Tonight's the night. This is what we've been working towards. Are you ready?
Affirmative.
Just because you're dressed as a cyborg for the party doesn't mean you need to act like one.
Sorry. I mean... I got this...
[HALLOWEEN PARTY GROUP CHAT]
[Jake👻: whos ready 4 my halloween partyyyyyy?!?!?!]
[Brooke💕: suppppppppp]
[Rich🔥: yo man!!!!!!!!!!]
[Brooke💕: lets catch up]
[Brooke💕: lets SMOKE up]
[Chloe🎀: ive already downed soooooo many drinks]
[Rich🔥: every songs all like.........]
[Rich🔥: WHUP]
[Rich🔥 so many people r just like fuckin stumblin round]
[Jenna📱: im sooooo gonna pass out]
[Jenna📱: but it's chill]
[Jenna📱: bc its halloween]
I open the front door to Jake's house and the floor shakes with the bass of the music. People are packed in wall to wall, and every chair is taken up with either unconscious people or people making out.
"Jeremy!"
I look around and see Brooke calling for me, and waving her arm around, trying to get my attention.
"I was afraid you weren't coming. Did you get my messages?"
Play it off.
"Am I late? I didn't even realize."
Brooke's ever-present smile faded away and she looks a little crushed.
"What do you think of my costume? I figured, you always see sexy cats, but no one ever goes as a sexy dog."
"It's..."
Vague compliment.
"Original,"
Brooke's face falls and her shoulders slump a little.
"I mean, amazing. Seriously. I can't believe I'm with a girl who looks like you."
"Chloe said it was dumb. You need a drink!"
As she walks away, I talk to my squip.
Did you see the look on her face? She thought I stood her up!
And she was so excited when she realized you hadn't. People want what they don't have.
"Crank that bass!" Someone yells, and the music is turned up.
"I'm gonna break something!" Another shouts, and I can hear a dull shattering noise.
"Gimme a Jell-O shot!" A girl practically screams, and a shot glass filled with vodka infused Jell-O is thrown her way.
"Liver spots!" I make out someone say. I don't really want to know what happens next.
"Hey," a manicured nail taps me on the shoulder and I spin around.
"I was supposed to get you. Brooke has a surprise," Chloe says. She's dressed as a baby, bottle and all.
"What kind of surprise?" I counter back, not sure where this newfound confidence is coming from.
Me, you nitwit.
"The kind where you don't ask questions and follow me upstairs."
"O-okay,"
Stop stuttering. I will shock you.
I follow Chloe up the stairs and she leads me to a rather large bedroom. Maybe it's the master.
"Jake's parents' room. Don't worry. They're not using it~"
"You really know your way around," I say, scratching the back of my neck.
You look ridiculous doing that. Stop it.
"Yeah, I've had sex in pretty much every room in this house."
My eyes widen a little.
"Because I dated Jake! God, what kind of slut do you think I am?"
Chloe raises her baby bottle that goes with her costume and chugs it.
"Where's Brooke?"
"Oh my god, you are too freaking adorable!" Chloe exclaims, but then leans close to me and says in a drunk whisper, "Brooke's not coming~"
"She's not?" I ask, oblivious to her true intentions. "Then why-"
"Jeremy... do you wanna hang? Just for a bit... you could rock this baby fast asleep~"
"I-I have to go."
I try to move away.
I can't stand up.
You're welcome.
"I don't know why she's so crazy about you. You're not that cute. No offense,"
"None taken. I should get back..."
"Y'know she's not all that innocent. That wounded puppy routine? It's how she gets all the guys. Acts all helpless so they want to protect her. Not that I care."
Realization hits me like a brick.
"You're jealous of Brooke!"
"Um- obviously I'm not."
"That's insane! Why would you be jealous if anyone? You're the hottest girl in school!"
Michael is the hottest guy.
You mean Michelle. Also, you just said that our loud.
What?!
"Did I just say that out-"
Suddenly, Chloe grabs my face and kisses me hard, despite me pulling away.
Make it stop!
I don't understand the request.
"Do you wanna stop? Do you wanna get inside my diaper~?"
She puts the bottle in my hand.
"It's not actually milk~" she slurs.
"I'm not really a big-"
Drink it.
I involuntary begin to down it. I involuntarily kiss her. A knock at the door makes her pull away and I mentally thank whoever is interrupting us.
"Jeremy?"
It's Brooke.
"Are you in there?"
Chloe puts a finger to her lips, telling me to stay quiet, and as much as I want to make noise or get up and leave, the squip prevents me from doing so.
"Jenna Rolan said she saw you go upstairs. Jeremy?"
After another moment of knocking, Brooke gives up and leaves. I exhale a breath I didn't know I was holding.
"If Jenna Rolan saw us..." I trail off.
"Jenna Rolan should mind her own business."
"Brooke's going to find out. Don't you care?"
"You're less cute when you're talking."
Help me out here!
Konichiwa!
What?
Alcohol temporarily scrambles my shisutemu.
THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DRINK IT?!
It was important you take advantage of the jōkyō. You'll thank me atode. Ima oki nasai, anata wa baka o shite iru. Jeiku wa koko ni ite, anata wa fukai kuso ni iru.
Chloe speaks up.
"Whatever, I've had enough-"
There's a loud pounding on the door.
"JEREMY HEERE?!"
"Ohh, the fun begins,"
"Is that... Jake?" I ask.
"JEREMY, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HAVING SEX ON MY PARENTS' BED, BECAUSE IF YOU WERE, I'D HAVE TO RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!"
"GREAT, THEN YOU CAN BOTH BE BALL-LESS!"
There's a pause.
"CHLOE?!"
The doorknob rattled as Jake tries together in. When he can't open the door, he does something that sounds like him throwing himself at it.
Choose begins to rattle the bed and shouts, "HEAR THAT?! I'M HAVING HOT SEX WITH JEREMY ALL OVER YOUR PARENTS' LINENS!"
I quickly deny it. "No, we're not! I swear, we're not!"
I don't hear anything for a while.
Maybe he believed me and went away.
A fist smashes through the window.
Kei-koku. Kei-koku.
Jakes starts to pull himself though the shattered window and Chloe straddles me as she pulls off my shirt.
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, JEREMY!"
"Go away! We're busy screwing!"
I pry myself away from Chloe and grab my shirt. I open the door only to see Brooke, who is looking very confused.
"Jeremy?"
"Brooke!"
I stand frozen, not sure what to do, but then Jake makes it all the way through the window.
"JEREMY!"
"I'm sorry," I say to Brooke as I push her aside and run down the hall as Jake chases me.
"I'll kill you, Jeremy!"
But his run slows down and I hear something like, "Oh man, I shouldn't have drank so many Peach Schnapps."
I keep running until I'm at a bathroom. I quickly go inside and lock the door. I take several deep breaths and sit down at the edge of the tub. A deformed monster's hand reaches up and grabs my wrist. I scream. The hand pulls itself up to reveal...
"Sup,"
"Michael!" I gasp in shock and joy. "I didn't know you were invited to this party,"
"I wasn't. Which is why I'm wearing this clever disguise!"
I blankly stare at him, a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.
It's Michael, it's Michael, it's Michael! Oh god, I love Michael. I just want to be happy like I was. I want Michael. I want him back so bad.
"You're speechless. Squip got your tongue?"
"It's... off." I say simply. I wish I said more, but I just can't find the words.
"It would explain why you're not trying to murder me. I've been thinking about this moment. What would I say to you? I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through twelve years of friendship..."
I don't think I've ever cried this hard and stayed this quiet in my life.
"What?" He asks, only vaguely concerned.
"It's just... in really glad to see you, Michael. I'm sorry... f-for everything."
"We'll talk about that later. You need to hear what I found out."
"F-found out? You don't mean the..."
Michael taps his head.
The squip.
"But there's nothing on the internet-"
"Which is weird, right? I mean, what's not on the internet? So, I started asking around. Finally, this guy I play Warcraft with... told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?"
"Without his best friend?"
"Jeremy, we'll talk about this later. You need that thing out of your head. That guy ended up in a mental hospital. He totally lost it."
"But I don't see how that has to do with-"
"That guy went crazy trying to get his squip out."
Words begin to echo in my brain and bounce around the corner of my skull. I don't know if the squip told me them at one point or if I'm making them up. I can't tell.
You need the squip.
Without it you are nothing.
Think of how disgusting you would be without it?
Don't you want to get over this petty crush?
Don't you think Michael would have loved you back at this point if he was ever going to?
What kind of boy has a girl best friend?
You need the squip because you are pitiful and could use all the help you can get.
Don't you want to be cool?
Don't you want to be more chill?
Don't you want to be happy?
You need the squip to be happy.
You will never be happy without the squip.
You need it.
You depend on it.
Without it you can't make it in the real world.
How could you?
You have no skill.
You're unloved.
You're terrible.
Everything about you is so terrible.
Everything about you makes everyone around you want to die.
Everything about you makes Michael want to die.
Michael hates you.
He'll never love you.
You'll never be loved.
Especially by Michael.
By that trannie.
That mistake of a girl you fell in love with all those years ago.
How stupid.
I can't stop crying.
How utterly pathetic.
"I've got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?"
I head for the door but Michael stands in my way.
I can feel something crawl up the back of my throat, and I immediately recognize it as flowers. I need to leave before I throw up all over Michael.
"Please," my lower lip trembles.
"Jeremy, no,"
"Michael, I-"
"You need help. Let me help you get rid of this thing and then me and you can-"
"NO! You don't get it!"
"I want to try-"
"Just let me leave, dammit!"
Michael winces, but stands his ground.
"Move it," my words are like venom and the petals in my mouth taste like acid.
"Or you'll what?" his voice is strong, but I can tell he's worried.
"Get out of my way."
He doesn't move.
"Loser,"
If it were possible for a person's heart to physically shatter, that would have happened just now.
Turns out you can get pretty damn close.
Michael steps aside.
And I leave.
I just left Michael in that fucking bathroom by himself.
The flowers dissolve into nothing in my mouth.
What kind of person am I?
~
I limply fall onto a couch next to a rather short girl and a passed-out party monster. She's cute.
The girl, not the monster.
"Hey," she says.
"Yo," I mumble. "Where's your date?"
"He's having make-up sex with Chloe. So, my nights pretty awesome."
"Sorry,"
"Don't be. I dumped him."
Rich runs up to us, asking about some drink that only Mi-... certain people would know about.
"It looks like normal Mountain Dew? But red?"
I ignore him.
"Do you mean Jake?"
"Yeah. He's kind of a jerk, so..."
"SERIOUSLY! WHERE THE FUCK CAM I GET SOME MOUNTAIN DEW RED?!"
We stare at him for a moment before laughing.
"Popular people are messed up. I'm Christine."
"Oh yeah, I know you. You're always the lead in school plays."
"You like theater?!" She asks, her eyes lighting up.
"Eh," I shrug. "It's okay. I'm Jeremy."
"You've been pucking your way around."
"I'm not- pucking?"
"You like that? Just made it up. Boo-yeah."
"It's just... I dunno what I'm supposed to say right now."
"Say whatever's on your mind."
I think hard, but can't come up with anything, so I just make a weird noise. Christine stares at me and I cringe, embarrassed. That is, until she makes a different weird noise. I make a totally different weird noise. She makes a brand spanking new weird noise. Suddenly, the party monster freaks us out by making its own weird noise. We laugh and the tension melts away.
"It's kinda killer to sit and chat with you," Christine speaks up.
"Really?"
"Yeah,"
"Well, it's pretty killer for me too."
"I'm glad we agree."
"I'd like to be friends, Christine."
"We already are, Jeremy. Anyway, I've gotta go, but I hope I see you at school."
"See you,"
The moment Christine leaves, Rich, who was apparently nearby the entire time, imitates an exploding bomb.
"BAAAAAAAAAAAA... CRASH!"
Okay...
"Got any Mountain Dew Red?"
"Okay, this whole no-drinking-while-squipping thing? Would it have killed you to give me a warning? ...Rich?"
Suddenly, he rises, as if an on-switch in his brain has been flipped.
"Warning. Warning. Warning." He says his voice monotone, and then leaves.
"Okay, that's weird," I think aloud.
Hello, Jeremy.
About time!
My absence was not ideal, but it was necessary. One moment while I review the data from this evening.
There's an odd noise that plays quietly in my head. It's as numbers are rolling around in it. It's the strangest things I've heard all night, and that's really saying something.
Oh my...
It's bad, right?
We need to get you home.
But-
Now.
~
Rich wasn't at school the following Monday.
Neither was Jake.
And neither was Michael.