Memoir: Dazai Osamu was deemed unqualified for the special sprout of human frailty.
✑
The mesmerizing glow of the chandelier reflected upon her eyes as her pupils dilated from the brilliance. She attempted to block the commotion blaring throughout the building, but it seemed pointless as the sounds around her could only get powerful. The customers of the pub were celebrating a lavish event that they wouldn't dare to pass. Dresses adorned the figures of women and fitted suits uplifted the boldness within men. Though, of course, casual wear wasn't discriminated from such a public event.
The 20th anniversary of the pub was an effortless night shift for the employees. [Name] stood behind the bar as usual, watching the customers swing their bodies with the soft beat of the blues and raising their glasses of liquor in honor. A white button-down shirt shaped her body as did black trousers. She could feel the soles of her feet burning with slight pain because of the high heels she was required to wear. Nonetheless, the magnificence for the special night radiated from her very being. She smiled from time to time yet, something felt off.
"How are you holding up?" The head bartender asked beside her. Her lips formed a small smile as she shrugged her shoulders, indicating that what she felt didn't really matter when she was working. He roughly patted her shoulder in a friendly manner before he resumed filling glasses with whatever kind of liquor. [Name]'s smile slowly melted when her mind finally recognized why she felt a bit off. Hesitantly, she turned her head to face him and slightly gaped open her mouth to let out the words she wasn't quite sure to say.
"Dazai Osamu hasn't stopped by today, huh?" She thought his name would roll off her tongue simply, but it was like her lips were stitched from an invisible thread. His name was associated with pain and fear, but understanding that rumor never crossed her mind. Why she asked that question was beyond her knowledge.
The head bartender shook his head from side to side. He released a long sigh as he rubbed the nape of his neck. "It's a shame he couldn't show up. He's probably busy tonight."
[Name] let out a snort, leaning against the counter to compose herself. Dazai didn't seem the type to be busy, let alone have the effort to do any work. However, she had to remind herself that she didn't know anything about him. He was a mystery, not letting anyone cross the line he drew himself. She let her teeth grind together because she was infuriated with herself. To her, he conveyed emotions when the time called for it, but certain emotions didn't appear sincere at all. He had a notable trait of being able to adapt to any situation and make it work in his favor.
She averted her eyes from the cups on the counter to the people dancing in the center of her view. Their nonchalant grins and laughter should've relaxed the girl's muscles, but she inhaled deeply as she attempted to straighten her posture. The people dancing in front of her brought up a memory from not too long ago. She couldn't help but crinkle her eyebrows as her hands slowly clenched together.
"And would you mind if I asked you to dance with me, my dear Delilah?"
Chuckling to herself, [Name]'s eyesight lowered to the floor beneath her. To think she would remember that joke at a time like this. It was ridiculous to feel this type of way, especially when it was something that he inquired out of humor. She initially brought all of this loneliness onto herself. Her patience was wearing thin as she quietly muttered, "Of course I'd dance with you."
The idea of ignoring her troubled desire wasn't so easy, no matter how much she told herself that it wasn't worth her time. Even if that teenage boy irritated her to a major extent, she could never bring herself to actually loathe him for implanting such longing feelings inside her. The loneliness that coated her existence quickly fell apart and was replaced with belittling amusement. She knew damn well that he would've wanted to experience her vulnerability, and she wasn't going to give him that satisfaction even if he wasn't present.
The sudden cry of a child wasn't great and therefore, made her previous thoughts vanish within that second. [Name] watched the little boy cry in the middle of the dancing crowd, obviously unattended by his guardians. In an instant, her heels clacked against the floor as she made her way toward the crying child. She tried to slip her way through the people almost bumping into her, though receiving some dirty glances in the end. When she got closer to the boy, she slightly crouched down and spread out her arms to indicate that he would be safe in her arms.
The little boy willingly wrapped his short arms around her neck as she lifted him up from the floor. With lips pursued, the teen watched him bury his head onto her shoulder. With her hand gently patting his back, she rushed to an area of the room where it wasn't crowded. Indeed, she left the bar to attend the child that was clearly the responsibility of his guardians. It wasn't her business to pick up a child, especially when she was a stranger. Though, she wasn't breaking any of the rules. Technically, her task was to take care the customers for the night and that was exactly what she was doing.
"You're safe, okay?" She repeatedly told before his whimpers diminished. The moment he was brave enough to lift his face off of her shoulder, he was greeted with a heartwarming smile. His cheeks were tinted red as his glossy eyes examined the features of her face. The child quietly thanked the teenage girl for rescuing him, but he didn't want to leave her side after what just happened to him. It was funny how a simple anniversary could cause a simple pub to become a nightclub.
"Hey, would you like to dance with me?" [Name] questioned to take his mind off of his previous situation. He seemed to favor the idea, nodding his head in childlike excitement. Widely smiling at the sight, she set him down and bent her knees to reach his petite height. She held his hands as delicately as she could and swung his arms with the slow beat of the music, even twirling him from time to time. The night had turned perfect for her with her worries thrown out of her mind. At least, that's what she believed for a fracture of the time.
It was a dark, moonless night with street lamps illuminating the city. However, the sole illumination for strangers on the sidewalks was the brightly lit pub. A tall, broad, and lean man with reddish brown hair happened to be passing by the building alongside a teenage boy. With the large window separating the pair from the crowd inside, the man narrowed his azure-colored eyes at a teenage girl seemingly dancing with a child. He stopped in his tracks to observe them as he was reminded of his adopted children that he cared for.
"I see you've taken interest of the place, Odasaku." There was a smug smirk that crossed the teenager's features. Dazai's gaze casted over at the beautiful girl on the other side of the window. Though their distance from one another was far, he immediately sensed that she appeared off from usual. Whether she felt like she was being watched or not was another story.
"We have more important matters. Let's go." His words were gruffly spoken. His eyelids lowered as he resumed walking down the dark path he'd chosen to take. The black coat draped over his shoulders vaguely flared due to the course of the wind. He made no effort to look back because he knew his older companion would follow him.
Odasaku glanced at the scene once more. He shoved his calloused hands into the pockets of his coat and with a slightly curved lip across his rugged features, he finally replied to the brunette with a simple, "Yeah."
Human frailty was but a looming shadow to that detached boy.
There was something about the night that made a chill run down her spine. It wasn't the absence of stars due to the intensity of city lights, nor was it the broken street lamp that constantly flickered in front of her. It wasn't curiosity of the unknown that would frequently remind her during this time. She only felt this type of way when she leaned against one of the apartments window with her head rested on her crossed arms and her knees comfortably on the floor. She searched for quick shadows with drooping eyelids that almost covered her [e/c] hues.
"Dazai?" She called out, making an effort to lift her head from her arms and face the man. [Name] noticed how his thumb and index finger held onto a book, but his attention was currently on her. He softly hummed, specifying that he was listening to whatever the grown woman had to say.
"Four years ago, did you know about the 20th anniversary at the pub?" She inquired with a soft tone. She stared at him, patiently waiting for a response. Dazai gazed at the page he was on for a few seconds before he shut the book and released a low chuckle.
"Recalling old memories, are we now?" He faced her with his usual grin. Yet, [Name] wanted an answer. Nothing humorous, nothing dramatic, but just an answer. When Dazai understood what she desired with her mellow expression, his grin melted into a thin line.
"Yes, I did." It was a short answer. Expecting anything else from him would've been out of character if she really did understood him.
[Name]'s fingers played with her long sleeves, and focused on that rather than the brunette that stared intensely at her. She wasn't fond having serious discussions with him, but what she gained in the end of it was usually worth it. "Why didn't you stop by?"
"My presence wasn't needed during that time," he replied with another chuckle.
She tried to laugh to avoid remembering the bitterness of the past, but it came out harsh. Her hand reached the back of her head to nervously scratch it as she said, "You missed out on the fun."
"May I ask why you're bringing this up?" His question tore the pieces that she was trying to hold herself together with.
"I wanted to dance with you," she finally spoke out. They were the words that she'd been locking up inside the nostalgic memories of her mind. [Name] couldn't have stopped a grin from spreading across her features even if she knew that what she really felt wasn't visible in appearance.
"It's stupid, I know. I was just a kid back then. Make fun of me," she hastily defended herself. She despised this feeling more than anything. She was so caught up with her uneasiness that she didn't know that he walked toward her as she was speaking.
Within the blink of an eye, his figure towered over hers. He took another step closer, mahogany eyes staring at her. It was a known fact that he took actions with gracefulness on his own record, clearly showing that when he reached his hand to grasp hers. "Why would I do that?"
Her eyes held a stare with his momentarily before she let out a huff of amusement. There was no music, nothing but the sounds of feet shuffling against the floor and their conversation. "Right now?"
"Only if you let me."
She gave him a single up and down glance. She cleared her throat a little before placing her hand on his and pulled herself off of the floor. The soft cotton of his clothing slipped around her waist while his free hand continued to hold onto hers. The distance between them became nonexistent, so she held onto his shoulder to control it. But no sooner was the fabric behind her attempting to pull her much closer. Her thoughts were completely thrown out the window, but the beating of her pulse went wild the moment both of his hands held onto her cheeks.
It was evident that he had something to tell her. No matter how much she wanted to avoid visual contact with him, her anxiousness was forgotten when he leaned close to her ear and subtly uttered, "I went back to see you, but the event sadly ended before I could make it on time."
[Name] tugged the clothing on his chest, completely dumbfounded by his response. She could tell her eyes became glossy just by observing the depth of his eyes and his faded scent somehow made her want to get impossibly closer. The realization of his answer pulled the corners of her lips into a trembling smile and only desired to touch his. They were merely seconds away from exchanging breaths.
It would've probably been easier to hate him from the very beginning, but that was before she knew that he yearned to understand her vulnerability just like she did for him.
"You went back for me?"
Memo: Dazai Osamu may disparage humans for their perceived frailty while at the same time, clearly envying it.
────────────────────
Wow, it's been almost a year since I've last written on this site. I'm sorry if my writing is a little rusty, but I'm slowly remembering how to write even though I'm somewhat retired.
The amount of positive comments I got on this story has made me so happy. I never thought so many readers would actually be interested lol. Thank you for the positivity and I hope I see more!
「Originally published on July 25, 2017」