'Saw you weeping, saw you creeping
Saw you sneaking in the shadow's long, the fear so strong
Saw you out the corner of my eye'
Silence. That's all there is right now. I ran back to the house I claimed earlier, locked the door, slid down to the floor...and completely broke down. After that, there was the silence suffocating me. Every nerve in my body is exposed and lying flat out on the floor. I'm completely broken. It's been a wonder that this hasn't happened sooner. The signs have always been there, and they have culminated into this broken version of myself. It all led to that moment where I took a human life. It was always there, in my mind, in the Gamemaker's plans and the history of the Games – to survive for as long as I have, I had to become a killer.
It's felt like a reaper has been standing behind me and followed my every move all this time. Every time I would try to turn my head, I could feel like he was there to claim me (or in this scenario, lead me to become something I don't want to be). He could've claimed me in the normal sense a long time ago, but for some reason, that's not what he (or the Gamemaker) wants. The fates has had a role to play in that when I think about it. Each one of them felt like a way for the reaper to claim my soul. He's been successful to a degree as I feel like I am losing one piece of myself after the other.
'Don't come for me today
I'm feeling good, let me savor it'
I did not know what to expect when they reaped me for the Games. I did not anticipate all that would come with it – the challenges and these emotions of fear...and the killing (well I did anticipate that). I just thought I could hide my way through all of it. I feel like such a fool for not seeing how much this will affect my future. I was doing well in my life before all of this. Everything has just turned upside-down in a matter of less than a week. Imagine it, the other day I was on top of a mountain in the fresh air that I love and know, now I'm in this Arena fighting to live another day. No...just no, it's too unreal.
The three fates presented to me yesterday scared me. They felt like three separate reapers ready to grasp their own piece of my soul. Trying to escape them has been like trying to escape the reaper. In the end he will get you, it's only a matter of time. It's just that...I still have a life to live, no matter how damaged it might be after all this. I don't want it to end like this, in a place like this with millions of people watching this as if real human lives weren't at stake. It can't end yet. Sadly, I can't escape the feeling that there isn't much I have left to give.
'Oh, you tried to track me down
You followed me like the darkest cloud'
When the light disappeared in her eyes and her body turned limp, a piece of me died. It wasn't supposed to happen (I mean fate predicted it, but I didn't want to). I wasn't going to go out there and risk meeting someone that I would end up killing. I was very headstrong on that fact. The next thing I did wrong was bringing the knife as 'protection'. You could argue that I did try to protect myself, but I didn't want to kill anyone in the process. I just wanted to get out of there alive.
It's constantly on my mind. The fact that I took a human life against my own wishes but according to one of the fates. I wasn't going to do that. A part of me has already changed. It's a change that I didn't want to see in myself. I wasn't going to get lost in it and like it. My only goal through all of this has been to survive. It has never been about the glory and fame that supposedly come when all of this is over (though it'll probably never be over), I just want to go back to the place I call home and try to be as much of the person that I used to be.
It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I didn't want to become a person who had taken a human life, I did. Despite of how obsessed I was about not letting that happen, taking every precaution possible only for all of it to backfire. Whatever plan I lay that are meant to contradict every tendency these Games have forced on me, I'm sure will they will all fail. One way or the other, the Gamemakers will get what they want, a victor who killed off her competition. We are down to the last ten, which means there are still nine left to kill.
When I re-entered the house after the trip to the theatre, I didn't bother with any lights whatsoever. I just let the darkness of the room consume me. I didn't take much notice to how dark it actually got. I only noticed it when the light started to appear again in the shape of sunrays. My eyes have been wide open this whole time, and the thought of the time ticking as these are Games, finally hits me again. Through all of this mulling, I've forgotten that there are nine other tributes out there, possibly just as damaged as I am (or worse). Even so, there is this unnerving silence over the Arena. There has been no new dead tributes in the sky...where is everybody?
It doesn't matter that I wonder where the rest are as long as they are not here with me. I don't plan on moving as I feel like I've frozen solid to this one spot. I don't really know what to do at this point. I just want to wrap myself in my own arms and disappear from the surface of this place. I know millions and millions are watching me sitting here and doing nothing. I'm sure it doesn't qualify as exciting or entertainment, but I couldn't care less. They don't know what it's like to fight for your life, to be in constant fear of closing your eyes because next thing you know, you either have some sort of vision or because someone can sneak up on you and kill you (or just the actual reaper in the shape of a misguided teen).
'So come back when I'm good and old
I've got drinks to drink and men to hold
I got good things to do in my life'
I'm a nineteen year old girl trapped in a nightmare. I should be exciting for my future because I am supposed to have so much time left, but it doesn't feel like I do. It makes me feel unfulfilled to think about all these years I won't get to spend living out my dreams. I'm not ready to die. I don't think any of us are because we're all just a bunch of teenagers, some younger than others, and we're supposed to have our whole life ahead of us. I have this feeling in my soul that it still has things it wants to pursue, emotions it wants to explore. What either of those are I'm yet to figure out, but I want to be alive to do that. I want to just 'skip-forward' and figure out all of life's great mysteries.
'Oh, I wanna dance in the open breeze
Feel the wind in my hair, hear the ocean sing
I got good things to feel in my life'
I realize now that there is so much more that I want to do. I want go out and explore again, experience the exhilarating feeling of finding something new and unknown. I want to go out in the open, cold and fresh air from home. Sure, the coldness of the breezes feels like a thousand knives cutting through you at once, but that's something you learn to live with. It hardens your skin if anything.
I also miss hearing the rainstorms coming in. Outside my window, I would see the clouds gather and hear the wind fiercely command the air. The ocean would build up bigger and bigger waves that would hit the rocks on the beaches or the port in the center of the city. I want to go back and feel all of that. I want to stand right at the edge of the pier and feel the wind almost knock me down, feel the waves slam against the wooden-structure and soak me completely. I just want to feel something similar to home. Nothing here has given me that, and I've felt so deprived of my strength.
I see the light from the sun slowly fade away. Conveniently, I can see a clock on the wall. I can't tell if it's real time or not, but if it is real, it's too early for the evening to come. I actually get curious and walk towards the window after managing to drag myself up. Already there's some sort of smile forming on my face. Little by little, I sense the pain and demons from everything these Games have done to me so far, let go if only a little when I see the dark-grey clouds come over the city. I close my eyes for a brief moment and imagine the rain come furiously down from the clouds.
Just this once, I actually am familiar with what is about to come down on us. It's only water, innocent yet damaging in large amounts. Most of my companions in this Arena might find it to be an obstacle, but to me, it's anything but that. This is what I know. This is what I grew up with from I was born. I've always loved the rain. Whenever the raindrops hit the top of my head and run down my entire body, I feel cleansed from all of my fear and insecurities. At this point in the Games, I know that this is what I need, even with the lightning and thunder that I hear in the distance.
It starts little by little, the rain, before it comes down by full force. In slow motion, I can imagine a single raindrop, crash down on the ground and be obliterated into tiny molecules (like me when facing the reality of the Games). I place my hand on the window and sense the coldness that the rain brings. There was a light drizzle of rain in the beginning of the Games, but this feels different. I know this is different because for the first time I feel a sense of hope. I was so close to succumbing to the demons, to the reaper in the shape of dark fates just so that I could get out of here. Now, I don't want to die. There's a surge of strength coming back to me, craving to live.
I don't think twice about it, nor is it strange for me to actually do this, but I walk out the door and let the rain crash down on me. I don't think about the fact that someone might find me and try to kill me, I just need to be out and feel the rain crash down on me like it has in all my years back home. For every drop that hits my head, I feel a sense of release from everything that's brought me down. I haven't felt more pure and free in these Games as I do now. Just for this moment at least, I am me...
'You came to take me away
So close I was to heaven's gate
But no baby, no baby not today
Oh, you tried to track me down
You followed me like the darkest cloud
But no baby, no baby not today
Oh, reaper...'