Victoria's POV
Warm, the silver knives in their sheath lay against my skin under Fin's bulky shirt. The smell of silver, icy and potent clings around me, warning everyone to stay away, almost like a snake with bright colors saying, I'm lethal and will hurt you. Making my way to the training area, the wind abuses my face. The weather turning dangerous, with ice entombing the trees in a thick layer of crust. They are all there practicing, it's time to put on a show for anyone thinking that maybe they might want to end a future that I intend to keep safe.
Deep inside I have this feeling that something just isn't right, a constant feeling of threatening violence. Low tone whispers follow me, peering eyes track me for something unseen, air hanging heavy with the taste of their contempt. Even the sanctuary of my own room is starting to feel unsafe anymore. I've resorted to sleeping with silver, uncomfortable but necessary if I'm to get any sleep.
A shiver creeps up my spine like a chill, looking around no one is there as I enter the door to the training facility.
"Victoria" Becca comes running up to me sweaty and covered in deep scratches, chest heaving up and down from her exertion. Hands on her thighs, taking in deep breaths. "You can't train, not in your condition."
"I'm not going to be training with the pack I thought I might train on my own, hope you don't mind," I say it innocently. Walking away from her, I take a position to have all eyes on me while I demonstrate that I might not have teeth or claw anymore but I have sharpened silver that can easily end any wolf stupid enough to get in my way.
I take off my shirt, leaving me with my knives holstered in leather specially made by Charlie. Once I took control of the pack, after my father's death, I would wear this around for a good year until I felt safe enough to hang it up in my closet. Each wooden knife handle is stain with the blood of wolves that defied me, that needed an education in the art of dominance.
So the dance begins with a pretend slash for the eye, twirling around a sharp jab to a heart, bending up, a cut to the inner thigh, cutting across a throat to spill a life on the floor. A practiced crouch, springing forward to tender spots of a wolf that can bring the most damage. I work myself up into a sweat, body protesting the use of extra calories on this show of war. Where it should be going is to the greedy female inside me demanding more of my strength.
Throwing at the targets are the next demonstration, throwing the knife as an extension of my hand. It hits true with a thud the silver easily piercing the wooden backboard of the targets. Knife after knife is thrown only to be retrieved by just shifted juveniles that sit and watch in learning.
Not able to take their longing looks anymore, I point to one and tell her to step forward, putting the knife in her hand, showing her how to balance it. The afternoon of me putting on a show is halted by the need to teach these young ones the art of knives. I try to be patient the way Fin would be, even putting a light touch on a shoulder, a soft look in the eyes of a defeated learner. I try to tell myself they're just learning, be patient this could be my daughter with big eyes regarding her teaching in awe.
I've gathered a group of just shifted females and males, also a small collection of young ones on the verge of shifting. This moment hits me as if cloudy cataracts are removed from my eyes, the clarity of the situations strikes me crystal clear. My Future female needs them in her corner. She will need the younger generation to accept her and it's going to start now. Clapping them on the shoulder, I start to commend them on how for their first time throwing silver, that they have good abilities.
Slowly but surely, I will foster a new mind set for these young ones to accept her, protect her. I have months to sway their impressionable minds my way. "Okay everyone I think that's it for today," I say to them as I start to put away the gleaming silver in their proper places.
They had fun, I can tell by the way the smiles reach their eyes. The way hands are rubbing sore shoulders with a good work out. I'm going to teach the art of throwing to them and in return, I'm going to make alliances for her. She might not be born yet but I will have a generation of guards for her.
Sitting at the table I take the head in Fin's absence, Becca might be Beta but I still outrank her. I look every male in the eye waiting to see if they will give any kind of look. My aggression levels are soaring with my hormones, yet at the same time, my body is weakening. I'm unable to shift anymore, the wolf refusing anything that might cause harm to our tiny life.
The males don't so much as look my way. The females always give me a big smile, heart felt, looking at my belly in longing, especially Judy. Her gaze is dreamy with hopes for her future. She would have to find a male wolf willing to donate himself in her time of need for a future that he can't be part of. It would be hard but not impossible to find a certain male with those morals.
Taking a tiny bite of food my stomach protesting, my mind willing it to stay down. The food just doesn't stay down as I hurry away from the table unable to hold the contents of my stomach anymore.
It's night when he comes slinking into the bedroom, stopping in the doorway so a line of light disrupts the dark.
I can actually hear him inhaling, in and out. His breath holds for a moment, I hear nothing but a heart beat and feel for the first time the tiny fluttering in my belly. She's making her presence known. I'm in a state of shock for one I have her father unable to breathe and her unable to keep still. My life has been diseased, but this inside me is my cure. I place a hand over my small belly just starting to round into form. I can't feel her yet from the outside but inside I can tell she's a strong one.
He makes no move, standing still like a stone. My backs to him, covers over my ears, his shirts are all under the covers, so I'm encased in his faint scent. He's a physical necessity that burns, consumes and draws me to him. My yearning for him is real, body aches to covet his skin. I feel the way parched ground feels sucking up the rain after a drought. It's the same way I want to consume him into my body.
I can hear the soft foot steps against the carpet until he's kneeling down. Breath hits my forehead, the covers slowly pulled away, exposing the nest of shirts.
"Victoria, why didn't you tell me?" His head on my shoulder, hands removing his shirts away from me. He pulls the knives away from my hands, tossing them away with a soft thud.
"You were busy, doing important things. Let's be honest you really don't care." He sighs at my words.
"I think maybe this was your whole plan, the perfect revenge. Get me to fall in love with you and then leave me like a dirty piece of trash." I'm crying now curled up on the bed, knees tucked into my chest. Hormones swinging back and forth, riding high and low on that pendulum swing.
"Victoria, you love me?" It's whispered out, nose nuzzling my cheek. I just cry, unable to stop myself. It's raw, full of my pain, hopelessness, regret for a wasted life.
"Don't cry Victoria." He sits on the bed, pulling me into his arms as if I'm a small pup that scraped her knee. He's rocking me slightly as I fall apart in his arms. Everything's coming out, a movie of my life flashes before his eyes as all my fears come bubbling out of the surface. He holds me against his chest, strong arms encasing me. "I hate you so much Fin." I do and don't at the same time. He can see the Armageddon happening inside my brain, hate, love fighting one another. The bond coiling around us like an evil snake, like a beautiful light. The ebb and flow of my life, the way I crave just to be loved, the way I don't want him, the way I need him so much.
"I hate you," I say this as I have my nose against his skin, smelling his scent.
"I deserve it." His truth for my ears, has me sobbing more.
"Why Fin, why did you stay away from me for so long." the callouses of my heart are gone, bleeding against his soul. I'm exposed in the truest sense.
"I was afraid. I decided to waste our time on other things that don't seem so important now." He just nuzzles me closer. I don't make any move to leave his arms. His hold on me is too strong.
"I need you." I've never been this honest with anyone including myself. I can't control the way my words just tumble out of my mouth. The way my true fears are leaked out of my cracked unpolished armor.
"You left me, I can't shift anymore. I feel weak." Sobs rack my body. He holds me, just lets me spill everything out for him and the Moon to hear. My soul's confession.
"Why didn't you just call me and tell me all this?" He kisses my forehead lightly.
"You should have just known." I cry it out.
"I can't read minds over the phone, Victoria. I could have come back sooner if I knew what you were going through. Why didn't you just tell me?"
"I have a hard time asking for help, maybe I was afraid that you would just say no." I talk into his chest while he holds me tight against him. It's what my body is telling him at the moment. I need to feel secure in his arms. I relax, breathing deeper, muscles for the first time in weeks loosen up. My male is back and it's his job to help protect me.
"I will always protect you, no matter what. You will be my first concern. Nothing else matters." I try to search his mind for the meaning of his words but he's blocked me out.
"Fin, if there is a choice to make at the end of all this, choose her. I want you to promise me something."
"I won't promise that I won't do it." He's tensing up, muscles going tight.
"Fin my greatest fear is dying alone, without anyone holding my hand, I need you to promise me that you'll be there for me holding my hand when the time comes. Can you promise me at least you'll be there holding my hand." A new set of sobs breaks from my chest, his shoulders start to shake, a few wet drops hit my face as we both hold each other.
"Nothing bad will happen Victoria, but I promise you that I'll be there holding your hand." Our tears mixing together with a fate that's threatening our future together. We say nothing else, our throats to tight with raw emotion that consumes the both of us.
Waking up, I'm tucked in close to him. Cheek resting on his chest, leg over top his hip, my hand against his neck.
Skin on skin.
Nothing in between us. My little belly in the middle supported against his side. He's awake, how long I'm not sure but I feel rested for the first time since he left. I burrow into him more, he lets me.
"How do you feel this morning?" His voice shivers my skin.
"Better." It's the truth I feel better, both physically and mentally. I needed that somehow, a good cry and to feel sorry for my self, telling him all my fears for the future did wonders to improve my mood.
His nose is stuck into my neck, inhaling deeply. Hands on the curve of my hips.
"You've lost a lot of weight."
"It's normal." That's all I say, unable to hide my real feelings from him, he just holds me closer.
"I'm sorry for leaving you here all alone. I was doing something for us that I think you'll like. I won't leave you again. I want to take you and show you our new home that I helped build." He sounds proud of himself for this. I really don't want to leave this land. The land I was born on, the land my wolf knows.
"I brought someone with me, she's somewhat on loan from the North. I took their healer!" His arms lock me against him. He won't let me rise up the way the acid from deep in my stomach starts to rise out gagging me.
"She's different Victoria, a little weird but it's as if she just knows stuff. She knew I was coming for her waiting with her bags already packed."
"She's no different Fin, they're all the same." I spit it out to him.
"Victoria, you'll give her a chance. If she proves to be anything else, her head is yours."
He doesn't understand he brought death with him.
"You won't die Victoria. I won't let that happen." He snarls it out.
Flipping me on my back, he positions himself between my legs. Teeth graze my mark, sinking into flesh that claims me again. A slow moan bubbles up from my throat. His hands roaming over my back, goose bumps ascend. Fingers dig into my hips, lips trail down my side. A tiny fluttering of butterfly wings intensify as his mouth approaches the Nest she's laying in.
He growls low, vibrating her body, she stills. His nose taking in her powerful scent already, she's making her presence known. She once again starts to move, his hand cups my small rounding bump. Warmth radiates into me, closing my eyes at how good it feels. My own personal hot water bottle.
"She's done nothing wrong Fin, she deserves your love," I whisper to him, holding his head against my bare stomach. The clarity comes again, he will be her biggest supporter. I just need him to be in her corner.
'I can hear her heart beat Victoria." My fingers running through his hair, closing my eyes.
"I need you here with me Fin, you can't leave me, no matter what. Promise me." Anxiety crawling inside me anchoring into the pit of my stomach.
"I promise Victoria, I won't leave you. No more worries okay, Let's go get something to eat."
Making our way to the table, he takes the head and I'm on his right. His mother not meeting his eyes. I have this strange sensation prickle the fine hairs on my neck up.
Turning slowly, obsidian eyes that suck in all color stare back at me, black midnight hair cloaking half her body like a robe regards me. Hands behind her back, a nose that's beakish in Nature.
I turn towards Fin, "this is who he brought to me?" Yet somehow my eyes fall towards the tree where my crow always sits, waiting for me except instead of the bird perched on its branch, it's hanging by a string attached to its foot, upside down swaying frozen dead in the breeze.
"I fed your crow, Victoria." Even her voice is caw like, harsh and high pitched. My shoulders raise up as her voice vibrates against my body, not in a good way.
Standing to my full height, facing her head on, reaching behind my back, touching silver, I make the throw.