You know that moment, when fear has escaped you. When you are standing in the middle of a field of flowers, knowing, or you think you know nothing will happen. How could it happen anyways right? It was the best moment of your life, and suddenly the ground starts to shake, tearing through the hard muddy ground, as flower gets stuck.
Could you imagine?
Once you were standing in an ocean of flowers, the next you realize disaster just struck. A disaster chosen by faith. Faith is funny right? More horrendous I presume.
The beep wouldn't leave my ears. I stood there in fear as the other surgeons took over. The blood on my gloves dropped to the ground almost as if it was a new music rhythm to my ears.
"Her pulse is dropping" Called out a doctor.
"We need to page cardio!" Called out the other.
"Let me just clip this aneurysm!" Dr. Hamza beamed out.
"Put her on bypass!"
"Not yet!"
"Dr. Aiyla!" Someone called out for me. Yet I was lost in the rhythmic motions of the beating machine. "Dr. Aiyla! Page Cardio!"
My head snapped at one of the nurses, and I instantly did. Grabbing my pager, I 911 Dr. Keen to OR2.
"Dr. Aiyla! Come here" Dr. Hamza spoke out firmly. My heart was sinking inside, I looked at the man behind me, and his head bowed down almost in tears. If I had the guts, and the power I'd strangle the man. It was him, who was not carelessly looking, decided to blindly bump into me and I hit on of the ventricles.
I gulped as I approached him. My eyes quickly glanced at his pale face, he didn't look mad yet all the other nurses and doctors did.
"She shouldn't have been working here" I heard a whisper from behind me.
That hit me like a dagger right through my heart.
"Enough all of you!" Dr. Hamza voice was loud and scary, making me take a step back. Everyone remained quiet and looked at him. "Is it her fault that she clipped the wrong area? No, did she even clip an area? No! She's a student more so like most of you, I am the head of this neuro department and I will not tolerate any ignorance or hate towards my students, do you hear me! And if you dare, say anything about her being a Muslim, let me tell you, I am a Muslim too, and we Muslim are the best and the most caring in town. Show respect! And You!"
He pointed towards the girl nurses who were chit chattering.
"Out of my OR. You, Call cardiac! Stop panicking she is not dying!" He yelled, and finally got to work.
I was terrified to stand next to Dr. Hamza Aasim ever since. He was loud, and seemed to get what he wanted.
"So, it is okay Aiyla, things happen. Let me just show you how it's done"
He took the clip and clipped the vessel, and stitched one that was bleeding. My heart started to bounce even harder as he offered me to close up. I wanted to disagree so badly, but I didn't want to sound like a baby. So I nodded my head, and took is spot, and stitched my way around the former U shape I had cut.
"Amazing mashallah" He said softly. The change in tone was peculiar – he is probably my key to success.
"Jazakallah" I finally decided to say a word.
"Good Job" another doctor approached.
The doors flew open, as Dr. Keen rushed inside the surgery room with Hana along with her. Her eyes shot up to me, raising an eyebrow, questioning of what had happened. I widened my eyes darting away, hoping she gets that I meant that I'll talk to her later. Allowing the doctors talk to each other, as he fills in detail for Dr. Keen I stepped out un-scrubbing myself.
I could feel cold air burning against my skin, causing my hands to start shaking and my body start to shiver. I could have killed the patient, she could have died and everyone trust me for it. Even though Dr. Hamza warned everyone, my mind did not relax. I could feel my adrenalin rushing everywhere. I needed to sit, I found a bench right across the OR, sitting down I buried my face into my hands.
I was so scared.
Scared because I almost killed a young girl.
The world inside me sunk, and it felt as if my soul was melting. That is how terrified I was.
"We can't control what will happen, there is only so much we can do" my head jolts up to face the voice. It was Dr. Hamza standing at a distance, with files in his hands. "It wasn't you fault, Alhamdulilah, you should be thankful. It was someone elses, they were the ones who were careless. Stuff will happen like this, but we – as surgeons need to stay strong"
I agreed with what he said. I was strong in terms of facing with horrifying patients, and families – also with the people who probably hated the guts out of me. It was my first surgery – first neuro surgery which went horrible. "Is she alive?" my voice came out quite.
"Well, they are working on her heart, she actually had a stroke, and it happens in surgery when a patient is under stress, however in my calculations she'll be up in gippy"
'In my calculating... she'll be up in a gippy' did he literally say that? I couldn't help it but burst out in laughter. Covering my mouth, feeling ashamed I quickly apologized gulped my laughter back in.
"So what I'm old schooled" he shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's Asr. I'll page you when needed"
Mentally face palming myself, because I just laughed at my boss – what a great way for the day to continue right. I made my way out of the OR hall and into the main floor.
"Aiyla! Aiyla!"
That voice brought a smile to my face, to my distant Zayna ran towards me giving me a big hug, "guess what! Guess what!" she squealed jumping up and down.
"What! What!" I mimicked back at her.
"I just attended a pediatric surgery, where the babies had their organs inside out" Her words shot me right into my acidity level causing me to almost puke. Scrunching my nose, I shook my head and took her towards our lounge.
"And guess what happened with me!"
"What?!"
"I" I sat down on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. "I had my first ever neuro surgery, clipping an aneurysm, and... guess what... astaghfurillah, I almost killed the girl" My eyes hover over to Zayna who looked at me confused, as if I was almost lying. "Okay... maybe not me, but, someone pushed me and yeah I hit the wrong vessel"
"Yaar, that was somebody else not you!"
"I know..."
"So quite whining like a baby, and let's go pray"
"Don't need to" I rolled my eyes, as pain emerged near my bladder to my stomach – slowly washing over my thighs. Great speak of the devil, and the pain decided to appear now. How wonderful. "You should go, I'll meet you at the cafeteria?" my voice winced out in pain, struggling to sit up.
Zayna agreed and left me alone with the pain. God I hate their cramps so much, it hurts me like bullets stabbing into my thighs and back. Did you realize girls go through so damn much, yet we are so unappreciated by ungrateful people out there, speaking of people – I mean men.
"AIYLA! AIYLA!" Hana screamed running inside towards me. Her face pooled with happiness and excitement. "IT HAPPENED!" she shrieked jumping up and down, giggling her heart out. Clasped her hands over her mouth.
Let me tell you a quick back story on what actually "happened" that made her so excited. My great friend Hanna had a huge crush on this guy, like a huge huge one. However obviously she didn't do anything. The guy though god he was the sweetest! So sweet and respectful upon woman, and was religious which was a point hitter for her.
So as months passed, we couldn't help notice he started become over protective and odd around her, that's when her sis came along and blubbered out how much he would love to marry hana and since then Hanna has been awaiting his call, or let's presume proposal!
"He called?" My mouth opened in shock.
She nodded her head and sat beside me.
"So..."
"Well, he said –
"Dr. Aiyla" A nurse called out to me. Apologizing to Hana I approached the nurse who stood outside of the intern's area. "Dr. Hamza wants you to review all these notes, and your round starts in 2 minutes, you think you got this?" He pursed his lips, his face showed the remorse of me having to do such heavy work in a span of 2 minutes.
"What! 2 minutes are you okay?" I huffed a frustrating breath out. 2 Minutes and 3 files, do you know how dreadful that is. Shaking my head, I quickly went over the pages of all the three files. I was furious – more so at my boss. Who gives an intern – who wants to do well in their education, a span of two minutes to study the patients cases.
I got it, he was the head of department of all, but really you know he could've gone easy on the girl who messed up horribly in the OR. Before I know it, my pager starts to ring. I quickly took it out and read 'room 380' which meant it was the third file patient, Marcus Lenard. My eyes scanned over his reports, over and over while I managed to blindly find my way to 7B. My eyes shot up as I heard distinct chit chats, more familiar voice like Addison's.
"Addison?" I whispered questioningly to myself. 'What is she doing here' I thought. Was she not wanting to do cardiac? Was she trying to steal my position of doing very well? If yes, I would've smacked her right there. Well, no, not smack, but that meant fine... I would challenge her till I win.
Upon approaching the group, we made our way inside the room. "Dr. Aiyla" his raspy deep voice called out for me. As soon as he called me, my heart thudded loudly, feeling all eyes stare into my core.
I do not know if it was just me, but that was me at school too, whenever teachers, or someone would pick on me randomly my heart would start pounding, and sweat would start trickling on the top of my forehead. I got scared, I guess I was so scared of messing up, that impurity was my worst enemy.
Clearing my throat, I said "14 year old patient, Marcus Lenard, impairment of the left brain which has caused his difficulty in reading, writing, or any logistic activity. He has suffered this due to a car accident two years ago, treatments were neglected until –
"We still do not approve!" A woman yelled from behind, everyone turned to dart their eyes at her. "And who do you think you are!" her voice raged louder, not to others but her eyes matched mines as she stormed towards me.
"What do you think you are doing" She pointed her finger at me.
My eyes gazed at her solemnly, I did not want to make a scene neither ruin my first day at here. "Miss I'm just –
"Hey you!" Now a male voice yelled out, his eyes only focused on me. I might have been only 24 at that time, but that doesn't mean I was still scared to death. Woman I can handle, but when it came to men – I had this fear of them, fear they would do something, something no girl would ever want to face.
"Look, I am an intern here, just like the rest of us. I was only reading your son's reports. I am sure we can help –
My voice was cut off again by the father I'm assuming.
"Hey!" I heard another male voice yell out across the room. Everyone looks over to Dr. Hamza, it was a literal reality TV show. My eyes went back on the father, whom was approaching me with a fist ball of hand. I was so frightened, that all I wanted to do was kick him in his private part and run for safety. Though, that was not necessary, I watched as Dr. Hamza walked towards me and stood in front of the men.
"You have no right to talk to a women like that, she is one of the best interns I've ever head, and I am the head neuro off this hospital. If you have any problems, you must treat it ethically. If you are not comfortable with her handling the patient, that I will not add her onto our case, however let me tell you, you'll lose the perfect chance to save your son." His voice was demanding, but showed respect and calmness within it. His shoulder was broad, that I could hardly see anything in front of me.
"We do not care, we have you young white men, and white women taking care of our son."
No matter how hard I wanted to stay strong. My eyes forced to become glossy, but I didn't dare look up.
I heard him laugh at that response. "I am a Muslim too" He mentioned the truth. "We Muslims are no harm, in fact many of us are here to help one another out, there are Muslim doctors, teachers, professors, and much more. Trust me sir, Muslim's does not mean they are 'brown' only, many cultural societies consist of Muslims."
A smile erupted on my lips, he was right. I was so glad that someone had the guts to point that out, but that poor kid must feel dreadful to have his parents arguing when we should be saving his life. I don't get how they can do that, we all went through med school, we all are doctors what is the harm in which race is helping out. My heart was still aching with the words that shot out of the patient's father mouth, and I couldn't let this lead any longer.
"Uhm" I voice cracked as I came out in front of others sight. "It is okay, you do what you feel is best for your son, but don't kick Dr. Hamza out, he is a good doctor, and is the head. I am fine to leave" My voice came out quickly and I ran out of the room.
Before I know it my lips had turned into a frown, and the heavy cloud inside my head decided to rain. Warm tears rushed down my cheeks unexpectedly, sniffling I ran so quick that no one caught a glimpse of me and ran into the intern lounge. I shut the door behind me, my body crashed to the ground, and I let out my cry burying my face into my arms. 'Ya Allah, help me, why, why have I been so sad lately' my thoughts praised to god. He was the only one who could truly bring me happiness.
I was just too confused, why was I crying. Was it really because of that family? Or what if my insecurities had took the best of me again. I didn't want that, but sometimes it happens, especially when you divert yourself away from god. I've actually realized that a lot.
The aroma of sickness availed me as I had cornered myself in the intern room area. It's hard to realize that I am blinded to what reality has held for me. The moment where I feel lonely even though everyone is around me – Even their presence didn't enlighten my day. It feels like there is a thick layer of darkness floating around encompassing me so that I won't escape.
I have an amazing job, I go out with friends, and have all those fun this; however my inner soul cried out to my weakness. My deep chocolate brown eyes searched the sky for clues; nevertheless, I don't know what I was looking for. My heart yearned for me to go out and search but I still didn't know what I was looking for. I am like a jug filled with sorrows, which is places on a shelf where no one tends to clean the filth.
The light from the outside seeped through my skin causing me to melt down into nothing but a pool, LOST. Why was I unhappy? I have everything, money, job, my mom, siblings, and yet I compared myself absurdly to the poor feeling slightly more pain than them. A poor is those who've lost a family member, having to drink from dirty water, having no clothes to protect themselves, yet I feel words than them. Night fell, and I guess everyone got the clue I didn't want to be heard, my attending even stopped buzzing me. My salty tears streaked down my face. Then it struck me. Yes, that is it, I've lost my faith and belief. Faith and belief empower one to stay strong and understand the existence of life. That has drowned, and I felt nothing but a thin fog floating clueless on earth.
I wasn't the best as everyone assumed.
A/N: so.. Aiyla seems to be having a bad day.
what do you all think of Dr. Hamza eh *wink*
What do you think of Aiyla not thinking that she isn't the "best" as everyone assumes, could she be holding a secret, does she have a dark past, or is she just sad? What is up with her?