C h a p t e r 21
I gripped his wrist. Natigil ito sa paglalaro sa aking buhok at mabilis na lumipad ang mga mata sa akin. Humigpit pa ang kapit ko rito na ikinataas ng kanyang kilay.
"How can you be so calm?" I asked him, he can even pull out a joke while I'm struggling to think about the best action to do. "Hell, if you can't provide any solution, I'm just going to call Mom."
"It's the best solution, denying it won't make them shut up. Why would you hide it from them, iyon naman ang totoo..."
Isa isa niyang tinanggal ang mga daliri kong nakakapit sa kanya, sa isang malambot na haplos ay tila nanghina ang buong sistema ko at wala nang nagawa kung hindi bitiwan siya.
I haven't thought about that possibility, it can be pursued too. If someone would drop a piece of evidence that we're living under one roof, we can't deny it anymore. We're open to the public, our relationship too. Ang sinabi sa akin ni Mommy, instead of answering their speculations, just prove to them that we're in a relationship. If telling them can prove that point... Why not?
It may weaken their doubts about Hell and I, mapapatatag pa nito na totoo ngang may namamagitan sa amin at hindi palabas iyon. Na wala ng dapat pang ipagduda roon.
"Living in one roof will fire up their idea that we're engage, engagement at this age is impossible so they would think it's really an arrange marriage. They would conclude that..." Humina ang aking boses, hinilamos ko ang kamay sa mukha at ilang beses pang nagbuntong hininga bago muling tumingin sa kanya.
"In whatever action we choose to take, you can't control how people would conclude. We aren't torn, Hurricane. You should know about this, it's between our families. No one can spill the truth until one of us decided to, naiintindihan mo?" He extended his arms, both reaching for my temple. He massaged it gently, he's not bothered?
"Their assumptions are just made by their idealistic mind, realities are made by the truth. Their assumptions can't be justified unless you want to tell them that this is just an arranged marriage, then it would create an undying fuss." He added.
"I will never, alright? Mom warned me about this." Ipinahinga ko ang ulo sa sandalan ng sofa habang patuloy ito sa pagmamasahe sa akin. This is really stressful.
"If you have something under your sleeves except running away, we can talk about it." Matalim akong tumingin sa kanya, anong karapatan niyang bawiin ang desisyon na iyon kung buong sistema ko na ang nagawa niyang kumbinsihin? "I don't want to force you, I just want you to see everything from my point of view. If ever that I prove a point. Now, let me see yours..."
"Let's do it, admit whatever." Natigil siya sa sinabi ko, ipinikit ko ang mata at marahan pang tumango. "We can't dodge the truth, no matter how we close our eyes we will eventually end up opening it again for our sake. So fuck yes, let's do it."
Isang kasinungalingan na lang ang pipilitin naming isubo sa lahat. What's between Hell and me, the arranged marriage, is just made by our parents' idealistic minds. Now I wonder, if I can feed them the truth, would they be able to accept the reality? But shoving that on their mouth would instantly crumple Hell.
Napatingin ako sa kanya, ni hindi ito nagulat sa aking pagtitig. Nakaramdam ako ng takot ngunit hindi para sa akin, para sa kanya. If I try to ruin this arrange marriage, I might ruin him. I remember telling him to use what's between us to prove himself. Lumukob ang takot, kinagat ko ang labi at ikinuyom ang kamay.
Bumaba ang tingin niya roon, sa isang iglap ay mabilis niya iyong nakuha. Tinanggal niya ang pagkakuyom 'non, maingat at mabagal. Am I slowly coming to that point, Hell? You against me or maybe... you before me?
"Nasabi sa akin nina Aleana, lalabas daw kayo bukas..." Doon lang ako natigil, nanatili ang hawak nito sa akin at hinayaan ko lang siyang paglaruan ang kamay. "I won't come with you but please come home," Tumango ako.
"I'll come home immediately," I assured him, hindi ko pa alam kung anong balak. I'll just text them later. "You don't have plans?" He shook his head, so he'll be here the whole day. Parang ayaw ko na ring umalis.
"Shall I drive you? Saan daw?" Ngumuso ako, ni hindi ko nga alam na sinabi na pala nila sa iyo. Mukhang hindi na talaga kayang maghintay ng mga 'yon!
In the end, I called Sari. She told me we can just meet each other in their pastry shop, it's our usual hang-out place. Sinabi ko iyon kay Hell, he nodded in satisfaction.
"Where do tou expect me to go anyways?" I asked, umayos ako ng upo at tinanggal ang suot na coat at necktie. I'm only wearing my sleeves now. "When I turn eighteen, I'll be wasting myself in every bar here in Manila." Tumatango-tango pa ako sa plano na iyon.
Tumaas ang kilay niya at umiling. "When Hell turns Heaven, by then you can drink..." I smirked, then what if you're heaven for me? All the synonymous words of equanimity, burn all the dictionaries if it can't give the best appellation to describe you.
"I'm certain of that," You can be heaven, I think. The abode of God and all saints, in a human form.
Mabilis na naglaro ang dalawang kamay ng orasan at isang gabi na naman ang lumipas. It's one normal night out of all a hundred nights we spent together in this home. As the sun rose, I immediately get up. He was still asleep when I get up from the bed.
I did my morning routine, nang lumabas ako sa banyo ay tulog pa rin ito. Nauna na akong bumaba at tumuloy sa kusina. I tried making the coffee Hell made the last time, nahihiya akong magpatimpla sa kanya.
Naupo ako sa tabi ng sink habang tahimik na humihigop, gumuhit pa ang init sa aking lalamunan ngunit hindi ko na naman nakuha ang gustong lasa. I've been making this one for a couple of days now, since I've tasted it. I continue sipping it, kaysa naman itapon ko.
The thoughts of what we talked about last night creep on me. Gusto ko ang desisyon na iyon, ngunit para sa akin ay isa rin iyong sugal. People can connect the dots upon hearing it, but then just like what he said, people always conclude things differently. They can't stain us unless we let them.
I shrugged that thought off, it's not helpful for a wonderful day. I began cooking our breakfast, spam and a sunnyside-up egg are enough, I told myself.
"Good Morning," Lumipad ang tingin ko sa kapapasok pa lang, he's done taking a bath.
His hair is damp, and his afterbath scent immediately filled the whole kitchen. His natural aroma is enough to make someone tremble, now, his afterbath minty scent is just enslaving.
"Morning," Bati ko pabalik at ibinalik ang tingin sa palayok. Inilipat ko sa platong may tisyu ang mga sliced ham.
I saw him in the side of my eyes, making his coffee. I watched him do it, the mixture of steamed milk and double shot expresso and the way he stir it was perfect. Or maybe, just for me.
Inilapag ko na ang plato sa breakfast table, ang sunnyside up ay nakahanda na rin. He prepared the rice and the plates, so does the utensils. Naupo siya sa dulo ng mesa at ako naman sa kanan niya. Ibinaba niya ang kape sa tabi ko, kaagad kong naamoy iyon at napatango na lang.
"We can share," Napaawang ang labi ko at umiling na lang. "Kanina mo pa tinitignan 'yan..." I laugh awkwardly as I continue shaking my head.
Humigop ko sa kape ko at iniwas na lang ang tingin. We started eating, I think I fries the spam perfectly, I saw him nod in his first bite. The aura of this morning is quite good, I can't deny that.
"Anong oras ka uuwi?" He asked, he sipped on his coffee after that.
"I don't know exactly, but I'm sure it would be after lunch. Don't wait for me anymore, mauna ka nang kumain..." Tumango ito at muling sumubo. "Wala ka talagang plano? Kaya mo bang pumunta sa supermarket?"
"Do I look like a child?" I rolled my eyes as he laugh a little. "I'll check our stocks after this, dadaan ako para bumili kapag naihatid na kita." At least, he has plans now. He won't get bored here.
"Marami na ba ang labahin?" Sumubo ako ng kanin, nakita ko naman ang pagtaas ng kilay niya.
"Lalabhan ko?"
"Idadaan na rin natin sa laundry shop, I'll bet my life if you know how to do the laundry."
"That's a good bet," Umirap ako at umiling na lang.
Nang matapos kaming kumain ay hinayaan ko siyang asikasuhin ang lahat sa kusina, I went straight to our room to arrange our dirty clothes. I texted Sari after, I told them I'll be there within an hour. Hindi pa naman tumutupad sa oras ang mga iyon!
I took a bath afterward, the cold drops of water fell from my head to my toes. I love how Coco Mademoiselle shower gel smells, it's from a towering brand so it should be worth it. Pero kahit na anong bango nito, mas gusto ko pa ring maamoy ang kay Hell.
I caress my skin with the bath loofa after obsessing about Hell's showergel. Nang matapos akong maligo ay lumabas akong balot ng twalya. Siguro ay nasa ibaba pa si Hell o kaya naman ay naghihintay lang sa labas. True enough, we respect each other's privacy.
Without any extravagance, I just wore a black croptop and boyfriend jeans, my top reveals my belly button and my shoulder blade, it was then partnered with white sneakers. I fixed my hair too, after I blowdried it, I tied it in a ponytail. Sa kabilang banda, hindi ko na nilagyan ng kahit na anong kolorete ang mukha. I like it this way, my natural look.
I didn't overdo myself, after doing myself, I went downstairs. I'm only with my phone, I can transact money with this one so I didn't bother to bring any cash. At saka, sa pastry shop lang naman nina Sari ang punta namin.
Nang makababa ay kaagad ko siyang nakita, nakatalikod ito mula sa direksyon ko. He's talking to someone over a call, his left hand is in his pocket while the other one is holding his phone. I don't have any plans to eavesdrop so I stayed steps away from him.
Ngumuso ako, medyo ilang segundo pa ang itinagal ng tawag na 'yon. Gusto ko siyang lapitan para matigil na iyon at makaalis na kami ngunit pinigilan ko ang sarili. As he dropped the call and face my direction, his gaze immediately flew on me.
I was expecting that he'll be shocked, just like what I've seen in some movies where the legal wife catches her husband cheating. I was wrong with that one, he looks normal.
"I'll get the laundry upstairs, naayos mo?" Tanong nito, ngumuso ako sa itaas. Nakita kong pinasadahan niya ako ng tingin, tila sinusuri ang bawat sulok ng aking pagkatao. Merciful God, help me. "Are you sure you'll just be with Aleana and Sari?" Nanliit ang mata nito, umirap ako at tumango.
"As if I have other friends aside from them!" He walked towards me and in an instant, he completely occupied the space between us.
Tumaas ang kilay nito. "And, Henry? Not a friend?"
Sarkisto akong natawa, mamamangka pa ba ako sa isang ilog kung lunod na lunod na ako sa 'yo? God, what was that? Makata na ba ako?
"Maybe he is but I'll just be with the girls!" I can invite him to come with me if only he's not going to be our topic.
"Girls day out, okay?" He added.
He went upstairs, I waited for him exactly on the last step of the stairs. Abot ang tunog ng aking cellphone, sigurado akong galing na sa dalawa iyon. I didn't bother to look, they can wait and I can't. That's the purpose of why I told them I'll be in an hour, they won't be pissed over a latecomer but I will.
After a while, I heard his steps. I looked up and I saw him carrying the laundry bag. He's wearing white cargo shorts, a black shirt, and the usual Birkenstock. On his left hand, he's carrying his phone and his cardholder.
"We should use our laundry room, bilhan na natin ng mga gamit para hindi na natin idala ang mga labahin sa shop." He told me when he already stepped on the floor.
"Hindi na," Maiksi kong sabi. I don't want to add more things to this house, as much as I want to do a little makeover, I don't want to change anything. The thoughts of breaking this arranged marriage are still here, I know I was too focus and some things lately, but it is still here. Although, I can't say that I'm as determined as before.
Ito na ba 'yon? Dito na ba ako idinadala ng pagkahumaling sa kanya? Or maybe, am I more determined now to help him prove his being to his Dad rather than breaking this for my peace? I remember what I told Mom, even though I like him so much, I won't push this. How can I maneuver this? God, I hate this thought.
Iniwas ko ang tingin at lumakad na palabas, ramdam ko ang pagsunod nito. Pinatunog niya ang sasakyan, I went in first as he put the laundry basket in the compartment. He went in too after that, a minute after, the car starts moving as we move forward.
"I'll meet my accountant today," Lumipad sa kanya ang tingin ko nang marinig iyon. "We need some catching up to do, and perhaps I can ask him about some things..." I slowly nodded, it's not my thing to touch actually. Although I'm aware of him having an accountant, I don't know his agenda. I don't ask at all.
For a young man who owns a big stock in a towering holding company, it's no doubt that he has an accountant. I'm not belittling him, although he's smart, there are things he has not learned yet. It'll be a great help for him, accountants are trained well. He won't get one if he doesn't know that. They have a keen understanding of accounting standards for financial statements. Hell isn't yet in that peak, he needs someone who's well trained in processing a variety of transactions, such as accounts payable and billings. All of the business terms that I admit, I don't know yet.
"Matatagalan ba 'yon?" Tanong ko, I was so stupid to ask that. Catching up nga, for sure it would take hours! And he needs to go to the supermarket too, tanga ka, Hurricane!
"Kapag uuwi ka na, call me. I'll fetch you."
Tinahak namin ang daan papunta sa pastry shop nina Sari, nang makarating kami roon ay huminto na ang sasakyan. Inayos ko ang sarili at tinanggal ang seatbelt, tinignan ko ito bago buksan ang pinto.
"Uuwi rin ako," Tipid itong ngumiti, tuluyan na akong lumabas.
I stayed in the side of the road until he went forward again. Nang hindi ko na makita ang lulan nito ay pumasok na ako sa loob, I saw Tita Sally beside the counter, she's checking the new baked goods. Nang mapansin nito ang aking pagdating ay lumawak ang ngiti nito.
"Hurricane! Nasa loob na sila, kanina pa nga sila naghihintay..." Lumapit ito sa akin at hinalikan ang aking pisngi. Iginiya niya ako sa loob ng baking area, kaagad kong nakita ang dalawang nagkekwentuhan.
"It's a miracle! Akala ko ay hindi ka sisipot!" Ani Aleana, umirap lang ako at natawa. I sat beside them, iniwan na rin kami ni Tita Sally.
"Ikaw pa talaga ang nagsabi ng within an hour," Sari frowned. My gaze went to the table, am I that late that they're already done preparing all the things we're going to use and so as the ingredients? Maybe.
"May mga inayos pa ako sa bahay," Tumaas ang kilay ng dalawa, nagtinginan sandali at halos sabay pang ngumisi. Basang basa ko na ang iniisip ng mga ito. "You have maids kasi kaya hindi niyo alam!" Umirap ako at pinaglaruan ang itlog.
"Housewife material ka na ngayon?" Si Sari.
I didn't answer, I can't foresee myself as that right now. I don't want to think about it either, I just like the idea of nows. Ayaw kong isipin ang mga susunod na araw, iyon ngayon lang ang gusto kong intindihin.
"You seem a bit uncomfortable," Aleana whispered. I sigh as I looked at them again. "We're not forcing you on anything, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine."
"I just don't want to broaden it anymore, it's enough that I... well, I like him. That's that..." Lumunok ako, Sari pouted. Aleana smirked as she tapped my back slowly, sinimulan na namin ang trabaho. Marami na naman ang magagawa namin, bibilhin ko para may iuwi ako sa bahay.
"When did you realize it?" Si Sari.
"Last vacay in Caricia Añoranza, I became more certain of it. Have you ever asked the heavens that for once, let this heart beats for me?" I looked up to them, they stopped for a while and just stare at me. "Because I did, in front of his mother's grave, I've asked the almighty..."
"No plans of telling him?"
I shook my head, sumimangot ang dalawa sa pag-aakalang sasabihin ko kay Hell iyon. Siguro ay nawawala talaga ako sa sarili ko minsan, alipin na ng puso ang utak. Pero hindi ko pa rin nalilimutan ang mga bagay na kailangan ko ring pagtuunan ng pansin.
"That will make everything complicated," I whispered. "Baka biglang magbago ang lahat, nakakatakot. Don't you think? I think, it'll be better this way. My heart's obviously taking advantage of it, I can't help but to feel delightful everytime. I admit, hinahanap ko iyon. Pero kapag naiisip kong ginagawa lang namin ito para sa ibang tao, that crumpled me..."
Sari preheat the oven and went back to her seat. Gumagalaw ang mga kamay namin habang siya ay nag-uusap, they're attentive when it comes to something like this.
"What is he, inside your home? Sino siya sa mata mo kapag ikaw lang ang nakakakita?" Natigil ako sa tanong ni Aleana, she can be bubbly and serious at the same time. God, I can't believe we came to this point.
That question took me back to all the days we were together, from the very start. He's distant, out of everyone's reach. He's that one majestic sculpture in a Museum that you can't touch, no matter who you are or what's your standing. Nakilala ko lang siya, o ang kapiraso niya, sa kung paano ko siya kayang tignan kapag hindi siya nakatingin. Sa kung paano ako magnakaw ng tingin sa kanya sa gilid ng aking mata.
"He's warm," Kinagat ko ang labi. "Hindi ko siya kabisado, pero sigurado ako roon. He made me love the rain, hate the space in between us. Adore how he thinks, how his mind works. I've fallen in his point of view, and every part of him is like a holy grail and I'm ready to kill if someone took."
"Delikado ka na," Nangiti si Aleana. Alam ko, this kind of adoration is just too dangerous but what's more fascinating is how I'm more than willing to meet every danger.
"He's sacred for me," I whispered like a prayer.
"Pero alam mo kung anong mayroon kayo?" Mabilis ang katotohanang isinampal sa akin ni Sari, tumango ako. "Anong balak mo? Are you still willing to ruin the arrange marriage, because if you're not, you just crossed the line you're always talking about. It lead you here, nakakatakot?"
Yumuko ako at huminga nang malalim, Sari walked beside me as she caress my back. Masakit ang katotohanan, kaya nga marami ang pinipili na lang na magsinungaling. They find lies comforting.
"Kung ano man ang magiging desisyon mo, huwag mong kakalimutan ang sarili mo... If you ever feel that you are on the edge, don't hesitate to come to us. We will talk, okay?" She whispered, ngumiti ako at tumango.
"You're smart, always keen in every decision you make. Weigh it right, Hurricane. Ano ba ang tama, ang mas madaling gawin. Gusto mo ba ang desisyon na 'yon, o napipilitan ka lang. It's your life to pursue, you've always been liberal, free. But this time, you have to think carefully, okay?" Aleana added, she caress my hair. I bit my lower lip as I ignore the pool of tears in the side of my eyes.
"I just wish to be happy," I whispered. "And I guess, it's him that makes me happy..."
Sari kissed my forehead, she laugh a little and nodded slowly. Aleana traced my jaw, I don't know what they're thinking right now.
"For as long as you're happy, but please don't be tanga tanga!" Aleana countered, umirap ako at ngumuso na lang.