Finian's POV
Morning glory blue eyes falling over my flesh, the current of electrical impulses shivers into my whole being. A tremor of pleasure almost has a welcoming sigh escaping from my mouth. Her inspection of me starts with my eyes, falling to my neck, holding on my scars for a few seconds, trailing over my shoulders, descending to my chest, down my hips. Until what I am holding in my hand grabs her attention.
All her focus is on her.
She tries to speak, no words coming out. A hand reaching out to me clumsy before it flops back down heavy on her barren abdomen that no longer can hold a future again inside it.
The closer I get to her the more accelerated her heart beat starts to race inside her chest. Again she tries to reach out with hands that won't do what her brain commands them to do.
Leaning down I kiss her lips which bring's her heart smile out; that draws mine wider with how perfect this minute is.
"Victoria, we've missed you." Breathing out with the truth of the words.
Her eyes are sharpening strong with sight as she regards our daughter covered up tight in a nest of warmth.
"Here." Giving Victoria a drink of water because she's having a hard time speaking the dryness destroying the sound she wants to make.
Raising her head, her eyes close with the first upward motion of movement in a month. Pressing the bottle against her lips, she takes the first sip greedily trying to pull more in that what she can swallow has some spilling out, dripping down her chin.
"I want to see her." Her first demand that I am more than willingly to follow.
Unwrapping the sleeping female completely only the diaper remains on. Holding the still sleeping baby to Victoria's face so she can have her first smell of her daughter.
This is all of Victoria's dreams coming true...a family of her own that she can love and be loved in.
She inhales long and slow at the little one's neck. Eyes are closing in a mother's pleasure. The wolf's teeth flashing outward with a nibble of flesh a lick of tongue tasting her scent, imprinting her offspring into her very being.
Her nose is trying to nudge her awake.
"Wake up." She whispers to the female who should be up soon with the next feeding stays sleeping not recognizing the voice. Taking the covers off Victoria, unbuttoning her gown I place her on Victoria, skin against skin. Covering the both of them back up.
Sitting at the side of the bed, my thigh touching her's. "How do you feel? Are you in pain?" Not able to stop my fingers from reaching for her jawline, up the side of her face, removing any stray hairs away from those eyes that I will never get enough of.
"I'm fine. What happened Fin?" She doesn't give into her pain or suffering. Her mind, so accustoms to waking up from horrific injuries she just thinks this is normal, no freaking out, no hysteria. Just a simple question is asked by her.
Guiltiness consumes me looking at her holding our future against her with her trusting eyes on me looking for answers that will shatter our family.
It's this guilt that has been seeping inside my marrow as if it's termites feasting on wood. Guilt eroding away at my very center, leaving me with holes and spaces that will never be filled in again by what I have done.
First is to tell her what happened; then the next step is to tell her what happened between Meela and I. It's better to get everything out in the open.
"I'm so sorry this happened, Victoria. It's my fault; I should have been paying better attention." Closing my eyes with memories that will always stay with me, haunting my waking dreams.
"We were out running, and we're having fun like we use to do when we were juveniles. We were playing, chasing each other. Do you know how good that felt? It's like we were brothers again, a family again." It's hard to hide from her eyes that are searching through my soul's pain.
"We came across a deer trail, so we followed it into the bush, it was Grey who brought it down. We were fighting over the carcass, not paying attention. It came out of nowhere; we weren't prepared for it. It was the biggest bear I have ever seen. It took me out, Victoria. All this time I was so focused on your health and hating her that I never thought that I could die. It was like one minute we were having the best time of our lives and the next I was fighting just to breathe.It happened so fast without even a warning." Hanging my head in shame, I can't even meet her eyes.
"I couldn't move; I couldn't do anything. He just kept attacking me over and over again. Grey would distract it for a few minutes, or Thomas would lure it away with bites to its flank, but it kept coming back to me. Eating at me. He was hungry just probably a few weeks out of hibernation. He was all teeth and claw, and he needed to eat." The bundle under that covers whines weakly the first signs of her trying to wake herself up. A little squirm underneath covers. The female on Victoria's chest is a creature of habit every two hours she's ready for her next meal. I take this opportunity to look at Victoria's face who is searching mine. Her jaw clenched tight, eyes looking pained with what my words are making her see.
"Grey got in front of the bear Victoria, he stood in front of it and took the point. It was only him and Thomas. I knew I was dying I couldn't breathe, I saw my dad Victoria, he was there waiting. He was smiling at me, telling me it was okay that I was going to be just fine, that I needed to become the Alpha he always knew I could be. But he said he wasn't there for me." The slip of tear from the corner of my eye has me trying to reign in emotion that is threatening to consume me.
"I miss him so much." I wish my father were here now with me, with us, things would have been so much different. Victoria's lower jaw has a fine tremble in it. Eyes are also starting to pool with tears that haven't poured out yet.
"Grey, he wouldn't let the bear get near me again. He was sacrificing his body so I could live." A cry from my mouth has Victoria's hand rest against her heart. She shakes her head no from side to side; she's trying to hold my eyes, but she looks away as if she can't take any more words that are hitting her dead center of her chest. Thank the moon for what's laying against her at this moment. The female on Victoria is starting to fuss, body squirming becoming much more active. I know her cries will startle Victoria, the force of them might be too much for her body to stand against in her weakened state.
The door opens to the room disturbing our talk.
Meela who's eyes holds griefs sickness meet mine. "Do you need me to take her? It's time for her to eat."
I can see the baby's head raise from Victoria's chest looking around with open eyes for Meela who she has become very attached to. When Meela looks at Victoria's open eyes, shock registers.
"Victoria you're awake?" Meela's surprised, not expecting this. Yellow eyes flash to mine, "I'll just take her and bring her back." I watch her slip into the room with her hands already reaching out towards the infant who is now kicking in excitement.
"No!" The words halt Meela instantly. "She stays with me." Victoria's voice in a commanding vibration of energy that slams around the room. Meela's eyes find mine begging me to intervene on this. Nursing the baby has been her only light in the sorrowful darkness that she has found and clung too.
"Meela, her mother's awake now. She will be able to start feeding her now." Her tears start to pool in her eyes, turning her back to us, shoulders slump as she walks away without the sound of footsteps.
"Meela brings your male to us; I want to meet him." Closing my eyes with what was just said, Meela doesn't even turn around instead closing the door quietly behind her.
"Victoria, the pup, he didn't make it. He died during the birth. They tried everything, but they couldn't bring him back." Victoria looks as if she is in agony herself, Meela's pain registering as her own. I can feel it coming off her body as a constricting sadness.
"How is she doing?"
"Not well. I think her caring for our female for the last month has helped slightly." It's whispered out. I want to tell her what else has helped her, but I just can't bring myself to say it yet. That I have let her pretend I'm Grey to feel better, to provide her comfort in her time of need.
"How is Grey taking this?" Her face holds a strain frown lines.
"Grey is, he was protecting me; he wouldn't let the bear get close. Thomas was able to carry me out, while Grey kept the bear away. He sacrificed himself so I could live. He stood between the bear and me." The first sob escapes from my tightening throat.
"I love him so much. For the longest time, all I wanted to do was kill him, Victoria. I wanted to end him. I just couldn't do it. So I left everything and ruined everything in the process." I wish I could go back in time and be who I should have always been.
"I just couldn't see past the hate, yet he was always there. He was always just waiting for me to come back. I would hurt him, and he would never fight me back. He let me punch him over and over again." Tears washing down my face too bad they can't clean me.
"Grey's still out; he hasn't woken up yet. He doesn't know what's happened. How can I look him in the eyes ever again knowing that I'm the one to cause this? If I were paying more attention, this wouldn't have happened. I should have known better." I want to tell her more; I should tell her more. My conscious is churning inside me wanting to purge my guiltiness out, yet as she lays there full of trust in my words, I just can't bring myself to do it. I just need a little more time with her, with our little one as a family before it's ruined.
The pup starts to cry loud and demanding of a stomach that's empty and needs to eat. Pulling the blankets down setting her up to nurse off Victoria. It's our routine that I hold her while Victoria looks at our daughter's open eyes.
It's the first time she see's into her daughter's eyes, a magical moment as they take each other in. Victoria is falling in googly eye love with this female who doesn't recognize the eyes of her mother.
"Her eyes, she has blue eyes? Victoria's gaze diverts from her face for just a second looking into my eyes. "She has your eyes Fin; I saw them they were silver like yours." She states this as a solid fact that she really believed in.
"Victoria, her eyes have always been blue, just like yours." She's the perfect miniature Victoria except her attitude is much more demanding.
Mother and daughter are both staring at the other. The daughter not sure what's going on while the mother is falling madly in love with the little being she is holding.
"I have to tell you something else; it's about my mother. She had no choice Victoria, the female needed to come out. She thought you were dying. She was desperate; she thought you would have wanted that." Victoria's eyes hold mine, waiting for the rest of what happens to spill out.
"You sustained a lot of damage. The doctors weren't able to fix it. You, I mean, we can't have any more pups. She will be our only one." Now it's her turn for tears to roll down her cheeks with the idea of never having another future inside her. Taking calming breaths, I watch that her shoulders square up slightly in bed already her tears are drying up and she is moving forward with the loss, no more futures to be had.
She looks down at the female who is nursing greedily on her chest, and for her, I think she feels full from what she has. She doesn't want more she's satisfied with what's here and now.
"I'm sorry this is all my fault." I can't even meet her eyes with how guilty I must look. I'm surprised she doesn't smell it on me.
"It's not your fault Fin; you didn't know that was going to happen." She tries to edge her nose towards me, to press herself against my neck to calm my anxieties but as soon as she moves slightly the baby makes a slight whine. Victoria lays back down not wanting to upset the nursing infant. The baby needs to eat, and I can see it in Victoria's eyes that child will always eat first.
"Fin, Grey would never think this is your fault, he'll blame himself, and it's Meela who will suffer. You'll need to talk to him once he wakes up. Tell him it's no one's fault, that bad thing happens to good wolves. I want to speak with your mother and tell her that it was her only choice and I would have done the same thing if I was put in her position." Taking the baby off of Victoria, giving her a burp placing her back on the other side I notice the way Victoria watches me handle the small baby as if wanting to do it all herself except she can't at the moment.
Once the baby settles down where she is almost asleep again, I take her off, burp her again. A quick change of bum and outfit so she smells fresh for her mother. Moving Victoria to the side of the bed her limbs are useless at the moment. I lay the baby in the middle of us while I am teetering on the edge of the mattress. Nuzzling into her neck, inhaling deeply of her strong scent that I haven't smelled in so many months is almost drunkenly intoxicating to my senses, I feel almost high with euphoria's bliss.
Victoria's inner thoughts are pressing into my mind, she feels as if she is the luckiest wolf. Her eyes so in love with the female beside her and
when she looks my way, those morning glory blues are vibrant with the love she feels for me. She's just staring at me as if she's back in that run down cottage looking through the hole in the roof imagining her life in the future. She feels completely satisfied; the hunger is gone, the wanting going away, the feeling of being unloved gone. She has everything she needs here in this room beside her, and for her, she is completed while I can feel as if I am being eaten alive by guilt.