Posted on October 12th, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.7.5 (1) : B A B Y - S T E P S. . . |
I saw Joe approaching Khushi from a distance and my first instinct was to stop him. I knew how uncomfortable Khushi would be. The only reason I hesitated was because... well, since our very first fight two years back when she'd asked me to stay away from her and even the last one the day of our engagement.
Then, I had to remind myself that it was in the past. Just yesterday, we had agreed to start over. It was just a new concept - I still have to remind myself again and again. Even so, had I not promised myself I'd always keep her safe? Even if safe from myself.
So, with a clear determination in my steps, I started marching towards the two. "Can I have a word with you?"
Joe tried to be charming, "Business can wait till later, ASR. Time to enjoy, remember?"
My eyes remained fixated on Khushi. There was clear indication in them that she did not want to dance with Joe. I wasn't going to let that happen then. I answered in a clipped tone, "Yes, business can wait, Joe, but her fiancé is waiting for her. Not much I can do here, can I?"
Her eyes widened at my insinuation and perhaps fearing that I'd reveal our personal relationship. That was my answer. I could not. Not that I wanted to. I knew her thoughts very well on how she would react to the two of us seen together in public. That was the start of ruin for us. I wasn't going to make the same mistake again and give her reason to be ashamed of being associated with me in public.
Armaan walked in just then to salvage the rest, "There you are, doll. Come, let's dance." He took her away, mouthing a thank you to me.
I smiled back though trying to hide the pain. As much as I wanted to take her away, have a quiet moment to ourselves, I knew she wouldn't approve of it right now. There was plenty I knew I had to tell her but I didn't know how to say it or where to start. And, the other fact is that this... dance.
Will there ever come a day for us where she will be comfortable around me enough for us to have that?
Having been lost in thoughts, I whirl to my right where my shoulder is tapped by someone coming up to me from behind. I found Lavanya there giving me a small smile before her eyes followed the direction I had been staring in.
She shook her head in disapproval, "I left you alone for one minute, Arnav, and you are back to being a Devdas."
I defended myself, "Hey, I am no drunk, heartbroken guy."
"But you are a heartbroken guy who occasionally tries to drink away his sorrows." She reworded the term - not that it helped make it sound any better or more approvable in her eyes.
When I didn't deem it necessary to answer as I couldn't counter her facts. I did try that a few times - drinking. I hated it, but I did try in hopes that my heart would stop aching and I could forget my regrets on how much I had hurt Khushi. But, ofcourse, drinking works only in short term. It's a distraction. Not a solution. And, it's beside the matter that I would always wake up feeling worse because it wouldn't take my sorrows away - only heightened them... allowed my control over my emotions to slip.
She took my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. "La, I'm not in the mood." I tried to fight it but she returned a sharp look.
"I don't get to go out much, Arnav, and so you are going to shut up, fix your mood, and put up with one dance for my sake - you know, given everything I do for you." She shamelessly ordered.
My jaw dropped a little in surprise, "You played that card."
She smirked back, "Yes, I did. Now, dance." She moved one of my hand to her back while held the other.
With a sigh, I followed. For about a minute, we continue moving to the slow dance in silence. But, perhaps having noticed my gaze kept stopping on Khushi every few seconds, she broke that silence with a question, "Why do you do this to yourself?"
The same topic again. "La," I said her name in an indication to not start this now. Not here.
She whisper-scolded, "No, Arnav. You can't 'La' me all the time. Eventually, you are going to have to talk about it."
"There is nothing to talk about," I denied.
She raised a challenging brow, "Isn't there? She needs to know what it does to you."
"She hasn't done anything wrong, Lavanya. So, please. I am requesting. Drop this."
She still shook her head in defiance, "No. Maybe you can let it be this easily because you may be used to accepting the blames that aren't yours to take but I am not. She was wrong not giving you a chance. In not trusting you enough and as your best friend, I am damn well entitled to be mad at her for it."
I wanted to make her understand why she shouldn't be mad at Khushi. I did, but how? In the initial days, I was mad myself but more than that, I was hurt that she didn't care as much as I thought she might to even give me a chance to explain myself. That anger eventually faded but all that remained was grief from having lost her.
I tried another method to get Lavanya to not be hostile because in her way, I knew she had a right to be mad. There were very few people she cared for and she didn't tolerate it easily when someone hurt them. I fell in that category and as such, I knew she'd need a push to forgive Khushi. "I told you, La. Clean slate. Can't you give her that too? For my sake?"
Her mouth opened, ready to protest but I kept looking at her with hope in my eyes that she would change her mind. She groaned in frustration eventually when I refused to blink away from that plea. "God, you are so unfair. Fine! I'll cut her some slack, but I swear; if she hurts you again..."
Before she would finish that threat, I cut in with a smile. "Thank you."
She rolled her eyes in annoyance, at me no doubt for asking her to do this. "Whatever." But, I knew. These are the kinds of things she'll do for people she cares for. She gives abundantly and with a pure heart.
I added carefully, "And you'll apologize for that stunt you pulled today."
She defended herself, "It was a harmless step!"
I sized her down while answering, "Correction: on her burnt foot."
Her eyes widened at the news with a gasp, "What?!"
This is what I mean: pure heart. She would never intentionally hurt someone.
I nodded to confirm what she must be thinking. Filled with regret, she let out another groan and dropped her head to my shoulder. "I didn't know that."
I rubbed her back to comfort her as I informed. "Kitchen accident."
She let out a scoff before looking up and advising, "That girl is a disaster waiting to happen. Seriously, she should be banned from entering kitchens. Safety hazard."
I laughed along in amusement - smiling this way after long months. The reason Lavanya knows this is because she is the one person I can talk to about Khushi. I must have told her everything. A couple of times, actually. There have been moments between us where she'll have to stop me in the middle of a recall to remind me that I had already told her this particular story.
I'd feel silly and stop myself but sometimes, Lavanya would listen to it a second and a third time too as somewhere, she too had made this connection. Recalling those light moments with Khushi were sometimes the only way I could get through my tough days.
I looked back at Khushi and she seemed to be arguing with Armaan about something. I'd have gotten concerned if not for the amusing look on Armaan's face that had me think he could have been teasing her about something and that was why Khushi looked irritated.
Once again, having followed my gaze, Lavanya asked. "When do you plan on telling her?"
"Hmm?" I asked returning my attention to her just as the song was ending and another was starting.
She elaborated, "About all your fucks ups - and I say this in the kindest way possible."
I was tempted to roll my eyes. Kindest. Yeah, right. That is a joke. But, on a serious note, I expressed my thoughts honestly. "I don't know how to. I mean, we are just starting to give this another start and I don't want to mess it up by bringing the past and trying to talk about it."
She nodded in understanding but still advised, "I get that, but Arnav, you need to clear the air. Don't let past skeletons roam for too long. You'll have to tell her everything eventually so fine, do find a starting point but do better."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, don't stay too focused on just helping her and being there for her like you did back then. If you two are going to try this whole 'being friends' thing, then actually be that. Don't just be a person she can talk to and depend on. You need to look at her too as someone you can talk to and trust. You can't push her away like you do others. You have to let her be there for you too."
My mind grasped her words clearly. I had thought about this plenty. I knew which flaws were there between us. Always, then, I was there to listen to anything she may have felt the need to share but I hadn't returned that trust. It kept being a one-way street and as Lavanya had advised then as well... I needed to learn to share my burdens too. I needed to learn to allow myself to be vulnerable around her. I didn't need to be strong all the time so she could rely on me. I needed to learn it was okay to sometimes be the one who was scared, to sometimes be the one who needed to rely on her to get me through a tough day.
We could do everything differently but if I still couldn't show her my trust, then everything we did wouldn't matter. Again.
I asked my best friend, "Baby steps?"
Because, deciding you needed to do something and actually doing the said thing were two different aspects. One required only will to change while the other required both will to bring a change and courage to actually make it happen.
She smiled with her soft gaze in support. "Baby steps."
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . C H A P T E R - 7.5 (2) : W E L L - P L A N N E D - T A C T I C. . . |
That night, as I return home, Lavanya's first instinct is to check on Aarav. I go with her to find him sleeping at the center of the bed with Anjali patting his head lightly. I imagine he must have just fallen asleep after giving her a tough time first. I touch Lavanya's shoulder and get her attention to inform her I was going to get going. After she smiles back, I walk out the doorway and make my way to my room.
After a quick change of clothes, I pull out my laptop to finish some work for the meetings I have tomorrow. But, the second I get comfortable in bed, my phone rings.
Reaching for it and on seeing it was Kripa, I answered it instead of letting it go to voicemail. "Hey Kripa," I greeted.
She replied back but in a low voice and with a sniff as if she had been crying. "Arnie."
I move the laptop aside to sit up properly in concern. "Kripa? What's wrong? What happened?"
She didn't answer right away. She just cried and with that, my worries increased. My instant guess is that she must have gotten into a verbal fight with her father. He had to have said something hurtful - as he always does. I do not understand where he gets all this bitterness from that he does not even spare his own daughter from it.
I tried to cajole, "Kripa, please, talk to me. Why are you crying?"
With another sniff, she pleaded. "I don't want to stay here, bhai. I don't. It's awful. I hate it. Please, can't I come there?"
"Ofcourse you can, Kripa." I answered softly to get through her teary state, "This is your house too. You can come here anytime."
"He - he won't let me," she said amidst a sob.
I hated hearing her crying and moreover, I hated not being physically present to console her. It took me atleast ten minutes to get her to stop crying and even when I kept asking what happened this time, what the fight was about, she wouldn't clearly say. All she kept saying was that it was awful, it was horrible, she hated it, she didn't want to stay there anymore, etc.
She pleaded after she had stopped crying and had let anger overtake her hurt, "Arnie, please come get me or else I swear, I am going to run away."
I stopped her mind from working overtime there itself, "Okay, okay. No need for such dramatics. I'll call him in the morning."
She countered, "No, Arnie. He's beyond reason. He won't let me come there with just a call."
I tried to explain, "But Kripa, if I came there, you know how that'll end. We'll have an even bigger fight and then there's no way he'll let you come here with me."
I knew... if he said anything wrong in front of me - about Kripa or just anything in general - I would go off on him and it would be a disaster waiting to happen. That would not work in Kripa's favor.
I heard her sigh at the other end of the call. She had to know this herself. She had witnessed one too many of our arguments to know the outcome would not be desirable. She asked, dejected, "So, what? I just stay here? I can't, Arnav. It's suffocating. I'd much rather have you be controlling and overprotective about me and you know how much I hate that already. So imagine how desperate I must be to give in to that."
I chuckled at her dramatic comparisons while pointing out, "I haven't been controlling for years now, Kripa. When will you stop holding that over my head?"
I could hear her smile in her teasing, "Yeah, yeah. You changed. I know who I have to thank for that."
At the hint of Khushi, I went silent.
After a moment, she seriously asked. "So, on a scale of 1 to infinity, how mad are you at me?"
I asked in confusion at the change of topic, "Mad?"
She explained, "Yeah, you know, for going behind your back and getting Khushi a job at AR."
"Ah. That," I said.
That day when I'd found out it could have been Kripa's doing only, I had come home to ask Anjali how and why she would let Kripa do this. She was at first confused on what I was talking about and then, after some thinking, she remembered a design Kripa had sent to her saying it was from a friend. Di had liked it and hadn't much thought about it or asked who the friend was as she wasn't interested in names. The work had impressed her enough and as such, she'd given Kripa an electronic copy of our hiring template to give to her friend.
The only part I didn't know for sure was how Kripa had gotten her hands on Khushi's design. I could only guess that she must have been sneaking around in her room to come across it. I'd asked Anjali to check if she had a copy of whatever design Kripa had sent as I wanted to see what Khushi could have sketched that impressed di enough to want to hire her with that one sketch only when normally, we look at an entire portfolio of a designer before appointing them.
Kripa replied, "Yes. That."
Despite her question of how mad I was, I answered in something she must have not expected. "Thank you for that." I did not have so much pride that I couldn't thank my own sister for doing something meant to help me.
Next, I heard her wince. "Ow."
Brows burrowed, I questioned, "Kripa?"
She chuckled, "Yeah, here. I just had to pinch myself to be sure I wasn't dreaming."
I rolled my eyes. I am surrounded by nautanki's. "Funny."
"Whatever. And I deserve more than a thank you for doing what I did. Do you have any idea the troubles I had to go through to make this happen? All because you were being silly and wouldn't approach her, I had to send her to you."
With every sentence of her ramble, I found myself smiling. When did I get so lucky to have such a loving sister? Some years ago, our relationship was not this smooth. We had way too many fights and disagreements. We couldn't see eye to eye and she couldn't understand me. I always had her back but yes, I do admit how wonderful it feels to know she returned that feeling. That she had my back too now. That even if we had differences in our opinions still on some matters, we could atleast respect the other's perspective rather than badger it bluntly.
When I didn't answer, she asked, "Hello? Are you even listening to me?"
"Yes, Kripa." I answered biting back my smile.
"So, promise to get me anything I want?"
"It has to be reasonable."
"I don't make unreasonable demands." She said and before I could argue with some past facts, she put the banter aside. "But anyway, back to the problem at hand. Get me out of here."
I couldn't go there so that left with one option. I relayed that idea, "I could send di there."
She gasped but not in surprise. It was one of approval. "Yes! Perfect. She'll be calm and all unlike the two of us."
We all knew... her soft nature often came in handy in times of pressure. She could find a way to get everyone to agree to a compromise and stop fighting. And because she looked so sweet, none of us could raise our voices at her.
I pointed out the only problem, "She is not going to be happy with us trying to manipulate him."
Kripa went on to assure me, "Psh, it not called manipulation. It's a well-planned tactic. And just remind her how much she likes having me around if she gets all hesitant about," she yawned before completing her sentence, "doing this."
I told myself the same thing. Well-planned tactic. I hope she'll agree because it would be nice to have Kripa here. She deserves that freedom else I know all about the unreasonable restrictions her father, our uncle, places on her.
"Alright, if she's awake, I'll talk to her now else tomorrow. You just hang in there, okay?"
"Yeah... thanks, Arnie."
I smiled in response. She has no idea just what I could do for my sisters. "Ofcourse, sis. Now, c'mon, no more crying and go to sleep, okay?"
"No more crying, got it."
"Good night," I bid her and after her similar response, ended the phone call.
I went out of my room to check but on finding Anjali sleeping, it was decided that I would have to talk to her about this tomorrow morning. Returning to my room, I momentarily eyed my laptop, recalling what I meant to do before Kripa's call. But, tired, I mentally shook my head.
No. Sleep first.
As hard as it had been to fall asleep in the last few months, with a heavy heart and a conscious filled with guilt, tonight, I do not realize when I dozed off while making a mental list of everything I wished to share with Khushi and how I should go about trying to repair our relationship.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |
I hope you liked the fresh Arnav's POV! Had fun writing it and just exploring his other relationships and giving more of Lavanya and Kripa in edited plot as promised! Let me know your thoughts as well! I know I am not replying to comments lately as I am not getting the time but I do read all of them and surely will reply as I have some down time. So keep them coming :D
PS: tapas readers, I believe until chapter 11 is already posted there? I will do my best to post more updates there this weekend so you can read ahead!