Emory Allen's POV
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The room was still a complete mess. I flipped the page of Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare, sinking into my pillows as the rain plastered against my bedroom window.
"Will. For a moment her heart hesitated. She remembered when Will had died, her agony, the long nights alone, reaching across the bed every morning when she woke up, for years expecting to find him there, and only slowly growing accustomed to the fact that side of the bed would always be empty."
This wasn't a novel I should be reading, but lately I was becoming attached to depressing things. Cassandra Clare was connecting with me on a topic I was supposed to be getting over. My sister would be upset if she knew I was lying in bed on a Friday night reading a sad romance novel, instead of getting out, and mingling like she had insisted so many times before.
I flipped to the next page,
"The moments when she had found something funny and turned to share the joke with him, only to be shocked anew that he was not there. The worst moments, when, sitting alone at breakfast, she had realized that she had forgotten the precise blue of his eyes or the depth of his laugh; that, like the sound of Jem's violin music, they had faded into the distance where memories are silent."
Suddenly my heart was going back to him, to a place it hadn't been in so long, yet missed so deeply. I was the princess in this novel - remembering the color of his eyes and the sound of his laugh.
I slammed the book and placed it on the nightstand beside the bed. My baby sister Kristen was right about one thing, depression is an easy hole to get stuck inside of. Her wedding party was in three weeks and I knew she was expecting me to bring someone as my date. I could imagine her face when I showed up to the lunch alone, she'd look at me with those piercing blue eyes and say something insulting in front of all her Barbie friends. Not that she was trying to insult me, it just happened to be the type of personality she had. On top of all of that, one of her Barbie friends happened to be my ex.
Benjamin jumped onto the queen sized bed and purred as I rubbed his coated fur. I thought of the tall Carmel skinned woman who used to be my universe. Lacey and I dated for over a year and swore we were soul mates, then life did its thing and twisted my world upside down. Now she's my baby sisters best friend and my fellow brides maid, absolutely wonderful.
I was seriously contemplating picking up someone at a bar just to bring them with me. I would even go as far as paying them by the hour, anything to avoid my sister and Lacey mocking me for the entire lunch.
"You'd be the perfect date, wouldn't you Benji?" I kissed my cat on the nose and he meowed in response.
Sitting upright, I found my disgusting reflection in the mirror across from the bed. Bed head, baggy clothes and bad breath - almost like I hadn't left the bed the entire day. It was nearing eleven o'clock but it didn't feel like time was moving. I kept thinking about the stupid party that was still weeks away; there was most likely no way that I'd find someone to bring with me, not with such little time. I should've tried harder earlier, or accepted that guys offer in Walmart when he asked me out.
"Ahhhh," groaning into the pillow, I tossed off the covers and stepped out of the bed right onto a heel, "Oh, shit!" Benjamin purred and I rolled my eyes after tossing the damn heel towards the closet. Cleaning wasn't my forte as I was generally an unorganized person, somehow I managed to seemingly keep myself in line on the outside.
As I entered my bathroom suite, I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Patting my pale reddened cheeks dry with a face towel, I inhaled and shut my eyes. It wasn't completely dark because of the iridescent lights in the bathroom, but with my eyelids closed, I could see his face. I tried to remember the color, the shade of blue that was even more piercing than my own. Moments of trying passed with no luck and I realized that it was fading away. It didn't matter that we had spent years being inseparable, soon, there would be nothing left in my memory.
The feeling of my cat pressing against my legs caused me to finally open my eyes and fold my towel. I retreated back into the spacious bedroom and crawled underneath the duvet. Tomorrow would be another Saturday spent doing nothing, maybe I could finally clean my apartment. My mother would probably call me, try to have lunch just so she could question how my dating life is going. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but they're the epitome of a nagging, prying group of people. That could explain why I had chosen to study psychology; growing up in such a gossip filled environment shaped me to be a certain way. Like I said, my family is wonderful, but just like every family - they have their flaws.
I guess I should be thankful I even have them. Out of sheer curiosity, I thought about Tanner and her relationships. I knew she lived with her grandparents because I had spoken to them before she enrolled in Woodlands. Obviously there was a reason that she didn't live with her parents, a reason that I was dying to uncover. My mind kept making me think terrible things, like how they could be in prison, or dead, or maybe they had chosen to abandon her. I sighed at the thought. Who in their right mind would abandon their child? Especially a child as beautiful and intriguing as Tanner Dawson.
Again, I had to mentally slap myself for thinking about her outside of the school grounds and, in general. It was just so difficult, to keep my thoughts locked away in the deepest part of my soul. A smile creepily crept into my lips when I remembered our session from today. It was the first time she was willingly open with me - granted, she did try to ditch and we didn't really talk a lot, but it was something. I could feel it, the vibe in my office was different than all those other times. I wasn't sure what changed, if anything, but I knew we had made more progress than ever before. It had to be because we weren't sitting in those chairs opposite each other, we weren't forced to stare at each other for an entire hour... instead we were doing something, building lanterns. She needed that, something to make her feel less confined, less intimidated, less... frightened. If she felt like she had control over what she was doing, she'd feel more inclined to speak freely and to trust me. All of this was slowly piecing itself together in my head. I was finding a way to break through the obvious walls she had surrounding her truths and emotions. I was grateful for that because there was no way that I was going to give up on her. Years ago I made a vow, a vow that states I'd never give up on someone that needs my help, and I'd never be so careless as to overlook the obvious.
I failed a person once, all because I was too caught up in other things. Everything seemed fine, until it wasn't. Then he was gone and suddenly I could see all the problems that were there, all the things I could've helped him fix if I was just a little more persistent.
My head sunk deeper into the pillow, the shadow from the moon light creeped between the curtains and illuminated a small portion of my face. The past is gone, I can't get it back and therefore, I can't change any of it. What I can change is the future, not just for myself, but for everyone that steps foot inside of my office and my life.
~~~~
Knock Knock Knock.
Resting the mop against the kitchen wall, I tip toed towards my apartment door where Benjamin was resting. Wiping the sweat from my palms, my left eye squinted through the peep hole only to find two blondes standing with their arms crossed.
I backed away and cursed under my breath. Just as I had suspected, my mom would show up and try to get together for lunch. She even brought along my baby sister, the bride to be.
I opened the door, being careful not to slip on the moistened floor.
"There you are! You haven't called me since Monday, I was getting worried." The woman standing directly in front of me was nearing the end of her 40's yet, still held such a youthful aura. Her creamy white skin was smooth and her golden hair was just as shiny as it was when I was twelve.
My shoulder pressed against the door frame as I crossed my arms over the baggy shirt I had opted for this morning. "Sorry, I've just been really busy with work," I could feel my sister eying me from beside my mom who simply looked worried.
"Oh," she squinted her eyes at my attire, from the gray baggy shirt to the loose hanging sweat pants, "Well, maybe it'd be good for you to come to lunch with your sister and I? Let us in!" She pushed my shoulder aside and barged into the kitchen, the floor was semi dry so luckily she didn't slip. "We'll wait here while you change into something nicer."
I was still standing with my arms crossed, smirking at the sight of my mother forcing herself into my apartment and making me go to lunch with her. Kristen remained in the hallway, I turned away from my mother who was sitting on my couch on her phone, probably scrolling through Facebook.
"You aren't coming in?" Kristen was shorter than I was when she wasn't wearing heels, her hair was a darker shade of blonde and her eyes a darker blue. She had an array of light freckles across her cheeks, she'd always complain because she burned faster whenever we were tanning.
"I've been texting you all week, what's the deal?" She stepped into the apartment finally allowing me to shut the door. We were eye level for the moment, due to her shiny red bottoms.
I already knew where this was going so I decided to go ahead and get changed while she spilled her guts. Kristen's always been a social butterfly, very outgoing and expressive. We were kind of opposites, which I was okay with, but being her sister was not all rainbows and parachutes. No, Kristen has expectations and if anyone better meet them, it's her own damn sister. Currently, I was not meeting those expectations... far from it.
So I walked into my bedroom and she followed me, just like I knew she would. She sat on my bed while I walked into my closet, thankfully I had gotten some cleaning done before they showed up. "Do you mind if I shower?" The question left my lips with sarcasm.
"Once you explain to me why you haven't responded to my messages."
Flipping through the dresses in the closet, I decided to go with a simple tan sun dress with matching wedges. I grabbed some underwear as well and then left the closet space, she had taken off her jacket and was now waiting impatiently. "Kristen, I'm 24, I don't have to explain anything. But, like I said, I've been busy with work."
Work. It was always my excuse. My excuse for not mingling, my excuse for not cleaning, my excuse for not texting my own sister back. It sucked and was pathetic, but it was the only excuse I had.
After laying the outfit next to Kristen on the bed, I snatched a towel from the hall closet and walked into the bathroom. The blonde followed me, she turned the knob of the tub and flicked on the shower for me as I undressed. "That's always your excuse Em, do you really think I'm gonna believe that?"
Once I was completely naked, I stepped into the shower and she sat on the toilet seat. Squirting the soap into my palm, I let the warm water drizzle down my skin. I knew why she was concerned, it wasn't just because she wanted me to find someone to be with, it was because she was my baby sister and she was worried that I wasn't emotionally alright. "I'm fine, Kris, I swear... I'm okay."
She was silent, but I could still make out her shadow as she sat on the white toilet top, thinking. Then as if she had finally allowed herself to believe me, she stood, "Fine," the bathroom was quickly fogging up, "I'll be waiting with mom."
~~~~~~
Most of my years growing up where privileged. It was just my sister and I, my parents were both college graduates with amazing careers. Dad's a partner at one of the Salt Lake City firms, high ranking and always dedicated. Mom was an editor for about fourteen years, until my dad finally convinced her to settle down and focus on raising Kristen and I.
I sat in the back seat of my sisters Prius, listening to the sounds of my mom play candy crush. Every now and then she'd growl or curse, not because Kristen was driving way over the speed limit, but because she didn't have enough moves to pass the level.
"Mom?" My hands were intertwined, resting in my lap.
"Yes honey?" Averting her gaze from the iPhone, she looked at me with a smile through the rear view.
I shrugged, "Just curious, what level are you on?"
Her eyes glowed, "76, I've been playing all throughout the day, but your father thinks it's brainwashing me."
Kristen and I laughed, "Why is dad not joining us today?"
"Oh, you know your father," she looked out of the window, "Lately he's been working on Saturdays."
Kristen and I made a knowing eye contact that lasted all but a second; we were both aware of my fathers 'Saturday briefings', they'd been going on for a good year.
Another ten minutes of Kristen speeding through stop lights and annoying chimes from candy crush, and we were parked outside of Takashi. It's a Japanese restaurant that we recently discovered in the heart of Salt Lake City. Small and secluded, it was perfect for the three of us to spend time catching up. Usually after a few adult beverages, my mom would talk on and on about my fathers late night rendezvous, Kristen would stress over the wedding planning and I... I'd just talk about my make believe life. The life where I was actually going out, mingling and being the opposite of a hermit.
"Kon'nichiwa watashinōkiniiri (hello my favorites)." The three of us walked through the door and Reo greeted us with his huge grin.
Kristen flashed her sterling smile in the young boys face as he guided us to the familiar booth in the back of the dim lit restaurant. Japanese symbols decorated all four walls, paintings and red floors gave the place a mysterious vibe.
Reo's parents owned the restaurant, he was no older than 25 and spoke fluent English and Japanese. We all considered him a very close friend, over the past year we had gotten to know him and his family.
My mother patted his cheek, looking closely at his masculine face, "How are you son?"
"Almost as wonderful as you look," we laughed and scooted into the booth, "you all look wonderful today actually." His dark eyes landed on me as I squeezed into the leather seat. It didn't require Einstein to know that Reo was interested in me, I was flattered, especially because he was gorgeous and talented. However, the thought of pursuing him in a romantic way was sort of disturbing. He was more like the brother I never had.
"So, Reo," Kristen started while pretending to flip through the menu despite the fact that she was undoubtedly going to order the Soba, "Are you still single? Emory is."
He chuckled and sent me a glance, I just rolled my eyes, too accustomed to be embarrassed. "I am actually, but uh, I don't think Em's into me."
"Reo, you're amazing, but it's just not good timing." He nodded, knowing very well that I was lying. I felt bad, and angry and my baby sister for being who she was. She had no filter, or remorse.
After taking our orders, the boy disappeared somewhere in the back of the restaurant.
"Did you have to give him the shittiest lie of all time?" Kristen turned to her side to look at me, my mom just sipped on her drink, it was some sort of margarita. She was used to my sister and I bickering back and forth, especially now with Kristen being all bridezilla.
"Come on Kris, my last relationship was with a black female model, there's no way Reo is..."
She chuckled, "So now you're a racist?"
I almost spat my strawberry lemonade out, "That's not even close to what I said!"
"You're saying that, because Lacey's black, you can't date an Asian?"
"First of all, Reo is Japanese," My mom laughed, "Secondly, I don't have a racial preference, it's just that they're two very different people and I don't think I can deal with that just yet."
"Sweetie, everyone is different, so you're not gonna find another Lacey. You'll just have to try with someone new." For some reason it was hard for my mom to believe me when I swore I was over Lacey.
"I'm aware of that, but now isn't the time," I tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, "can we just talk about something else?"
Kristen sighed, "How about my weeding party? You know, the lunch that's in three weeks. Apparently, you aren't going to have a date for it, are you?"
"That's your sisters choice Kris, you can't force her to date if she's not ready." I smiled towards my mom.
"Thank you mom," connecting my eyes with my sisters I saw the desperation. She wanted me to find someone, badly, "Look, Kris, I know you don't want me to show up alo-"
"It's not about that... not really," I squinted in confusion, she swallowed before continuing, "I just want to make sure you're okay. It's been awhile since, you know what..."
Now I understood. I knew exactly what she was referring too. This wasn't just about me finding a date for her luncheon, it was about me being alone. She was worried that I might never move on, that I'd continue to let the past hinder me from what the future could hold. I was grateful for such an amazing sister, "I'm fine Kris, it's been so long since that happened, I'm getting the courage to move on... it's just happening slowly."
She nodded, "I worry, I've never been good at reading you - never as good as Benjamin was."
The sound of his name tingled at the void inside of me, I missed him.