The chipped yellow cup thawed my hands, and Mum kept her arms around me. Intermittent gusts of wind tickled the thin curtains through the open window. She had patched up my bleeding knuckles and made me a cup of tea. I didn't feel like drinking it, but it was helping to warm me up. Mum's warmth bled into my side and her arms held me steadily. I stared at her thin hands and wondered why she hadn't asked me any questions. Mum hadn't spoken a word since she opened the door.
I was expecting her to demand answers and explanations, but she just seemed relieved. Even though I was glad for the lack of questions, her silence unnerved me. I reached forward, putting the cup on the coffee table and the movement broke Mum's hold. Her eyes spoke volumes in a language that I couldn't translate, and my heart seared with pain.
"I'm sorry Mum. I just, I just didn't wanna come home."
Mum looked at the floor, her face tight with suppressed emotion.
"I didn't know how to talk to you about the whole school thing. I wanted to tell you ages ago, that I don't wanna go to Uni, but I was scared. I tried to ask you about it, but you never answered." The words rushed out of my mouth as if they were caged birds being set free.
"We never talk," I added quietly.
Mum shrank at my words and closed her eyes tight, and fresh tears leaked down her face. It looked like she was trying not to scream. I got up from the sofa and threaded my fingers through my hair, as the onslaught of guilt squeezed my throat for putting Mum through such an ordeal. I turned back to see her taking a deep breath and cleaning her cheeks.
"I had no idea that you didn't want to go. Have you thought about what you want to do?" Mum sounded so scared and my brow furrowed with concern. Her anxiety was getting worse. I sighed as my resolve started to slip. I didn't want to do this to her. I didn't want to be the cause of her worry and fear. But I remembered Kai's dark eyes, and at that moment as if by magic, a cold breeze brushed my face, carrying my words back to me.
I remembered my vow.
"I want to join a dance academy," I replied confidently.
Mum swallowed and nodded. "If that's what you want, I'll support you," she said softly. Her red-rimmed eyes remained on the floor.
"I'll finish my A-levels though, as the year's nearly over," I said lightly, hoping to reduce the stress on her face.
Mum nodded her approval, but seemed far away as she straightened the cushions on the sofa, and smoothed down the fabric with her hand. Heaving a sigh, I went upstairs to my room. A half-hearted approval was the best I was going to get from her.
This was how conversations with Mum always went. I ended up feeling as if I'd done something wrong each time, because she'd seem so tortured. That's why I stopped asking her about Dad. She'd react as if I'd hit her with a stick.
I passed Joshua's room, deciding to get changed into clean clothes before locking horns with him. I gasped in surprise as I saw him sitting on my bed, with a furious expression on his face. "Where were you?" he asked in his signature irritated tone.
"I'm surprised you even noticed I wasn't home."
Rage boiled inside me as I pulled the hair-tie off my messy ponytail. Joshua quickly masked his shock at my abrupt answer, but I saw it in the mirror.
"Of course I noticed! I can't believe you were stupid enough to be out in the dark, you know it's not safe! Anything could've happened to you!"
I turned my head to glare at him. "Maybe I wanted something to happen!" I hissed back. Without waiting for a reply, I turned back to the mirror and ruffled my hair.
There was a moment of silence.
"Why would you say something like that?" Joshua asked quietly.
I didn't look back to see his face, instead I pulled my socks off and threw them to the ground with excessive force.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe because you decided to ignore me, and got angry every time you were reminded of my existence?! Get a clue Joshua! You hate me, I get it. But you could at least tell me what I did to piss you off so bad!" My energy dipped all of a sudden, and I felt drained. If Joshua was going to argue, now was the time. I was ready to hear what he had to say.
I frowned as my eyes started getting watery. I'd had enough of crying.
"What are you talking about Holly? I don't hate you! You haven't done anything wrong," Joshua trailed off.
I stared at him looking for signs of jest or deception, but I only found sincerity and guilt.
"I'm just keeping my distance, for your own good," Joshua said mutely, as he rubbed the back of his neck. "You have no idea," he added in a barely audible whisper.
My stomach lurched as if I was standing on the edge of cliff. "What have you done?" I asked in a small voice.
Joshua looked distressed as he put his head in his hands, hiding his face from view.
He was the strong one. The annoying older brother, and my best friend. Mum hadn't comforted me as much as Joshua had. I put a shaky hand on his shoulder as my lower lip trembled. Joshua looked up with a dazed expression, like he'd forgotten that I was still in the room.
"Hey, don't worry about it, I'll fix it," said Joshua confidently. He smiled, and his lopsided grin made him look so much like Dad, that I teared up even more.
"Don't cry Holly, I'm gonna make everything right."
Joshua's eyes crinkled as he smiled again, and I couldn't help bursting into tears. I reached for him blindly and he hugged me tight. I felt like a child again, crying in Joshua's arms when Dad wouldn't answer the phone. Sobs racked my body as I held them inside, I didn't want Mum to hear me. He patted my back gently and I moved off, wiping my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie.
"Urgh Holly! You're so gross!" he exclaimed. I rubbed the dirty sleeve on his cheek and he squealed, batting my arm away. I laughed through my tears at the high-pitched sound.
"You're more gross than me!" I retorted in a nasally voice. "You ate your own boogers— twice!"
Joshua narrowed his eyes playfully, and grabbed Mum's pillow from the bed. He held it high and butted my head in one quick motion. I grabbed my own pillow and hit him back with power. He pulled a face and whirled Mum's pillow around to smack my back playfully.
"I declare war!" I said and jumped on the bed with my pillow held forward like a sword.
"I'll end up winning most of the rounds Holly, so sit down you goose!"
I stuck my tongue out at him and sat down cross legged on the bed. It was true though, he would probably win. Even though Joshua was slim, he was strong. As the giggles fizzled out, I looked at Joshua's face properly and realised that he had dark circles under his eyes. I'd never seen him with them before. He looked worn out and thin, his cheekbones protruding as if the skin on his face had been pulled tightly from behind.
"What's going on Joshua?"
He closed his eyes in response and sighed. "Alright. If I tell you, you can't tell Mum okay?"
I nodded hesitantly, my concern growing. Joshua inhaled deeply before speaking.
"A while ago, I saw this guy at the end of our road trying to change the tire of a red Mustang. I said I could give him a hand to patch it up, 'cause you know I love cars. I've never seen a Mustang around here before either, so I was chuffed when he let me get closer." Joshua picked the skin on his cuticles as he continued. "The guy ended up giving me five hundred pounds, in cash, just for helping him out. He said he owned a successful business, making about three thousand pounds a week, and offered me a job."
"Three thousand a week?! That sounds too good to be true, I can't believe you fell for it!"
"I didn't fall for anything. The cash he gave me, in hand, pretty much decided things. And the job didn't sound hard, he said I'd be making deliveries. We need the money, so I accepted the job."
"But why would he offer a job to some random guy on the street?" I questioned dubiously.
"Because he liked my helpful personality. He said he needed more people like me to work for his business. I was pretty happy about it, until I found out that his business was selling drugs."
I gulped at the revelation. This was getting bad.
"My job is to deliver the drugs ordered by his clients. I give the drugs and collect payment, which I return to the boss. I only get my cut if the delivery is successful, 'cause sometimes the customer can't meet on the day or something else goes wrong, so that means I don't get paid. As I'm still new, I only get ninety pounds per successful delivery. But it's still more money than the other jobs I've done."
My eyes widened as I put the pieces together. "At least with those jobs you didn't have to worry about going to prison! Bloody hell Joshua! This seems like a bad deal anyway, it's all dependant on the clients."
"Every other business is too. Demand and supply? But anyway, Mum doesn't work. She can't, and you shouldn't have to work if you don't want to. So it's up to me. The income from other jobs I did just about paid the bills! There wasn't any money leftover, I had to work overtime so we could actually save something."
I clasped my hands together, feeling stupidly sensitive and useless. Compared to Joshua, I was living a pretty chilled-out life.
My problems weren't as bad as I made them out to be.
Joshua was the one suffering, and I was too caught up in my own despair to notice. My shoulders slumped with the weight of this new revelation. I would've made everything worse if I had gone through with my plan at Purslane Station.
Joshua patted my back. "Don't worry about it okay? I can handle it. And everything was going fine until I had to deliver to a client behind our school. It turned out to be Tom," his face twisted as if he'd eaten a rotten apple.
"When Tom realised that I was a carrier, he threatened to hand me over to the police if I didn't give him the drugs for free. I wasn't scared at first, and almost called his bluff, but I remembered that his Dad's a lawyer. I could get locked up pretty easily. So now I'm having to pay for Tom's drugs."
"Why don't you tell the boss that Tom didn't give you the money? You're telling the truth, and they can go check with Tom themselves if they have an issue," I said desperately.
"These people don't have time to chase after clients, Holly. That's why they've employed me! If I go back empty handed, the boss will never believe what I'm saying, especially if it's about Tom. He's a rich guy, why wouldn't he be able to spare two hundred pounds for drugs? They'd think I stole the money, and that I'm lying to cover my own back. I don't wanna know what they'd do if it came to that. That's why I have to keep paying Tom's due every time I deliver to him, so they don't suspect anything."
My head started to pound. "Can't you switch delivery days or something? Get someone else to go to Tom instead?"
"Nope, everyone has set days. Plus, I haven't even spoken to the other carriers. I saw a couple of others but they didn't really talk to me. The less we know about each other, the safer it is for everyone. I did have a similar shift with this guy, but he was so stoned that he didn't even know his zipper was open!"
I gave Joshua a sharp look, and he held his hands up in surrender.
"I haven't used any drugs myself, I swear to you! I'm not that stupid, Holly. I'm only doing this for the money, and even that I'm not making enough of now, thanks to Tom fucking Penderfield."
"So is that what he was talking to you about in school last week? I saw you two."
Joshua nodded. "He was reminding me that his next order was due in a week. I haven't got enough money to pay for him this time though. That shitbag can easily get me arrested. Holly, he won't even have to frame me. I've only got three days left before I have to make the delivery."
"You could go to the police and tell them everything that's happened, that way Tom would be liable for his actions."
Joshua shook his head sadly. "Nah, the boss and business owner would probably shoot me dead if I ratted them out, then they'd come after you and Mum. That's why I don't hang around with you. I don't know how many eyes the boss has. Tom's covered either way, his Dad knows the law inside out, and he's a regular paying client. If only my Dad was a hotshot lawyer, then I might've had a chance against him."
I swallowed hard. This was the first time Joshua had spoken about Dad in a long time. "Do you think Dad could help?"
Joshua shrugged violently. "He should be doing what I'm trying to do for us. How long can we stay in this place? Purslane is a shithole with dangerous streets, and we need way more money to get a better place. If he could've helped, he would've by now. So it's up to us to do something ourselves," concluded Joshua with a snarl.
I blinked a couple of times as I thought of what to say. Joshua's chest was heaving as he took deep breaths. He looked so enraged that I actually felt afraid.
"Joshua—"
"No! I don't want to hear it. I hate him Holly. I hate him!" he spat out in a guttural voice.
I held my breath and reminded myself that Joshua wasn't angry at me.
"He's still our Dad though," I said cautiously.
"Yeah, well, I wish he wasn't. I don't wanna talk about this anymore," said Joshua heatedly. He curled his hands into fists and his knuckles turned white.
I just got my brother back and didn't want to lose him again, so I let the subject go.
"Okay, so, have you thought about where to get more money from? You could try going back to that Cafe you worked at."
Joshua nodded, already calmer. "Yeah, I've already spoken to David and he was fine with me coming back, but warned me to keep my temper in check. He's always been a cool guy, he's a good manager."
"Yeah, he's really nice. He gave me a mocha for free once, when I was soaked from walking home in the rain."
Joshua had been fired from the Cafe because he'd had an argument with a customer and 'accidentally' thrown coffee on him. The man didn't press charges but pressured David into firing Joshua, saying that if David didn't comply, he would take them both to court.
"Let's see how I do this time. I'll be starting tomorrow at two. Don't know how I'm gonna keep it together when I serve coffee to moronic assholes though."
I punched Joshua's arm lightly. "Let them say what they want, learn to ignore it. You won't ever be able to shut their mouths, so it's better to pretend they don't exist."
Joshua smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "Advice from the younger sibling, eh? When did you become so wise?" he asked jokingly.
"When I realised life wasn't going to get any better, unless I did something about it. So technically, about an hour ago!" I replied and launched into a laugh.
Joshua laughed with me, but he didn't realise how true my statement really was.
What do you think about Joshua's story?
As always, please leave a comment with your thoughts, suggestions and improvements! It really helps me out ^_^ Don't forget to vote for this chapter if you enjoyed it :)
If you are feeling suicidal, please call the Samaritans UK free on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org In the USA, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline free on 1-800-273-8255 <3
Suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else ~ David Foster Wallace