The two of us remain quiet until we arrive and before I can open the door to leave Jim decides to pipe up, "Ali listen," His voice is laced with too much concern. "just be careful, alright? And they are throwing you a bit of a welcome back party." Sighing I nod in response as the two of us depart the car and head straight for the office.
Walking inside I feel positivity radiate, looking around banners are hanging and suddenly all of the staff appear, "Welcome back Ali!" They yell enthusiastically.
Covering my mouth I can feel my smile getting larger, dimples on display as I take my hands away. In complete awe I struggle to form a response, actual words that could make sense. "I just, I," Stuttering over myself I just walk up to my boss, hugging him tightly. "thank you, all of you."
We all talk for a while, catch up on the events I've missed in the past two months. Carter came over and we both spoke about Maddie, informing me on some information Jim may have missed out on telling me. As we all left the office to start our jobs before the zoo officially opened to the public I wandered around the grounds I missed, picking out the different enclosures and animals I'd wave to on route to seeing Maddie and the others.
Reaching the large sign to Maddies infamous enclosure I smiled, she was awake and walking lengths of the open space. "Hey girl." I spoke up as I neared the cage, placing my hand on the bars as she turned her head, glancing my way.
When I first started I never thought nor expected to form an attachment to the animals here, I was going to just do my job at the end of the day but after a month or so Maddie along with our Exmoor beast were ones I always cared for the most. Some days I'd go and see Michael, the penguin guy and feed the penguins prior to a show. Then when Jim came along a year or so later my bond and attachment only grew, now I couldn't imagine being anywhere else besides here.
Getting on with my usual jobs Jim helps me more than normal having taken on more responsibilities since my absence. "Attention staff the zoo will be opening in ten minutes. I repeat ten minutes until we open, that is ten minutes until opening hours. Thank you." Carter announced over the speakers which were replaced by animal noises, something that I haven't missed to say the least.
"You ready?" Jim asked as we threw Maddies food in for her, to which she quickly went through as we moved onto the other cats.
Watching him throw the food in as I admired the serenity of the quiet zoo I shrugged my shoulders, "As I'll ever be." Half smiling we took the empty containers back to the kitchens and took our usual positions.
I stood by Maddie, prepping myself for the enthusiasm I need to get me through the day. We are usually quiet until at least 1pm, considering we are more out of reach than the other animals as the cats need more space to run. Mentally I run through my usual points that have been etched into my memory, my smile already in place.
Most of the morning had past and the sun was coming into closer view along with excited voices. Moving out of the cooling shade I stood back up as a few people neared the enclosure, pointing to Maddie whilst I quietly stood by. My job is to speak if I'm asked a question or on the rare occasion I do a talk with visitors then I get to do that but currently I'm just watching by on both Maddie and visitors.
"Hi, does it have a name?" A girl, no more than ten asks me with her parents close by and visitors behind them, all listening in.
Smiling I motion for them to all come closer and get a better look at her whilst she was lying still. "Her name is Maddie, she is our only Cheetah here at the zoo and she is five years old." She looks to her parents and they smile back to her, she thanks me and I go back to observing.
Later in the day more people pass by, I answer a few questions here and there but mostly I just watch. That was until I felt a tap on my shoulder with just under an hour left until we closed for the day and I opted to sit in the shade, relax for the remainder of the day since most visitors would be at the gift shop by this point. Turning and lifting my head I saw three girls, most likely to be around 15, even 16.
They all wore a similar look in their eyes of surprise and shock. Perplexed by their look directed at me as opposed to the gracious Cheetah before them I spoke up, "Can I help you girls?" I asked politely as I stood up and walked over towards the enclosure in case they had some question.
One girl stood in front of the other two, dark brown hair with bright blue eyes filled with joy. "You're her aren't you?" I could feel my stomach drop, the weight of my lungs forcing themselves onto my stomach slowly but surely crushing everything else. "Ali Sugg." Her smile like the two behind her widened as I remained speechless.
"I erm," Struggling to comprehend words I swallowed the lump forming in my throat as the albatross only grew heavier. "You must have me mistaken with someone else." I state as I clear my throat, yet despite my best efforts they exchange a look. They don't buy it.
Behind her the girl to her left pipes up, "But you look just like her, and your name is Ali." She states, scoffing lightly.
"I'm not sure what you're on about or what your intentions are here girls but I'm sorry. My name is Alison, I'm not entitled to share my full details with you. If you want to know anything about the big cats here then I can assist you but besides that I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do." Remaining calm and professional they soon walk away, glancing down at their phones.
Once they are out of sight I let my chest rise and fall frantically as I try and take a few deep breaths and back out of the sunlight, sitting on the bench gripping tightly. Keeping still I pondered over what I could do, the possibilities that could take place. I could dye my hair, wear contacts, use makeup to my advantage? The ideas circled my thoughts until Carter announcements were made; "It is now six o'clock, may any visitors please make their way to the exit. Thank you for visiting us today, we hope you enjoyed yourselves as much as we have had having you." I couldn't help but scoff having just had that brief encounter.
Now I had to help any visitors wandering to the exit, as I moved Jim waved my way and I smiled to him, not a single part forced for once. "What would you think about me being a brunette?" I asked him and he lightly held my arm.
"What happened?" Concern laced his voice which made me lower my head. I explained it to him, the minor encounter that I doubt would mean anything. "You shouldn't have to change yourself Ali, not for anyone. Truth is that you knew the issues that could arise when you filmed that video, you just have to live with these decisions. Your options are to live with it or continue to deny it." His words rang true, those were my options whether I liked them or not.
We continued to walk along nearing the office to sign out for the day, all visitors had been escorted by this time. The two us remained fairly quiet as I reflected over it, the thought of having to disguise who I am every day in and out. Even the mere thought pained me and I made the decision, I'd live with it.
Signing out we walk to his car and get in, just before he starts the car up I stop him. "I'm Ali Sugg, whether they like it, chose to believe it or not. It is who I am and I shouldn't have to hide or disguise myself." Proudly I proclaim and Jim smiles to me, beaming.
"I couldn't be prouder of you Ali, getting your life back in order." He reached over and tightly hugged me, the sort of hug that was needed filled with affection and memories, the longing behind it. "Just one thing." Pulling away he gripped the steering wheel as he started the car, "What about everyone else?" He asked as he began to drive out.
My eyes followed the 'thank you for visiting' sign, the details surrounding me being those I have remembered off by heart. Once the sights around us became the same with every passing car I sighed. "I guess they'll be the next thing on my list to sort out." Resting my head in my hand I watch as cars whiz by whilst it feels as if we are being forced to move slowly, at a speed incomprehensible. "There are a lot of people I need to talk to, I just don't know where to start."
All of their names pass by in a flash, Jack, Finn, Dan, Phil, Louise, Marcus, Alfie, Caspar, Joe, Zoe, my parents, my other brother Peter. There were so many things to do, so many things to say I struggled to fathom the amount of discussions I need to have.
"Also, Ali there is someone in particular I'd like you to speak to." I knew what he meant, he knew I'd purposefully forget them. "I know you lied to me this morning." It was like being scolded, his words were so sincere but held so much pain. "Tomorrow evening, we are working half a day I've arranged it. We will go see them then, okay?" I nodded in response before zoning out again focusing on the scenes passing us by.
Nice try Ali, but you'll never get your life in order.