Songs:
Come Home - One Republic
No Angel - Birdy
*
Maybe I should go to classes today, it’s Friday so I only have two. If I get up from bed now I still get on time. I can’t be fucking this up too, I came here to finish college and not to skip classes. I was always so careful and now I can’t even recognise myself. I tried to study the material that I didn’t get the chance to learn but I couldn’t think and memorise it. I also have practise but I can skip again. Fuck, I’ll probably be knocked out the team because I don’t show up there in two weeks.
I’m so fucked up. Well at least I still have strength – it’s not even strength anymore, is getting ride off the laziness – to stand up from bed. I’m so slow to take off my pyjama to dress the other clothes that I’m amazed that I can reach classes on time. Somehow I ended up with one of his shirts and I think it’s already the habit.
The professor didn’t even notice my presence in the class, I think he didn’t even realise that I’ve been skipping them… I don’t even think he has the knowledge of my existence, the class is so big and most of the students don’t even talk with the teachers in the whole year. Anyway.
It was all useless. I can’t concentrate enough in the classes, sure it was better coming here than staying the whole day in that dorm but I’m tired, there is too much people here and too much light.
I decide to have a late lunch on the canteen. The food today tastes particularly awful, but I haven’t been eating much, due the work I’d have to walk from bed to here, so is better than nothing.
When I raise my head I face two familiar faces. Fuck. “Louis?” Liam seems shocked, probably for seeing me, probably for my appearance which is most likely to be horrible or probably for seeing me eating. He takes the seat by my side and Zayn the one in front of me so I try to avoid looking directly at him. “Jesus Louis, what’s up with you?” his voice sounds worried, the same from three days ago when he knocked at my door but I didn’t answer
“You look awful!” This time I hear Zayn, he doesn’t look as concerned as Liam, or is it just me who thinks that
“Oh, thanks mate!” I speak and god even my voice sounds terrible. This must be too much but the truth is I don’t speak for two days, I only hear how my voice sounds in my head.
“Lou, you’ve to talk to us. What happened?” Liam rests his hand on my shoulder and I finally look at him
“I don’t want to.” I simply answer
“Fuck no way, we finally got the opportunity to see and talk to you so you’re going to speak now.” His tone is louder and I frown pulling away his touch
“No Liam.” talking seems to take from myself so much effort.
“Have you been eating? Lou you look pale, I’m worried. We’re worried so talk to us. You can’t keep shutting yourself in that room.” I notice that he’s choosing really carefully the words he should say and also that he wants to say something else but can’t. “Louis!” He says when I keep in silence
“Please don’t make me.” I whisper and look away from him. Zayn keeps shut. In this situation Zayn is weird, we never know if he’s really worried with someone, what he’s thinking, anything
“It’s been two weeks Louis!”
“Fuck, shut up Liam! I don’t want to talk, don’t-“
“No you shut up Louis!” Zayn interrupts me and I look quickly at him. He looks angry, like really angry. His jaw is clenched and his expression makes me shiver. “We’ve been worried and you don’t even give a shit and now you dare to speak with Liam like that? You know why you’re feeling this way? Because you were always fucking blind and an asshole with Harry, that’s why! Make something and stop acting like a dickhead and pity yourself!” I look widely at him and I even feel like Liam looks the same way at him.
I put my both hands on the table and stand up. I don’t need to stay here and hear this from him so I grab my bag and quickly walk away from there. I hear Liam calling from me and I think he even tries to follow me but Zayn stops him.
Zayn just made me feel worst. He doesn’t need to remind me that this is all my fault, I’ve been fighting with that fact this past weeks, why reminding me? I know I’m stupid and, fuck, I feel like punching a wall right now. I’m so angry, sad and mad that I don’t even know how to handle this, how to keep supporting this. I just want this to end because is starting to make me sick. It’s too much really.
So this time I reach the dorm and the anger and tiredness take care over me, helping me to actually fall asleep just to wake up at 5am. I think I might have dreamt about something good, but I can’t remember the dream.
~*~
The good of these two weeks was that they passed quickly and I don’t even know how since I spent more than half of the time in the dorm doing nothing. It’s Monday now and I’m laid down on his bed – of fucking course – playing with the necklace I gave him. But I’m actually smiling, moving it on top of my face and looking carefully at the airplane.
-
“It’s like my tattoo, you see?” I roll up the sleeves and point at it so he takes his eyes from the necklace and looks at my arm. “You don’t like it? It’s too cheesy isn’t it? I knew it!” I beginning to panic “But Gemma said you liked these kind of things and I also knew you had some necklaces so I had this idea, but if you don’t like-“
“Lou!” he might have shouted my name, but I think I’m talking too loud and quickly to pay attention to him so easily. “Lou, calm down,” he chuckles and I take a deep breath. “Jeez, I loved it!” he smiles and his voice sounds happy “I really loved it, I mean it makes me feel… special!” he slowly leans over to me but I notice he’s hesitating because he moves from my lips to my cheek and places there a soft kiss. “From now on,” he puts the necklace around his neck “I’ll always be using it.” He grins. “Thank you so much!"
-
That’s why I am smiling. That night was so special for me, not because it was Christmas, nor my birthday but because I spent it with him and it was the best gift he could have given to me. We also kissed and it was so soft and passionate.
But then my smile drops. He said he would never take the necklace so why do I have it here in my hands? Right. It’s his way to say that he really gave up, his way to make me believe it. A part of me really wants him to forget about me, no better, that he have already forgot about me so he can be all right… but of course the other part wants him to keep fighting, wants him to knock at the door to solve things. He always tries to solve things why this time is being different? Why doesn’t he simply come here to talk, I’d listen to him and I’d want him back. I want him back.
My thoughts are interrupted by a strong knock at the door. I quickly stand up from the bed. I know it’s him, it only can be him… please “Louis open the god damn door!” It’s not him. It’s... Niall?
I frown “Niall?” I don’t think he hears me, I’m almost whispering. I also don’t want to open the door. He seems mad and I know he comes here to talk and that’s the last thing I want to. I don’t want to talk with anybody unless with him.
“I know you’re there, open it!” I never heard Niall talking like that, it’s not loud it’s just harsh. Harsher than the time we fought on the Halloween party. “We need to talk”
“No we don’t. Go away!” he even made me stand up from bed
“I’m not going away until you open this door. Enough Louis.” Enough, yeah it’s enough really but I just don’t know how to stop this. I know Niall made up with him. And I’m glad because I know Niall is there for him, he is probably staying at his dorm so the most probable is Niall coming here to shout at me and telling me things like Zayn. Or worst because Niall and I can be really good friends – or were I don’t know – but he when it touches this subject I think he might hates me. “Louis!” he knocks strongly at the door. Niall can be stubborn and I have this slightly idea that he’s really not going away until we talk. And the noise is really annoying me.
I walk there, still hesitantly, and open the door for him to face. Niall’s eyes are red and puffy, maybe he is tired too. No, he looks like he has been crying. What the hell? Although his expression towards me doesn’t show sadness. He’s furious and the look he gives me is as strong as Zayn gave me on Friday. He walks in, in a large step and I close the door “What do you-“ I start but I’m forced to shut up when Niall’s fist meets my face, hitting me hard.
I give a step back, hitting my back on the door and instantly take my hand to my cheek. The taste of blood fills my mouth and the pain brings shivers to my spine. I don’t even have time to protest – and of course I’m not going to hit him back – when I look at Niall. His expression is not angry anymore and when he starts speaking, he doesn’t shout nor sound harsh “Harry never did it then I did it for him.” Though his choice of words aren’t the friendliest I sure deserved this, I was asking for it, literally but wasn’t expecting Niall coming here and doing that now. “Now you’re gonna listen to me,”
“I don’t want to.” I say against my will and slide down the door to sit on the floor, putting my arms around my legs and burring my face on my knees. A flashback comes in my mind, because he was in this same position when
-
“Why? Why do you do this, fuck Harry ans-“
“Because I love you, Lou. I love you. I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. I guess maybe I’ve even loved you before I saw you.”
-
I’d give everything to hear that again. Maybe to go back in time and do everything differently.
“Look at me Louis” I hear Niall, right, I didn’t listen to what he said. I raise my head to look at him and clean the blood from my lips with the back of my hand “You’re going to take your ass off from the floor and you’re going to talk with Harry.” Hearing his name out this loud makes me feel weird “I don’t even care about your feelings towards him anymore but he deserves to hear an apology and something to make him feel better.” For my surprise he doesn’t shout
Ignoring his words I say “Yo-You solved your things with him?” I didn’t even got to know what happened between them and suddenly I find curiosity to find out
“Yes and you know the reason why we fought?” I shake my head still not daring to look at him “It was because of you,” what? “I knew this was going to happen and I warned him. He didn’t hear me Louis. He didn’t believe in anything I said and got mad because he trusted you. He trusted you not to hurt him.” Stop “He loved you so much. Fuck, he loves you so much that he can’t believe this. You fucking twat, he trusted you-“
“Stop!”
“and you broke that trust.” He ignores me “You always treated him so badly but he kept fighting, he never gave up and you do what you did?! Louis, do you understand what you did?” Yes, I hurt him. But I don’t answer “Right, save your voice to go talk to him. And I rather prefer you to go now”
“He has classes now.” I’m really trying to talk the less I can. I knew Niall would come here to remind me what I did
“What classes?” he laughs dryly “He doesn’t come out from my dorm. He reached his limit today Louis and I can’t stand seeing him like that.” He shakes his head and then offers me his hand to help me to stand up, I take some seconds to grab it and he stands me up so I can finally look at him properly “Christ Louis.” his expression and voice softens and his eyes study my face “You look as bad as him. What did you do to yourself?” he shakes his head and I understand his words. He understands “Please Louis go talk to him.” He pulls away and walks from the door without another gaze, I’m alone again.
I take my hands to my face, forgetting about Niall’s punch and not caring about the pain. What should I do? The words I told myself hoping that he’s okay were just lies to make me feel better. I thought if I didn’t go talk to him I wasn’t thinking about myself, because I want to do it. Doing it would be my way to feel better because I need to see him, I need to hear his voice and I want things to get back to normal.
Things won’t go back to normal. For much effort I put on it – that till now was none – things won’t be the same. That was one of my fears. But I made this, if it was him doing this shit we’d be all right by now, because he always tried, he always gave the first step and always put on the side my mistakes because his feelings made him blind. Well he wouldn’t do this on the first place so…
I’m not strong enough to be like him, but at least I can try for a moment. I can try to do what he’d do in this situation, giving the first step. So I give with myself walking through the hall from the dorms. Niall’s room is not that far from ours – it’s still ours even if I feel like is empty now – and I’m in front of the door more quickly than I imagined. The way didn’t even give me time to think of what I should say.
Fuck, I’m here. Now what? Right, now I need to knock. And when he opens the door what do I do? How is he going to react when he sees me? How am I going to react?
I find the courage, with my heart beating fast, to raise my hand to knock at the door when it’s open. The figure that stands in front of me is unfamiliar. The guy is tall, skinny but has a stiff expression. He frowns looking down at me and tilts his head “Yes?” his voice is coarse
“I-I wanna talk to, erm-“
“Oh,” he looks at me carefully and his look frightens me “you must be Louis.” please don’t hit me. “Okay.” He opens further the door and walks outside allowing me to walk in, but I wait. His look before going away is enough for me to get that as a warn.
I give with myself shaking when I walk in. I close the door and when look away from the floor I see someone sat on a bed, facing me his back. It’s him.
“H-Harry…” saying his name costs even more than hearing from someone else, than thinking about it. I’ve been avoiding it but that’s running away, that’s not trying. Although my effort was in vain because he doesn’t react to my voice, he doesn’t turn around, he doesn’t move, he doesn’t even flinch. I take a deep breath and take another step “Harry, can we talk?” I’m surprised with myself by how secure my voice sounds.
“No.” Shit. His voice sounds dead but hoarser than ever
What would he usually do when I answered him this after this question? Right, he insists “Well, I will talk.” But to be honest I don’t know what to say. He doesn’t answer anyway and keeps in the same position. I want to see his face. “Look at me Harry.” I’m calmer than I thought I’d be. I just need to say what comes in my mind first, I can’t think too much or I’ll show how fragile I am and I also need to apologise even if it doesn’t solve anything, he deserves it. “Please, look at me.” It just takes seconds for him to do what I ask for. I don’t wait much longer to look carefully at him. His beautiful face… I missed it, I think my lips make a small curve, a half smile for finally seeing him. But then, then his eyes look like Niall’s… he had been crying
“He reached his limit today Louis and I can’t stand seeing him like that”
The first thing that crosses my mind is walking towards him and wrap my arms around him, comfort him and saying that everything will be okay now. But I’m the reason for him to cry and I simply can’t stand this. But his expression comes from blank to shocked and his eyes look at me widely “What happened to you?” maybe is his instinct and otherwise me he does what it comes to his mind. So he’s quick to stand up from the bed and walk towards me. He raises his hand while saying “Who did this to-“ but he stops. Maybe he realises what is happening. His hand doesn’t reach my face, his gaze drops not giving me time enough to remind me his eye’s colour and he gives a step back. He was so close. I was almost feeling him next to me but he’s still so far away.
I gulp “Harry…”
“Go away.” His voice sounds dead again, but I can see him biting his bottom lip and I know, fuck, I know he’s holding his tears. “Just go away, L-Louis.” I feel like he had been avoiding my name as well
“I’m not going away until I say what I came here to.” I speak firmly. I’m not going to give up, even if he doesn’t look back at me, if he keeps a large distance between us and if he doesn’t answer me. “Harry… I’m-I’m so sorry!”
“It hit you later than I expected.” Now he’s harsh and maybe wry.
“I’m sorry…” I look down. It’s the only thing that I manage to say
“Yeah, I heard it the first time.” He’s hiding his emotions by the way he’s talking, I can tell it
“I know, I… I know“ I sigh.
“Right, is that all you have to say?” stop talking that way with me and be yourself. I want to tell him but it wouldn’t be fair
“No…” I’ve got a lot to say but I think I won’t be capable to do it. I won’t have the courage to, I will forget, I’ll stammer… yeah I know that “You deserve an explanation…”
“Oh! Yeah I deserve. But I know it.”
“You do?” I bow my brow
“Yes, you’re an asshole and that’s the only possible explanation.”
I froze. I know I am, everyone has been reminding me that but Harry… Harry might tell me I am an idiot but he never tells me that in a way to hurt me. This time he said it severely, it was Harry reminding me how a big asshole I am. I try to hide my surprise and hurt by saying “Fair enough.” But I keep my voice low, calm and somehow soft, afraid of what it can come from him
“I am an asshole too,” He laughs. Oh that laugh, is the same dry one I did to mock myself and remind me how pathetic I am. “I allowed you to hurt me so it’s my fault.”
“No! No it’s not your fault Harry.” It’s only mine
He smirks but it’s not his usual smirk “Yeah… it’s not” he sighs now “You’re the only asshole. I was just fool to trust you and to carry myself in this fucking lie”
“Harry…” my eyes are burning, I feel like crying. Now I see how he feels
“Yeah… Look, go away” and he’s about to cry too, he just doesn’t want me to see. I think this time would be the first time for him to wish for me to cry in front of him so he’d know I am sad too.
“No Harry I-“
“Go Louis, I don’t want to hear anything else from you. I’m tired.”
“But you need to know that-“
“I don’t want to.” He turns around “Clo-Close the door after you leave, please.” He sobs.
Fuck I can’t do this. He’s crying and it’s all my fault. He hardly ever cries, at least in front of me. I can’t speak, I’m a loser, a cower, I can’t give this step. I’m walking away, I’m giving up because I simply can’t do this to myself. And even to him. The way he looked at me… he didn’t want me here. He want me far from him. But I... I… “I left you so I couldn’t hurt you, but I ended up hurting you even more… and hurting myself too.” I stop and turn around to him again. I don’t know how I found the courage to speak but now I just need to go with the flow. He doesn’t look back at me but I don’t care
“And you know how? At night… I’ve always thought about you, so much… so much that I-I couldn’t sleep at all these days. Every second that I was away from you it got harder and harder to breathe. I felt–I feel half empty like a part of me is missing.” He still doesn’t say anything, he still keeps in the same position. It’s like I’m not here. But I take a deep breath and continue, still impressed with myself “Harry, I’m not whole without you, the sun doesn’t shine and the nights are long and cold. There’s a fire in your eyes that only burns for me, and without it I’d be lost in the dark. I need to see your beautiful smile, hear your voice, feel your skin against mine to become whole again because just like that all of the darkness will leave and I’ll feel myself never wanting to let you go. I feared all of that, that’s why I did what I did. But I just found myself wanting you to forgive me so I could be held gentle once more by you.” He gives me the silence as an answer that he gives me kills me. I can’t even believe how I managed to say all of this. I usually don’t show what I feel, I deserved an award for this. But it still misses something “Harry… Harry I fell in love with you.” I can’t deny this to myself and to him anymore. I love him. I just don’t know what to do.
With these words he finally turns around. Hope fills my chest when his surprised but still soft expression is showing. His eyes meet mines and with all of this I lost my strength to walk towards him. But then… then the small hope I had fades away when his, somehow, happy face drops. It turns out to be stiff and firm and the tears that fills his eyes are forgotten when he speaks coldly “Okay. If that’s all you have to say then go now.”
My heart drops, now I know a small piece of how he felt when it was me talking to him this way, rejecting him all the time, hurting him. I deserve this, however I am not as strong as he is, I can’t just forget this and act like nothing had happened like he did the past months. So I nod and leave, closing the door behind me, I can’t do anything else. I allow myself to cry when my back hits the door and I take my hands, hiding my face.
He really gave up on me.
*
[an:/] Well maybe now you guys can stop hating Louis!!
I'll be travelling till Thursday so i'm probably not going to be able to write so nor update. maybe i'll try to write on my phone, but as soon as i can I will update. Love you guys.xx