Posted: July 9th, 2017 | Edited: November 13, 2019
The last day of the shoot came sooner than I wanted it to. I missed the first day since Arnav claimed I was 'sick'. The second day had been tough with the gossips I kept catching. Apparently, word had spread that Arnav had answered my phone and now, they were all making all sorts of speculations. I didn't think anyone was there but that same night, someone had spotted me and Arnav by his door when he had... kissed my cheek. They must have also seen me going back to his room which added fire to the gossips.
I didn't let it get to me, ofcourse. This time, I knew better. I wasn't the same immature teenager from college. I wasn't going to react the same way, but it didn't make it easier to ignore them. Eventually, I had let Payal deal with the models. Honestly, my job was to simply design the dresses. I was not the stylist. If I didn't have to be featured on the back cover of the calendar, I wouldn't even be here.
Payal rushed me, "Come on, Khushi. Go change. Felix is already unhappy with running being behind schedule."
It made no sense. "How are we behind?"
Payal shrugged her shoulders, "He's a control freak when it comes to getting things done on time. Just go change into your outfit so we don't have to deal with any more of his temper tantrums."
"I swear, he can give Arnav a run for his money." I muttered. I used to think Arnav was hardcore when it came to business. But, no. Felix took that to another level. This man had no chill.
Payal sat in the chair opposite mines and gave me a concerned look, "Khushi, you know what people are saying, right?"
"About?"
"You and ASR, Khushi." She clarified, "I'm saying this because I consider us friends. He's our boss. And from what I see, you're engaged and I don't think you're the type to get yourself involved in office drama. So what are you doing calling him by his name and being so casual around him? You're not helping yourself. You know how our society is. They're not going to give him a tough time because they're scared of him and he is the boss and a guy, but the more this continues, the tougher it could be for you."
I smiled at her and assured, taking the dress from her, "Payal, really, thanks for looking out for me, but you don't have to worry about me. I'll see you in a few." I could tell that she wanted to argue and wasn't convinced that I had a handle on it, but I still got up to leave for the changing room in the studio.
I observed the dress. No, scratch that. Calling it a dress would be wrong. It was a saree. I leaned against the door, feeling helpless. I couldn't wear a saree. I had never worn one in my life. Why? I looked up at the ceiling as if questioning some higher being for the turmoil's He kept putting me through.
At the knock on the door, I assumed it was Payal checking up on how much longer I would take. "Just a minute, Payal."
"It's me." Feeling a glimmer of hope, I moved away from the door and opened it. Arnav's eyes roamed at what I was wearing, the business pants from earlier and a top. I grabbed his arm before he could question why I hadn't changed yet and dragged him inside. "What the..."
"Hush." I silenced him, locking the door again.
He crossed his arms over his chest, raising a brow at my actions, "Why aren't you changed yet?" He still asked the question I didn't want him to.
I took the hanger where the saree was, and pushed it against his chest, "One, it's a saree. I've never worn a saree in my life before. Two, I have no knowledge about make-up. I don't want my face to be all caked up. Three, why do I have to be featured? I don't get it. The name of AR designs will be on it. Isn't that enough? I don't need the credit. I mean, I do work for the fashion house. The world doesn't need to know what I look like."
"Have you noticed how it's always 'three' things with you?" He questioned, making me knit my brows together. What? He shook his head seeing I had no idea what he was talking about, "Never mind. Khushi, I don't see the problem here. If you don't know how to wear a saree, just ask di. For make-up, I'm sure Lavanya wouldn't mind helping either. There is Jenni too. And what is the real problem behind the shoot? We've always had our designers featured in anything we put together. It's not about taking credit for the fashion house, but also for others to recognize our designers. You may work for AR, but at the end of the day, it's your work. And this is just the calendar shoot. We'll also be having the launch party where you are going to have to walk the ramp when the dresses are revealed."
"No. Hell to the no. It is not happening."
He tilted his head to the side, "Khushi, come on. You know how the fashion industry works. You majored in it."
I exhaled, because he was right. Damn it. Why did he have to be right all the flipping time?! I'd known this for years, but yet, when it was actually happening, I was chickening out, but in my defense, I hadn't thought I would be reaching this milestone so early in my career. I wasn't prepared for this and at the same time, I knew. I needed to stop turning away from things that initially seemed intimidating. I used to love taking on challenges before. Though I try a lot, why couldn't I just find a glimpse of my old self in the present?
Carefully, he took a step towards me and placed his hands on my either shoulder. He waited for me to meet his eyes before advising, "You don't have to worry about anything, sweet pea. Don't think about posing for camera or flashes or anything else. If anything scares you, just look at me. I'll be right there."
His words were meant to be ones of comfort, and they would be... except for the fact that I would have to look at him when out there. How could I ever explain it to him? Every time I looked at him, into his eyes, a warm fuzzy feeling started erupting everywhere in my body and I tended to forget about everything else. It would be just the two of us. And that... was dangerous.
So? Why are you fighting it, Khushi? You already know you love him. You even said it to him.
Alas, it wasn't simple. Loving him and following through on those words were two different things. So far, I've only loved him from afar. All we had were words exchanged and emotional intimacy. Handling physical intimacy as well... I didn't know if I could.
He snapped his fingers in front of my eyes. I blinked, returning from my thoughts. He smiled, as if knowing I had been miles away, "Really, sweet pea. Live in the present and try to not overthink everything. The second you start overthinking, the problems will begin."
I muttered. "Easier said than done."
He knew it too and didn't take offense. Instead, he informed with a light squeeze on my shoulder, "I'll send in the cavalry."
I watched him leave. Cavalry? Then my brain caught up once the lingering sensation of his hand on my shoulders starting to fade. He meant Anjali and Lavanya. I figured I could put on the blouse while they got here so they only had to drape the saree and help me with make-up. The most I had ever cared to learn was how to apply eyeliner on the upper eye. I put on Chap-stick regularly, so I figured applying lipstick or gloss would be manageable. Even a child can learn that. Right? Sure, they might make a mess, but I know how to color within the lines. But the highlights and foundations and concealers and whatever else that went along... I had no idea, and I honestly hated the idea of putting those layers on my face.
But, the way Felix had been with the models, I knew he would expect the same of me.
Even being Arnav Singh Raizada's fiancé wasn't going to save me from Felix's anger.
There was another knock on the door, and I knew this time it would be the girls. I let them in.
"We have roughly ten minutes before Felix blows the roof off this place." Lavanya commented as she rushed in and went straight for the mirror to dump the make-up products from the bag she had carried in with her on the dresser counter.
Anjali offered me an assuring smile before unfolding the saree and starting to work on draping it. I caught her eyes stop over my scar, but she didn't say anything. She moved the pleats to the other shoulder so the cloth would better hide it.
"Thanks, di." I said.
She placed her palm on my head, giving another understanding smile. We hadn't truly had a conversation about our past, but it had been silently understood. Though, I knew... one of these days, we would talk about it. It was just a relief to know there was no pressure anymore. Everything was out in the open. There were no more secrets weighing in in anyone's shoulders.
Lavanya then made me sit on the chair as she worked. Mostly in silence, but casually scolding me to not blink too much, or move my eyes when she'd asked me to close my eyes so she could do eyeliner and eyeshadow. At the same time, Jennifer took it on herself to give me tips on how to pose and work the camera. To not take Felix's bullshit and every single command to heart because he was a perfectionist who would never be satisfied. I am glad they were here for me to rely on. The only problem? Rather than being assured, Jennifer was unintentionally rising my anxiety levels.
Anjali caught on, however, and put an end to it. "Alright, that's good enough."
It's official. I love Anjali.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
Click. Click. Click.
I force myself to not run for the hills. I hated the sound of camera's shutter clicking every few seconds. Felix must have taken a bunch of bursts, but he was still not satisfied. He kept moving the lights, the angles and telling me to face one direction or the other. I felt like a puppet and I despised the particular feeling.
I blinked away from the camera when I caught a glimpse of Arnav walking up from behind Felix. Catching his eyes tranced on me caused my breath to hitch for a second. The attraction had always been there, but it was just now that I was starting to acknowledge it. Before, I had enough things on my mind to keep me occupied. His eyes traveled from my eyes to my foot and back to my face, essentially checking me out. I started feeling heat creeping up the back of my neck.
Look away, Khushi.
I tried, only so that heat wouldn't rise to my cheek and make it obvious. But, how could I? He was looking at me as if I was the only one present here. The flashes no longer bothered me. Heck. He was right earlier. I just had to look at him, and everything else stopped bothering me. With a fresh breath, inhaling through every ounce of me, I released all the tensed muscles I had been holding back, being uncomfortable as the center of attention while Felix captured shots.
Arnav must have noticed my shoulders relaxing as he offered me a small smile with softening eyes. People here might not know it or even have noticed, but even from a distance, I did. It was one look he always saved for family... for me. He had never quite lost his patience with me. I found myself returning his smile before I blinked back to focus on Felix who had asked me to turn and face the other side for another side profile.
A couple more shots later, Felix suggested, "Okay, I think we have enough in this outfit. Why don't you change, love?"
"Khushi. My name is Khushi." I snapped at him, though a bit relieved I get to change. Hopefully, the next outfit will be better. I caught Arnav hiding an amused smile, and I have a pretty good idea why. Who else knows better than him that I hate endearments? I had given him a tough time in the starting. While I didn't allow anyone else, still, I had grown used to his.
I don't know why he calls me that but still. That night just after I had told him to talk to di, I wanted to ask but then decided to ask later so he could go talk to Anjali first. One day soon, I'll ask him why.
The first thing I did was take off the platform heels I had to wear. Carrying it, I walked back to the changing room while Felix ordered his team to change the lightings and backdrop for the next shoot.
Arnav slyly came up to me, whispering in my ear standing a step behind me, "If you couldn't tell earlier, that was me appreciating how beautiful you look in a saree."
I slightly bumped my shoulder in his chest for teasing me, "Shut up."
Though I have to make a note of this... of him verbalizing his actions rather than letting them be implied.
He laughed and I turned my head sideways to look at him. He was about to add something else when he instead smiled and walked away. Glancing ahead, I understood why. Lavanya walked towards me, "I thought you'd need help unpinning the saree and changing into the next outfit."
"Yeah, thanks." I was surely going to need help. I could take off the pin on my shoulder, but I couldn't reach the ones in the back.
While she helped, she commented, "I think the calendar is going to come out really good. Maybe the best we've ever had."
I agreed, "I hope so too. The outfits all looked great on the models." As she was pulling out the pins safely, I had to ask. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Why didn't you like me at first?"
She blinked up at me, looking through the mirror's reflection before taking out the pin on the blouse and answered, "You weren't making it easy for Arnav. He's my best friend, Khushi. I didn't like seeing him hurting. Two years... he spent two years doing nothing but blaming himself, living in hell. I'm not saying it was any easier for you or anything, but from where I stood, he's always been there for you and all you kept doing was treat him like crap. So, I don't know, I was just mad at you for not seeing that you weren't the only one hurting."
I did understand and accept all of that now. Since Anjali had talked to me, I had realized how self-involved I was. "So, you weren't jealous?"
As if catching on my unsaid question, she held my gaze as if to convey her sincerity, "Khushi, I won't lie to you. Full disclosure. At one point, years ago when I first met him, I did like him. You can call it a crush as we were in early teens then, but nothing happened of it. I knew the most he saw me as was a friend, and that meant something as he isn't one to keep a lot of friends. All my life, everyone has always just... left. Abandoned me. But Arnav, since day one, he's been there for me. He's always understood me without me having to say anything. So when he needed me for once, I didn't need to think twice. Even when he hadn't asked. And now... we do have a complicated thing going with Aarav, but still, we're best friends. The only one I have ever had. He hasn't looked at me as anything else ever, and I haven't had any romantic feelings for him for years. I moved on, even before Aarav came along."
I'd always wondered about their equation, and this clears it all up. Years ago, the day after he first took me to the shelter, I had asked him about her having heard her name. He had told me she was his best friend, and I shouldn't believe whatever Kripa told me. I had believed he had lied when a few months later, he had brought Lavanya to Valentines night party as his date. Even when we had gone camping a few weeks ago, I had thought Arnav, Lavanya and Aarav made the perfect family. Now, I knew for sure that he had always been honest with me. Arnav and Lavanya were the perfect definition of best friends and Aarav is just yet another link that kept that friendship going. Now I felt silly for having asked her, but it's definitely nice knowing once and for all.
Her next comment pulled me out of my head, "Now, if you thought Arnav couldn't keep his eyes from you seeing you in that saree, wait till he sees you in this."
I wondered what she meant, but only for a passing second as she unzipped the cover around the hanger holding the outfit. I gaped at the sheer white material of the dress.
No, again, a correction. It wasn't just any dress.
It was a wedding dress.
With the whole she-bang. A fitted bodice. The train. The plunging V neck.
I gulped and said without holding back on the hostility, "Who the hell designed this?"
"I did," she proudly informed. "So choose your next words very carefully."
I stared between her and the outfit she was holding up. Where do I even start? How do I process what was in front of me. Only I knew how I felt in that saree the whole time. I cannot do this.
No, Khushi. I scolded myself to stop that negative train of thoughts there itself. I needed to stop being a pessimist. I needed to start think positively and only if I told myself that I could do it, then will I be able to even give it a try.
I grumbled snatching the hanger from her hand. "I like you, Lavanya, but I hate you right now."
She exhaled, as if knowing that is all I would say under the circumstance. That irritation towards her faded a pinch when she added - once again, sounding utterly genuine. "I am sorry. I didn't originally know you would be wearing it. It was designed and confirmed to be used for the cover long before you even joined AR. Or atleast long before I knew you had joined AR."
I suppose it was not her fault. She was no seer who could tell the future. Still, it didn't help my current dilemma.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
My stomach was curdling and I could feel my lunch churning. It felt as if ants were crawling all over my skin. I kept trying to push back. To fight the urge to tear the dress off my skin. The bodice was hugging me everywhere and I just couldn't. Even as I stood on wobbling knees under the lights and in front of Felix's camera. I couldn't stop feeling self-conscious. All the progress I thought I had made the last photo shoot with the saree about being able to face the camera came crashing down.
Having Arnav standing there didn't help either. I could tell he was uncomfortable too, watching from afar. His soothing eyes wanting to reach out and comfort me that I didn't need to panic. And I hated that it didn't change how I felt.
I just don't think I am ready for this.
I heard Felix bark some command but I failed to process it. My attention was on the feeling inside my body. My lunch, in particular, threatening to come out. This time, rather than slipping into my past, I pressed my palm over my mouth and rushed out of there, straight into the restroom.
Seconds after, someone walked inside as I was leaned over the sink. I thought I would vomit the way I had to run in here, but no. It was those nerves at the pit of my stomach, refusing to let me breathe freely.
I opened my eyes to stare at Anjali's reflection in the mirror. I could see the emotion turning in her eyes. The look of recognition. Of understanding. One damaged soul to another. The last few days had been draining and I thought it was all out of my system, but one look at her brought back the tears. I thought I was all out of them, but no. Whirling around to face her, I crossed the distance between us in one step and threw my arms around her just as hers wrapped around me too.
"It's okay, Khushi." Her calm voice along with her hand on my back soothed me. "Let it all out. It's okay."
And for some reason, hearing the strain in her voice that was trying to hide broke a whole another dam inside of me. My shoulders shook as a fiery wet trail made its way down my cheeks.
This invisible cage I felt around me. Will we never be free of this?
I felt her unzip the back of the dress. Cool air nipped my bare skin, but it also allowed me the freedom to breathe.
As if in sync with my inner thoughts, she cooed in my ear. "Just breathe. That's it."
We must have stood like that for long minutes. My body, just numb. My brain, empty. Processing nothing. No thoughts. It was just all of the pain I had locked up inside. I think, for the first time, I was actually embracing this pain and accepting it for what it was rather than using it to just go on in life, living in pain.
I didn't need to keep living in this pain. No. I controlled it. No one else. I had been choosing to stay broken. And it was no longer okay. There were people in my life who deserved better. There was Aarav whom we all had to think about and protect. If not for myself, I had to be stronger. The strongest I had ever been. As Anjali di just said, I had to get it all off my chest. Pluck it out from the root.
I needed to stop being the victim. I needed to be the survivor. We all did.
After forever, when I felt the energy to pull back, I loosened my hold around her. Catching the cue, she leaned back. Her hands shifted to cup my face, her thumb clearing my cheeks of the wet stains. "Better?"
I nodded with a sniff.
She smiles back softly, pushing back a strand of loose hair falling out of my bun. "Come on, let's get you out of this dress. You don't have to do this."
I thought I would have appreciated it and jumped at the chance. But, I surprised both of us by resisting. "No. I have to do this."
"No, you don't have to. Don't worry about the rules and the contract. I won't let you go through something that rattles you like this."
With my shaking hand, I reached forward to squeeze hers. "It's not that. I'm not worried about the contract."
"Then what?" Her forehead scrunched, lost.
"You're on my side, right?" I asked, innocently.
She placed her free hand on my cheek, confirming. "Ofcourse, Khushi. You are never alone."
I smiled through the emotional baggage, "Then it's all I need. I can do this."
She still had her doubts. "But..."
I assured her, "Thank you, di, really, but I need to do this. For both of us."
The later comment had her speechless, and I doubt that was often the case. She is naturally so put together. She might not see it in herself, but she wears confidence as her shield. And as someone years younger than her, I have come to idolize that about her. It's even a source of inspiration. She has put together her life in bits and pieces over the years, turned her talent into a business and a successful label even when her personal life was in shackles, and faced her past in the eyes every day in the form of Aarav and come to love him.
The pieces that are still left to be put together, we'll do it together.
I squeezed her hand again, mimicking her usual confidence. "I can do this."
So much as fifteen minutes ago, the thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind. But now, I returned with a firmer belief in myself.
I added with a lighter tone, "Now, Lavanya's made this beautiful dress. Let's not let it go to waste."
I might not know Lavanya all that well still, but I would like to think that she'd be proud of me for facing things for once rather than running.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
The last day in Rome, I returned to the hotel room, all worn out. The very first thing I did was drop on the bed. Well, not on my bed in the room which I was supposed to be sharing with Lavanya and Aarav. I had gone straight to Arnav's room and dropped on his bed.
Arnav shook his head seeing my state. One can only imagine how much crap I put up with. He got up and dropped on the bed, next to me, plopping his head in his palm, his elbow holding him up. "Tough day?"
I groaned, "Don't ask." A few seconds of silence later, I exhaled and opened my eyes, to look to my side. Arnav's face was right in front of me. Seeing how close it was, my breath hitched in my chest. The moment wasn't just any other conversation anymore. It had gotten intense abruptly.
I was unable to move when Arnav leaned in. The last two days, being busy with the layout and choosing one shot from hundreds of shots for each dress, we hadn't had much alone time. He had a lot of executive decisions to make and everyone was always pulling him in one direction or the other. I'd almost forgotten all the moments during our baking session, until this moment. They all rushed back. The feelings. His arms around me. His chin on my shoulder. His face leaning in when he threatened to kiss me. The quick kiss in the morning on my cheek. The hug the night before. The elevator ride.
His free hand tucked a strand of my hair falling on my forehead behind my ear. His mind seemed to be far away. Lately, I had no idea what to think. Did he know what he was doing? How it affected me? His face continued to lean closer, his gaze dropping to my lips.
Just the thought of how his lips would feel like on mines had my heart pounding out my chest. I forced my eyes back to look into his, and they were diluted. That look felt dangerous as his remained fixed on my lips. I had to stop him, but my throat was dry. I couldn't say anything. I felt numb. Immobilized. Unable to pull away.
My lips parted as I chanted in my head. Breathe in, breathe out... breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in... Oh hell. It wasn't working. I fought the numbness and placed my hand on his chest in an attempt to put distance between us. I was then able to croak out in a hoarse voice. "Arnav..."
Hearing my voice seemed to snap him out of his trance and he blinked. He shut his eyes, understanding dawning that he had overdone it this time. "Sorry." He apologized barely in a whisper and sat up before he would do anything else from his end.
Before he would walk away, I circled my hand around his wrist. "Arnav, wait." I had to say something before things between us would get estranged and he would beat himself up for what could have just happened.
Without looking back at me, he tried to assure me. "Khushi, it's okay. You don't have to say anything. I shouldn't have..."
"It's not your fault." I cut him off, "It's mine, so stop trying to apologize. You haven't done anything that wasn't... right."
I had no better word to place it. I was close to saying 'expected of him', but then thought better of it in case he would take it as me judging him based on his actions in the past. That was not the case at all. He had never made me feel that he thought of me the same as any other girls he was with during college.
"Let me try to explain?" I asked, wanting him to know. He slowly nodded, urging me to go on. "I tell myself that it's okay... that you wouldn't hurt me... that I don't have to be scared of you. I don't want to be scared when you do. But... I told you before, Arnav. My body. It sometimes just reacts like that when you do something you haven't before. I don't know why, it just does that. I can't help it. I've never had to worry about having anything physical with you, but now that things have changed, sometimes you take me by surprise. When I don't know how to react, my body just kind of takes over."
After I paused rambling on, I let out a deep breath feeling a lot relaxed having said it all. He lifted my chin to have me look at him. "Can you do something for me?"
I nodded instantly. "Yeah, anything." I didn't like the thought that he always had to worry if he had overstepped, or ask all the time, or unintentionally touch me and then apologize and feel guilty.
He smirked, "Not just yet."
It took a few seconds for his double meaning to register. I slapped his hand off of my chin, trying not to blush, "That's not what I meant."
He laughed. "I know." Then getting serious, he continued, "If ever in future... if... will you let me know when..." He was fumbling for words, unable to find the right ones. Or, perhaps he knew them but was hesitant in speaking them aloud.
I got what he was trying to say though. "If your advance scares me, then I will let you know, Arnav."
I actually surprised myself by saying it in a full sentence without any sort of fumbles or awkwardness.
He offered a weak smile. "You should freshen up. I plan on taking you out for dinner."
"You do?" That's a a pleasant change in conversation.
"Ofcourse. We're in Rome, sweet pea. Capital of Italy. There's no way I'm going back without having Pizza."
Okay, I remember saying I could never get tired of always having pizza for dinner with him. But I may have to put a limit on that number, else he is never going to take me out for any other cuisine. This time, however, I don't say anything. He does have a point. When in Italy, one simply has to have pizza atleast once.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .