Authors note- One of my favourite photos of Zak, taken at the Los Coches Adobe. 🖤🖤
*
I sighed contently as Zak's fingers played with my hair gently as my head was on his shoulder. It was almost as if no time had passed between us from 5 years ago as Zak would occasionally press a kiss on my forehead.
We'd been in a comfortable silence for a couple of hours but I knew he had questions so I waited and sure enough one arose.
"How bad was it?" He asked softly.
My heart sank slightly on the conversation topic, but in a hopes that we weren't on about it. I asked him to decide.
"Childbirth? Or-"
"How bad did I hurt you Lettie?" He asked moving slightly so I would lift my head off his shoulder.
I sat up and looked at my hands "It was forgivable."
"How bad?" He asked firmly eyeing the photos again.
I looked down at the two he had chosen from the pile. The worst ones..
"I couldn't eat, or sleep.. I cried for hours, begged for some kind of tablet to make it all go away. Not Avari, but the heartache, it felt as though it was broken, properly torn apart, that you had the other half in your hand and clenched it in for fun. Like Avari spilled... I still cried when I saw you."
He placed the photos down frowning st his hands. "I'm sorry for doing that to you."
"I guess you didn't see how hard I fell. I worshiped you Zak, like a God I followed everything you said. I was.. I was immersed by you. You told me at the beginning, you warned me not to fall for you, that it was only a one time kinda thing, but it became regular. You showed you cared and I guess those lines, well they faded. But don't blame yourself, or try and turn it into something else. I was naïve and I wanted your attention. Maybe I was kinda sick in some way I never thought I could breathe without you.. and I don't know how that started but I'm better now, I promise."
His hand took mine silently and squeezed it gently "Is it because you have a little part of me? Always?" He asked.
Truthfully, I nodded "Avari was a beautiful accident. One I will never regret, but she is my baby. Our little girl, and although I knew I would never have you, I had her and it was okay." I laughed slightly "She's so much like you as well. Her mannerisms, her sleeping position, even her argumentative side."
"I'm not argumentative."
"You are."
"No I'm no-" he paused as I gave him a knowing look.
"Maybe I am a bit." He mumbled.
"She has your eyes, the type that show so much light but can hold so much dark. Your dark hair too. I'm still looking for parts of me." I replied lifting up my favourite photo of her.
It was around a year old when she was sitting up unaided, her hooded towel draped around her with a wide smile and bright eyes.
"The nose, she has your nose, her laugh it's like yours. I fell in love with it the moment I heard it and you're caring side... She has that too." Zak confirmed.
"Not bad parents are we for a whore and a sleazy pervert." I joked.
He laughed "I didn't mean that, I was just anger and in shock that's all. Sorry... Again."
I nodded "Oh and guess what else she gets from you?" I asked him.
He shook his head.
"Red food dye allergy."
"Oh really? Woah. Well I guess she's mine after all."
I rolled my eyes "Yeah I guess so."
Our comfortable silence came back for a few minutes before he spoke again.
"I couldn't sleep when you left, I went over everything, every conversation we had. Every text, I went to your place and tried every day and night. I thought you were...- then my mom saw you. I was so relieved but angry. You weren't suppose to leave me, anyone but you." He informed me.
"I wish I knew.. But then maybe it was for the best. You weren't ready to be a Daddy, maybe you aren't now? But the hardest bits are done. She's an amazingly caring beautiful little girl who loves your dog to pieces."
He smiled at that bit of information. "Yeah, well the feeling is mutual. Gracie didn't leave her bed for two days unless it was for the toilet. I think she's getting some separation anxiety. I don't know what Avari did.." he replied.
"They became partners in crime. Just like we were once upon a time." I replied making him chuckle.
"They will never be as bad as us. God.." He shook his head with a grin.
"How we kept our hotel rooms sometimes was beyond me? And how I kept my job for so long." I giggled.
"I always had your back."
"Yeah until the cops were called! You would throw me to the dogs and run!" I laughed remembering the time they were called to a hotel because we decided to mattress surf down a grand staircase.
We had a few too many drinks that night...
"I think you'll find I hid you, you were a wanted fugitive with no mattress." He laughed as I elbowed him.
"I think you find, that you were the one caught going down the stairs... I was the one laying on your back holding on."
He laughed at the memory before turning to look at me "God I've missed you."
"Missed you too. Dweeb."
He leant over and pressed a kiss onto my forehead before pulling back gently. I stayed still feeling the urge circulate my body into pulling his head down and kissing him properly but if I opened that floodgate, I couldn't guarantee that I could stop it.
His nose brushed on my cheek trying to gently guide my face up to his when I pushed my forehead down onto his chin.
"Don't.."
"Why won't you let me?" He asked quietly. "Is it because of Holly?"
I nodded and then shrugged.
"Forever the contradiction." He mumbled.
"I can't because I can't guarantee where it will end." I replied moving back to see his face. The look in his eyes told me where it would end.. In a bed.
His face came close to mine making me shrink back "Would it be that bad?"
I wanted to reply, but his phone interrupted me, so instead I looked down to his pocket. He grumbled a few curses and pulled it out.
Holly's name was on the screen, as if she was a heaven sent or hell sent reminder as to why we shouldn't do anything we would regret.
He declined the call and looked to me when it started again..
"Zak it's almost 4am. She is probably wondering where you are?" I answered.
"Hmm.. Not that I particularly care. I meant what I said... I want to be here, with you and Avari."
I sighed quietly "We can arrange times for you and Avari."
"I want to see you as well, I can come over, put Avari to bed and read to her. Then we can have dinner or something?" He asked pushing his finger gently into my leg.
"I don't kn-"
"Please Scar?"
I pondered wondering what was the worst that could happen, nodding I agreed on a trail run for us to build a friendship again, right now it was all about him and Avari bonding, that's my
main priority.
His phone began ringing again making him shut it off without a second glance. "You better head home." I whispered.
"Yeah, apparently.."
I got up with him and walked him to the door whilst he held his hoody in his hand.
"Got your keys?" I asked.
"Got it all, apart from a goodnight kiss."
I lifted a brow at him earning myself a cheeky smile. He pressed a kiss on my forehead once again and wrapped his hoody around me letting me push my arms into the sleeves.
"There.." he whispered lifting my chin gently.
"Look okay?"
"Beautiful as always. I alway said you looked good in my clothes."
"Hmm, you've also said other things too."
"Like what? Oh you're good without clothes too. Is that what you mean?" He laughed as I nodded.
"Are you tainting my pure thoughts with unclean ones?" He teased.
"Oh yeah, cause it's always me. Right?"
He nodded "Always. Ring me tomorrow, please?" He asked opening the door slowly.
"I will."
"Goodnight Scarlett."
I smiled up at him "Goodnight Zak."
As I watched him leave and drive down the road out of sight, I locked up the house and tidied up before sitting down in the warmth of his hoody and inhaling the cologne deeply.
I felt the dizziness in my mind and the slight fogging. His scent was a drug to me and I found myself after 5 years sober, high all over again.