Justin's POV:
It had been almost a week since the incident at school. My mum hasn't let me out of her sight all week and keeps asking me how I am. I have to go back to school tomorrow, which I don't actually mind. Actually I am quite excited to go back. I am just not excited to see anyone there, especially Jason. I swear that I am the universally hated by everyone who walks those halls. My body has healed up pretty well. I still have a few bruises showing light blackness and my lip is still healing from being spilt. I keep having on and off headaches throughout the past week so I hope that nothing serious is going on. There are a few things that haven't healed though. I have been cutting down my forearm daily. My general mood has been one of 'I don't want or need this life anymore'. Jason. He hurt me. Not just physically but emotionally. As you could imagine, I am quite fragile with my emotions. I don't show them. But if I do on the rare occasion, it is because I have trust in that person. Jason took that trust, chewed it up and spat it back in my face.
A few light tears began to run down my bruised cheeks. The thought of Jason and what he has done to me really pushes me over the edge. It makes me feel stupid. But, I can't blame him. It is all my fault for being me. If I wasn't me then he wouldn't have a reason to bully me. I haven't seen or heard from him since I told him to leave the other day. I am very thankful for that, because if I see him, I think my anxiety will take over my body. Like right now thinking about him I can feel my stomach twisting and my heartbeat picking up speed. Whenever I think about him, my body fills with fear.
I haven't eaten for about three days now. I don't feel the need too. All I do is feel sick and vomit afterwards. But I feel like my mum knows that something is going on. She was talking to me about going to see a doctor, but I put on my best fake face and told her I was fine. I know that I am supposed to eat, it's a basic human thing, but ever since I've stopped eating a lot, I don't feel hungry, and when I do I just fill my stomach with water. It is obviously not doing anything for me though, I still see my fat self staring back at me in the mirror. I hate that I can't just lose weight.
I can feel how weak my body really is. The last few days of just laying around, not eating, self-harming, past beatings and lack of sleep have all caught up to me. I feel deflated. Every movement that I make hurts. I have a constant feeling or tiredness and dread. I fear sleeping because when I do I just relive Jason's beatings. My arms are covered from wrist to elbow is bandages at the moment. I got a little caught up in the moment with my razor the other night. It hurts to move them around. I have been thinking about killing myself. It wouldn't be too hard. I could escape this life and go be at peace. I could make everyone lives better. I put thought into it and decided that my self-pain all started with that one razor in my bathroom and my life will end with that exact one. I don't know when I will, but it is coming soon. I've got nothing to live for.
I snapped out of my thoughts as I turned my head to look for the time. It was 01:58am. Well sugar I have school in like six hours. I rolled back over on my side and shut my eyes trying to get some shred of sleep before I start another week of straight hell.
***
"Justin baby," I heard a soft voice call as my body was being lightly shaken. I fluttered my eyes open rubbing them softly. I looked up to see my mum sitting beside me smiling. "Baby it is 7:30am, time for school," she spoke rubbing her hand down my cheek. I felt overly tired. I don't even remember going to sleep last night. I just blacked out like that. I furrowed my eyebrows trying to wake myself a little. I turned to my mum and smile wrapping my arms around her. She embraced me into a hug and squeezed tightly knowing that my body had somewhat healed. I broke away from the hug and rubbed my hands over my face trying to wipe away the tired. My mum leant in and placed a kiss on my cheek before standing and walking to the door. "We will leave in thirty minutes okay my baby? Oh and breakfast in downstairs when you are ready." She spoke sending me a smile and walking out of sight. I don't feel like eating. But I know that she will get suspicious if I don't eat again. I got out of bed and walked downstairs into the kitchen.
I was met with my mum looking at me a little shocked that I was actually there. She had a bowl of cereal in front of her but stopped eating when she saw me. She quickly raced to make another bowl of cereal for me. She placed it in front of me and watched me, while still eating her food. No words were being said, but that was made up in looks exchanged. I took a spoon full of the Fruit Loops and pulled it to my mouth. I closed my eyes and shoved the spoon in my mouth trying not to gag at the taste of the food. I chewed quickly and swallowed waiting a few seconds to see if I will actually keep it down. After I was sure it would stay down or now, I took another few spoons of the food to my mouth. I poured myself a cup of water glugged that down quickly before smiling my mum and running upstairs to get ready for school.
I went into my bathroom and stripped out of my clothes. I pulled the bandages off my arms carefully and saw small scars forming over my cuts. Some still had traces of blood around them and mostly they were all better. I avoided looking into the mirror because I know if I do I will hate what I see. I started my shower, hopping in once it was at the right temperature. A few minutes into the shower and I suddenly felt my stomach turn. I dropped to my knee from the pain that this shot through my body and started to heave. I stuck my fingers down my throat to speed up the process and just like that the contents that I had just consumed were all over the shower floor. I grabbed my toothbrush and brushed my teeth, washed out my hair and over my body. Once I was finished I hopped out and dried myself off. I walked into my wardrobe and debated on what to wear to school today. I decided on pink and black vans, with black skinny jeans, a white undershirt and a pink button-up sweater. I quickly styled my hair and packed my bag for school.
I met my mum downstairs and she drove me to school, since my car was still there. I will take it home this afternoon. The drive was mostly silent apart from a little small talk. My mum pulled into the school parking lot and got out to watch me walk into the school. She said she wanted to make sure I was safe. I walked through the front doors and instantly felt eyes burning into me again. I dropped my head and made way to my locker trying to block out all of the mean insults that were being thrown at me.
"Ew the gayboy is back."
"I thought Jason killed him hahaha."
"Does he think he looks good or something? He looks like filth, why bother dressing up fag."
"FAGGOT AHAHA."
They were just a few I managed to hear on my way to my locker. I opened my locker and got out my book for the first class. I shut the door and froze when I saw Ryan and Chaz walking my way, and you know what that means. I just stood still in my place preparing for the oncoming pain. I looked up after a few moments of nothing being said or happening. The two of them stood in front of me with sour smirks on their faces. Ryan pushed me back against the locker, my heading bouncing off and sending pain through my brain. He pinned up against in leaning in so his face was next to mine.
"Jason might not be coming here anymore, but that doesn't mean the fun can't continue." He whispered against my ear. He punched me in the gut causing me to slide down the locked a little. Chaz walked up and kneed me in the leg causing me to lose my balance.
"We'll see you real soon fag," Chaz spoke harshly before they both turned and walked away laughing. The bell for the first lesson buzzed and everyone began to make way for their classes. I used the locker to get back to my feet and regain myself.
***
I sat alone in lunchroom, in the same spot where Jason had broken me last week. Ryan and Chaz were seated in their usual spot, both death staring me. What did they mean that Jason isn't coming here anymore? Did he leave school or what? I wanted to know what had happened in my week absence, but there was no chance in heck that I was asking. I was looking down at the empty table playing with my fingers when I felt a tap on my back. I froze with the immediate thought that Jason was behind me. I turned around slowly with my eyes closed. Moments passed with nothing happening. I got confused and opened my eyes. I furrowed my eyebrows and confusion was evident on my face.
"Hey Justin."
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Hello!!! How are you all?!? #3
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