Alexa
I felt it all at once. All the sadness and grief and confusion. It all came rushing to me the second I woke up, tears rolling down my cheeks as my heart began to beat faster and faster and faster. Today was November fourth.
Cam's birthday.
It was her eighteenth birthday and she wasn't even here to celebrate it. She wasn't here to jolt awake as I burst into her bedroom too early in the morning wishing her a happy birthday. She wasn't here for me to see her face light up with happiness as she opened the gift I would have spent hours at the mall looking for just to make sure it was perfect.
She wasn't here and realizing that as I did every morning, hurt. It hurt like hell.
"Alexa? It's time to get up or you'll be late for school." I start to wipe the tears rolling down my cheeks at the sound of my mothers' voice on the other side of the door. The last thing I need is for her to come in and see me crying.
"Alexa?" She knocks on the door as she calls my name again. I want to tell her that I'm not feeling well. That I can't go to school today. Then I think of Cam again. I think about how if she were here she would tell me that locking myself in my room and crying all day wasn't going to get me anywhere. That doing whatever this was, wasn't going to bring her back. She's gone. She's really gone.
I could feel my eyes start to water all over again at the realization.
"Alexa, are you up?" My doorknob starts to jiggle and I try to sound like I wasn't about to cry as I said, "I'll be down in a few minutes." And when I could hear the sound of my mom's retreating footsteps is when I slowly get out of bed.
I was going to try to make this day special for Cam.
I manage to put together a decent outfit and throw my hair up into a ponytail as I grab my bag, deciding that it wasn't worth the effort of putting layers of concealer on my face.
"Morning, honey." My mom chirps as she pours some coffee into my dad's cup. I nod at them both as I grab an apple and make my way out the door, looking at the time and noticing that if I didn't leave now I would surely be late to school.
"Happy birthday, Cam." I whisper before pulling out of my driveway, trying to swallow the lumps in my throat.
Upon arrival I head straight to my locker, keeping my head down as I try to ignore the stares of the people most likely wondering what I have become. What I allowed myself to become. I grab my books and take a deep breath before closing my locker, glancing at Cam's locker which was just down the hall. My blood ran cold at the sight of the decorative banner hung above her locker.
Happy Birthday, Cameron! R.I.P.
I could feel my face begin to heat up in anger as I stare at Paige and watch as she pretends to wipe a tear from her eye as someone hands her a tissue.
My self-control deceives me and before I know it I'm marching towards her and angrily tearing down the banner, earning shocked gasps as people begin to form a crowd.
"Alexa! What are you-" Paige's shrilling voice shrieks.
"Save it, Paige." I cut her off, striking my hand against her cheek as adrenaline courses through me. "Who are you trying to fool, Paige?" She scowls at me before speaking.
"I'm just trying to show some appreciation for our beloved friend." She holds her now red cheek as she glares daggers at me.
"Beloved friend?" I scoff. "She wasn't your beloved friend when you told spread rumors about her to the entire school," I scream, causing Paige to flinch.
"She wasn't your beloved friend when you were beating her down with your comments telling her how no guy would ever like her because you were just jealous she had the one guy you could never have," I could feel my voice start to wobble as I glare at her and she starts looking around at the crowd that's gathered, her face tinged with embarrassment.
"And she definitely wasn't your beloved friend when she killed herself and you didn't even care enough to attend her damn funeral!" By now I was yelling loud enough for even the people at the end of the hallway to hear.
"You have the audacity to call yourself her friend when you could be the very reason she did what she did," I say at a much lower volume before throwing the crumpled banner in my hands onto the floor.
I pay no mind to everyone's eyes on me as I run into the closest bathroom, entering the last stall. I slide against the wall and burst into tears.
I'm so sorry, Cam. I begin to sob uncontrollably and it feels like the weight of the world is crashing down onto my chest. I need to get out of here. Had to get out of here.
I pick up my bag and rush out of the stall, feeling the sudden urge to be anywhere but here. Putting my hand over my mouth to quiet my sobs, I rush through the hallways and out through the front doors of the school.
"Alexa?" Someone calls my name and I ignore them as I keep walking.
"Alexa, wait." They grab my hand and I turn around, not bothering to hide my tears. "What do you want, Blake?" I spit out, yanking my hand away. Why is it that he's always the one to find me when I'm at my worst?
"What's wrong? Do you need me to get Ali and Mads?" He asks frantically, concern filling his eyes which were more green than blue today and for some reason I just wanted him to comfort me, to let me know that everything was going to be okay.
But nothing would ever be okay anymore. Not when Cam's gone leaving me to slowly pick up the shattering pieces of my life. So instead of lowering my walls and letting someone in, I put them back up higher than they were before.
"Just leave me alone."
I turn on the heels of my feet and leave Blake there, probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Does he even know about Cam and what happened to her? Did he even see everything that happened in that hallway moments ago?
My hands are shaky as I make way down road after road, not really sure where I'm going. It was like having no control of my body. But I couldn't bring myself to care where I was going as the tears continued to stream down my face like a dam that's lost all stability.
And then there it was.
The large, engraved headstone that stood above my best friend who was buried six feet under. I haven't been here since her funeral and that was mostly because I couldn't bring myself to.
I stood there alone and broken. Broken because of the girl who chose to leave too soon. Broken because of the girl who was supposed to someday be my maid of honor. Broken because of the girl who was supposed to stick around forever.
I knelt down, instantly overwhelmed by the proximity between me and her grave. I couldn't handle being here. I couldn't handle being in the spot where my best friend was now lying dead and decaying. I would never recover from this, but there was one thing that might ease the aching pain in my chest and that was to say the words I never got the chance to.
"Hey, Cam." I speak as if she were sitting right next to me and maybe she was. Silently watching me as I slowly shattered right in front of her grave. "First of all, happy birthday," I continue, my voice wavering. "I miss you," I choke as my vision began to blur with more tears.
I manage to compose myself and continue to speak.
"Things aren't the same without you," I say. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't notice you needed help. I'm sorry that I couldn't stop you the day you died." I couldn't hold it all in any longer. It felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest.
"Please come back. I can't live like this."
After a few minutes of just sitting there and crying, I look around noticing that the sky was starting to become gray and cloudy with the promise of rain. I wipe my swollen eyes, standing up from my spot on the ground. I gaze at the bouquet of roses that someone must have put there recently. Roses were always her favorite.
I run my fingers gently over her headstone and whisper my final words.
"Happy Birthday, Cam. I love you."