|Vienna|
I was in love with him.
Van. Van McCann.
It was strange. And frightening - how Van McCann went from a total stranger to being the one person I was extremely infatuated by. Van McCann, the face that was all boy, the face that always lit up with the grin that boys wore when they have something mischievous in mind. The face that would beam with pride and joy, like the world meant no worries to him. His dirty brown sometimes blonde hair would always flop over his eyes whenever he glanced at someone and he would then run his wonderfully long fingers along the strands to keep them in place. And those eyes - wonderfully blue, wonderfully beautiful. So sparkly, so blue. Cooling yet filled with warmth and passion, made my heart skipped a beat whenever I caught them. With just one look, it felt like I belong.
But I never told him any of that. I mean, he knew I liked him, but I never admitted anything more than that. Sure, we kissed. In the closet. Once. And that was it. It was enough to validate my feelings for him. To feel something unfathomable like that was just too complicated and overwhelming for me to tell him. Or anyone.
"I don't feel good," Van suddenly came up to me, trying to squeeze himself into the small space on the chair I was sitting on at the artist tent backstage. The boys had just finished playing a spectacular set despite the fact that half of them suffered from food poisoning a day before Glasto. He placed his hand around me, his head snuggled into my neck like it was the most comfortable place to rest his head. My heart stopped. His breathes were tickling my skin. He didn't seem to realize how much he was affecting me.
"Still feeling sick?" I managed to ask, carefully scanning the area just to see if anyone was watching us. They were eyes watching, but I was to afraid to look anywhere. I just focused on my lap to deviate the attention. Maybe I was being paranoid. Maybe I was anxious. Still anxious about what Larry or the management would think about us.
Van groaned on my skin. "I might vomit again."
"Do you need to lie down or something?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not," he shrugged, still holding onto me like I was his cure for his nauseating state. "I have like, I don't know, four or five interviews shortly. Not sure how I'm going to deal with that."
"Tea?" I offered, like it was the solution to his all of his problems.
He could only shake his head.
"You don't look so good, mate," Dan suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I was startled and quickly straightened myself, but Van, he was still holding onto me comfortable like a koala. He obviously didn't care if anyone knew.
Van sighed.
"Still feeling poorly are you?" Dan asked, sitting in front of us.
"It's not getting any better, I can tell you that mate," Van groggily answered, as he finally released himself away from me.
"I can cancel your interviews and get the rest to do it for you. Can't afford to lose my frontman for tomorrow's gig," Dan said with furrowed brows. "Go get some rest, Van."
"Can you do that?" Van straightened up. I couldn't help but glanced at him. His nose was so perfect looking from the angle I was sitting.
"Like I said, I'd rather let you skip those interviews rather than cancel on gigs. Go. Get some rest."
"Thanks, Dan." Van smiled.
"You too, Vienna. You don't have to wait around for the lads. Consider the rest of the day your leisure day. It's Glasto after all. Go. Have fun," Dan winked.
"Are you sure?" I looked at Dan, confused.
"Yeah. I'm gonna roam around myself right after the boys are done with those bloody interviews. Can't wait for that," Dan exhaled. I bet he was too tied up with work and touring that he needed a bit of a breather himself.
Van wasted no time and quickly grab my hand. He held it like I was a lost child, looking for her mother. "Gonna go and rest on the bus now then," he signaled a thumb up with a huge grin plastered on his face.
"Of course you would," Dan chuckled which made me blush. The way he said it sounded like he was thinking of something else other than Van resting.
Van exhaled when we were finally at the back of the bus. He crashed himself on the couch and rested his head against the wall.
"Yeah. Okay. I should let you rest then. Let me know if you want anything. I'll be in my bunk," I told him.
"Please stay. I want you to stay," he said softly. "Why are behaving like you're my assistant or something?" Van asked with furrowed brows as he stood up, quickly shutting the door behind him. Click. I heard it being locked. Oh shit.
"Come here," he spoke softly again, almost like a whisper as he rapidly closed the gap between us. His hand grabbed onto my waist so suddenly, making me flinched. We were so close that the tip of my nose touched the skin of his neck. I was almost unable to breathe. Van wasted no time and leaned in to kiss me.
"You're not really sick, are you?" I managed to say between his lips. He responded with a smile before he briefly bit his lower lip. The tip of our noses still touched.
He planned this. He knew the only time we could be alone together was when the other boys were busy with interviews that he just skipped. Oh my god. He definitely had planned this!
"Maybe," he chuckled. Van started to unbutton my shirt. Slowly. One by one. Our lips met again but we were not kissing. We were just standing there. Breathing together. Inhaling and exhaling. I counted the number of the buttons of my shirt in my head as he unbuttoned them. There were altogether seven. Seven buttons. As soon as he was done unbuttoning the last one, I looked up. Van was staring at my bra. It's was nothing fancy. Just a plain, black, t-shirt bra. God, why did I choose the most unflattering bra, anyway? I was glad that it matches my underwear though. Van let the shirt fall off my shoulders. I tried to act normal but Van started to kiss my neck, and then my shoulder. It was making me shiver. Exhaling, I told myself - relax, relax, relax!
I snapped myself out of it right away and pulled his shirt over his head. My hands were still shaking but I managed to let his shirt fall on top of my shirt on the floor. We were both topless. Well, maybe not entirely. I still had my bra on, and Van realized that. His fingers brushed underneath the strap and gingerly moved towards my back so they could get to the hooks. And just like that, my bra fell on top of the pile on the floor. That boy. He was definitely good with his hands.
Van stopped moving. He was starring, making me uncomfortable. I started to think that maybe he was disappointed with what he saw. I was not the sexiest. I twisted my arms together in front of my chest, without giving them permission to do so. My body was behaving like a teenager that I felt stupid. Van was making me feel like as though it was my first time.
"Sorry," he said, snapping out of it. "You, uhm, you- you're beau-," he stopped talking because I was kissing him. I had to stop him from talking because I didn't want him to say things they were not true. Van took it as a sign of eagerness rather than insecurities. He ran his hand along my neck and then onto one of my breasts. It just stayed there for a moment before he moved to unbutton my jeans. A second later, he was unzipping them. Perhaps my heart had stopped for a few minutes because all of the sudden, my jeans were down over my butt, my thighs. I kicked the heels of my sneakers off with my toes. I looked down. Van looked down too. At my socks. Those stupid dark blue socks were still on my feet. Great. There I was, standing awkwardly in front of that beautiful man. In my underwear and those stupid socks. I tried to free my legs from my jeans which was stuck at my ankle, but my leg got caught as I lifted it up, causing me to lose my balance. Van tried to get a hold of me but I ended up crashing on top of him, sending us both down to the floor.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I wished the floor would just swallow me right down to the pit of the earth. It was just far too embarrassing.
"Are you okay?" Van managed to ask, despite being pinned down still. I quickly brought myself away from his body and sat on the couch.
"I'm sorry. This is-uhm-not going well, huh?" I asked, placing my face into both of my palms. I wanted to die.
"No. It's going fine," Van laughed. "Come on, Vienna, baby, what's wrong?" He asked, still chuckling while pulling me into a hug.
"This is not sexy at all," I snorted. We both then bursted into laughters. "I'm sorry!"
"On the contrary, I think this is the sexiest thing ever. You and me, sneaking at the back of our tour bus, getting naked and all that," he paused, like suddenly remembering that I was just in my underwear. And stupid socks. He tried not to stare, but he was staring again. "Uhm... should we-uhm-"
"Start over?" I cut him off.
"Yeah," he nodded. "Start over."
"Okay," I animatedly said.
Van started to unzip his jeans. Pulling his boots and socks together with it. It just amazed me how fast this boy could undress. So, there he was, standing in front of me in his boxers. While I sat on the couch in my undies. I quickly took of my stupid socks to make things even.
Van then slowly straddled on top of me. Making me nervous again. He started to kiss me again. Slowly and tenderly, as out breaths started to thicken. It felt so sweet. So nice. He was concentrating hard to do it nicely. He touched me carefully like I was the most fragile thing that needed to be handled with care.
His hand reached for something at the back of the couch. I only realized what it was when he ripped it open. This is happening, I thought to myself. My heart raced incredibly fast. My chest tightens. My skin burned.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly. I nodded. Of course I was okay. He was kissing me softly, stroking my hair and skin so gently that it felt foreign to me. My skin used to be all bruised up, and I was so used to be thrown around the concrete wall, being treated like I didn't matter that the way Van was handling me felt so strange. He was touching me like he was afraid to hurt me. I wanted to cry. Not because I was sad. But because I was finally feeling happy. And loved. I've never felt so overwhelmed with these kinds of emotions before. He was making me feel like he loved every inch of my skin, where every single cell in my body mattered to him. Like I mattered to him. He was making my mind stop in a way I never thought was possible. He was making me fall more and more in love with him.
I love you, Van McCann.