I felt worse than utter shit.
I rolled out of bed, every buzz of my alarm sounding like daggers in my brain. The bright light bleeding into the room from the window seemed like it was blinding me. My joints ached, and my brain felt like us was going to ooze out my head.
Of course - my body's cruel way of telling me I needed a cigarette. Like a hangover, but without the alcohol. At least I remember all the little insignificant details of yesterday so I could beat myself up about it.
Like how I got so emotional over singing a song - I was such a baby and I needed to pull it together.
This is why dad is ashamed of you.
I paused in my thoughts, and I began to breakdown again. I was weak, so fragile, and nearly everything was going to send me off if it pushed hard enough. Collapsing into my bedsheets, I bawled and bawled, trying my best to stifle my noises with the pillows.
After I had calmed down, I just lay there, hating everything.
No one told me this was going to be easy, and I was really determined to give them up. Not just for Roy's sake, but for the sake of not having to worry about this depressing shitty feeling that came with not having them.
I slammed my fist down on the alarm and it finally shut up. Groaning, I stretched, and got up.
"How are you feeling?" Ben asked, placing a hand on my back as I made coffee.
"Shit." I replied, bluntly, and looking at him with tired eyes.
"You look it. Go clean yourself up and I'll finish this." he soothed, taking over the coffee.
I moaned loudly, but followed his command and went into the bathroom. The lights hurt my eyes, but I kept them on so I could see. My reflection squinted back at me, with large bags under my eyes, like I hadn't slept for weeks. My skin almost grey, and was dull and lifeless. My hair was a mess and I needed to wash it. I looked slightly puffy and flushed from crying, and my eyes were extremely bloodshot. Stubble was poking its head through around my beard area, reminding me that I needed to shave. Later.
Once again, I cleaned myself up, and took a slow shower. Every movement and breath seemed like too much, so eventually I just sat down in it. I let the water drench me, and just rocked back and forth on the floor.
"Hurry up, your coffee is getting cold!" Ben called, and I grunted loudly in response. I was quite aware that I got easily frustrated with people when I was in this kind of mood, so I was going to keep the talking to a minimum.
I tucked the towel around my waist and shuffled out of the shower. Roy was looking on his phone on his bed, and flashed me a large grin.
"Good morning there, superstar." I chuckled with a croaky voice, grabbing my coffee from the counter and siting back on my bed.
Roy was smiling so hard I thought his face would crack, and I could tell he was in a good mood. Great, why was he only in a good mood when I was in a shit one? "Morning there, miss runner up." he joked.
I rolled my eyes. "My mom thinks I'm a superstar, that's all that counts. And you still need to buy me pizza." I replied, my voice failing me.
He laughed, but looked at me oddly. "Are you okay?" he asked.
I shrugged, looking down at the floor, dishearteningly. "It's nothing." I replied. I couldn't tell him I was giving up smoking for him - that might come across as weird or creepy. Anyway, I didn't trust myself to say anything right when I was as tired as this.
"Are you sure?" he chuckled. "You look and sound like crap."
I glared. "I said it was nothing." I answered, a little snappier than I had expected.
He gave me a look. "Bitch, drink your fucking coffee and I'll take you out for some pizza, alright? Just don't get hissy with me this early in the morning."
I smirked a little, but drank my coffee in silence.
"Your song was pretty, by the way." Roy told me, as we walked alongside each other to the pizza place after getting ready.
I blushed. "Thank you. I'd been meaning to get around to writing and performing a song again. And at least I didn't get food thrown at me or anything." I murmured, smiling.
He grinned at me. "I usually don't like soppy shit but it was really good. And not that anyone would want to hear me sing, but I really like your voice."
I was blushing harder and harder by the second. "You singing would be hilarious." I tried playing it off, but my voice was too stuttery to say anything properly. "But you have $100,000 so you don't need to sing in bars like me."
"$99,990 after these fucking pizzas you hungry bitch." he laughed, putting his arm around me. After seeing how tense I got, he dropped his arm and I noticed him blush. Now we were just two embarrassed gay drag queens walking into a pizza store. Honestly it sounded like the start of a bad joke.
We took a booth in a sunny corner for once, as Roy wanted to be in the warmth. He sat down next to me, and sighed happily.
"What can I get you?" the waitress asked, as I cuddled up in the corner of the booth.
"Pizza." I murmured, and Roy rolled his eyes.
"We'll share a large cheese pizza." he responded, and the waitress nodded, leaving. He looked over at me, and put a hand on my leg. "Tired?"
I shrugged, and pulled my hood on my hoodie up. As he sighed loudly, I stuck my tongue out at him, and stretched my legs out further.
He shuffled closer, and I put my legs on his lap. He didn't seemed to mind, and neither of us cared about any weird looks we might be getting. I stared at him, and he scrolled down Twitter on his phone. I ran my eyes over his perfect face, and where stubble was starting to grow in.
I loved his soft lips, and I pondered over how nice it would be to kiss him. Sure we had kissed when we were drunk, but it was sloppy, and I really wished we could kiss and it mean something. Sighing, I realised how deep I was really in this crush. Next I would be fanaticising about us get married and living in the suburbs or something.
He turned to me, noticing I was staring at him. I looking away quickly, blushing hard, and he chuckled.
The pizza finally came, after around ten minutes of me thinking, and us sitting in silence.
"Come on, sleepy." Roy laughed, cutting the pizza up into slices.
I put my hood down again and leaned over to get some pizza, slowly. I wanted to stay positive for him, and I didn't want to say anything bad, but it was getting harder and harder the shittier I felt. My head was throbbing, and all I wanted to do was lie down and cry. I was angry and depressed all the same time, and I felt like overall shit. Roy was so upbeat and happy because he still had the adrenaline from winning, and I didn't want to bring his mood down. So I kept mostly silent.
I took small bites of pizza, and he was surprised when he finished his slice first.
"Hot." I replied, as he gave me a questioning look.
We both fell silent again. Roy ended up eating most of the pizza, and I sat in the corner, trying not to have an outburst. He kept leaving his hands on my legs, and it was making my mind go mad.
He insisted on paying, and we left, walking quietly side by side. Slightly confused, he kept giving me looks, and watching me walk with my head to the ground.
"Okay, what the fuck is wrong with you today?" Roy asked, his tone serious and pointed. "I've got you coffee, I've got you pizza, and usually after that you're like Alyssa on her fucking go-go juice! It's like someone's just sucked the fun out of you, or you've just been replaced by a robot or something. You haven't even said party in the last four hours! Hell, you've hardly even talked!"
I exhaled heavily and didn't reply. Trying my best to avoid his gaze, I looked down to the ground as I walked, and kept a straight face.
"Danny. Answer me." he snapped, walking with me.
I didn't reply to this either, and he groaned.
"Daniel!" he hissed, grabbing my arm. I had never seen him this angry, and honestly it scared me. Especially knowing it had been caused by me.
I finally turned around and saw his face. It was mad, but his features softened when he saw mine. "Okay, Roy. I'm trying to give up smoking, and it's pissing the hell out of me, and it's taking everything out of me. My emotions are a mess and I'm really not in the mood." I replied, sternly.
He kept a grip on my arm, and pulled me a little closer. We were still really frustrated, and I was a little self conscious about making a scene. "You've always been so for smoking, why would you randomly choose to give it up now? Obviously not your health, because you would start caring about eating so much pizza."
"Because you hate smoking, dumbass." I snapped back, trying to pull away and failing.
He pulled me back closer. "Why the fuck would you care about what I think about your life?" he spat.
I glared him directly in the face, and lowered my voice. I stared at him for minutes, before he twisted my arm slightly in a way that hurt. Pretending it didn't effect me, because he probably hadn't meant to do it, I quickly turned away. He kept holding onto me, and I finally broke free.
"Because I fucking love you." I blurted out, turning bright red, and turning my back to him. I started down at the ground, ashamed, and we continued to walk.
My cheeks were burning, and I felt very lightheaded all of a sudden. My mind couldn't register that I had actually said that, and it almost felt like I was dreaming. Roy didn't reply, and solemnly shuffled behind me. I couldn't tell if he was still mad at me, or if he was in shock, but I was so embarrassed that I didn't want to turn around and confront him. Most of all, I just wanted to run back home to my mother and cry. But I couldn't do that.
I'm such an idiot, I thought to myself.