I know- a month between chapters, I'm getting dreadful, but my final GCSEs are approaching and, well, I'm terrified and revising hard. I also had a bereavement so sorry that I wasn't around.
Forget that, though- here's a brand new chapter. Hopefully the next one won't take a month again.
18,000 reads?! This is getting crazy. Thank you all again. I appreciate every read, vote and comment so so much!
Have a lovely week!
Lots of love,
fluffie xoxo
Chapter 42 ~ Misty Cooper
I didn't know where I was; I'd entered found the first empty room I'd found- but it was cold.
It was all true. All those rumours, everything I was sworn by all those smoshers. I wasn't being cheated on: I was the mistress. Ian was always with Lily. He just used me as his play thing.
Ian was cheating on Lily with me. He allowed me to be beaten up by an entire fanbase. He brought me here, but who did he really want to see? Lily.
The way he kissed her, the way their lips entertwined, their tongues touched...it seemed too comfortable, too routine. Like they always did it. It came too naturally, the way she looked at him, the way she tapped him on the shoulder as if he'd just gotten a bit distracted from their kiss. Her light words: 'What are you looking at?' were composed. It was undeniable. He still loved her.
I struggle to empty the picture from my head, but I c a n ' t. It replays in my head like a little film. Ian's soft lips are meant to kiss mine like that, not hers. His icy eyes have to interlock with my dark brown ones, not her contact lense green ones. It's as if someone has cut me out and pasted her into my position instead; all I can do is look on and watch.
I want to be away, away from everything. Stay hidden, pretend I don't exist.
As if nothing ever happened.
There's a general blur of noise. Back in that bar, it's probably as if nothing really has happened. They don't realise that one girl's life has crumbled before her eyes within the last few minutes. It's all in rubble around her, not even worth picking up the pieces. How for a minute could she have believed that somebody really loved her? She was a freak, a ugly, short, weird freak. And she thought she could have dated internet star Ian Hecox?
I'm furious, I'm upset, I'm having a mental breakdown...but it's too late.
I couldn't ever change my feelings. I still loved Ian.
He became the love of my life all too long ago.
It's cold...so cold. It's summer. I know it's raining outside, still, but it's usually like a warm shower. I keep shivering for no reason. It's as if I'm in a mental asylum. Maybe they'll throw me into one for being crazy enough to believe that I could date Ian Hecox.
All the fans were right. I wasn't a slut, but Ian was.
I gave him my heart, but he had already given his to someone else.
I'd tried so hard this weekend. I'd had a shitty day, I'd been kicked around by the smosh fans, I'd dealt with all of it. I was the one with all the hate, the texts. It was rough, and I kept pushing through, fighting, persevering. I still stayed happy for Ian, to not ruin anything for him. I gave him everything, because he was my everything. I was prepared to deal with anything to be with the person I truly loved. I was desperate to not ruin this weekend for him. The tables have been truly turned. But not only my weekend has been ruined.
It's only Friday night. The weekend technically hasn't even started.
He really didn't care, just as I'd began to think. I was getting all this suffering which was affecting absolutely everything I had, and he didn't care, did he?
So why did he want me?
Even if he did love me, he'd lied. He'd reassured me thousands of times that it would all be okay, that everything the fans were saying was a lie. But the Lily stuff was true. He'd kept me up for some reason: probably to obtain some extra money by letting me stay.
I want Ian in my arms, but I want to push him away for betraying me. I want to kiss him, but I want to duct tape his mouth so he can't lie to me again. I want to love him, but I feel like I can't, I shouldn't, I wouldn't.
But I know I still am in love with him, even if he doesn't give a fuck about me.
Where do I go now?
I looked down at my dress in the dim light. It was crinkled and creased. I was still grasping my clutch bag, which had fingernail marks across the clasp. There was tears rolling steadily from my eyes which I knew wouldn't end anytime soon.
There really is nowhere to go. Kristie has gallivanted off with Chris Kendall. Anthony and Kalel are probably as in on Ian's plan as he was. I had no other friends.
The only place I want to go is back in time.
I stood up wobbily, staggering a little as I'd been sat down in the same curled up position for so long. I stumbled to the light switch, and found myself in the janitor's closet, with the fan blaring; the source of all the coldness. The only place to go was out. I couldn't stay here forever.
I hastily threw open the door, not knowing what I would do once I left, just wanting to escape. I was exposed to blaring bright lights: I was in the upstairs lounge. Keeping my head down, I headed to the lift and pressed the button quickly, so that I could at least go down a floor and get out of this building and find somewhere to think about things, even though I knew I wouldn't get any further on what to do.
When the lift eventually arrived, I rushed in, head down, hoping to trick those inside the lift that I didn't exist. But there was only one other person inside.
'Misty?'
'Phil?' I asked, looking up to check. It was. His face emulated genuine concern as he placed a pale hand on my shoulder.
'Are you alright?'
'Erm, yeah,' I sniffed, knowing that he would see straight through my obvious lie. 'Just...hayfever.'
'No it's not.' Phil stared straight into my eyes- and straight through my lies too, as I expected. 'Dude, what's wrong?'
I sighed shakily and furiously wiped the tears off my cheeks, bringing thick smudges of black eyeliner with it. 'It's hard to explain.'
'Come to our room for a while, I'm going up anyway. You can vent, or we can just watch TV,' Phil offered.
'It's-' I tried to persist.
'Seriously,' Phil insisted. 'I can't leave you like this. Where's Ian?'
As much as I tried to resist it, I broke down again, thinking of Ian, all the lies. Phil appeared to understand, and wrapped his arm around my side.
'Please don't cry. Look, the least I can do is make you a cup of tea.'
I eventually gave in and agreed, and Phil led us to his and Dan's room a couple of floors up, unlocked the door with the card and let me in. I thanked him gratefully and entered awkwardly. This was weird: I was currently socialising with one of my idols, but at the same time I was crying. One of the best and worst things was currently happening, but simultaneously. It was almost dreamlike; a nightmare which had subsided slightly, but still remained, consuming and frightening me.
Phil turned the room kettle on, told me to sit on the bed, and dropped two teabags into a pair of mugs. As he waited for the kettle to boil, he sat down beside me. I dropped my clutch onto the bed and folded my arms up tight around myself.
'Are you alright?' he inquired with concern. 'I couldn't stand seeing you like that. You were so happy yesterday.'
I didn't know whether to tell him the truth or not. In the end, I suppose he'd find out anyway. Or maybe he already knew. But something inside me was screaming not to tell anyone.
I sniffed and composed myself. 'It's-' I stopped myself. 'I-I'm not sure if I want to say,' I whispered, wiping my eyes again as the tears wouldn't stop.
'Misty...I promise it'll be okay,' said Phil. 'You're here now. Whatever happens, it can't get to you here.'
I thought about what Phil had just said. I supposed that Ian couldn't hurt me anymore here. I didn't have to watch him betray me. Even though I couldn't escape my conflicting thoughts, it was marginally better being here with Phil than to be down there watching the love of my life prove to me that he didn't really love me like I loved him.
'Thanks, Phil.' I smiled for the first time since everything had happened.
'What are friends for?' Phil replied, as the kettle clicked. He launched himself up and poured the water evenly into both mugs.
'How do you take it?' Phil queried.
'Just with milk,' I replied, sniffing intensely to try and stop myself from crying any more. It was working more than it was earlier.
'The proper English way,' Phil chuckled. 'I'm proud.'
'How about you?'
'The same way. Dan, however, hates tea.'
'Seriously?!' I asserted. 'What does he drink in the mornings instead?'
'Hot chocolate, or coffee.'
'As good as both of those are, nothing can beat a good cup of tea,' I expressed, as Phil handed me mine. I clutched it in both hands and let it warm them up.
'So what's Dan up to tonight?' I asked inquisitively, suddenly wondering why Phil wasn't downstairs.
'He tends to go a bit wild on these sorts of nights. He usually goes off with a girl or something. I don't. I just have a beer or two and then go back. PJ and Chris usually do the same as me, though. They save themselves for girls they really like, I guess.'
I thought of Kristie, as much as I didn't want to. I didn't know if I wanted to see her. I just wanted to return back to before this all happened, but at the same time I was almost enjoying this time with Phil.
'Wait, what's the time?'
Phil pulled his phone out of his pocket. I remembered my clutch beside me, and thought about the phone inside. I wondered if Ian had tried to phone me or text me. I honestly didn't know if I wanted to check or not.
'It's 11,' Phil answered.
'11!?'
'Yeah.'
'But just a minute ago, it was 9...and...' I must have been crouched in that closet for longer than I thought. I tried to cast my mind away from the thought of that dank, dark closet. Right now, I was concentrating on not crying in front of Phil. I'd embarrassed myself enough over the past six months.
'Don't worry,' Phil soothed me. 'Stay here as long as you want. Stay the night- I doubt Dan will be coming back. He'll probably spend the night in a friend's room.'
'No- I couldn't, Phil. But thankyou-'
'Seriously. It's no trouble,' Phil assured me. 'Unless Ian-' Phil clamped his hand over his mouth.
'Sorry, I didn't mean to mention him...' Phil apologised. 'I just-'
'Don't worry, I guessed you already knew that I was being cheated on.'
'What?' Phil yelped.
'Oh...I guess not,' I sighed, looking down, wishing I hadn't said anything at all, wishing that I could just leave and pretend I'd never met any of these people. I'd rather have no friends than be in this situation.
'I...I just thought you and Ian'd had an argument...' Phil confessed. 'I...I'm so sorry. You probably didn't want me to know-'
'Well, it's a bit late now,' I said with a hint of sarcasm, and then resigned entirely. 'It was Lily,' I admitted. 'His ex. Well, I thought she was his ex, I guess not. Everything seems to make sense: everything those fans told me was true. He was cheating on Lily with me. Or he was cheating on me with Lily. It's the same sad story no matter how you put it.' My eyes began to well up again, and I didn't bother stopping them. It was too much effort. Ian had betrayed me- how couldn't I cry?
'Misty...' Phil empathised, and pulled me in for a long hug. 'Look, I'm here for as long as you need me. You can rant, cry, scream, whatever.'
'Thankyou,' I snuffled. 'It's just after all this time-'
'I know,' Phil consoled me. 'Look, please stay here. I don't want you on your own like this.'
'But Dan might-'
'He won't, don't worry. And if he does, he can share the bed with me.'
'Too bad I don't ship Phan,' I smiled and Phil laughed, and I laughed with him. The waves of laughter temporarily made me forget what had happened tonight. There were tears still running down my face, but there was laughter escaping from my mouth, which briefly counteracted the tears.
I nodded. 'Okay, I'll stay. Thanks, Phil.'
'Make yourself comfortable,' Phil smiled. 'Oh, and clothes...'
'Eh, I got a vest on beneath this dress.'
'Do you want me to go-'
'No, please don't,' I insisted. 'I'll be fine.'
I guess that night was both awkward and what I needed: Phil didn't insist on knowing the details, and just treated me as a friend would. We watched American TV, complaining about how the saturation of colour was different to English TV. We talked about England and discovered that we actually lived pretty close to each other, about 15 minutes drive, even though I guess I didn't live there anymore. I really didn't know what was going to happen housewise. I wanted to just get through this weekend. Then maybe I would decide whether to carry on living in Sacramento as a very awkward roommate, or just head home. Then I guess I could hang with Phil, even though I doubted he'd want to.
At about 1 we began getting into bed. Dan wasn't back. I remained in merely my tights and vest, feeling slightly exposed but at least I could hide under the covers. Phil rolled into the bed opposite and grinned.
'You can stay here tomorrow night as well, you know, Misty.'
'Phil, you don't have to do this for me-'
'It's fine. What are friends for?'
'It's weird how only a week ago I was just a watcher of your videos. And now we're friends.'
'Well, Misty, it's kind of hard to dislike you. You're really funny, and kind and nice. I know you don't really want to talk about it, but Ian really missed out on a lovely girl. I don't see why he did what he did.'
I could have ran up and hugged Phil, but I couldn't. He was so perfect; but something inside me held me back. I knew I had to accept that Ian had Lily and was happy with her. Ian had hurt me, broken my heart and caused me to feel this pain, but I still loved him. And I felt like I couldn't give my heart to anyone else; I'd lost mine to Ian. Now, I felt like I couldn't love anybody else.
'No, it's okay,' I murmured instead. 'I really appreciate what you said, Phil. Thank you. I guess my best for Ian just wasn't good enough.'
'Misty, I don't want to force anything upon you- but I really can't imagine Ian doing that. He's always seemed so honest and loyal.'
'I know, I know. But the way it all happened seemed too...realistic. They were french kissing, everything.'
'It's just...on Thursday, the way he looked at you and everything he did- Ian seemed so in love with you.'
'I guess it wasn't, though,' I sighed, feeling the pang in my stomach again.
'I'm sorry it had to happen to you, T.'
'Sorry you've had to deal with me in this state.'
'It's been my pleasure- well, obviously not seeing you in this state, but it was nice having you over.' Phil was sat right next to me, and had his hand gently perched on my knee. Anybody else, and I would have been worried and slightly uncomfortable. Phil was close to me, and his eyes met mine. But Phil, gentleman Phil, didn't go any closer. He smiled and stood up.
'I think I'm ready to go to bed. I'm ridiculously tired.'
'Same here. Phil, is it alright if I get your number?' I asked. 'Just because I...I don't know. It would be good having someone there on call if I do need somewhere to sit for a while.'
'Of course,' Phil insisted. I rustled for my phone in the dark- I hadn't checked it all night. My phone was stuffed of calls from Ian, but surprisingly only a few from Kalel and Anthony. Ian seemed to have stopped over the last hour, though. I had one text from Kristie:
Dude, I'm in Chris's hotel room! He's just gone to pee, but we're getting on so well. I think he likes me :D :D :D
Seeing Kristie have guys love her made me feel both happy and envious at the same time.
I scrolled past all my texts and added the number which Phil dictated to me.
'Before we sleep,' Phil recalled. 'I will probably be up way earlier than you tomorrow. Ignore me, sleep as long as you like.'
'Thanks,' I said gratefully. 'For everything,' I added.
'You're welcome, anytime,' Phil said. 'If I see Ian tomorrow-'
'Just say that I want some time alone for the moment.'
'Okay.'
'Don't let this ruin your friendship with Ian,' I pleaded. 'Just carry on as per normal. There's no need to side with anyone. This is between me and him and I don't mind what others think of him.'
'You're so much calmer than you were, Misty.'
'I don't know how I'm feeling. There's such a mix of emotions that I just feel sort of empty. Like my brain's had an overload and deleted everything.'
Phil chuckled. 'Maybe the morning will give you time to think. Text me if there's any problems. You're welcome to stay.'
'Thanks dude, you're the best.'
And as I slowly drifted to sleep, the emptiness continued. I didn't know what to feel.
HeartbrokenUpsetAngryDepressedSeethingSadFuriousConfusedBetrayedUgly