The Letter
Feeling quite disconcerted this morning, after my night of soul bearing to Ashley. In the form, of verbal ramblings and tears. I got ready for the day and went straight to the stables. I gave Night his treat. A juicy red apple, that I took off the bench in the kitchen on my way past. And then, went through the motions of saddling him. Without delay, I left the stables and the Townshend estate, needing to know a freedom that only riding my horse could give me. I was sorely going to miss him. Maybe I would be able to send for him at a later date. I hadn’t even discussed these things with Lady Townshend yet. Choosing the path of sulking last night instead. I wondered if Ashley would know. The affection she had for her horse was just as strong as mine.
I must have done a full circle of some kind. Because I found myself back at mama, and baby Allen’s grave sites. I hadn’t paid my visits so closely together, for some time. I slid off Night and went to kneel in front of mama.
“I think I’m leaving for good mama. I don’t want to go, not now. I don’t think I know how I feel about leaving you here. At least you’ll have Allen I suppose.” I let out a breath. “Actually I don’t think I ever want to go. Ashley is making sure I follow through with our little pact, to stay together. It’s extremely unfair of her, I think.”
I paused in my conversation with mama for a moment. And I reflexed on the two little girls full of dreams, thinking I was right not to want to grow up back then. Growing up had been very painful indeed. And then my thoughts went to Pa. “I don’t understand why he doesn’t write to me, himself.” I took in a ragged breath, and then I then I continued, wanting to tell mama all that was in my heart. “I think I may have feelings for Will. The way my heart has fluttered at his mere gaze in the last few days, and when he held me yesterday, oh mama." I sighed. "Even through my distress I have small blossoms of affection in my thoughts for him. But I know he couldn’t want me, I am not a Lady.” I looked beyond mama’s grave to the hills in the distance. I thoughtfully continued. “I’m not coming back here mama. So this is goodbye ok. I couldn’t bear to come here again. “The tears started to trickle down my face. “I’ll miss you and love you forever. But do not worry, you led your life so well, that you even left me in the best hands possible. Lady Townshend has been a loyal friend to you even through your death.” I shuffled myself along the ground till I was closer to the head stone. I then hugged it. I went over to Baby Allen’s and did the same thing. I held onto the cold symbol that marked his passing, and cried.
After I had exhausted my tears once again, I roused myself, and took up Nights reigns and led him back to the manor slowly strolling beside him.
As I reached the stables, I could see Will and Nathan talking. I noticed Will had to do a double take, to register that it was me approaching. He started walking in my direction, and when he reached me, he took Nights reins from my hands and took over the role of leading my horse.
“I have to confess, I was worried you had left Payton, You should have told someone you had gone. When cook came up and found the stove cold, she thought you might be ill. And I had come in search of you, when cook told me that you hadn’t stared the stove, and you weren’t in your room. I thought I might have to go in search of you throughout the countryside.”
“I’m sorry for worrying you Will, it was not my intention, and I simply had to get away for a while.” I replied flatly.
When we reached the stables, Will handed Night over to Nathan. I gave him a nod in greeting; I had no strength to be cheerful today. He sensed my mood, nodded back and continued to lead Night away.
“Would you walk with me Payt?” Will askd as he turned to me.
“Yes.” He turned me toward the tree, and together we walked to our childhood playground. Once we were under the blanket of leaves, Will pointed to the ground ushering me to sit, then he lowered himself down next to me.
“You look as though, you have been crying again.” Will Stated
“Yes I have, I said good bye to mama just before.”
“You say that like you’re not coming back.”
“I just wanted to make sure, in case I didn’t, what if the ship sinks.” I gave him a wry smile.
“That isn’t funny Payt.” He said with a light laugh. “So would there be nothing to come back to then, if you left here?”
I threw that question around in my head for a time, and then replied with considerable caution. “This will always be my home. I would always want to come back.”
“You said that you wanted to stay here with me, why is that may I ask?” Will pulled his knee up and rested his arm on it, then started to pick up leaves to play with them, with his other hand.
“I don’t want to go Will, and staying here with you isn’t a second choice. It is my choice.” I declared as I looked at him. “Why do you ask Will?”
“Well I was just wanting to know if it were because, this place” he gestured around him with his hand. “Was safe for you. Or is it because, you are still mad at your pa. Staying here would be an effective way to punish him for not coming back.” He looked at me. I knew that these Townshends knew me better than I knew myself. Then he asked. “Or, if by chance, it, were because you wanted to stay with me.”
“Well, yes Will I wanted to stay with you.” I replied a little puzzled. Didn’t I ask him a few times yesterday if I could stay with him?
He laughed with his face turned away from me. “No Payt, I mean.” He ran his hand through his hair. A habit I found quite endearing. “I meant, would you want to stay because of me?”
Well that wasn't what I was expecting. I stared at his handsome face. Not sure what to say, because I wasn’t so sure if I wanted this type of relationship to develop before I left. “Will I…” I didn’t have a chance to say anything before I felt soft, masculine lips upon mine. It was so gentle, my breath hitched at first, and then my lips softened against the firm, tender touch of Will’s. I felt his hand on my cheek. He pressed his mouth to mine with a little more pressure and then pulled away. I raised my hand to my mouth. The sensation he left behind made my cheeks flame, with no doubt, a lovely shade red. He ran his hand down from my cheek, to finish his trace with only his thumb running over my jaw bone. And his fingers were slightly caressing the back of my neck. I closed my eyes for a moment, revelling in his touch.
My thoughts were gone, Will took them from me with his show of affection. This couldn't be, Will, dare i say it, 'liked me', well he liked me enough to kiss me. I wasn't vastly experienced, when it came to accepting the intimate affections of a male. I was glad though, that it was my beloved Will who bestowed me my first glimps. My Will, the idea didnt sound so terrible as it went around my mind. Havn't I after all, admired this man for my whole life. A kiss, if i thought his simple act of holding my hand was romantic, this made my fancies fly. But what to say, my eyes fluttered open, and there, he was. I opened my mouth to speak, but Will gestured with his hand that i needn't worry.
“You don’t have to answer; I just wanted you to know.” I knew what he was saying. And the knowledge made my insides feel warm.
“Are you sure your coming Will?” I needed to make sure that he was going to follow us across the ocean.
“Yes Payton I never deny father, you know this.” He pulled his hand away, and reached behind him, to pull out an envelope. I didn’t see it tucked into his breeches. “Here, this came for you, it’s why I came searching for you, before I ran into cook. I wanted to give it to you, myself. He handed me over the letter with my name clearly written upon it, in my Pa’s hand.
“I want you to read it.” I said as I pushed the letter back toward him.
“Are you sure Payt, it could be very personal.”
“Yes, but I want you to read it.”
I heard the crinkling of paper as I settled my sites out over the river water. The river had always calmed me. My back was now slightly facing Will, but I couldn’t watch him while he read.
“Ok, tell me to stop if you need.” I nodded that I heard what he said. Will proceeded to read, what my pa had so graciously decided to note down for me. Although the envelope looked rather thick, maybe he did have something reasonable to say this time, except ‘hi how are you, hope your well.’ I heard Wills smooth, masculine voice start my Pa’s letter.
Dearest Payton,
I know that it’s been a long time between letters; I have no excuses for that. Let me begin by telling you that we are all doing exceptionally well. I have decided to settle us on a large island called Van Diemen’s Land; it’s to the south of the main continent of Australia. Do you remember me once telling you that, that is where we were headed? In the first few years, we were seeing the tail end of trouble with the natives. But as time has gone on there has been a small township that has emerged, being named, Hobart town. We decided to stay close to where Charlie was seeing out his two year sentence. Thanks to Lord Sydneys connections, he didnt have to serve the entire seven. And during that time we fell in love with the land. After the first year with Charlie in Port Arthur, he was able to finish his last year helping free settlers build their homes. Because Nash and I were free settlers, we had Charlie assigned to us. Nash and I were granted 100 acres of land, two hours from the township. And it’s been there that we have carved out our life, now ready for you to come to us. When Charlie got his ticket of leave, we had Lord Townshend bring over some English horses. We have been quite successful in breeding some fine animals, but essentially we have become farmers.
Payton, there are not many words that I can say, to explain the reasons why I couldn’t return. Your mother was my life, losing her nearly killed me too. If it wasn’t for the worry of Charlie and surviving out here in this wild country to keep me sane, I would have broken, myself. I would never have left you if I hadn’t been assured, by Lord Townshend that you would be looked after. And, it is my deepest wish that you have been. As the years have passed, I found it increasingly harder to reach out to you through the guilt of my neglect. My heart hurts to think that you may have suffered at my absence. Please forgive me, my dearest daughter.
I am ready for you now. I know that if you give me the chance I can be there for you again. We don’t have much, but in saying that, we have more than we had there. We are rich in land and labour, all we need is our heart, and that is you. Will you come and join us?
I hope and pray that you give me this chance as I will have your brother and Charlie blame me for the rest of my life, for not doing right by you. I hope to see you in the summer, in the meantime my heart has been with you always, and to be optimistic, I hope that you travel to us safely.
Your loving Pa
PS The boys say that you better come, because they miss you.
I felt Wills arms wrap around me from behind, I took his hands in mine and leaned back against him and cried. I cried in joy, and I cried in sorrow. I felt sad that my father couldn’t trust me enough, to think I couldn’t handle the harsh living he had mentioned. Sad to think that Pa had suffered at the loss of mama. I never seriously thought how deeply her loss would affect him, through my own grief and anger. In my heart, I couldn’t blame him for hurting at losing her. I was sorry that he felt he couldn't tell me of these things. I was sad that Charlie had to endure in a prison and all that entailed, for a whole year.
My joy was simple. Pa wanted me to come. And I would, I would pack up our lives here and go to him. I realized then, that I was only waiting for him to ask. I felt Will take one of his hands away and rub it down my arm.
“Are you ok no Payt?”
I took a moment to compose myself. I used the hankie that Will handed to me and cleaned myself up. I turned in the arms, that had encircled me and looked at Will. “I think I will give him a chance to redeem himself.” I said and laughed. I felt free for some reason, free from the feeling of thinking I was rejected by my father.
”That’s good Payton.” Will said laughing with me, at the relief that I was ok. Will rose to his feet and extended his hand to me. “My Lady.”
I giggled and placed my hand in his. After helping me rise, he placed a kiss upon my knuckles. I giggled like a little girl. Will then tucked my arm into his and began to lead me up the house. With his free hand, he was holding the letter from pa. He handed it over to me. I took it and held it to my heart. I looked into Wills eyes and smiled. Yes, now I had an adventure to look forward, not just a duty to obedience.