Victoria's POV
A warmth that what wakes me, disturbance in the current of air that swirls around just above my back. No touch is felt as his fingertips hover over the exposed flesh.
Clutching the fabric of my pillowcase I put my nose to the material inhaling only my scent. What horrors await me today as flashes of memories of yesterday have my gut clenching tight with pain.
"Who did that to you?" Fin questions out into the stillness of the morning. I only hear the richness of his voice as it somehow sweeps over my body in such a way I actually feel it's rushing current. The mate bond cannot be denied, the effect is a hurricane in otherwise still waters.
Only the lightest touch is felt as his one finger traces the intricate lines of the whips marks. The lines, old and faded with time but a constant reminder of my pride.
"When I was young, my father schooled me in the art of obedience. He kept trying to break my pride over and over again." The truth of my words hangs heavy in the air between us. I keep my eyes closed sighing when he pulls his touch away from me, leaving me with an emptiness.
"Why are you in my room?" It comes out harsh.
He's violated my sanctuary with his presence the very air that I breathe in is now tainted with another smell.
This is the only place where I can truly relax and let my guard down, now he stands within these walls of my private sanctum....he has even taken this away from me.
"I came here to apologize for your brother." My chest squeezes tight with the thought of Elliot. Shutting my eyes I try to prevent the pain I'm feeling from leaking out.
"You should have told me Victoria." Regret is that what I'm hearing in his voice, I shake it off as I roll over getting out of the covers.
I feel the way his eyes take in my nakedness, the way they hover over every single inch of exposed skin. The smell of want pours heavy from his body, the bond no match for his resolve. No matter what he thinks of me, he can only fight it for so long before it overwhelms him...catches him off guard.
I don't hide my skin, there's no need to feign shyness, I'm not that type of female.
"You jump to conclusions too fast...that's not a quality in a good leader," I say this as I put on my sports bra and underwear.
"Can you blame me with your track record." Pulling my tank top down over my head facing him.
"Finian" Pointing a finger at him.
"I have only been with one male, one time only and unfortunately it was your brother. If it's an apology you're looking for you won't get one. I don't regret it." Pulling my jeans up, sitting on the edge of the bed putting on my socks.
"I only regret that it was your brother, I regret the pain it's caused you and him, I regret that in your eyes I'm tarnished beyond repair. I know you hate me Fin but it's nothing compared to the way I hate myself."
I'm starting to get agitated, bristling towards him. "Charlie was my best friend, he had a mate and children Finian, never could I do that...never." Trying desperately not to let my voice crack with the weight of what his death has done to my soul.
"If anything it should be me getting your apologies, you have had so many that when I look at you I feel an overwhelming shame for you."
I might not be his full height but in this room away from all eyes, it's just him and I. Looking directly into his eyes, challenging him to find any lies in my words.
He takes my challenge as he approaches me "maybe I need to school you in the art of obedience...again." His voice is gruff and deep, muscles bunching under his skin, the wolf of his peers out slightly.
"From you Finian, I wouldn't expect anything less, you remind me so much of my father." I let those words sink in deep...I really don't care anymore, everything has been taken from me by my own hands.
He crosses his arms across his chest, almost like he's shielding himself against my words, against me.
"The truth is Victoria, I don't think I can ever get past the fact that my brother had you first, that you gave him what should have been mine to take." He's now starting to get agitated, I can tell his heart rate is accelerating by the pulsing carotid in his neck. A flush comes to his face as I see that he's taking shorter breaths.
"All I can ever picture is you underneath him, it keeps me up at night just thinking what you've done with him. What you were to each other." He looks at me hard and shakes his head as if talking to himself. "You know he would call me about you, how he thought you were this Queen, how amazing you were and the whole time he was talking I was wishing I could meet someone like you and I was so jealous of him."
"He told me everything you did together....I made him, I needed to know." He judges my reaction, I have none, it's best to remain masked up.
'I can't even believe I was saving myself for you...for my mate." He laughs sadly to himself. "I was an idiot back then."
"You still are Finian nothing has changed." It just came out quicker than I thought possible. It's me who turns from him when I hear a menacing growl rumble from his chest.
"Where are you going?" His hand grips my shoulder roughly, shrugging it off turning back towards him "I'm going to bury Charlie and my brother." With that I turn from him stepping out of my sanctuary, steeling my nerves for what awaits me today.
Hearing the tractor already digging up the soft earth for the burial of the dead. The bodies are lined up like cattle after the slaughter, I take a deep breath as I approach those who were not cowards.
They all deserve a proper resting place, I find my Charlie and Elliot among the wreckage of limbs and torsos.
The solitary weeping willow tree has the impression of its limbs dropping sorrowful and mournful, its branches swaying with the light wind as if in mourning for the loss of life.
Starting with Charlie, making my way with him to the grave where his true soul lies. A sob threatens to escape my mouth as I puncture the earth with my shovel, I grit my teeth and bare my pain.
One shovelful of dirt at a time makes me reflect on everything he was for me...my one true friend to the absolute end. It takes a while to make the hole big enough but I have nothing else to do besides this.
The hole's depth now adequate, I grab the broken body of Charlie placing him in the deep earth.... he will never be with me again, what have I done. His blood, my brother's blood will forever taint my hands with my own disgrace.
Raw blisters are forming where the wooden handle meets the delicate flesh. Rubbing the skin off slowly, I like the pain... in fact, I welcome it, savoring the feeling as I shovel the earth back on top of Charlie. Watching him slowly being covered by the brown earth I fight against my self hate. His soul now with his love and at least I'm grateful for that.
Wiping the sweat from my forehead I make my way back towards Elliot body. It's hard to look at him, the way his eyes are open but unseeing. Skin has such an odd color in death, waxy with an off color of pale.
Beginning to dig again I can't help but notice the Beta of Fin's watching me not coming close just off to the side watching. I don't trust him with his shifty eyes that rollover my skin. Growling his way, warning him not to come closer, he nods his head towards me in understanding.
The morning gives way to the late evening by the time I was able to place Elliot inside the hole I created for him.
My gut twists on itself as the first shovelful of dirt lands on his face. I focus on the burning pain of my hands, the hot rub I feel every time another layer of skin is pulled away from my flesh. The shovel now bloodied with my small show of repentance.
It's then that I realize that some of the older males of my old pack approach me.
My accusers look in my eyes, letting their impressions reek of disgust and betrayal of who I've become.
They see me as a serpent of old, a traitor disguised as one of them.
They are here to seek out my blood, it won't be a fair fight but I'm used to that. The grip on my shovel increases, I need to re-introduce myself again to them. They must have forgotten who they have come to fight, I'm the first born and I only bow down to Finian, never them.
They are the sheep my wolf will eat, they just are blinded by their own madness.
The group of males has caught the attention of the Beta as he watches on in interest. I give him a glare to stay away as I take a breath in letting out a low threatening growl in the group's direction.
All of them that surround me now are cowards if they were brave they would have died yesterday, instead they plot and plan to extinguish my life when an opportunity strikes. Today is not the day I chose to die while looking at them all... posturing my dominance towards these followers...
"Which one is first?" Keeping my voice even, the wolf in me is clawing and screaming to break free. Through the crowd, I see my soon to be Beta walk swiftly towards me parting the crowd as she faces me directly, her hair braided in war. Behind her are the rest of the young females I have had training for higher ranking positions.
I slightly lose my composure, I've taken these young female's under my wing for the last two years grooming them, training them, making them into the monster they were naturally born to be.
I've given them a chance to be more than what custom dictates.
My future Beta has no emotion on her face as she turns from me facing the crowd protecting my right. I see her hands hold two silver knives as she prepares for the attack. The rest of the females flank my sides, ready to fight their Uncle's, their brothers and fathers.
Pride surging through my body from their actions. The fierce wall of tooth and claw these females are putting up...shows their testimonial of me. Forever I'll be indebted to them for their unwavering support in me.
Dropping the shovel from my hand seeing as my odds just improved.
These females of mine are not battle hardened, it's all been practice up until now.
"I don't want to hurt you, go back to your homes, to your mates." I'm giving them a chance at survival, my females will be what they were trained for, monsters that bring wolves to the moon.
Some of the males, turn around with hurt in their eyes, they can't fight their nieces or daughters.
"Alpha Fin is a strong leader for both these packs, it will take adjusting on everyone's part but it will get better. It just takes time now go back, turn around and leave. Today is not your day to die, we've had too much death, Alpha Fin is the leader now, my death doesn't change that."
Feeling fur under my fingers, looking down Fin's in his fighting form, standing tall beside me...watching these males....waiting for them to make a decision about life.
Touching his fur, it's soft underneath my fingertips. I can feel that he's leaning into me slightly, body pressed against my leg and hip.
The most aggressive male eyes Fin, they will die if they even make the slightest move of aggression, shoulders hunched forward in defeat...they choose life.
Hearing an inhalation of breath, I watch as the wolf takes in my scent, sniffing my palm, pressing his nose into my groin smelling in deeply. He whines out to me, licking my hand before walking away slowly.
"Are you okay Victoria" Becca's sweet voice brings me back from my thoughts of what just happened between Fin's wolf and me... at least the wolf doesn't hate me.
Closing my eyes blinking hard, "yes."
She knows my weakness, stepping so close to me her breath mingles with mine, gently her fingers hold mine. Looking into her eyes all I see is love for me, it's hard to take. I'm not worthy of that anymore, I should have never allowed this to happen between us but once again I was selfish only pretending that she was filling what my soul was longing for.
"I'm here Victoria, I know I can't be what Fin is to you, but I can pretend that I am." Tears escape her eyes, the look of heartbreak threatens to overwhelm her.
"Becca...I can't...not anymore," watching her clutch her stomach makes me feel disgust for myself once again.
"It's not fair to you, I can't be what you need me to be, and you're not Fin...I'm so sorry." I try to pull her into me but she steps away.
"All this time, everything was a lie wasn't it?" Tears keep escaping her eyes dripping down her cheeks onto her shirt wetting it with her sorrow.
"I was a lie, wasn't I?" Becca's voice cracking with the realization that what we had was never real for me.
Taking a deep breath "yes." Just like that with one little word I shatter her world, I break her heart as she comes undone with her grief.
"I'm sorry Bec." I try to pull her into me again.
"Don't touch me, you're sick you know that you're sick!" Her voice rising into the air.
"He will never be able to love you the way I do...he hates you Victoria everyone can see it...he will never be what you want him to be." She rubs her eyes with her sleeve as she takes a calming breath in shaking slightly.
"All this was a lie?" It's almost like she's talking to herself.
Renewed sobs rack her body, her world falling apart.
"I'm sorry." It's all I can offer her.
She stands there crying as I turn my back on her, walking away from her sobs fading the further I retreat from that misery.
Turning on the water for the shower I enter underneath the stream and let myself cry for all the death my hands have brought all the pain I've caused. I sob my grief out letting the noise of the shower mask my sounds. Gripping my stomach with the pain I feel, the devastation of my world is complete.
Putting my mouth against the wet washcloth, screaming and screaming until my legs can't hold me anymore. Sliding down the wall, letting my head hang, alone I come apart underneath the water.
My hatred for myself is ever evolving when I think I couldn't possibly sink lower, I fall again and again in a never-ending black pit of self-disgust.
Stepping out I wipe away the steam from the mirror, looking at myself, really looking....
I hate you, saying it inside my head before turning from my face walking out of the bathroom.
Fin's eyes meet mine, the bottle of beer he's holding tips into his mouth, those eyes sweep the length of me. I'm not sure if it's with lust or hatred he's thinking.
He takes another long pull from the bottle, still not making a sound.
"Fin I'm tired I just want to sleep, I don't want to fight anymore," disrobing slipping naked between the covers. Pulling the sheets underneath my chin I close my eyes dismissing him.
He doesn't leave, "please Fin not now, I just can't fight for one more second, I'm just so tired of fighting." Trying to stop my voice from cracking but I can't.
"Please just go." Instead, I feel his hand on my head, the knuckles of his fingers graze my cheek. I can't breathe with how he's making me feel. His touch is a hurricane that's overwhelming my thoughts.
I crave his touch with the depth of a raging addiction. He looks at my eyes... what can he see, my misery, my longing for something that I have always wanted....to be held, to be loved...the hatred I have for myself?
"I never meant for this to happen either Victoria. I came again to apologize once again for your brother."
"I need you to try and block me from your thoughts, Victoria, I don't want to be inside your mind." He's looking at his hand that was just on my face before his steps retreat further and further away from me, leaving me alone in the dark.