Finian's POV
Sleeping relaxed features whose eyes fluttering underneath long dark lashes. Her chest rises and falls with each gentle whispering breath she takes in. A smile highlights her face as if she's liking what she's dreaming about. A twitch of her finger against my hip. Her cheek pressed against my chest, my leg over the top her hip holding her as flush against me as I can.
She's had this dream before when she was a young adult female. Fixing up the cottage the way she wanted it to look. She even picked out the covers because they reminded her of my eyes.
Her favorite color in the world, my eyes that have given her such dreams of hope and despair.
She wanted to surround herself with the colors of me. Everything picked out in the cottage was for us. The small table with only two chairs placed opposite each other, so no one in here is above the other, equals.
Shame riddles into my entire being.
A small groan is coming out of the mouth that is now turned down in a grimace. A hand is going over her lower abdomen, another groan of discomfort before she completely wakes.
A faint scent of metallic blood mixes with the scent of our non-stop mating from last night.
The relief that I breathe out lifts the anxiety that's clinging on to my shoulders.
Thanks be to the Moon.
Sitting up, every inch of her skin has been touched by my mouth the evidence brushed on thick with teeth and tongue leaving behind fading love bites and bruises.
"I need to go to the bathroom." Her voice still scratchy from all the crying out she did during the night. Grabbing her hand before she can get up out of bed, completely.
"This is for the best Victoria, maybe one day." She looks into my eyes, the smallest hint of sadness behind them. Without saying a word back she gets up walking towards the bathroom door, trickles of blood trailing down her inner thighs.
The door shuts gently with a click.
No noise is made from inside the bathroom as I put my clothes on. Cleaning up the mess, we made inside this small space. We baptized ever square inch of this place with our glutinous needs. Nowhere was left without our impression on it. The floors, the kitchen counter, the table, against every wall, it was an insatiable hunger that neither one of us could get filled up enough to stop.
"Are you okay in there?" No able to hear anything it's as if she's even holding her breath.
"I'm fine; I just need a few minutes." Shaky voice trembles out.
"Are you hungry?" Waiting for a reply, this shouldn't take so long. I heard that it's over in seconds, it just hemorrhages out in a glob of clots.
"No." Her one-word answer has me understanding her needs for privacy at the moment. Part of me wants to go in there and rub her back to make her feel better.
My demon being eerily quiet, hauntingly horrific orbs looking out the window where a flock of crows has gathered. They look as if they are black robe sentinels keeping guard over the kingdom.
An unease tickling up my spine, the hairs on my neck rise as the demon smiles with a mouth full of fangs; the crows cawing music fills the air. Victoria stepping out of the bathroom as I crush an empty can of beer in my hands putting it in the box with the others.
"What's wrong?" Her face has paled.
"Do you feel okay? What can I do for you?" She's shaking, her whole body looks as if it could fold up on herself at any moment.
"Fin." Her eyes find mine and hold. Her shoulders back, head held high. Her chest expands with a big breath she pulls into herself.
"What is it? You can tell me anything." Putting my hands on her shoulders giving them a little squeeze as if we do this all the time.
Raising her head, shoulders back, her eyes lock on mine. "You're scaring me, Victoria."
"We're going to have a pup." A loss of breath, a terrible deep ache as if I have been punched in the gut. Chest tightening, taking a step away from her, hands hang lifeless for a moment at my side.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure." It's with the greatest control I don't vomit all over the floor. I feel woozy as if the whole world is swaying on an axis that I can only feel.
"This just isn't my fault!" Her voice flings out at me, defending herself.
"I never said it was your fault did I? Did I say anything like that?" The rise in my voice flinches her backward.
"Stop putting words in my mouth, when did I say anything like that? You're always so quick to accuse me of things." Pacing around the room, her body taking a defensive stance as if I would strike her at any moment.
"That's the problem; you're always jumping to conclusions with me, expecting the worst. You don't give me the benefit of the doubt. You don't believe in me. This is it, isn't it, you don't believe in me. You're always so quick to accuse me of things." It's hard not to point a long finger at her face.
The demon pointing his finger in me....
"But you are the worst, Finian. How can she believe in you when all you have given her is the worst of you. She hasn't seen your very best. Always holding back not given yourself completely to her." The demon flinging his thoughts in my face. Turning my back on the demon who has now taken residence on her shoulder. Opening the door, I don't realize I'm squeezing the door frame so hard until it cracks and splinters in my hand. A wooden shard impaling into my palm.
She's still standing tall ready for my wrath that thinks will come. Her eyes, the same leery look she would give her father before he sprang at her. She thinks that I will become her father now.
"I'm not happy about this Victoria; it's my fault this happened. I'm the one to blame for this." Coming to stand face to face with her. Pressing my lips against hers in a show that I will not lay a hard hand her but a soft mouth only.
"I need to go and check the truck to see if we can even get out of here. I just need some time to let this sink in." Punching the wall, I need to release my frustrations out. The heavy dust that's clinging to the ceiling floats down in tiny particles that you can see in the sun's light.
She flinches, body ready for an attack. I can tell in the coil of her muscles, she shifting of weight on the soles of her feet.
"I'm trying Victoria, to be a good mate to you, to be what you need me to be. It's hard at times, I won't lie, you make it difficult for me. You look at me like you're just waiting for me to screw up, that I'm going to let you down."
Memory is coming to the forefront; she never looked at Grey like the way she's staring at me now. She always had faith in him, her savior from the darkness, the light she had always been waiting for. He met her expectations and exceeded them with just the way he was. He never had to try with her; it's as if they fell into place naturally. She's always telling him things how she finds him attractive, how she loves his smile, his hands while they entwine fingers together. Her head on his lap, with Morning Glory blues that hold love, while a strand of her hair twirls around one of his fingers.
"It hurts me to see this in you. That I'm not as good as Grey, why can't you just give me a real chance? I tell you things that I appreciate about you. When have you said anything nice to me, you don't, all you do is accuse, think things your mind wants to believe. You won't even open yourself up so I can see what you're thinking. I'm hurting too Victoria; I hurt more than you know. Now we have this little pup coming." Shaking my head at the sad reality of things.
"I'll be back, please have things packed up." The cottage is becoming suffocating, the space too tight, my demon's breath fouling the air around us.
Savage grey clouds hang heavy in the air as if the sky itself is becoming more feral with another storm it want's to unleash. The snow has a hardened crust that crunching with every step I make. The bitter, biting cold nips the tips of my fingers with the sharpness only winter can bring.
Digging out the truck takes longer than expected. The demon watching my progress while I grumble under my breath.
"I'm not sure why you aren't happy, this is everything you have always dreamed of Finian. You get to watch your mate die a slow, torturous death from the inside out. You will be able to see her decompose in front of your eyes. Isn't that what you have prayed to the moon for, all those years of you on hands and knees begging the moon to end her life? You see, the Moon answers in her own time. You can't rush her; she has granted your wish Finian. I want to see you get on your hands and knees and give her praise for finally doing what you have wanted to happen for so long." The ruthlessness of the demon's words barrels into my chest, making me remember all the times I have begged her for my own mate's death. I didn't mean it. Frigid laughter fills the landscape echoing into the day, bouncing off the hillside only to boomerang back,
"too late Finian, no take backs. She's heard your prayers." I wish I could go back and cut out my tongue. My demon cackles again, long and slow over and over again while I dig out from the storm's mess.
Keeping the truck running so it's warm when she gets into it. I don't want her cold anymore. Everything is packed up nice and neat for me to carry to the vehicle. It's with great difficulty I restrain myself not to carry her through the snow, not wanting her to exert herself too much.
Seeing her in a new delicate light.
"Can I drive?" The only words she has spoken to me since I came back for our stuff.
"No, the roads are bad, it's different now. I can't take a chance with you." Kissing her forehead before shutting the passenger side door closed.
"Seatbelt." My voice holds no room for interpretation; she will obey me on this, safety first.
It's a long quiet drive for the both of us. The demon is just staring at Victoria, regarding her with a longing. Its eyes becoming black the color of eternal emptiness.
Once parking the truck, slamming the door closed because of the frustration I feel over a situation that I created.
"I'll unpack." Gently nudging her body away from any physical work.
"I can unpack, Fin I'm not dying. I'm just carrying a future." Her innocent face staring back at mine. I can't help the bile that's making its way up my throat again.
Burning pain in my chest with the acid I taste.
"I don't want anything bad to happen to you, Victoria. My voice is lowering while wrapping her in my arms. Rubbing my nose along her cheek her hands going around my neck. Pressing into one another, "nothing bad is going to happen to me, Fin." Her words don't soothe me. Instead, they leave me with a trepidation that hooks into my spine.
"I just can't be happy about this; I'll have to accept it." She looks as if she want's to cry.
"I'm not asking you to be happy Fin; I'm just going to ask you, try to love what's inside me. If you can't do that tell me now because I won't stay. I won't have him growing up with a father who hates him." That strong determination is back in her eyes; she means what she says.
"I won't hate him, Victoria." The demon is sitting on the truck tailgate. Of course, you won't hate him, because there will be no him. I have to stifle the cry that wants to come out, my legs feel like crumpling out from underneath me. I can't let anyone see me about to come undone.
"Can you tell my mother to come and see me, I need to speak to her for a moment." Watching her walk towards the house, I just follow her movements until the door closes behind her. Getting the bags from back starting to pile them out, my mother's march catches my eye.
Her sleeves rolled up, her face shows the briefest flash of fang before putting it away.
"You wanted to talk to me, Finian?" A finger pointed in my direction as she leans in close for a private conversation. My back is hitting the truck; this is the Luna I know from the north, not the loving mother that would kiss my scraped knee better.
"What do you have to say to me? The only thing you should be saying is, thank you. I have never in all my life seen anything like you. Your father would be ashamed of the male you turned out to be." I can't meet her eyes because it's the truth she speaks, my father would and is ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of myself of the male I was and still am.
I still can't meet her eyes, instead, looking at the snow on my boot. She walks away; I can hear every step she makes, making it a hard pound on the ground with her unhappiness.
Following her inside not looking at anyone it's hard trying not to break in front of these wolves.
"Becca, have someone clean that truck out, I'm going to shower then I need to eat. Judy, I want food, lots of it. I'm starved. Mother, I think it's time to go visit your other sons. Victoria, maybe you can call around see how the other territories are doing and give me a report once I'm done." Brushing past her, letting my skin glide across her for much-needed comfort.
The tears come fast; I can't fight against it. I don't have the power to stop them from spilling down me. Turning the shower on, because my sobs are starting to get louder. I don't want anyone to know I'm afraid of what's going to happen.
Stepping into the warm water letting the scent of our mating wash down the drain.
Sinking
Falling
Crying
What have I done? Not able to pull in a breath, my sobs are fiercely quiet, trying not to make a sound. Tears feel hotter than the water as they burn a line down my cheeks only to be washed away.
Rocking back and forth, head on my knees trying to hold myself while the seams of who I am, come apart.