Posted on June 01st, 2017 | Edited on November 2nd, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.13 : S C A R S . . . |
That evening, I returned with Arnav to his place, ready to gather my luggage and meet Armaan and Riddhima back at the penthouse as they were back from their medical camp.
However, there they were sitting with Anjali waiting on us to get back. I also took a moment to acknowledge Anjali was back. Armaan didn't want for me to walk to up them and jumped over the couch to embrace me in a big bear hug. "Little sis! I missed you."
I chuckled leaning into his familiar hugs, "I missed you too."
Pulling back, he seemed to observe my smile didn't reach my eyes. "Doesn't look like it."
Before he could have questioned, Riddhima gave him a gentle push, "Move it now." He gave her an accusing glare which she didn't pay attention to and instead took me in a hug as well. "How are you?"
Oh, getting this hugs from them two. Unknowingly, I shed a tear which instantly concerned her. Before she could ask, I shook my head to assure her, "I'm fine. Just, happy to see you two, you know?"
Anjali placed a loving hand on my head, "I'm sorry I wasn't here while you stayed. I hope Arnav was a good host."
"Di," he whined at the insinuation that he could have been rude.
I found myself to smile and assured her, "He tried."
He rolled his eyes at me, "I did better than try, Khushi."
Ofcourse, I knew he had. I wouldn't admit it though.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
After dinner, we made our way back to the penthouse. Within the safe walls where it was just Riddhima and Armaan, my shoulders sagged and I dropped myself on the couch. Armaan questioned at once, "Did he send anything else?"
I shook my head, "No. But I don't know... what is happening in life?"
Riddhima sits next to me, placing a comforting hand around me. "Khushi, he's just wanting to scare you by saying he'll tell Arnav and all. Trust me, he won't. If he wanted to, he already would have."
"It's not that, Ridzzi. I don't care about what fabricated lies he tells Arnav. I... I am more scared about what Shyam tells him."
"Shyam?" Riddhima echoed.
Armaan asked, "How is he involved? There's nothing he could tell Arnav that would be different than Vivek's version of lies."
I inhaled deeply, bracing myself for their reactions when I tell them this party of the story I have kept to myself since it happened. "No. There is something I didn't tell either of you..."
Both returned confused stares with impatience. Neither in the mood for me to beat around the bush. Armaan must have observed I was hesitant and hence leaned over to put his hand on my arm and gently asked. "What is it, Khushi? You know you can tell us anything."
I gulped the choking tears threatening to fall down my cheeks and shook my head. "You'd hate me."
His other hand tilted my chin up so I would look at him in hopes of convincing me otherwise, "Hey, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can tell me about yourself that would make me hate you even the slightest. Are you forgetting? You're my doll."
Lowering my head, I mumbled. "You'd still be disappointed in me for this."
Riddhima expressed, "Sweetie, whatever it is that you are scared of telling us, trust us - we are always going to be on your side. Doesn't our whole lives growing up together prove that to you?"
I tried to swallow my fears and stop my ears from ringing. They were right. They have always been on my side through thick and thin. The love between the three of us was unconditional. They deserved to know the truth. I had to tell them, despite my fears. I should have told them the second it happened. I shouldn't have hidden it from them for years.
It reminds me of Arnav's words earlier in the day... how he called himself a coward for not telling me about his uncle earlier. I knew I was the same. I was no better. I was a coward too.
"After that night... I quit sports and basically any sort of physical activity. You two thought it was because I didn't want to have to bump into people... that I was sensitive of my personal space. But, it wasn't just that. Every time I'd over-exert myself, I'd get these horrible pains in my stomach. I wouldn't be able to move much without being in pain."
Armaan pointed out, "You had gotten cut when you were trying to escape. You had stiches, I remember. They can hurt long-term. What are you getting at here? I don't hear anything incriminating here."
I inhaled deeply and while exhaling, confessed. The pain is not because of those stiches, Armaan. Two months after, I had another one."
Riddhima asked, "Two months? Why? Dad didn't tell me you visited the hospital again."
I found it better to show them. I couldn't bring myself to say it. "I didn't want anything to know." I lifted my shirt to expose the scar on the front of my stomach.
"What happened?" Armaan questioned not catching on as to how I could have one in the front since the one I got from escaping was on my back.
Riddhima's hand forwarded towards my stomach till it stopped mid-air. Her eyes changed from confusion to shock. She understood what I meant. She looked me in the eyes, demanding with her tone void of attachment, "Khushi, did you get...?"
I didn't need to say it though. My expression must have confirmed her suspicion.
She stood up and walked away, running her fingers though her hair in worry as she refused to look at me. "My God."
Armaan started getting worried seeing a panicking Riddhima, "What? Will one of you tell me what's going on?"
Riddhima turned to face me now, asking point blank. "Did he get you pregnant?"
I couldn't help the flinch from hearing her say it. It was a word I did not want to hear. After the first time I heard it from a nurse when I was handed the test reports, I had never said the word aloud even to myself. It made everything real.
Congratulations, you're pregnant.
I did not know the nurse' name neither could I see her face clearly in memory. I just remembered her saying that as if it should have been a thing I should be happy about. It had made me mad at the time... was she not concerned when handing me those reports of how a young girl barely 17 years old could have been...? But no. Saying those words, she just sent me off, going back to attend to other work she had in an understaffed hospital.
Armaan's hand left mine. My teary eyes blinked over to him. He was struggling to accept the reality as well. His eyes travelled between Riddhima to me. "Doll?" He didn't need to say anything more. He wanted me to tell him it wasn't true.
I couldn't do that. I looked away from him, staring at my hands on my lap, missing the support from having his hands in mine as the tears continued to partially blind my vision.
After what felt like an eternity of silence from the two people who meant the world to me, he finally asked. His voice too sounded cold. "Why didn't you tell me?"
I knew that voice. I had hurt him. I knew. The second I had made the decision to get an abortion, I knew I would never be forgiven for it by Armaan. Given he was adopted by my parents, children have always been a sensitive topic for him.
I answered meekly, "You wouldn't have let me make the decision I did." It would have been barely audible, had the room not been in pitch silence as both awaited an explanation.
He raised his voice causing me to flinch again, "Damn right I wouldn't have! What the hell were you thinking?"
Riddhima inched closer to me, interrupting his rage. "Armaan, stop it. You're scaring her."
He did not even glance at her as he continued to stare daggers into my eyes, "No, Basket. You stay out of this. This is between me and my sister." He turned to me again, "Khushi, five years. You had five freaking years and you did not once think of telling me? Forget telling us, how could you even...?"
Standing up, I yelled back refusing to sit there and listen to him accuse me when he couldn't understand why I did what I did. "Because I felt violated, Armaan! I was raped. Do you remember that?"
He blinked back, startled at my outburst.
I didn't stop for him to acknowledge anything, "Which girl would happily accept getting pregnant because of it? If I hadn't, he would have gotten away with making me feel violated every single day for the rest of my life! What did you want me to do, huh? Do the right thing? Listen to yourself. After knowing everything else, how could you even expect me to have done anything differently? You know what? This," I pointed at his anger, "is why I didn't tell you. I never wanted to tell you. I knew how you'd vote on this situation."
"Situation?" He scoffed, "Khushi, we're talking about a child here. This is not a situation."
"You guys, please. Let's just..." Riddhima once again tried to get in between us to stop this from escalating before any more hurtful things were said.
I didn't listen and spoke over her till she trailed off, "And what? I should have kept it? Put myself through that torture? Oh, hey, maybe then, dad would have had a heart attack earlier and who knows, he wouldn't even be alive then. Is that what you would have rather wanted?"
I knew I was being cold, but he was also being unreasonable. He opened his mouth, no doubt to reprimand me for even saying this but he was being unreasonable right now. He couldn't utter a word for the doorbell rang.
We continued glaring at each other despite the tears making a dry path all the way down to my neck. Riddhima sighed and instructed, "Not a word." She when answered the door and stepped back seeing the person at the other side, "Arnav, uh, hey. What are you doing here?"
He held up a box of homemade sweets that Anjali had packed for us and went off in an explanation, unaware of the looming tension. "You guys left this in the car. Was halfway home before I realized and turned back around. Di wouldn't have been happy if..." His eyes drifted inside and found mine. They narrowed in confusion, words changing course to question when I looked away and turned my side to him, attempting to wipe my face. "Is everything okay?"
Riddhima forced a chuckle, "Uh, yeah. Just Armaan and Khushi, you know? Getting all emotional since they hadn't seen each other for a week."
Somehow, he wasn't convinced. When I looked back at him, it was to see him starting to push his way inside the house. "It does not look like an emotional reunion to me." He came to stop a few feet away from me and Armaan, glancing between the two of us. He crossed his arms over his chest, insisting an explanation with his actions rather than his words.
Armaan muttered, finally switching his glance away from me to Arnav. "Thanks for dropping off the sweets, Arnav. I'm sure Anjali is waiting for you at home wondering why you aren't there yet."
Arnav rolled his eyes, "Dude, I'm not moving an inch from here until one of you tells me why you look pissed off and why Khushi was crying."
Armaan clipped, "It's between us siblings. Now leave. Did it before, right?"
Something changed in Arnav's stance and I cut in turning my back to Arnav to stand in front of him, "Armaan, this is between us. Don't snap at him because you're pissed at me."
Before he could have responded, Arnav's fingers wrapped around mine. I couldn't focus on him holding my hand when so much more was going on. "No, it's okay, Khushi. I deserved that. I've done plenty things that as your brother, he has a right to be mad at me for. But, sweet pea, I thought we were getting better. Now that Armaan and Riddhima are back, are we going back to square one? Please tell me why you were crying."
Armaan didn't give me a chance to respond as he snapped at him again, "Arnav, I told you. Sibling rivalry. Leave it at that and take a hint."
His hold on my wrist remained as Arnav questioned, "Sibling rivalry? The two of you love each other like it's nobody's business." Obviously, he didn't believe that Armaan and I could be fighting over something. If only he knew the grave matter of this heated topic.
I tugged at my hand to be freed. His hold was already loose as he had only held it gently. He didn't protest and allowed it to slip it. "Actually, you know what, Arnav? I'll tell you what's going on."
This is what I was scared of Shyam telling him anyway, right? Might as well end the topic here itself.
Riddhima looked at me in warning, "Khushi."
"What?" I challenged. "Armaan here has already made his opinion known. Might as well tell Arnav too and find out his reaction as well. I am sick and tired of living a life filled only with secrets at each other."
She walked up to me, "Khushi, you are mad and hurt right now. I understand, but stop for a second and think. Okay? Why don't we all just calm down and talk about this tomorrow? If then, you still want to tell him, then okay. We won't stop you. We're on your side." She repeated the phrase she had said earlier.
Armaan interrupted, "Speak for yourself." Then, the expression on his face changed instantly as if he regretted saying it.
They hit me like a hammer, but he didn't take them back or even attempt to make it into something else despite the regret. I knew I had hurt him, but this...? I couldn't take it. So, I made my choice known, not wanting to be around him till he had gotten it together and was ready to listen or even have a civil conversation without all the yelling and hurtful words.
"If this is how it's going to be, then fine." I turned to Arnav, "Arnav, you don't mind if I stay with you and Anjali di a bit longer, do you?"
Armaan uncrossed his arms from his chest while Riddhima's eyes widened hearing I would rather leave than stay and sort this out. But for today, I already have had one too many emotional conversations. I cannot put myself through another without breaking down.
Arnav was stumped at first at the request but quickly recovered. "Uh, no. Not at all."
"Good," I muttered and stood there in spot a second longer. Somewhere, I expected Armaan to say something. To stop me. Anything. He didn't. He just stood there. "Okay," I said more to myself than either of the three.
I sent a quick glance at Riddhima to pass a message of apology for leaving even when through it all, she had been calm and hadn't accused me as Armaan. Despite her own opinions, she had tried to sound supportive and impartial because as a female, I think she understood why I made the choice that I did.
I walked past him and took hold of the handle of the suitcase which was still in the corner of the living room. When I glanced back, Arnav seemed to be looking between Armaan and Riddhima, confused and probably wondering what could have happened that Armaan would let me leave and wasn't saying a single word to stop his sister.
As I walked out the door, I faintly heard Riddhima assure him. "It's okay. Please look after her?"
Arnav eventually nodded and walked up to me, letting the door close behind him. He took the bag from me for which I was thankful. The walk to his car was silent so to speak.
The world around us continued but neither of us said a word. It seemed to have stopped for me. I did not recognize a world where Armaan and I were at odd terms with each other. I only knew a world where he was always by my side - no matter what. Since as far back as I remember, he has stuck by me as a shadow.
But now...
Five minutes into the ride, he cleared his throat. "Are you okay?"
I gulped and nodded even though we both knew that was a lie. Since walking out the door, I had been clenching and unclenching my jaw, forcing the tears to stay at bay and refusing to break, but it was only a matter of time.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .