Finian POV
Guilt-ridden eyes are mirroring the others. No words coming out of mouths just a second ago had so many sounds spilling out of them.
My stomach dips as if being dropped from a high place only to rest back down in a sickly realization that I have committed the ultimate sin against my brother, against my mate.
That gravitational pull towards this yellow-eyed wolf doesn't seem so powerful anymore.
The ebb of temptation gives way to the flow of reality.
I am no different than Victoria than Grey. Self-righteousness arrogance washing away being replaced with a sense of understanding how easy it is to act, to give yourself freely to another without thought of the consequences.
Bodies are pulling away, more space created between the two of us. My hands are lifting Meela off of my lap placing her beside me.
"I'm sorry Meela; that was a mistake. That should have never happened. I screwed up."
"It wasn't just you." Shame filled voice speaks out.
"It was me Meela; I should have known better. I'm the one in charge here; I'm the one that should have stopped it before it even began. I just couldn't stop it."
Awkward state of silence.
"It just felt so good for one moment I just wanted to feel good Fin, forget everything. I'm sorry I'm so weak." Her head hangs down not before looking at the empty whiskey bottle that's on the floor, a shadow darkening her light.
"It did feel incredible for a minute, but you're not Victoria, and I'm not Grey. It's not right what we did, but the blame falls on my shoulders Meela. Your mind isn't right at the moment, and I took advantage of the situation. When the time comes, I will explain all this to them."
"No, you can't take all the blame. It's not right." Her eyes that held the power of the sun now holds just a fading glow.
"If I don't Victoria will go for the kill, she will end you. Grey needs a mate to wake up to; he needs you by his side to heal. He's going to need you Meela. I'm just his brother, but you're his soul. I understand I will have to feel his wrath." Leaning my head back against the cushion of the couch closing my eyes, how I will even look in my brother's eyes and tell him what I did. All those years of him taking my fists because he felt he deserved it because I felt he deserved it.
Now, look at me, the hypocrite.
Shameful regret, internal remorse.
"Meela I think we should go back to our mates." Getting off the couch, giving her my hand to pull herself up with. It's still the same spark I feel with skin on skin except I don't want the fire it causes because it will only leave coal and ash in its wake.
Once outside looking down as I walk my shoulders feel heavy with the burden of self-discovery I have learned. I'm the dirty pig that now has to wallow in the aftermath of infidelity.
The betrayed tuned into the betrayer.
Meela veers right from the path we are walking on not continuing forward. "Where are you going?"
"I just need to be close to him for a little while. I don't want him to think he's all alone." Tears start to fill her eyes that now drip down one after the other. She starts to wipe them away using her sleeves.
"I think that he's being held in the arms of the moon, she has him. He's not alone Meela. My father has him I know he does, and your parents have him in their embrace." Her shoulders start to shake with the grief pounding through her body.
"Why Fin? Why couldn't he have lived?" Her hands are wrapping around her stomach as if trying to feel him still inside her.
"I don't know Meela."
Walking away following the shadowed path that will lead her to the dead. It's an eerie feeling I get that makes the hairs on my neck stand on end.
"Meela." Her body angles towards me.
"It's alright Fin. I just need some time out here alone. I'll be in soon. I'll feed her when she's ready for me." Watching Meela squeeze her eyes tight, jaw clenched as if the thought brings her physical pain to nurse something that's not her own.
Watching her walk away with a slow gait, shoulders are hunched with the powerful look of a heavy burden she's carrying on them. She looks unsteady on her feet, an almost trip before she rights herself.
This is so wrong on so many levels. Everything feels wrong.
Opening the door to Victoria's room Lana is there talking with the baby as if she can answer her back. The healer is laughing out loud while the pup's eyes are glued to her face watching, learning.
"Alpha Fin we were just having a hilarious conversation." She looks at the infant giving her a small cuddle before getting up handing her to me.
"Victoria needs to start increasing the feeding. I want you to take the night time feedings over from Meela. Are you going to be able to do it?" Looking down at the now restless pup in my arms who's face does not look happy with the change in routine. The first start of a cry rips through the small room. Her face scrunches up into a fury that is hard to stand up against.
"Stop." Lana is touching her forehead with just the tip of a finger. The current of power tingles my skin, stopping the crying instantly. I never realized she held so much unassuming strength.
"You need to show her who's boss or she will walk all over you. She's too little to understand what she's doing right now so you have to teach her that she can't just throw fits whenever she feels like it, she might hurt some unsuspecting wolf."
"She's a pup Lana? They do this." Lana starts laughing where tears are starting to come out of the corner of her eyes.
"You have no idea what you have in your arms do you? But you're right; she is just a pup for now, but in a blink of an eye, she will be the most powerful living creature this world will ever see. She needs to understand it's not always her way that there is a give and take." Ominous voice replaces laughing, dilating black irises consume the white before flashing back to the regular spring green.
The pup with no name just regards me with eyes that look like they are made of the blue ice that lives in the coldest part of the north.
"Look at her pout; cute isn't it?" Lana is giving her another stern look, trying to hold the smile from forming on her lips.
Why can't Victoria be up for this? I can't even explain this to her it's in the realm of the most bizarre.
When my eyes fall on Victoria's face, I notice a wisp of the softest pink on her cheeks. Her yellowing color still there but the rot is less pronounced. More of a vibrant stink.
How do I ever begin to tell her what I've done?
Constriction, invisible hands around my throat squeezing my airway closed, not being able to pull in the air.
My pious sermons throughout the years, shouting out my self-righteous indignation to her, to make her feel worthless, to make her feel dirty, to make her feel like a whore. I have just done the same thing that I have been preaching against.
My hypocrisy knows no bounds.
"Are you feeling alright Alpha Fin?"
"I've done something very wrong today, Lana."
"You've been wrong for a very long time, what makes today stand out in your mind from any other day?" Her face is serious, no joking. What she just said she actually believes.
"I overstep my boundaries."
"You've been overstepping boundaries for a very long time, again what makes today so special?" Her voice taking on a serious note. Her ear angled towards me leaning slightly in as if not to miss anything I say.
"I kissed Meela."
"Well, that changes things doesn't it?"
"It does."
"So kissing Meela has made you what? Feel some remorse? Feel something that doesn't sit well in your stomach?"
"I feel guilty, disgusted with myself." Telling her the truth.
"Well, I think those are real feelings to learn from. I'm not sure you're used to feeling those kinds of emotions are you, Alpha? Her words are meant for me to answer her.
"No, I'm not used to these feelings."
"Just think what you are feeling this day is what those two have been feeling for a very long time. It's sad that they were made to feel disgusting with the way you felt. Now you will have to eat your words, live your actions. They will not have mercy on you. If you can dish it out, you can take it in. Be prepared to fight the hard fight, she will not make it easy on you, neither will your brother. Be a leader that you have the potential to be. Learn from this, grow from it and become a better wolf because of the experience gained."
Blowing out a big breath of air doesn't do anything to relieve my conscious.
"What's done is done. You can't fix the past even if it was an hour ago; you need to understand the mistake to never repeat it again." Looking at me trying to see if words have meaning to sway my future.
"Alpha Fin remember after midnight is for that pup's mother to feed her. She needs to nurse every two hours to get her milk supply up to where it needs to be. Don't let Victoria down with this it's your responsibility to make sure this is done. Also, it lets Meela rest during the night and
gradually ease her milk production down, so she doesn't hurt when the pup no longer needs her." Now a hard look my way.
Lana leaves almost as if she is a whirlwind of vapor before closing the door behind her. The pup in my arms starts to fuss giving me the eye. A mouth opens to cry, and I give her a raised eyebrow as if daring her to do it.
She settles into the blankets turning her head from me, so her little nose is pressed against the white fur that is keeping her warm. Once she is sleeping soundly, I put her back into the plastic box that is kept warm just for her tiny body when no one is holding her.
Getting out the wash basin it's time for Victoria to get cleaned up, it's meticulous getting every inch of her skin clean. I just wish I could clean myself, wipe away my filth except mine is on the inside and not the outside.
Once complete and her bedding is changed. It's time for me to relax until the baby starts to cry her hunger pains. A quick check of her diaper she has murdered the inside of it, dark mustard carnage. With the use of most of the wipes, I change her to the best of my abilities.
Needing to wash my hands because I have shit all over them. She's left screaming more and more red-faced anguish. I feel like crying right along side with her.
Wrapping the white fur around the tiny body, then another blanket I go to Grey's room to try and find Meela.
No one is in there, he's all alone. No one keeping a bedside vigil. His eyes are closed, yet I still can't meet them. Turning away my guilt ridden eyes, he stepped into teeth for me, and I repay him with who I really am. Searching the rest of the facility for Meela, she is nowhere in sight.
It's a hard lump that's lodged in the middle of my throat; I have to spit when I get outside because I can't swallow down my disgust.
Walking the path she was on earlier, I find her at the grave. She's laying on the fresh mound of dirt. Her cheek pressed into the earth; hands dug into the ground as if she's trying to bury herself up with the dead. Eyes are open but vacant; she's not even blinking.
"Meela?" No response, not any movement she's as still as Grey.
"Meela." My breath leaves me again; this is a pitiful sight.
She doesn't acknowledge me until she hears the whimpers of my female. Her head lifts up, mud sticks to her cheek, against her lips. No more tears come out of eyes that look lost. She doesn't get off the ground, so I kneel down to her. She wraps her arms around me, taking in my smell. I let her, this is what she needs. So I let her take in my scent to ease her suffering for a few minutes of lets play pretend until she can pull away and focus on the now instead of what's in the ground.
"I'm sorry Fin." She stands trying to take the baby from my arms. I don't let her; she's not stable enough to handle her and walk at the same time. So I give Meela my arm which she wraps her hands around. Leading her forward away from something that can't be brought back, no amount of praying can fix what's buried deep inside the tomb of the earth.
I can be what she needs, just not what she wants.