Songs:
Lightweight by Demi Lovato
Kiss Me by The Fray
Flightless Bird American Mouth by Iron and Wine
Explosions by Ellie Gouldin
*
I tried my best to spend the day normally. It was fucking hard let me tell in the first place. Harry’s words and look were playing on my mind all day. After my confession, which took me a lot of effort and courage to, he just rejected me. Worst he hurt me in all ways possible, in ways I thought Harry would never reach, just by the way he looked at me and his choice of words. I know I deserved it but it doesn’t stop hurting though.
And a normal day would be spent with Harry in the dorm, eating lunch with my two best mates, listening to Niall’s loud laughs, with me actually paying attention to classes, with my way to the library with Harry to read, my long talks with Harry at the end of the day, cuddling with him… I didn’t have anything of that today and it didn’t make me feel any better, even with my own willingness to get better.
I don’t know if I feel worst now or before my talk with Harry. Both were awfully indescribable but this time I feel emptier as if I knew something that I had lost was impossible to recover. It really sucks to know that someone who always took care of you, someone who loved you, who you knew that were there for you, leaves and will never come back. You are always rewinding those good times you had with that person, your memories start to absorb you and you’re stuck living them instead of the present. By living I say depressing because I’m not alive and I know I’m a drama queen who always overreacts but when it touches this kind of subjects – involving people – I am very honest with my own feelings and always try not to make things worse because I know it’d be worst for me. So the fact that I am this upset with this Harry’s situation just proves that I love that guy more than I imagined.
It was your fault Louis live with it now! My subcontinent reminds me. He’s not my friend, not because he tells me these kind of things, things that I know myself and that even my own friends tell me. He’s not my friend because he literally tortures me and makes little problems into big ones, tells me how a piece of shit I am.
I am alone now. I don’t know for how long I will be, I know things will get better, even if it’s not the better I want, but I just don’t like the way I am feeling now, it’s not right, it kills me. I think I had my moments of happiness and now I have to feel this way because it was too much.
See this is my problem; I just spent fifteen minutes looking at this fucking tedious blank wall from this fucking quiet dorm instead of reading my book. However I’ve been in this page for half an hour so it doesn’t make any difference. Well it’s better like this; I don’t know why I am reading for the second time the fault in our stars. Maybe I want to slip some different tears, from a different reason or maybe it’s because it was Harry’s gift… I don’t know which one is more pathetic.
Maybe I should go to sleep. It’s only 8pm but my sleep is all switched so maybe I manage to close my eyes and actually feel comfortable if I wrap myself in some blankets. I’d probably die by how hot I’d feel so maybe I’m really going to do that. Jesus Louis!
Maybe I should go eat something instead since I’m a bit hungry. But that means I’ll have to leave the dorm and go alone to a restaurant. Or maybe I could go to the canteen… the food sucks but at least I’d eat something.
If Harry was here he wouldn’t allow me to do this, not eating and resting well. I miss the times when he’d go at the end of the street only to buy me McDonald’s because he knew I couldn’t manage to eat anything at lunch or even snack because I stayed studying. He was so kind and caring.
I miss him so much. I miss the way his lips touched on mines, I miss his gentle but unnecessary touches, I miss the way he looked at me while talked, a small dimple would appear and his green eyes would always shine. I miss those looks yeah. The ones – that even if I’d tell him I found it creepy I’d find them cute – when he’d just stop looking at me when I looked back at him so he could say hi to me, I even miss the ones I never had the opportunity to realise he was looking at me. I miss the way he traced the lines from my hands just to feel close to me, the way he always pulled me to the other side of the sidewalk, far from the street; I’d feel like a child but I knew, just by this simple and stupid gesture, that he’d be always there to protect me. I miss the time when he’d try his best to get my attention, throwing me a pillow, sending me a message, even screaming. I miss the way he’d make me shiver giving me kisses on my neck, the way he moaned my name, how he sounded when he was close. I miss the times I’d fall asleep with his presence, hearing his breathe and feeling the warmth of his body and the gentles touches on my bare skin. I miss the stupidest and most important things in our relationship and I wished I wouldn’t.
I’m forced to stand up from bed when I hear a knock at the door. Well I’m not forced, I would rather prefer not going to open it since the last time I did it I was punched in the face but at least I can stretch myself.
The person behind the door, even with me being slowly, doesn’t insists on knocking one more time, staying with the quite calm first knock. I open the door and open my eyes widely, feeling my heart aching, jumping and beating fast on my chest.
“I bought McDonald's!” Harry says raising the big paper bag he has in hands. How ironic?
He doesn’t smile and I can see that he’s unsure of his words and even with his appearance yet I open the door further to let him in, not saying a word, scared that if I do it I’ll wake myself up with my own voice because this seems to be a dream. He walks in and I shut the door behind us. He takes his seat at the chair in front of the desk while I bring the one next to my bed, next to him.
For the first time since these past weeks, I don’t feel the urge to think. My head is not torturing me, I’m not having unnecessary thoughts, I literally don’t think about anything. Harry is here. I don’t know what does this mean, but he’s here. To be honest, after what happened yesterday I wasn’t expecting anything. I was trying to to make myself believe that this was over and I needed to give up as well. I probably didn’t show much but since this thing between Harry and I started, I was doing my best to last, last more than it lasted. I was doing my best to keep this, to be with him, not to fight and not to let him go away. I was just afraid of a label maybe, but I wasn’t afraid of having him with me and it’s sad that it needed to happen a shit like this for me to realise that I want him this way with me whatever it costs, no matter what my fears are.
He hands me my hamburger and drink and we start eating in silence. It’s probably the first time I feel like our silence is awkward and uncomfortable. I wanted to listen to his soft, tender and kind voice, I wanted to hear his laugh and see his dimples, I wanted him to be able to look at me, instead he’s just focused in his food. Unlike me, I find hard taking my eyes off of him. I missed admiring his lashes touching his cheekbones while blinking, being this close to be possible to smell his perfume and counting his few curls.
He’s probably deep in his thoughts so I feel; that till last month I haven’t felt; the necessary to know what’s been on his mind. Since we got that close he always shared it, I always found easy to know what he was thinking and now I have no idea, it’s like he rebuilt the big wall that doesn’t allow me to do it. However he’d only know what was in my mind if he asked me, so it was normal to hear from him how are you? and how was your day? and even what are you thinking about? I normally would find it annoyed but now I see how good it made me feel and how much I need it.
This entire situation is bizarre and I don’t understand what we are doing. He came here after what happened, we don’t say a word to each other and we’re having dinner together. At least he could say something before walking in, he’s not explaining this and I don’t know what to say or do.
When I'm finished eating half of my burger I put it on the box above the desk and clean myself with a napkin. Harry, finally looks up at me and then at it at time. “Not hungry.” I answer his possible thought and realise that is the first time I am talking since he stepped in to the door. I was hungry but all of this made me lose my appetite
“Yes you are, eat it.” I wished for that, I had it. I finally hear his normal voice, his concerned tone. He almost sounds like a father talking to his kid and I hated when he’d do it but now is welcome. “I know you haven’t been eating well.” He says giving a big bite on his burger
“Oh.” Is the only thing I manage to say. Like always, I don’t think about doing what he tries me to do, but after the warning look he gives me I’m forced to make what he said so, still in silence
Eventually, I finish my meal after Harry since he eats too fast and me too slowly. He cleans what is possible to and puts the bag, with the trash inside, on our paper basket. When he sits in his bed I keep myself leaned against the wall in front of the bed. Even being three steps away from him I feel much far away. I don’t know what to do now nor what to say because this is becoming even more awkward. He’s supporting and hiding his face on his hand to his head.
“C’mon say it! Say what’s bothering you, what’s on your mind.” I hear my own voice “yell at me all the shit you want to, I always found easy to do it with you, why are you struggling to do it with me?” I say severely, but my tone is not directed to Harry, is to me as if I am fighting with myself. Everyone seems to do it lately with me as if they’ve the right to so why not making it to myself then?
He raises his head and the look he gives me, makes me relax my shoulders and softens my expression “Because that’s not me, and that’s not why I came here for.” He admits. “I just feel so…” he sighs and sinks his fingers on his hair “I’m sorry Louis…” is he apologising? No, he can’t
“Don’t Harry, shit you don’t have to do that, it’s me who-“
“Shut up,” he says somehow amused “If I want to apologise, I will. I will because the way I told you to go away after what you… what you said, wasn’t right.”
“I deserved it, you were right, I’m the asshole here” I rest my hands on the wall behind my back. Okay we’re talking…
“Louis, it’s not that…” he looks at me as if he is trying to make me understand what he’s trying to say but I don’t know how this will end “Forget everything I told you yesterday please.” This time is my turn to look at the side. I’m trying to do that since the first words came out from his mouth. “Fuck this is so hard you know?” yeah I know “I was so… so shocked and still mad and sad. That wasn’t me, you know I’d never treat you that way…”
“I know, but I deserved and-“
“Fuck no Louis. You don’t, even after you did okay?” it’s weird to hear this from him, it’s hard to understand. “What you told me… I understood… I-I felt– “ he groans in frustration and I know if he wasn’t sat on the bed he’d be walking in circles around the room “I don’t even know what to say,” he laughs a little and I give with myself smiling due it “I didn’t come here for this…”
“So why did you come here, then?” I ask the question I am making myself since I saw him.
I notice that he hasn’t been looking directed at me, but yes at the wall behind my shoulders and now he looks at the side, so I can’t see his face expression anymore “I suppose I was just worried… and wanted to see if you were okay.” He confesses and I feel my heart pouting on my chest by how these words make me feel. “So…” he looks again at me and concern is written upon his eyes “Are you okay?” his tone is kind of amused despite of him being serious
“No.” I tell the truth because lying about this at Harry is useless at the moment. “Are you?”
“Not really.” The Harry in front of me is not the one from yesterday and I find myself feeling better about it “But… I want to be and I want you to be as well” this makes me melt. The way he looks at me, the way he says it sweetly, kindly and still hoarsely.
“How do you” I start while he stands up from the bed “expect to…” I continue but am forced to stop when he keeps coming closer and then grabs my face in his both hands. He leans over and kisses me; it’s slow, passionate but quick.
He pulls away with a smile, rests his forehead on mine and caresses my cheekbone with his thumb “I couldn’t give up… I really do want you after all” I feel my heart beating fast because that was all I wanted to hear even if I didn’t think about it. “I was so scared to lose you…”
“Oh babe, I’m here now!” When he slides his hand down, to rest on my shoulder, is my turn to caress his hair with a warm smile
“Oh Louis…” his voice cracks and I feel his arms wrapping around my torso, pushing me against his chest while sinks his head on the curve of my neck. I instantly hug him back finally having him close to me like I wanted. The hug is longer than the kiss but I don’t mind. I feel like crying but this time, the tears would be from pure joy and happiness. Are things really getting better after all? “I missed you…” he whispers and it makes me hugging him tighter
“I missed you too, Harry!” I say obviously meaning it. He pulls back with his beautiful grin which always makes me happy to answer the same way.
“Just don’t… don’t hurt me again” his tone even being tender, is a bit sad and serious, making my heart aching
“I won’t,” I put my hand on the back of his neck to put our faces closer again “I won’t, promise.” I remind myself about the broken promise I made with him about Bryan. Fuck, just knowing that it was because of that, that our discussion started makes me sick. But I don’t really want to break this promise, I didn’t even want to break the other and I regret deeply. “I promise I won’t.” I find the necessity to repeat.
I want him to fill this emptiness I am feeling, I want to make this lack disappear. I need him, I always had him by my side so I never had the opportunity to feel how I truly feel about him and now I see how hard it is to be apart from him. He’s just everything I need and want and I can’t believe Harry is the one I was looking for, without even looking for. Because he’s completely the opposite from the person I imagined myself with, he’s a surprise.
“Stay with me.” He says then and I need to pull back to look carefully at him, not sure about what he means from those words “I need you, I want you.” his words always make me feel special, weird; but in a good way; needed and it’s wonderful.
I look at him with a dorky smile in my face, tracing the lines from his features, pulling away a lock of hair in front of his forehead, passing my thumb across his lips just to lean over and kiss his lips, making him pressing me harder against the wall and placing his right leg between mines. I want to remember his taste again, I want to keep him for me and I want to share everything with him. I want this as much as he wants and it’s just great.
This kiss is longer but still slowly and I just really need to feel his soft and plump lips on mines. I pull his bottom lip between my teeth and when I go to kiss him again he opens his mouth, allowing our tongues to move together gently. I place soft kisses in his jaw and go down along his neck. I suck the skin from his sweet spot and he whimpers, making me kiss and then caress the red mark I made. It’s probably the first time I am being this dominant and him this submissive but I love it.
“Lou…” he gasps, grabbing a fist of the fabric from my shirt on my back, when I press my leg against his groin and I smirk with our lips brushed. I feel his hands going down and then he places them under my bum to lift me up. I instantly tangle my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He walks backwards and we keep kissing each other and I like how slowly we are moving and how this is happening.
It only takes him three steps to feel the bed in his legs so he sits down and I’m sat on his lap, with my legs parted next to his thighs. Before joining our lips once more he takes off his shirt so I’m faced with his inked and tanned skin. My eyes don’t leave him so I need a moment to admire his body and see how beautiful this boy underneath me is.
I feel his fingers on my chin moments later and he makes me look at his smiley face. “I’m yours.” He says and holy shit, I don’t know if he feels the same towards me but this guy drives me crazy. He makes my whole body shiver, he makes my heart beating fast, he makes me butterflies, he makes me happy, makes me feel special, wanted and respected. He’s someone I want to keep and I have been just dumb for not realising it and keeping fighting in accepting this thought and feeling of mine.
I smile first at him before taking off my shirt as well, throwing it at the corner and put my arms around him to keep with the kiss. It doesn’t last much longer till he’s trying to unbutton my jeans and making his best to take them off while I do the same at him. Of course we do it giggling at each other by how clumsily we’re being but I think that is as important as kissing.
I keep on his lap, in the same position when we’re already naked. It seems awkward now that we just stopped to look at each other in the eyes but, in fact, is so sweet and makes me feel closer to him, because this isn’t just about sex, is MNM about love… making it and doing this makes me trust him and I know he feels the same.
I take my hands to his hair, caressing and feeling the softness of it on my fingers. Harry leans over now and places a kiss on my shoulder and another, and another and I’m just amazed by how well, careful and kind this boy is to me.
He brushes his nose on the start of the curve of my neck and I draw invisible circles on his back. “You’re so beautiful Harry” I say and I know he’s smiling right now
He shows me his face and I give him another smile, because I actually don’t get tired of it, and give him repeatedly kisses on his lips making him grinning. I want to make this right so I keep kissing him slowly and then I even move my hips slowly, making our boners brushing in each other. Harry lets small, quiet and beautiful moans leaving his lips.
I really need him, not only because I’m really hard but also because I want to be close to him, I want to feel him, I want to feel even more loved because Harry is so good in this and making love… shit making love is so good and we feel so alive. So I let my hand go down and grab his length with mine between our bellies, giving slowly and teasing strokes and watching Harry’s head going backwards from the pleasure.
I hold myself with my arm around his neck and my knees on the mattress to lift my waist, with my other hand I keep grabbing his member and place the head on my hole, letting out a groan from the touch. Harry places his both hands on my waist, stopping me to move down and I look at him weirdly “We need a condom and you’re going to hurt yourself this way”
“I want to feel you” I whisper in his ear “and it’s fine Harry…” I tell him. I know it’ll hurt a bit more, we didn’t even prepare and in this position he’s going much deeper but I don’t care. I’m so desperate for him that is worth it.
“I don’t want to hurt you Lou”
“You won’t.” I give him a smile of assurance “Just please… I need you.”
“You’ll ride me?!”
“If that’s okay…” I kiss his earlobe and he moans a bit. I take the opportunity to move down on his lap, feeling his length filling me bit by bit and slowly. I whimper and even feel tears on my eyes from the pain, but it still is a tolerable pain and in a way, it feels good.
Harry puts his hand on my face and puts our heads closer “You okay?” I nod because now I couldn’t be feeling better “Go slowly, baby.” His tone is soft and he speaks slowly and lowly. I carefully move further down holding myself on his shoulders while he gives me soft kisses all over my face. “Lou…” he passes his thumb under my eyes cleaning the tears when I finally have his whole length inside me. I don’t move now and keep my arms around his neck adjusting myself at the feeling of him, with my legs parted next his thighs. Feeling him holding me and keeping myself warm with the touch of our naked bodies is just the best feeling in this whole world
“Lou, I love you!” he whispers but it’s the enough to be heard in our little world that we usually build together “You love me too, right?” he asks, making me look at him, probably to see my reaction, my expression, to make me see that he’s being completely honest with his words and showing me his feelings.
I nod; damn I can’t love this guy more than I love now “I-I love you” I sob and he gives me a smile, kissing my forehead.
I make him look directly at me so I can join our lips, the ones I already missed the touch. He moves down to places kisses along my neck, licking, kissing, sucking the skin, because he knows how I love when he does it and how it turns me on.
I finally decide to make weight on his shoulders to move myself up and down and decide to make it slowly. Our first time was too rough, fast and wild and I need this time to be slow but at the point to enjoy it truly, to know each other bodies better and feel as close as possible. Harry lets out small gasps with his eyes closed when I move. I keep with my movements with the purpose to stop the pain. “Fuck baby, you feel so tight…” he moans and I like to know that I’m having this effect on him. “so fucking tight, so fucking good… keep going!” he presses his fingers on my waist, helping me to move. I lean over to place a kiss on his collarbone, then biting and sucking his skin.
He sounds beautiful and I really just want to make him feel good. While I move up and down, Harry takes my length in his hands, giving clumsily and slow strokes. Massaging the head and grabbing the length tightly “Harry... S-So good” I moan because I can’t even feel the pain I was feeling seconds ago, it starts to feel better and better each time I feel him in and out. My legs are shaking and if it wasn’t him helping me by my waist I wouldn’t have strength enough to hold myself.
I make him stop touching me and work with my hips. When go down, I push him deeply, till I can feel him touching my prostate. I move in circles and I see him biting his bottom lip from the pleasure and even to contain his moans, because he knows that everyone can hear us from the hallway outside. “Fuck, I love you so much L-Lou… keep going, f-faster” he breathes out letting his head go backwards. I moan with the vision and the whole pleasure that is filling my body.
I just go a bit faster, but it’s still slow so I can go really go deep down and fully out. “You feel so good…” I moan and I keep watching him biting down his own loud moans, pressing his fingers on my skin and kissing me hard. I smirk before my previous moves. I slide down my hand from his body and make my best to reach, from my back, taking advantages of his semi-parted legs, to put one finger inside of him. I move in and out and with the help of my palm I can also massage his balls “C’mon Harry…” I talk close to his ear “I wanna hear you… I wanna know how good you feel”
"Fucking hell Louis! " He moans my name and I smirk once again "This feels so good!" I hum in response and moan along him. I know he’s close and fuck, so do I. This feels so good, how close we are, how our bodies move and fit perfectly makes me crazy. It just feels right, everything feels right and I want this to last forever. “I-I’m close! L-Lou please...”
“Cum for me baby” I take my finger off of him and try to move a little faster this time, with my fingers pressed in his shoulders to release the my pressure. When he shuts his eyes tightly, his body shivers and his fingers sink deeper on my skin, he parts his lips, cuming inside of me, sighing my name.
“Oh god!” he breathes out and falls down with his back against the mattress so I’m almost forced to let my body fall down as well, being laid down on top of him.
The vision he gives me; his lips still parted, his curls in front of his forehead, his tanned sweaty body, his chest going up and down quickly, the touch of his hands along my body and the feeling of him cuming inside of me, makes me reach my limit, however when I’m about to finish myself, Harry notices it and stops me. In a blink of an eye, is my turn to be against the mattress. He parts my legs and puts himself between them “Try to remember the last time I was between your legs like this baby!” he says seductively and licks the head to tease me.
“Holy shit Harry.” I groan not only by his mouth but also with the memory. I was drunk but I remember when Harry was like this after the Halloween’s party. He puts my whole length in his mouth, licking, sucking and making movements up and down with his head, putting two fingers inside me. I grab a fist of his sweaty curls in my hand, pulling his hair out “Fuck, I won’t last H-Harry…” I say and he just speeds his movements.
I finally cum in his mouth moaning his name, my whole veins full with pleasure, shutting my eyes by how weak my body feels and breathing out heavily. Harry swallows and then I feel his body on top of mine and his hot breathe on my neck. He presses a soft kiss and hums snuggling on my body “This was incredible…” he whispers and I find strength to raise my arm, caressing his hair and he knows I’m agreeing with him. “I feel so good.”
“We’re stinky!” I laugh a little and my voice comes out rough
“Don’t expect me to get up to clean ourselves.” I groan in protest and he bites the bare skin from my shoulder.
We take some time to recover our normal breathing till “I love you, okay?” I give with myself smiling with the words coming out from my mouth. It doesn’t feel wrong at all
“Okay.” he agrees and looks at me with a grin “Because I love you too.” I smile back caressing his cheeks and he leans his head to my touch, closing his eyes.
“Good because you’re my boyfriend now.” He opens his eyes widely right away. I wished I had a camera to capture his face expression from pure happiness
“I am?” he smiles widely
“You are a jerk” I laugh by his reaction
“Finally!” he takes his hand up in the air triumphantly and I laugh due his figure “I’m glad I didn’t give up on you.” He lays his head on my chest and tangles our fingers together
“I’m glad you didn’t too” I whisper
*
[an:/] hey guys! i managed to update sooner than i expected (even if i tried to post this yesterday but oh well). So first I hope this was okay and like you all expected, also the smut i hope it's fine idk , too much ? I just wanted to make a different thing, hope it was okay! So here's the thing, this chapter is supposed to be the LAST ONE before the epilogue; omg i know! But.... i'll think if i'll make another one , so take it as a surprise !
That's all basically, love you all and please vote and comment, it's important for me <3