Posted: July 12th, 2017| Edited: November 15th, 2019
Lavanya
-A week ago-
I don't believe him.
After everything, I would have thought he would know better than to run - or to do stupid things to push Khushi away. Last night, after he came back from taking Khushi out on a date, he had locked himself in his room again. He hadn't done that once in the past months ever since Khushi returned from Australia. Needless to say, I needed to know what had happened that he was behaving in this manner.
I knew he wouldn't talk to me right after, so I called Khushi to let him know and as I had assumed, she hadn't known where he had been till I called. I couldn't believe he had just left her there. He knew better than to be that careless or thoughtless. When I manage to get a hold of him, he is so going to get hell from me.
The next morning, he was gone before any of us had woken up. I had seen the shattered look on Khushi's face when she had come out of the room, looking for him. I didn't need to say it for her to know he had left. I offered to drive her back to Raizada house so she could change since she was still in last night's clothes. She refused, telling me she didn't want me to be late to work or for Aarav to be late to school. She called Armaan who picked her up and after taking Aarav to school, I drove to office.
Heading straight to Arnav's cabin, I twisted the doorknob only to find it locked. I rattled it, calling his name, but he didn't answer. I knew he was in there though. I threatened, "Arnav, open up! Don't make me call di and ask her to bring the spare keys."
Putting my ear to the door, I waited to hear any movement. I was hoping that ultimate threat would work for he knew di didn't feel comfortable coming in to the office. For years, she hadn't even been actively involved in designing any of the pieces, let alone entire lines. And if there is anything that one can count on from Arnav, then it's the fact that he would never do anything that would inconvenience Anjali or put her in an uncomfortable spot.
Thankfully, I heard the chair rolling. I straightened up and waited for him to unlock the door. After the door opened, he stepped aside and waved me in. Thinking I won this round, I stepped inside and started to walk towards the chairs to take a seat when he started to leave. On not hearing footsteps following me, I turned around and demanded, "Where the fuck do you think you are going?"
"You asked to come in. Not that I had to stay." He decided being a smartass right now was a good idea... even after I had used colorful language.
I folded my arms over my chest, narrowing my eyes at him. He still decided to walk out. Exasperated at his childishness and avoidant behavior, I muttered a few more choice words under my breath before following my idiot of a best friend down the steps.
Ofcourse, I can't run after him at his speed in these work heels. By the time I reached the ground floor, he thought slipping into the mens restroom would end my quest there itself.
Let me tell you something.
He thought wrong.
I am a woman on a mission and you just don't think you can outsmart them... or in this case, outrun them. Pushing the door in, I walked in keeping my head high. When I cleared my throat, everyone turned their heads in my direction.
"Everyone, out." I announced, my eyes staring straight ahead at Arnav who just looked mildly surprised at my bold actions. He should know I don't get embarrassed easily.
They looked between each other, failing to react as if they had lost their brain power upon encountering a female in male restroom.
"NOW!" I added with a steely glare and raised voice.
That got them moving.
Arnav, scratching the back of his head, tried to slip into the group by the end. I stepped to my right, blocking his path. "Don't even think it."
I did not put up with this humiliation for him to try and make a run for it again. Seriously, he has told me things in the past no matter how self-destructive they have been. He is brutally honest with me about everything because he knows I am not the person who likes for others to smoothen the blow or treat me with kid gloves.
What is so different this time that he can't even look me in the eye? He couldn't have done anything worse than all the things he already has and all the things I have continued to stand by him for.
What is he afraid of?
When the last of the employee has left and it was just the two of us, I folded my arms over my chest once again, tapping my heel to convey he was not to test my patience right now. "Am I going to have to beat it out of you or will you spill already?"
Still refusing to look my way, he shook his head.
I exhaled before dropping my defensive stance and taking a softer step towards him. "Arnav, come on. Whatever you have done now, you know you can tell me."
He swallowed before admitting, "It's not something I've done."
"Then?" He kept his head lowered, looking for an escape. I happened to catch a glimpse of something on his cheek. To confirm, I lifted my hand to his chin, turned his face to the side and sure enough, there were finger imprints. Without meaning to, I inhaled sharply. "Did she slap you?!"
Now, I understand all the arguments and their misunderstandings to an extent, but this is new and unacceptable. I can't believe I was nice to her this morning! Or the fact that I called her last night to tell her where he was so she could come get him. Every time I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt...
He leaned his face away from my touch, "I deserved that."
Now, I was confused. "But you just said you didn't do anything. So why...?"
It's not making sense. What happened last night on their date?
He inhaled softly and let out a long, slow exhale. Then, he advised. "Lavanya, just let this one go."
That? That, in itself, told me that I shouldn't let it go. That should be the last thing that I do. And, he called me by my full name. He rarely does that and when he does, it's for a serious reason.
"No," I stubbornly shook my head. "Nuh-uh. I am not letting this go. You tell me right now what happened yesterday. I don't want to hear anything else."
"Trust me. You don't want to know."
I put my arms over my chest again, standing tall and determined. "I think I do."
Why do people not let me decide for myself what I want and don't want to know? It's infuriating to deal with this double standard.
"Lavanya..."
I warned, "Arnav Singh Raizada, in our time of knowing each other, I haven't asked you for many things. So today, you do not get to deny me what I want to know. Talk."
He pleaded, "It'll break your heart, La. Please, let it go. What's done is done," finally meeting my eyes, but that haunted look in his eyes further confirmed that I shouldn't back off.
Even if it would break me as he is so sure it will.
"So it's about me?"
How do I fit in between the two of them?
He shook his head and paint me confused once again. If it wasn't not about me... what else could break my heart? As I thought back to the short list of people I cared about, pieces fit together quickly. There was only one person in my life that Arnav has always tried to protect me from.
The confusion in my eyes cleared as I whispered the name, "Vivek." He had been the cause of my many heartbreaks. But I really thought he was getting better. Changing his life around. "What has he done now?"
I didn't know what, but I knew it had to be something big. Big enough that Arnav couldn't bring himself to look me in the eyes. If it was his usual drugs and drinking and gambling and getting into legal trouble because of it, Arnav would have told me bluntly in his 'I told you' tone to imply that he'd known Vivek would come around to disappoint me once again.
This time felt different.
When he remained silent, hesitant on telling me, I reached for his hand and requested. "Arnav, please. Tell me. If it's about my brother, then I deserve to know."
His eyes shut as he inhaled deeply again. It really looked like he didn't want to tell me, but I needed to know. "Khushi asked me about him."
"Why would she...?" I began voicing out the question aloud. What reason would Khushi have for asking about my brother? Then, I asked myself an even more important question: how would Khushi know Vivek in the first place?
As seconds passed by, a fear started gripping at my chest. It started racing. What could be worse in Vivek's life involving drugs and gambling?
"No." I said, my brain starting to answer the questions but my heart refusing to accept them. He's not the best influence to have in life, but he wouldn't. He couldn't!
"Lavanya..."
"No!" I exclaimed putting my hand up to stop him from touching me and fill my head with doubts. "You're wrong."
He tried to call me out but I just turned on my heel and walked out. I sensed a few eyes in my direction and more heads turned - that is when I assumed Arnav must have walked out after me. I didn't hear him following me though. Holding my head high, I marched straight to Khushi's desk.
I only had one question for her when she looked up from her computer desk. "Is it true?"
I have never done anything to harm her. Well, nothing on purpose anyway that didn't involve looking out for my best friend. She has no reason to lie to me. Sure, Arnav wouldn't lie to me either, but somehow, I needed to hear it from her.
One female to another.
She stood up pushing her chair back. Her eyes darted past my shoulder, presumably at Arnav, and caught on what I was referring to. It seemed like she regretted confirming it for me, as if knowing what it would do to me, but she had to say it given I had asked her point blank. "Yes."
That pain in my soul started to fight through my strong-headedness and moisten my eyelids. Water started filling my eyes, but I swallowed that lump choking me. I stumbled back as if the ground had shaken and pulled from under my feet. My knees trembled, and my hand reached out to hold the cubicle to keep myself steady.
I couldn't fall apart.
Seeing my reaction, she started to reach forward but I took a step back. I didn't need to be coddled. Like I said, I hated being treated with kid gloves. I could handle this. I had dealt with the loss of my parents. I would deal with the loss of my brother too.
Turning around and paying no attention to the prying eyes scrutinizing my every move, I walked to my office. As I passed by Arnav, he said my name, but I didn't stop or look in his direction.
Right now, I needed to be left alone.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
Closing the door behind me, I walked to my chair behind the desk like a zombie and dropped my purse. It settled on the surface with a thud. Having no energy to keep myself up, my knees gave out. I slumped back into the chair and let a heavy tear fall from my eye.
I have continued to believe even through his bad that there was still some good left in him. I continued to believe that even if he didn't give a damn about everyone else or anything that happened in his life, he still cared about me. The last two times I saw him, he had seemed so concerned. He even looked better, leading me to have hope for him still.
However, knowing what I know now... I would really be a fool if I continued to defend his actions. Everyone kept telling me: caring for him would one day ruin me. Arnav and Anjali, they told me to let it go and stop with the silly business of continuing to reach out to him. I'd told them that they didn't understand. Perhaps, they were right all along.
I was just too blind to see it myself.
But I haven't been blind to Khushi's life. I may not have ever witnessed her panic attacks or her nightmares, but I am aware of them through Arnav. He has seen them. One does not just have nightmares for no reason. Her life was more real than all of my empty hopes for my brother and so... now, I had to face the reality.
Hiccupping, stopping my tears not having realized when my tears of pain turned into those of anger and feeling of betrayal, my shaking hands reached for my purse. Pulling out my phone, I dialed the most recent contact I had for him.
I didn't expect him to answer. He never did. It always went to voicemail.
And so, I left him a voicemail trying to contain my voice, willing it to not break as I told him that if he wanted his next month's check, he was going to have to come see me.
I just wanted to see the look on his face when I would finally tell him that we were done. That I was done looking out for him, and waiting for him to come back home. That he no longer had a home with me.
As I end the call, I thought to pull myself back up on my feet, but I couldn't. My body wouldn't cooperate. I thought back to this morning. Armaan picking up Khushi. All the things I know about him. All the things I know about Arnav as a brother.
What had I done that was so bad that I wasn't lucky enough to have a brother like them in my life? Was I so bad? Didn't I deserve a good family life too? Why was I always robbed of them? What was my fault in any of this?
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
After spotting me waiting by the car, Aarav ran over to greet me. When he was close enough, I kneeled down to meet his height and he threw his arms around my neck tightly. I hugged him back just as tightly, feeling as if he was the only pure thing in my life right now. Just seeing his innocent face and the bright smile shining in his eyes were enough to ease the pain inside of me.
Not completely, but it was a start.
There was still one good thing in my life, and I won't let anything or anyone in his life corrupt it as long as I was around.
"Mom?"
"Yes, baby?" I opened my eyes.
"Can't breathe." With a short laugh, I released my tight hold around him and he stepped back. His eyes searched my face with concern, "Are you okay?"
I tried to smile as best as I could, but when he raised his brow as if daring me to lie, I exhaled in defeat. "Mommy just found out something bad."
"Bad or very bad?" He put one hand around my shoulder, standing by my side while I was still on my knee - least caring that the graveled ground was scratching up a designer suit pants.
I took his bookbag off his shoulder. "Very bad."
He smiled and said so easily, "Don't worry. You'll make it better."
Children. Their lives were so simple. They don't complicate things. I wish it were that simple for adults as well, but... how am I to ever face Khushi again?
When I stood up and took his tiny palm in mine, he asked, "Can I go see daddy at work? Or is he still mad?"
My first instinct was to say no, but on second thought, I figured it might be a good thing for Arnav. Maybe seeing Aarav would pull him out of his dark hole. Putting his bag in the back seat, I held the door open for him to get inside. "Sure, but you'll stay in his office and not wander around this time, okay?"
Last time I brought him to the office, I took my eyes off him for one second and let's just say he found his way to the storage and made a mess in there by accidentally knocking off a couple of boxes of fabrics. All the samples inside had rolled around the floor, tangling themselves up, and getting dirt all over them. Ofcourse, it didn't help that we were in the middle of repainting and some idiot decided to leave an open sample paint can right next to the fabrics. It had taken a good hour or two to sort the mess. Needless to say, we couldn't use the fabrics and they had to be reordered. In retrospect, it sounds funnier now than it was at the time.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
Stepping out of the elevator, I was about to head towards the stairs, but Aarav tugged at the hand I was holding to get my attention. When I looked down at him, he asked for permission. "Can I go say hi to Khushi?"
I followed his gaze to Khushi's cubicle. Nodding, I released his hand and he ran off to reach her. A second later, I walked in the direction as well.
Aarav cleared his throat and Khushi, busy sketching, said without looking his way, "Just leave the files on the table, Payal."
Aarav stomped cutely before reaching up and stealing the pencil out of her hand.
That got her attention. "Hey!" She exclaimed and turned, ready to scold said-Payal, but was surprised to see Aarav instead.
He frowned, "I'm not Payal."
She chuckled finding his temper adorable as well. "I see that," she replied, amused. Turning the chair to face him properly, she greeted. "Hi, you. Sorry I ignored you."
He quickly smiled bobbing his shoulder up, "That's okay! Can I see what you're drawing?"
She bargained, "Only if I can get a hug first."
"That drawing better be worth it."
She gaped, "You..." She stopped herself in time before saying the wrong word.
Laughing, he held out his arms for her to lean in since he couldn't reach her. Putting her arms around him, she lifted him easily to her lap at the same time.
Her eyes met mine and the wide smile on her face faltered. Pulling back from the hug, she gave Aarav her sketchbook, "How about you take this up to Arnav's office? You can show him too."
He looked between the two of us, figuring we needed to talk. The kid was much smarter than his age. Taking the sketchbook, he jumped down and left muttering something along the lines of 'adults and their secret conversations' under his breath.
Khushi stood up taking a deep breath. "Lavanya, about this morning..."
Before I knew it, I was cutting her off with words pouring out of my mouth, "I am sorry."
She remained quiet for a second, maybe debating if I meant the words? Then, she exhaled. "Sorry isn't enough."
I lowered my head feeling the bite of her response. "I know..."
Another moment of silence passed before she spoke again. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude to you. What I meant was... it's not on you. You don't have to feel the need to apologize."
"I do," I argued, feeling something empty inside of me. I didn't know how to bring back that part of my soul that I feel will forever be lost now. "He's my..." I couldn't bring myself to complete that statement, my throat closing up. There was a time I wanted him to accept that he was my brother - even if it was just legally and not through blood. Now...
She reached for my hand and the touch felt alien. I followed her hand up to her as she whispered quietly, "You're not him."
If it were possible, my heart shattered in even more pieces. He had wronged her for life and despite knowing his connection to me, how could she be nice in return? She should hate me - nothing more, nothing less. Simple as that. And I wouldn't have held it against her for any of it either. I would have deserved it. Yet, here she is, attempting to make me feel better... comfort me. Looking past her past and focusing on me instead... as if relating to what I must be going through.
I suppose it went to show just how far she had come from when I first learned of her back during college days. It showed how much she had healed and was still continuing to grow.
That realization itself broke a dam inside of me - knowing that I was now where she used to be and I needed to make that journey for even if she forgave me and didn't not hold me responsible, I had to find a way to forgive myself. Find a way to trust people again - when it had never been an easy task for me to do in the first place. For years, I only ever trusted Anjali and Arnav. Anyone else, I plucked out of my life the second they started to get too close because I couldn't afford to be hurt again. I couldn't afford to be left behind again.
Sadly, it's the people we want to be close to who hurt us the worst.
With a harsh gulp, I asked, "Can I...?" but it seems she does not need me to finish.
She lightly put her hands around me, embracing the broken parts of me. I only let Arnav see me as vulnerable and everyone in the office knew me as emotionally closed off most of the times. I didn't care for the cold-hearted reputation that I had around the office. I could feel everyone's eyes on us as they paused for a second to register what was happening between us.
Yet, I don't care over the fact that they've seen me holding on to the last of my emotions.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |
Hi! Thoughts please on this addition? A simple attempt to show Lavanya's perspective and what she goes through on learning about Vivek. Previously, it was assumed that she knows Vivek was involved too during their trip to Rome when she hugs Khushi after Shyam sends a note to Anjali. I was never quite satisfied with that because there was potential in exploring her character there - which I just had to do in this rewrite!
The sad reality that also, I hope, gives her another layer of strength to stand for what is right even if it kills the last shred of hope she had for a lost part of her family she had spent long years trying to put together... only to learn it was always in vain. For her to know she still has the Raizada's and always will.