My arms were already tired from swimming back and forth our pool. I am not sure how many hours I've been here but I'm positive that I've been here for too long. The skin of my fingers were already wrinkled because of the water.
Swimming used to make me divert myself from thinking. It still works, but some thoughts still managed to slip through. Silas moved on from me and found someone else. My plan worked. My sacrifice four years ago wasn't in vain.
I should be happy... But I can't. I can't pretend that I'm happy. I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt. I can't pretend that it doesn't break me. I can't... pretend.
I still love him. I terribly do, so much that it hurts... pero anong magagawa ko? I want to be with him... but I can't be with him without dragging him down. I already tried to be better for him... to be worthy of his love, but it still ended ended tragically.
It's like fate was conspiring against me. No matter what I do to be right for him, the whole world keeps on proving me that I'm wrong.
I am wrong for him. I've accepted this a long time ago... but I can't deny how a part of me still clings on the idea and wish that we could be together.
What happened yesterday made me realize that maybe we really can't. Maybe he's just not for me.
Maybe Orion's right. It's been four years. I have to move on. And maybe I deserve someone else. Maybe I deserve Orion. Maybe I should give him a chance again. Maybe I could try. Maybe I could love again.
I know it won't be the same. It won't surpass what I feel for Silas... but at least I can still love, right? I can be happy right?
Because I'm so... tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of just being half-alive. I wanna get a shot at being happy again. I wanna move on like he did. It'd be for the best for the both of us. I just want to get rid of this loneliness... kasi pagod na pagod na talaga ako.
I wanted to keep on swimming to keep myself from thinking about him, but my arms and legs were already worn out. The whole family dined out. It's been forever since I ate dinner with them in a restaurant. I almost cried, which is why I chose to stay quiet. I've missed it.
I couldn't sleep. I've twisted and turned in my bed, but it sleeping was futile. I was physically exhausted, but my mind was not.
I sent a text to Rachel, telling her about my plans. Gusto niya rin lumabas kaya pumayag siyang mag night out. Sinundo niya ako sa bahay dahil alam niyang wala akong kotse.
She picked the place. I don't care about it anyway, I just want noise and alcohol. It was already twelve and the club was swarming with people. She brought us to the club where foreigners mostly visits.
I didn't keep track of the bottles and number of shots that I had. Buong oras ay nasa couch lang ako at umiinom. Rachel, on the other hand, entertained guys and frequently danced on the dance floor.
I never gave my chance to think. I drank and drank. I don't know how long it has been. My eyes were already falling. My body feels heavy, but I never stopped from drinking. Hangga't may nakikita akong alak ay inom pa rin ako nang inom.
I heard Rachel hoot followed by a soft thud on the couch. She must have sat on it. I clumsily turned my head to check but my eyes hardly opened.
"Oh, man... She's wasted." I heard her say. She heavily sighed. I felt her scooch over to my side. "You still okay, L? Kaya pa?"
My head fell back to the coach. I smirked.
"Ikaw? Kaya mo pa ba?" I heard the words slur as it escaped my mouth. I am aware but I have no control over it.
I reached for my bottle and lifted it to drink. I scowled in dismay when no alcohol filled my mouth. I grunted and brought it back down to the table. I stood up, my body swayed but I regained myself.
"I need more." I turned around and attempted to walk.
Rachel mumbled a few curses. "L, you're drunk. Maybe I should call..."
My forehead creased. It's like the gravity ceased. In a matter of seconds, I was floating in mid-air. I think I was going to fall. Until I felt an arm wrap around my back and caught me.
"Oh."
And that's the last thing I remembered that night.
The next morning was surprisingly peaceful. I was expecting to be scolded by my father for going home yet again wasted, but it didn't happen. I'm not even sure how I got home─but I'm sure that Rachel called Orion to pick me up. Ganoon naman lagi ang ginagawa niya because she'd be too drunk to drive me home herself.
With a kiss on Hadeon's cheek, I slipped out of his car and walked inside the building like a complete zombie. I already ate and drank medicine, but I didn't have the time to drink coffee. I badly need caffeine in my system. My mouth feels dry and my stomach feels like it's been turned upside down.
I stopped in front of the elevator and lazily pressed the button. My eyes were slightly droopy. I let out a moan, covering my mouth. My skin tingled when someone stepped beside me. It was followed by a small cough. With my hand still on my opened mouth, I turned my head.
My whole body stiffened when I saw who it was. I closed my mouth and immediately brought my hand down. He was the most effective hangover reliever. The aftermath of the alcohol last night went down to my cold feet.
He was already looking at me. I fixed myself and stood up straight. His lips were slightly pursed. His eyes seemed a little uneasy, unlike the usual composed that I've seen on him for the past few days.
"Good morning..." Silas sounded unsure, like he wasn't sure if he should speak to me.
"G-Good morning." I stuttered. I quickly averted my eyes from him and faced the elevator door instead.
I silently ordered the elevator to come down faster and open. As if the God of Elevators heard me, the elevator dinged and magically opened.
Hinintay ko na makalabas ang mga tao bago naunang pumasok. Hindi ako nag-abalang lingunin siya. It was the only the two of us inside the elevator and we've got twenty-three floors over our head. I can only pray that I can hold my breath for that long.
The elevator was wide and yet it still felt small and suffocating for the two of us. My heart was racing fast and loud inside my chest. It was reeking with silence in the confine space that I was scared that he could hear every beat.
I never moved. I stayed still, with my fists closed. My eyes are in front of me. I can see our reflection through it, but I forced myself to only look at mine. My force doesn't seem to be enough because I caught myself looking at him.
He was in the opposite side of the elevator, but unlike me, his eyes were on his feet. He's wearing a crisp white polo shirt that hugged his body well and was tucked in neatly in his black pants. My eyes dropped to his hands and I noticed that he's holding a cup of coffee.
I sensed that he was going to move, so I quickly snapped my head away from him. My eyes locked in front, staring at the two of us through our reflection.
My heart clenched when I caught him looking at me. I expected him to immediately look away, but he didn't. He just kept on staring. Does he know that I know he's staring at me? Is he aware that I can see him very clearly?
The elevator dinged, announcing that we've arrived our floor. That's the time when Silas looked away from me. I almost choked when our eyes met in the reflection and he wasn't startled by it. It's like I've been punched in my chest. I couldn't breathe! He knows!
Nang bumukas ang pinto ay nanguna ako sa paglabas. Nanginginig na ang mga binti ko. What the hell, Laurene?
Akala ko ba move on na? Akala ko ba tapos ka na talaga? Apat na taon na kaming tapos. We are over. And even when our paths crossed, we're still over. We still can't be together. Nothing has changed.
I could feel him behind me as we reached the hive. Sinalubong kami ng isang head, si Ms. Lea, na mukhang relieved sa pagkakita sa aming dalawa.
"L, buti na lang at nandito ka! Can you bring this to the accounting department? They were requesting for this." she handed a thick folder to me. My eyes were wide in surprise but I still nodded. "Twenty-sixth floor sila. Thank you!"
She transferred her attention to Silas. "And Silas, kumuha ka ng tatlong reams ng bond paper sa supply room. Dalhin mo na lang sa desk ko."
Ibinaba ko muna ang bag ko sa table naming mga intern bago pumunta sa twenty-sixth floor para sundin ang utos ni Ms. Lea. After delivering the package, I headed back to our floor.
My forehead creased when I reached our table. I found a familiar lone cup of coffee sitting on top of the table, just beside my bag. There's a sticky note on it. I picked it up and read the only word written: Laurene.
My heart slammed hard inside my chest. I know this penmanship so well. Can it be... Is it...
And if it's him... What could this mean? And what will I do about it?
I've already established that we can't be together. And I can't handle being friends with him without opening myself to the possibility of getting hurt. I can't pretend to be happy for him once he finds someone else. I can't. I can try to be happy for him, but it will still hurt─and I'm tired of hurting.
I held back my tears as I drank the coffee. It tastes like pain and longing. Ang sakit sa pakiramdam pero hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na inumin.
The rest of the day passed with my heart clenching from time to time whenever Silas will interact with me. May mga oras na kinakausap niya ako kapag may kailangan tanungin, at sasagutin ko naman siya nang hindi tinitingnan.
Nang dumating ang lunch ay nag-aya ulit ang ibang mga interns na magsabay at kaming dalawa ang nagkatabi sa table. He helped me with my utensils and even filled my glass for me. And fuck, his little moves make my heart flutter and hurt at the same time. It was confusing me.
When our shift ended, I fixed my things to get ready to leave. I felt a pair of eyes heatedly gazing at me. It made me stop from moving. I cleared my throat and look at a certain direction. I found Silas beside me.
"Did... Did you bring your car?" he suddenly asked.
"I, uh... No." I awkwardly answered.
He just simply nodded before walking away from me. My forehead creased at that.
"Let's go na!" Carmine declared.
Magkakasabay kami sa elevator. Emma pressed the lower ground floor. Doon naka-park ang mga sasakyan nila. Ako lang ang tanging sa ground floor dahil wala naman akong sasakyan. The elevator pinged and halted on the ground floor. I'm the first one to get off.
"Bye, L!" they all chanted in unison. I waved at them with a tight smile before stepping out.
"Oh, hindi ka pupunta ng parking, Silas?" I heard Joaquin asked. My brows knitted. I twisted my body to look behind me. My eyes widened when I saw Silas out of the elevator.
"Nope." he simply replied before the door finally closed.
Agad akong humarap bago siya tumingin sa akin. I took a deep breath before starting to walk. I could feel him from behind me. Hindi niya ako inunahan sa paglalakad. He just followed.
Palabas pa lang ako ng main door ng building ay nakita ko na agad ang itim na Dodge Charger na nakaparada sa tapat. Napahinto ako sa paglalakad. My eyes next found Orion who's leaning on his car. He's wearing a black wayfarer that was concealing his eyes but I knew he saw me when he smirked and stood up straight.
Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko nang maalala ang lalaking nasa likuran ko at nakasunod sa akin. Orion removed his wayfarer. His eyes averted from me and stared at the person standing behind me. His smirk dropped and his eyes turned visibly cold. Silas remained silent and unmoving behind me.
My eyes looked away from Orion in reflex when another vehicle parked behind Orion's Dodge Charger. It was a white Bentley Bentayga. The car's engine switched off before the driver stepped out of the car. It was the valet staff in the building. He walked towards my direction, passing by me.
"Eto na po ang kotse niyo, Sir."
Silas didn't say a word. I never felt him move from behind me. I was frozen on my spot.
"Let's go, L." tawag ni Orion. Napatingin ako sa kanya na seryosong nakatingin na sa akin.
I hesitated. My legs refused to move. I bit my lip. My stomach twisted. I waited for him to say something or do something, but he didn't.
"L..." Orion called my name again.
My eyes closed. I balled my fists tight. I took a deep breath before opening my eyes again.
I finally managed to take a step and walked towards Orion thinking... maybe this is for the best.