Posted on May 25th, 2017 | Edited on October 27th, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.11 : C O U N T - O N - H I M. . . |
Middle of the night, I find myself by the pool side with my feet submerged in the water. It was cold - not just the water but the weather as well. If you're going to be out for five seconds, then the cool wind was welcoming. But for more than that? Your body was sure to start getting goosebumps with shivers.
However, I continued to welcome it. It numbed my body.
Probably having seen me through the door from his room, Arnav slid the glass door open and stepped out. "Hey, what are you doing here? It's kind of cold out, don't you think?"
I didn't respond, keeping my eyes glued to the blue of the water, for if I did, there was no guarantee my voice wouldn't crack.
He continued to walk till he was seated to my left. His gaze on me was piercing, trying to make out my features through the moonlight. Eventually, he asked. "Are you crying?"
I turned away slightly hiding my face with my hair to wipe them off. In my peripheral, he raised his hand. Assuming his action, I inched back and whispered, "Don't," asking him to not touch me.
Even if my skin was numb and I would most probably not feel his touch, I did not want to risk that.
He respected the distance and sat beside me, silently. Five minutes must have passed before he caved. "Nightmares?"
So much for not wanting him to know. I let my head bob up and down to give him an answer.
I figured the conversation would end there but I was even more surprised with the words I heard next. "I used to wake up from bad dreams all the time when my parents died. That incident... it was etched in my brain, you know? So many nights, I woke up screaming; in a sweat."
When he was quiet for some seconds, I reeled from the information and found myself genuinely asking, not just because I was curious but also because it felt that sharing pain seemed to bring him closer to me. "How long ago?"
He turned to look at me for a second and I thought he might not tell me. I thought that telling me the earlier sentences was all he was willing to say. But then, he blinked away to the water, his feet moving and sending ripples through the pool. "I was 11."
Quietly, I inhaled deeply. That was a very young age. I couldn't imagine how devastated I would be if it had happened to me. Just almost losing my dad two years ago, I couldn't handle. If it had actually happened...?
I leaned forward, dipping my left hand in the water before placing it between us. When I knew I had his attention, I asked, "You get the gist?"
A soft smile spread his face as he blinked up to me and nodded. "Yeah, I get the gist."
This, apparently, became our thing now. Once when I needed it the most, without any words at first, he had made me feel his support. Even with being unable to hold me, he had made sure to pass the message along. Now, it was the other way around and even though he shared this bit of his past to let me know I wasn't alone in this, I felt the need to let him know I understood and he had my support and I was here to listen if he ever wanted it.
I couldn't touch him, hold his hand, but it was the next best to make him feel as if I was.
"I used to be so scared... afraid to sleep thinking I'd wake up screaming again and it would worry di. But then I realized, seeing me like that - not sleeping, not eating - that was hurting her more and I made a promise to myself. No matter what, I would never let her be hurt because of me. Pretty ballsy for an 11-year-old kid but..."
I finished for him, understanding the sentiment perfectly, "...you loved your sister. You'd do anything for her."
He nodded, "Yeah. She was all I had... Wanna know a secret?"
Going with the flow, I nodded.
"There was this doll... her favorite. Mom would tell me how di could never go to sleep as a child without it. She always kept it close to her. So, one day, I sneaked into her room. Stole that doll and..." He chortled shaking his head as if in distant memory, "Yeah, embarrassing for a guy to admit but I needed a doll to help me sleep. I didn't think it would work but it comforted me. Let me know that even if mom and dad weren't coming back, I still had her and I had to be brave for her. No matter my feelings at night, during the day, I would put on a brave face for her. I wasn't going to let her go anywhere."
It was in this moment that I truly understood just how much he loves his sister. Seeing him be protective of Kripa, I only could assume. But this... it explained a whole lot about him. He was not protective of them because he held some orthodox thinking or anything. No. He was protective about them because he was afraid of losing them. He was afraid something bad could happen to them.
I couldn't help but make a personal connection. I didn't think anyone could love their sister the way Armaan loved me. Unconditionally and ready to do just about anything for them. No matter the cost. No matter the personal sacrifice. Tonight, I stand corrected. Armaan and Arnav... there is a lot alike in them than what met the surface.
There is someone out there who can give Armaan and I some tough competition.
There was one more realization. "And you continued to put on a brave face since then... even now."
"Until you."
"What?" I felt my voice echo in astonishment. What did I have to do with any of this?
He swallowed, as if nervous, before he glanced sideways to me. "You redefined a lot of things for me, Khushi."
I tried to not read much into it and tried to make this light, "You're just saying that to make me feel better, aren't you?"
He continued to insist, "If I still had my brave face on, would I be telling you this? Something I've not told anyone? Something I've never even said out loud?"
I looked away, not wanting to feel scrutinized under his unwavering gaze. I didn't know what to take of this.
He added, "You know I am not the guy to comfort someone. I am more the guy who makes everyone else's life difficult."
I didn't stop the curiosity dripping from my question, "Why did you tell me this?"
He shrugged his shoulder as if he couldn't think of a better answer than the one he gave, "Because it felt right."
Felt? This guy thinks more with his head than heart. And that, I let him know. "You don't listen to your heart ever."
"No," he agreed. See! But, then he adds, "but I'm starting to listen to it when it comes to you."
It feels as if all air was sucked out of my lungs in a blink of an eye. Then, I give in to the fear that has been under the surface this whole time. When his brave face is off, it compels me to shed my layers as well. "I - I know I have no right to ask you this, but please, don't - don't go to work tomorrow?"
"Okay."
Just like that. No questions asked. One simple word when it had taken almost everything out of me to ask. "Okay?"
He repeated, "Yes. Okay. If you don't want me to go, I won't. I know you enough to know it must not have been easy for you to ask that. And, I know we're not sitting out here in the middle of a winter night to discuss my childhood stories. There's something going on with you and I wish you would tell me but even if you won't, it's okay. We both know I haven't done my fair share of earning back your trust."
Again, he was admitting to his mistakes and owning up to them. He knew the things he had done wrong and whereas before, he might have pressured me into telling him, he was giving me the space to tell him itself. Okay, alright. Maybe he never pressured me but... we both know he could have.
I thought of telling him that he does not have to continue trying to gain my trust. He already did that the very first time when he took me to that shelter in Australia. He didn't have to be too hard on himself. If anything, it is I who needs to earn his trust and get him to open up to him.
Then, there were so many things about our past that I wanted to talk about. So many misunderstandings to clear. And yet, I can't bring myself to do it. It feels like we've just had a nice moment where he shared something personal with me and I did not feel like it was the time to ruin that by bringing up those memories.
When I didn't say anything for the longest ticking seconds, he suggested. "You should get some sleep."
He was about to leave. And in that one second, I knew. I didn't want to be alone. So, I confessed. "I'm scared."
He stopped and turned his attention back to me. Though, I closed my eyes and let another tear escape as I said the words aloud. "I don't want you to go because I am scared. I have never been alone. Armaan or Riddhima have always been there with me, no matter where. They are always there and when they aren't, bad things happen." He opened his mouth but I did not give him a chance to speak. "And I am not being paranoid. It's the truth. Each time, something bad has happened that hurts me worse than before."
"It's okay to be scared." He tried to convince me but I refused to.
"No, it's not okay. Being scared is for the weak."
He argued, "Being scared makes you human."
"You really won't go because I asked you not to?"
"Clean slate, Khushi. I meant it. So yes, if you ask me for something, I'll do it. No questions. I am trying to show I trust you and that you can trust me again. That this time, I won't fuck it up. I won't hurt you again. I know... you want people to see you as strong, not scared. If you are admitting it to me of all people, then I can only imagine how important it must be for you. Maybe... Armaan and Riddhima not being here is a good thing."
I raised a brow at him.
"I mean it in a good way," he defended. "It gives me a chance to prove to you that you can count on me."
Count on him.
Now that... that sounds nice.
It made me think back to Vivek's notes. My own voice in that CD recording. My senses were starting to get overwhelmed in panic. Shutting my eyes to block it out, clenching my teeth, I tried to breathe. It wasn't working. My hand went to my chest at the sharp pain as I pulled my feet out of the pool and stood up. The tiles under them getting wet in the process.
"Khushi?" His concerned tone gave me the strength to reopen my eyes.
My voice was foreign as I asked, "Put your arms around me?" He seemed taken aback for the strange request. I remembered that one time clearly in college when he had hugged me to pull me back to reality. Right now, I need that to stop this ringing in my ears and being on edge of losing to the past. I added with urgency, "Now, please. Do it before..."
I was cut off as his arms wound up around me and I found my head pressed against his chest. His hand behind my head keeping it there while the other tightly held me to his body. It had taken a lot of courage to ask for his help. This was the first time I was asking for it. All the other times, he had helped me at his own will.
I held on to him with all my life, as if it depended on it. Instead of it setting off a panic moment and cause me to shut off from the world, it worked to calm me down. Being tightly embraced, I could feel my heart pumping in my chest - there and alive. I truly needed this to steady myself, catch a hold, and pull myself out from slipping back into traumatic memories of that night.
As I was slowly able to breathe, I caught a faint whiff of cologne from the entire day. It was barely there, but still there. The muscles in my shoulder relax. "Thank you."
Taking the hint, his hold loosened. His hands moved to remain on my shoulder as if to ensure I could hold my own weight. "You never have to thank me for it, sweet pea. As much as it hurts to see you on the verge of it, I would do it a thousand times over."
I meekly nodded. Now that I was back in present, I felt slightly intimidated standing so close to him. I slightly moved a small step back.
Noticing my discomfort, he added to lighten the moment. "Let's get you to your room. You're freezing."
The reminder had me bring the back of my hand to my cheeks. He was right. Still, I protested. "I don't want to go inside yet. Can we sit out here for some time?"
He nodded dropping his hand from my shoulder, "Okay, wait here."
I had expected an argument but perhaps seeing my vulnerable state, he didn't. He went inside his room and I turned my back to it, tilting my head up towards the open sky view above us. I brought my arms over my chest and rubbed them to catch some warmth. If I looked in the mirror, I was sure my cheeks and nose would be red from the cold.
Tomorrow, I was sure to have a runny nose.
Coming up behind me, he draped a blanket over my shoulder. I instantly sighed into the warmth. Thanking him while turning my head back to him, I pulled the item tight around my chest, hiding my numb hands inside.
It was going to take some minutes for blood to flow properly again.
He nodded towards the pool chairs and I followed him to sit there.
He didn't say anything. Was there a need to? There was so much that had been shared in the past hour. My mind should be overrun right now. but... surprisingly, it was quiet. At peace as it just looked up at the cloudless night and the sparkling stars gazing back at us.
It was nice to have this moment with Arnav where I could confide in him. In this moment, I chose to believe we had no history. It was as if I was just any other normal girl, and he was just another guy.
Alas, I wasn't so sure if it would remain like this between us come morning. Despite the clean slate, I knew. Eventually, we would have to talk about everything that went wrong back then because there are so many questions that cannot just be ignored.
Nevertheless, the dark night was somehow an assurance. It allowed me to be myself without any worries. If the dark had ruined me, it had also kept me alive. It gave me a reason to fight to live for another day.
I wouldn't admit it before, but now, I do. If Arnav was my breaking point, he was also my savior. He saves me from feeling empty on the inside. When I am with him, I don't feel lonely and scared. Even if he makes me feel all things unknown to me, I feel like I am someone when he is around.
I had lost my purpose before him but ever since he came in my life, I found it again. I learned to fight. I learned to stand up for myself. I found myself again. Despite our rough patch, tonight makes me realize that I depend on him. Since knowing him, I've depended on him to get me through some of the toughest phases in my life.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |
Decided to keep this chapter by itself because I feel like it is important? Changed some things in this scene that a lot of you had loved... I think the essence of it is still there? If not, you know to point it out!