, Soobin. I'm not good at this. I've never had feelings for anyone. I don't know if this is how it's supposed to feel like." Yeonjun said.
Yeonjun looked at Soobin, the boy looked like he was going to cry. Yeonjun rushed to him, grabbing his waist.
"Hey, don't cry! Don't cry, baby. I-I want you! I want you really badly, and I do want to spend all my time with you-"
"Then what?!" Soobin snapped, cheeks red and eyes watery, looking way too cute.
Yeonjun sighed, "I want to do all of that, but I don't wanna... like, do it like I'm gay or something."
Soobin took a deep breath, "Yeonjun, you're not making any sense-"
"I'm not gay. I'm not bisexual. I'm straight." Yeonjun confirmed, and Soobin didn't have the energy to roll his eyes.
"I want you to be my... I don't know the word for it— like my girlfriend, but you're not a girl."
"A boyfriend!" Soobin snapped.
Yeonjun gulped, "Yeah, but no- because- well, I'm straight, and also— I don't want a boyfriend, nor a girlfriend. I like you a lot. Do I want to date you? Yes. No. I don't know. Maybe. I mean, yes. Of course, you're amazing. But like, also, no. Because-" Yeonjun began yabbering.
Soobin cupped his face with his hands, "Yeonjun, you're confused and you're unsure, but that's fine." Soobin whispered.
Yeonjun gulped, eyes big. "We can take it as slow as you want. We don't have to tell anyone, not anyone in the world— except Beomgyu." Soobin said the loud part quickly.
"I don't care about the gay or straight thing— just tell me this—" Soobin said, and then looked into his eyes, their proximity quite close, "Do you like me?"
Yeonjun gulped, and Soobin blinked. Yeonjun looked into his pretty eyes. "Does your heart flutter when you think of me? Do you get butterflies in your stomach when you look at me? Do you want me more than anyone else?" Soobin asked softly.
Yeonjun felt as if he was caught in a trance while looking at Soobin, "Yes." Yeonjun let out, unable to stop the smile reaching his face.
"Then, good." Soobin said, smiling a little, "That's all I need." Soobin whispered, and then pressed their lips together.
Yeonjun held Soobin's waist tightly while kissing him, and felt his heart galloping. Soobin smiled into the kiss, felt himself get picked up and placed onto the bed. Soobin looked up at Yeonjun and smiled.
"You're mine now." Soobin giggled, and Yeonjun smiled fondly.
"I've always been yours." Yeonjun whispered, and they pressed their lips together again.
"You're my home."
"You're my home too, Soobin." Yeonjun said, Soobin's warmth making him feel safe.
| 7 year old Yeonjun/Daniel |
Yeonjun kicked the big ball towards the tree, and then began squealing in joy. He saw his mother standing behind him and giggled at her.
"Mommy, mommy! Look! It hit the tree!"
"Come here, Captain Choi! Let mommy give you kisses for a reward!" Liyeon said, hugging his son tightly and kissing his cheek and forehead.
Yeonjun rushed to her, and then smiled, "Captain Choi?" Yeonjun asked excitedly.
"Isn't that your dream, my little boy?" Liyeon said with a big smile.
"I'll be Captain Choi soon, mommy! I promise you! You'll watch me in the World Cup, okay?" Yeonjun giggled.
"Wow, my baby Dan already knows that World Cup, huh? You've watched a lot of football games. Of course, mommy will always be there for your every game. If you ever get that Captain position, don't ever let that go, okay?" Liyeon said.
"Promise!" Yeonjun said, raising his two hands.
Yeonjun saw her loving eyes, and then looked behind her and gasped.
"Mommy, can I go play with my friends?" Yeonjun asked, and his mother nodded, ruffling his hair.
Yeonjun ran up to the playground, "Justin!" Yeonjun called loudly and saw the boy turn around.
"Dan!" The little boy squealed, and Yeonjun rushed over and hugged him tightly, both falling onto the ground.
Both began rolling around in the grass, and then stopped after a few seconds.
"Why didn't you come to my party?" Justin asked, pouting, "I was expecting you will come, because you're the first one I handed out an invitation."
Yeonjun frowned a little, sitting down beside him, "Uh- um- something h-happened in our house, so my mom didn't let me go." Yeonjun said sadly.
Justin booped his nose, "Hey, it's okay! You know what my mommy said? She told me that you and I are like baby Romo and Julett."
"Who's Romo and Julett?" Yeonjun squeaked, and Justin shrugged. Justin grabbed Yeonjun's soft hand.
"I dunno, but I know they give each other kisses on the-" Justin began and pouted his lips.
Yeonjun gasped, eyes wide. Scandalous.
"Kisses on the what??" Yeonjun asked like it was the craziest thing he'd ever heard.
Justin giggled, "Like this." Justin said, and then leaned over and kissed Yeonjun on the lips.
Yeonjun blushed and clapped his hands together, "My turn!" Yeonjun said, and then kissed Justin back.
"D-Daniel!" A voice came, and Yeonjun turned to see his mother rushing over to him, "Son, we need to go." She said hastily, grabbing Yeonjun's hand and tugging him along.
"Bye bye, Justin!" Yeonjun said, waving his hand. Justin waved back, sad to see Yeonjun go.
"Mommy, what's wrong?" Yeonjun asked, and then his mommy stopped and leaned down to look at him. She looked scared.
"W-Why did you do that? I've told you to never do that with boys right? Y-Your daddy is here, Dan." Liyeon stammered.
Yeonjun suddenly saw his father behind his mother, fuming in anger.
"Daddy..." Yeonjun trailed, and then Yeonjun saw his mother standing up to look at him, eyes wide.
"D-Don't hurt Daniel! H-He's just a kid, Dave!" Liyeon said, keeping Yeonjun behind her.
Dave, Yeonjun's father, grabbed his mother roughly by the arm, "Shut the fuck up! We'll talk when we get home."
They all walked home in silence. One hour later, Yeonjun was sitting in his bedroom, playing with a stuff toy he owned. His television was playing very loudly, his mother had left it like that before she went away.
Yeonjun got annoyed and clicked the television off after she left. Due to the silence, Yeonjun could hear his mother crying from upstairs, the loud sound of hitting and slapping is very clear.
Yeonjun quickly rushed to his mother, and saw his father slapping his mom very hard that her face was almost bleeding. Yeonjun tugged his father's shirt, stopping him from slapping his mom.
"I swear to fucking god, Liyeon! If you raise him like that I'll throw you out of my goddamn house!" Dave shouted.
Due to irritability, Dave turned his head to see Yeonjun tugging his shirt. Dave grabbed Yeonjun's arms roughly.
"You, faggot! See your mother? Do this one more time, and you'll see her with no pulse." Dave growled, pushing Yeonjun away.
"D-Daddy.. stop!! Stop! I-I will never d-do it again..." Yeonjun said between his hiccups, seeing the face of his mother full of blood.
Yeonjun's eyes landed on the ground, seeing a broken vase and broken plates. Probably used to hit his mother.
"You better be! If you have any plans of growing up like a fucking faggot, say it and I'll gut you with a knife together with your mother!"
"Dave! You can't just say it like that to your son! He's so young to see this! H-He's a kid for fuck's sake! He doesn't know anything about it!" Liyeon tried, but Dave just smirked at her.
"Son? Who are you calling my son? This faggot?!" Dave said, pointing at Yeonjun, who's crying loudly.
Dave turned his head at Yeonjun, "Remember this, Daniel. As long as you're using my money to live, my blood running down on your veins, and as long as you're Choi and you're carrying my name— which is forever- you're not allowed to be a fucking faggot! Do you get that?!"
Yeonjun nodded hurriedly, even though he didn't know why his father was so fucking mad, all he knows is that he doesn't want to see his mom like this. He doesn't want his mom crying, having blood all over her face, and evident bruises on her arms.
He hated it.
He hated how his own father made his mommy cry all the time.
After an hour of crying, both Yeonjun and Liyeon walked to Yeonjun's room. She sat down beside him, pulling him onto her lap, and began stroking his hair, kissing his forehead lightly.
"It's okay baby, don't cry."
"W-Why'd he hit you, mommy?" Yeonjun asked, crying into her chest.
Yeonjun's mother didn't say anything, just continued patting him to make him stop crying, "Don't worry about it, little Daniel. You remember what you told me, right?" She asked softly, and Yeonjun saw bandages on her face.
"W-When I get older, I-I'll get a house and y-you'll stay with me. Just the two of us, no daddy." Yeonjun said sadly, and his mother smiled softly.
"Yes, but for now, just obey your father, huh? W-We can't stay away from him. You still need to study and do football to do all you want in the future, okay?" Liyeon smiled a little.
Yeonjun nodded, "Sorry, mommy. I won't do it again if it means daddy won't bully you." Yeonjun whispered, and got a kiss on the forehead.
"I'm sorry you had to see all that, baby." She whispered into his hair, and Yeonjun felt himself safe in her arms.
| 13 year old Yeonjun/Daniel |
Yeonjun got suspended from his middle school.
"I-I'm sorry!" Yeonjun heard a little voice say, "Pl-please-"
"Shut the fuck up, you fag!" Yeonjun snarled at the boy and heard his friends laugh behind beside him.
Justin.
Justin was on the floor, and had gotten punched in the stomach.
The boy looked at Yeonjun, tears in his eyes. Yeonjun turned around, and he and his friends walked away.
"Wasn't he your best friend when you were kids?"
"Yeah, whatever." Yeonjun grumbled and saw his friends laugh and walk in front of him. Yeonjun turned around and saw Justin on the floor still, calling his mother on the phone and pleading her to pick him up quickly.
"You guys can go now, I have some work to finish." Yeonjun excused, and his friends nodded.
Yeonjun's breath hitched, and ran to Justin quickly.
"I-I'm sorry, Justin." Yeonjun said worriedly, and Justin just pushed him.
"You did that to impress them? I don't need you in my life, Dan. Stay away from me!" Justin said, and left the school.
When he reached home later, he found his father sitting on the couch, "You got suspended for beating a kid up?" His father asked.
Yeonjun gulped, "He was a fag, anyway." Yeonjun mumbled.
He heard his father laugh, "Oh, I thought it was something stupid reason. You're a young boy, it's fine. You're going to boarding school next month."
"Yeah." Yeonjun said, and then walked into his bedroom, closed the door behind him, and sat on his bed, crying for the rest of the night.
After that, Yeonjun never saw Justin again. He didn't even get a chance to apologize.
Yeonjun's quiet, but he's not deaf. Yeonjun said nothing, but he sees everything and he's not blind.
Yeonjun. Daniel. Still the same boy.
Daniel, a 6 year old kid, victim of domestic/child abuse.
The pain. The memory. The trauma.
Words are like swords— if you use them the wrong way, they'll turn into ugly weapons.
today's date: 09/06/2020