Pandora's Box

Hearing Goodbye II

My heart skips
Chest tight
Body heavy
I'm not feeling right
Stomach nauseas
Arms
Knees
Too weak
My eyes sting
From the salt of tears
And sweat
As drops pile up
Making my forehead gleaming
Making my eyes red
And my face tenses
From holding back the tears
In all my years of life
This is the worst of my fears
Facing dragons can't quite scare me enough
As much as this does
I chew my bottom lip
I chew my inner cheeks
Because I know everyone would hear Me grinding my teeth
My body can't stay steady
As I tremble
And shake
Yet this isn't excitement
That's got me in such disarray
My fingers can't handle it
And they tear at my flesh
The flesh of my wrists
The flesh of my forearm
The flesh of my palm and other fingers too
I s-st-stutter
As if I didn't already know what I wanted to say
But I do
Yet I can't say it anyway
What comes out instead
It's some mush of faux acceptance
The worlds getting blurry and distorted
Flickering in and out of darkness as my eyelids go into overdrive
They can't help it
Because my heart's overclocking too
Yet this sweat and this air I'm trying to gulp in
Isn't enough to keep me cool
I'm sure I just said "I'm fine"
Or maybe it was "I'll be fine"
Though neither of which are true
My fingers feel warm
I've drawn my own blood
My mouth feels warm
I've drawn my own blood
I'd taste the rust
If my tongue wasn't feeling like it's rusting away
My skin proceeds to crawl
Much like how I wanna crawl away
And hide in some secret place
And cry and cry
And cry and cry
My worries away
I just said something like, "It's alright"
It's a lie
And even the blind could see the pain in this smile
I can't see though
Not until these tears I'm holding back
Become too heavy and spill
Good thing I can't hear either
Over my thoughts screaming,
"WHY WHY WHY?!"
Because I know with every sound I make
I'm whimpering with every word that I say
You'll say the final words
The ones that I saw coming from a mile away
Realizing my greatest fear
As I say "okay"
Probably for the hundredth time today
Then we both walk away.