•Vanna•
I have people that surround me all the time, yet I've never felt so alone. Who am I? What have I become? I'm letting it take over me. The alcohol, the drugs. My mind is so fucked up I can't think straight anymore. I just wish I had somebody. Someone to understand me and be by my side.
I couldn't stop. It's currently midnight and after reading the two pages in Jiyong's journal I couldn't take it so I took a shower and sat down back in the same place in my living room.
I tried to keep myself busy by walking around my small apartment, turning the tv on and trying to watch something. But I can't seem to focus on anything, I feel like I'm empty.
I forgot my phone at the house so I can't call anyone, most likely the police cleared the place and either way I do not want to go back. I would love to call my parents. I haven't talked to them in awhile. I guess I have to go out and live life again. I have to get a job and buy a new phone. Luckily I have made payments on my apartment in advance or else I would have lost my place months ago.
But now that I'm sitting here I want nothing more than to move and go far away from Korea.
I feel so lifeless as I sit on my living room floor I couldn't help it. I found myself reaching out and grabbing the journal reading another page and another.
She looks so beautiful. I love her concentration. She doesn't notice I am staring at her but I love it cause I can just stare and take in every little detail. Every time I see her my heart beats faster. My smile becomes bigger. In the short amount of time Vanna has been my assistant I have grown feelings for her. I have been using less because every night I go to sleep I know she will be back in the morning. She makes me feel happy. She makes me laugh when she laughs. My smile grows when she calls me oppa. My body gets a little warm when she's near or she touches me with her hand. Vanna makes me feel different.
I feel my face dampen with my tears as I read what he wrote when I first became his assistant. It makes me feel worse about what I did. I think I ruined Jiyong's life.
I don't know what to think. What about me? I went through hell in that place with Jiyong. I barely know him. I just can't stop thinking about how I may have ruined him.
I hate myself! I hate what the drugs have done to me. I'm weak I want to quit but I can't I'm not strong enough. Everyday I'm using more and more. Now I only get glimpse of who I truly am. This is not me. Jiyong wants to break out but he can't. I don't know what to do. I want to scream and cry everyday. I hate this! This is not who I am. I have no one to tell what is truly wrong. I wish I could tell my eomma or my appa but I can't bring myself to disappoint them with this kind of news. Everything is stuck inside me and it's driving me insane. I just want to be numb.
The more I read the more the night passes by and the more I cry.
I don't know this Jiyong. I only know the outside of him. He never opened up to me about anything. I believe I have seen the real, true Jiyong but not this deep. He has only told me the basics about him. But reading this it's like I'm inside of his mind and it's killing me. It hurts he has something so strong going on inside of him.
I feel so lost. My mind is blank, I feel alone. It's so quiet. I just have to move on and live my life.
All my thinking is making my head hurt so I close Jiyong's journal and set it on my table. I get up and go into my room. I get into bed and lay in the dark for hours.... It's 3am and I'm tired but I can't fall asleep.
10am
The sun peeks through my curtains the only light in my room. I sit up rubbing my eyes. I barely slept, even though I had my eyes closed I felt awake and I kept turning in every direction to find a comfortable spot.
I get out of bed and decide to get ready to go out and find a job.
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Leaving my place feels weird. Having the freedom to come and go whenever feels different after being stuck with Jiyong.
I walk to the elevator that's on my floor and press the button to walk in as the doors open a man is there in the elevator, I give a small smile and walk in pressing the main floor as the doors close and each floor passes I feel more nervous being in the elevator alone with this man. The elevator dings signaling the second floor and he gets off. Why did I feel so scared to be alone with that man?
I decide to brush it off and make it to the main floor.
As I'm walking around the streets of Seoul I pass a newspaper stand and see Jiyong's face. I walk up and grab the magazine.
"G Dragon the kpop idol loved by all is in jail" I read quietly to myself.
It's only been one day and the news is all ready out. I turn to the page and read what it says. "G Dragon from BigBang is in jail for the possession of drugs. YG stated that while his time in jail G Dragon will be reflecting on his decisions and hopes that his fans can forgive him and will stick by him through this all" I close the magazine and put it back and continue walking. BigBang and Jiyong's fans must be so sad and hurt. I'm starting to regret what I did.
•G Dragon•
"Eomma mianhaeyo, I never meant to disappoint you and appa. I lost myself but I don't want to loose you and appa."
"Jiyong you will never loose us, we love you. You will always be our son. Yes we are disappointed in you, we raised you better not to do dangerous things like this to yourself. But you made a mistake now learn from it and get better"
Hearing my mom's voice makes me feel happy and sad. Happy because I can hear her, sad because I just realized I don't see her that often at times I can forget what her voice sounds like and now I'm in jail and I really have no freedom.
I'm so mad at myself for what I have done. Hearing what my mom has to say makes me cry because my parents aren't giving up on me.
"Eomma saranghaeyo, I'm so sorry" my breath hitched as I try to hide that I'm crying.
"Jiyong we love you and always will. Be strong and you will get through this"
"I will try"
•Vanna•
I got home after a couple of hours later. I sit on my floor with some ramen and slowly eat my dinner. I got a job at a small bread bakery that was hiring on the spot. I also bought myself a phone with some of my saved up money, I haven't called my parents yet. Maybe I should. I sigh picking up my phone and dialing my mom's number.
"Hello?"
"Hi mom" hearing her voice puts me at ease
"Sweetie how are you? We haven't heard from you for awhile" the sound of worry in her voice.
"Yeah I know, I'm sorry mom I've just..." I seem to not know how to finish my sentence.
"Just what Vanna? Are you okay honey?"
"Yeah mom I-I'm fine, I just been a little busy" My heart breaks that I'm lying to my mom. But how can I tell her what happened. I can't she will freak out and I still can't wrap my head around the events that have happened these past months.
"Okay we just worry about you being all alone in Korea by yourself"
"I know mom. I miss you and dad" my eyes full with tears as I realize how much I miss my parents.
"We miss you. How's school going?" My mom asks.
"Good, actually I took a break so I can work." I can't believe I'm lying to her. I've been out of school for so long they probably kicked me out.
"Okay well maybe you should visit us sometime soon"
"I'll try mom. It's late here I just wanted to call to say hi and I love you guys"
"We love you too Vanna and we miss you so much."
My tears start to fall down my face. "I'll talk to you later mom bye"
I hang up. It's hurts not being around my parents. It hurts being alone. Jiyong was there all the time. I hate him he put me through this bullshit. I feel like I'm in physical pain from crying so much.
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"Vanna I love you, you make me so happy" Jiyong says looking into my eyes.
My heart flutters at his words.
"Jiyong" I say smiling
"I know you would do anything for me right?" Jiyong runs his fingers up and down my arm.
"I would Jiyong"
"Good" Jiyong smiles at me. I feel a sharp pain in my arm. I look down and see Jiyong stuck a needle into my arm pushing the stuff in the syringe into my arm.
"JIYONG!" I scream sitting up in bed.
My dark room surrounds me. My chest heaving up and down. I turn to my right and turn on my lamp. I look down at my arm seeing nothing. It was just a dream, it felt so feel. I check my phone for the time it's 4am. Why would I have a dream like that. It scares me, I just want to forget everything that has to do with Jiyong. I decide to turn my lamp off and try to go back to sleep I start work at 9am.
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My alarm rings signalling that it's time for me to get up. But my eyes are already open. After that horrible dream I couldn't go back to sleep so I stayed awake laying in the dark and staring at my ceiling.
I turn my alarm off and get ready for work.
I get to the bakery after a short walk and start my day at the cash register.
It feels weird working again. I'm finding it hard to interact with people. I feel like I don't want to be near any person or talk to them. I got so used to it being just Jiyong and I. I hate him. My emotions are all mixed up from what he's put me through. I can't even look at the men who come into the bakery. I feel as if they will hurt me, hit me like Jiyong.
The rest of the day goes fine and I get off my shift at 5pm and go home.
•G Dragon•
"How are you doing?"
"It's been two days and I hate it" I say looking at my hands.
"That sucks man. I'm sorry I'm always here for you" youngbae says looking at me sincerely. He came to visit me. I told him what happened with the drugs but not Vanna. Youngbae is my best friend, he is my brother but I can't tell him especially not when there is police guards around us.
"Thanks man. I'm sorry" I say lifting my head to look at him.
"Why are you sorry? I should be sorry I wasn't there for you"
"No it's all my fault. I disappointed everyone. The drugs ruined me. I let down you guys and the fans"
"Jiyong we are always going to make mistakes in our life. Our lives are just open to millions of eyes but that doesn't mean we aren't still human. I don't see you in any different way, I know the real Jiyong. You just lost yourself but I know you will find your way. The real fans, our family will stick by your side no matter what. The vips will be by us always. You will get better Jiyong" youngbae grabs my hand.
I let out a dry chuckle and wipe my eyes as they got watery. "Thank you youngbae"
After youngbae leaves I go back to my cell. Thinking about my life I know I want to change, I know I want to be better. I just have to find myself.