Told to leave
“Miss Payton?” Mary popped her head into the sitting room down stairs at the back of the house, where I had a dress laid out on the floor. I was trying to figure out what part of it, I wanted to keep. This particular room of the manor had large windows, and was warmed by the light coming through, and not used when guests came. It was good for the task I was attempting.
“Yes Mary?” I looked up at her from my position on the floor.
“Lady Townshend would like to see you in the study. Lord William and Ashley are already there waiting for you.” I wondered where Ashley went. Now I knew.
“Oh,” I stood up. “Well I best be going to them then.” With that, I got up and started toward the study. I had no idea what could be going on, but it must be serious if we had all been summoned by Lady Townshend.
When I entered the Study, I took in the scene before me. Lady Townshend was sitting behind the big desk. Ashley was sitting on a chaise, near the cold hearth. And William was standing by the same window, which Ashley and I once hid behind as children, to eves drop on adult conversations. I walked over to stand within a reasonable place, between everyone. “So whats this all about.” I said looking at them all in turn.
“Would you take a seat please Payton?” Lady Townshend said as she got up, and came around to stand in front of the desk. I went to sit near Ashley, and mouthed ‘what’s wrong?’ she just shrugged her shoulders. Well that made me feel better; at least I wasn’t the only one in the dark. “Ashley, Payton.” Lady Townshend started, then let out a sigh, and looked to her feet. It seemed as though she didn’t know where to start. “I’ve had word from Lord Townshend.”
Ah, I thought. This would be interesting. Lord Townshend had made it a habit, of traveling back and forth from Sydney to England every two years, since Ashley and I were twelve. That’s where he was right now. He didn’t go away because he liked to, on the contrary. Lord and Lady Townshend were very much in love, and certainly didn’t like being apart. But he had a flourishing shipping Business happening, from one port to the other, whether it, be paying passengers, goods, or both. He had to make the journey at least as often as he did. He would always bring word of Pa and Nash back for me, and of course, Charlie. But he was always a little vague. He was quite elusive toward me, not quite knowing what to say when speaking casually to me. Lord Townshend was a bit like that with his own children, so it didn't overly bother me. Although, i knew he loved me. It was a strange relationship i had with him. I looked at Ash, and then to Lady Townshend.
“He wishes for us all, to join him. He will not be coming home this year, as he has already arranged for us to go to him.” Lady Townshend and I locked eyes. I had a feeling that this had been mentioned to Lady Townshend before. Otherwise, she has had time to dwell on this.
“Oh, how exciting.” I felt Ashley pull on my arm, and then lightly clap her hands. “Isn’t it Payton, Oh we’ll get to see Father and Mr Martin…” Ashley looked at me, and stopped talking, as she saw the look on my face. I wasn't sure what she was seeing, because i wasn't sure how i felt. Was I portraying a look that was so bad? It must have been a little alarming, for Ash to stop mid sentence.
“Oh-Is that all, we are all just going to go and meet him?” I asked, not too politely.
“Yes Payton. It’s all arranged. We leave in a week, we want to catch the good weather at this end. As we get closer to Australia, im told it gets warmer.”
“So we don’t have a choice, we just have to go? Even Will? Does he Have to go?” Silence, I took that as my answer. “Right then, I’ll stay here with him.” I heard Will let out a long breath from over by the window.
“Payton, you’re coming, you’ll get to see, your pa!” Ashley squeaked.
“No,” I said shaking my head. “I think I’ll stay with Will.” I got up and walked over to Will. I stood right in front of him. “Will, can I stay here with you?” we looked at each other. I was pleading him, silently with the force of my gaze, to concent. He ran his hand through his hair and looked at his mother. “What, what is it Will.” I begged, I took a few steps and stood in front of him again. “Will please.” I said barely containing a strong emotion I couldn’t describe. I didn’t know where it was coming from or why. But in this moment, I did know that I didn’t want to leave. Why should I, be the one to leave?
“I’m going as well Payton, not when you do though. I’ll be about 2 months behind you. You can’t stay; I’ll be too busy organizing the estate for while I’m gone. And, I’m not leaving on one of Fathers ships. I’ll be going as a bounty passenger, or on the last convict ship for the year. Either one is not the kind of ship I’m willing to take you on, you’re a Lady, I’m sorry.”
“I’m not a lady, I’m just a person who used to work in this house, whose family has abandoned, and now you all want to do the same thing.” I looked at Will as I spoke the thoughts, that had been in the deepest part of my mind for eight, long years. Stirred only by the mention of my carefully built world being taken from me in a request-no, demand to leave it behind. I turned to see Ashley’s face in my line of vision. She walked to me, I met her half way, and she pulled me into her embrace. It somehow seemed that these Townshends, the ones that have stayed by me, and became my family, knew me better than i knew myself. And they were here for me now, again.
“Payton, it’s going to be ok. We’re not leaving you, you’re coming with us. We had a deal, If I leave, then you’re coming, remember?” Ashley patted my back like I did to the girls when they were sad. Was I sad? I know I felt panicked and on the verge of being extremely angry. I pulled back, a bit and looked at Ashley, my oldest friend, my sister. I could see it in her eyes, that she was digging deep, to a promise we both made as children.
“Why are you so excited to leave? We have everything we want here.” Ash didn’t let go of me, as she said.
“Nash.” So quietly, that only I could hear her. Nash, my brother. Ashley had long ago confessed that she loved my brother. I thought that all these years would have dulled the feelings of an infatuated young girl. Now that, she actually had a, very real chance at seeing him again, I just hoped that he would return her feelings. We had often talked about the possibility, that he might not. It didn’t seem to deter her now, I could tell by the look on her face. I nodded slightly and blinked my understanding. I hugged her back. After we let each other go, I turned to face Will. He opened his arms to me, and I stepped into them. I clung to him, as though, he was my life line, my anchor to a sane emotion. I didn’t want to leave. I could feel Will put his face into my hair, he took a deep breath. I whispered into his ear.
“I’m scared Will. It has been so long since they left me.” He pulled me tighter, to him. “Promise me, you will come; promise you follow as soon as you can.”
“I promise.” He answered without hesitation. His strong hold on my slender body felt secure and safe. I truly didn’t want him to let go. But I did let go, as I felt Will let go also. I took a step back and turned to Lady Townshend. “So there was no other news?” I asked her. I knew my hope was futile.
“No, I’m sorry Payton; the letter was quite straight forward. We’re to leave on Sunday to London and stay overnight there. Then sail out with the tide. I’m assured Captain Jeffries will see to it that, everything will be comfortable for our journey. He is one of Lord Townshends most trusted friends, as well as captain of the Mayland. He will be joining us here later in the week to escort us, and see that our belongings are secured on board personally.” She was directing her comments to both Ashley and myself. I assumed that Will already knew of this arrangement, remembering he met with Lady Townshend earlier.
“That all sounds so wonderful mother. “ Ash said as she clasped her hands to her heart. I could only imagine what was going through her mind. “Payton we have so much to do.” Ashley would be my rock I decided. I would cling to her to save me from this drowning feeling, that was threatening to take over my mind and soul.
“Well if were done here?” I asked quietly to everyone. “I’m going to retire.” And without hearing any objections, I approached Lady Townshend and gave her a quick hug. Then left as calmly as my feet would take me out of the room, and once out of their sight, I fled upstairs to the safety of my room.
“I’m not sure how she took that mother.” William said.
“I know son, but there’s not much we can do, she has to come.”
“Well I’m excited. I’ll help her get organized.” Ashley offered.
“Yes watch her Ashley; I’m not certain she won’t try to stay somehow. William you’re not to cater to her in any way, if she comes to you and asks for assistance in a venture like that.”
“I know mother. I’m not taking her with me on one of the ships I’m coming on. I have to admit, I’m dreading the thought, of the journey myself.”
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“Come in.” I said. It was unusually late. I missed supper, and as I laid there I could hear my own stomach talk to me. But I didn’t care. I had been laying here, on my bed for hours. Unable to bring myself to move, with the fear of falling apart. I angled my head, on my pillow, to see who was walking through my door, it was Ash. She came over to the bed; she had her hands full with something. I sat up to help her as she went to sit on the bed.
“I brought you hot milk and a muffin from this morning.” I took the mug Ash was offering, and then the muffin, freeing her to get comfortable on the bed with only her snack to worry about. “I thought you might want something, skipping supper isn’t going to make things better Payton.” I started sipping my milk it felt comforting, as I felt it run down smoothly down my throat. “Payton, please tell me what’s on your mind? I have an idea of what troubles you, but I thought you may be a little excited to see your family.”
“I do see my family, every day.” I began to nibble on my muffin. “Ashley, how, can I be excited about a father that hardly writes, and couldn’t even ask me to come himself. All these decisions keep being made for me. Without a regard, to how I feel. What if I wanted to marry, say, Lord Golding? I would that have mattered?"
“Eastly, you have Lord Eastly, remember?” I scoffed at her remark, and then gave her a slight smile.
“Fine then-Lord Eastly. But no, it’s, you will come. You will leave your home, and all you know, and join me. Because, I’m ready now.’ I said in a low, deep voice, trying to impersonate my father. Even though Lady Townshend said Lord Townshend was sending for us. I wouldn't be going if my pa didn't know about it, of that i was sure. I put my mug on the side table along with my muffin. “I do miss them Ash, but that’s the point, I miss them all. I should have known Pa wouldn’t come back when he found out that ma died. He planned to go there all along and live.” I felt tears start to swell in my eyes, but, continued.
“I don’t even know what they are like now, you and Will are my family, and Lady Townshend has been a mother to me, while my own has been buried in the ground. It was her arms that held me at times I cried aching tears of loss. It was you who stayed with me, when I heard the screams of mama in my dreams. And what would I have done without the constant strength of Will? I love you all so much for what you’ve done. But it should have been MY pa, who did those things. HE should have come home and got me, or to me.” My body was heaving with painful tears, and over whelming emotion. Emotions, that had been simmering for a few hours now. “Nash wrote to me a total of three times over the years, he is my brother, and I thought he loved me. I hardly know of what has happened to Charlie. The memory of him being taken plagues me more often than I admit, especially to myself. I’m scared Ashley. Why now when I’m settled, and...” I let the thought of what had become of my feelings for Will, stay on my tongue. To utter anything would be to admit something I was not ready for, not in this moment. Not with an impending departure, separating us for an indefinite amount of time. To say anything at all, would be to open myself to more unknown heart ache for sure. Ashley took me in her arms, and let me cry it out. I cried till I fell asleep. And Ashley once again stayed by my side, till the morning came shining through my window.