"It's ironic how our hearts can still get hurt by something we've seen coming." -Unknown
***
mia // jacob
Every girl will always remember the names of each of her firsts. From her first crush, first car, first job, first best friend, and most especially, her first love. I think first loves are important because they are the first ones who show you what romantic love is supposed to feel like. First loves are the ones who you unconsciously think back to at random times of the day. They are the ones who make you feel things that you haven't felt before. They are unforgettable, because no one can ever replace them. They're the kind of person who seems to stay forever embedded in your heart.
My first love happened to be a boy named Jacob. Jacob Isaac Fisher.
But before he was the first love of my life, he started off as a stranger. One I had met at a party.
It during my freshman year of high school, at the end of school party. I was the shy and introverted seventh grader and he was a confident cool ninth grader. While he had braces and played the violin, he wasn't actually labelled as a "nerd" or a "band geek". He seemed to fly above those stereotypical titles.
It was in the middle of the party when I noticed him at a table all by himself. I had never spoken to him before, but I suddenly wanted to. There was this force in me that drew me to him, despite never not knowing if he was friendly or not. Even though my social skills were close to non-existent, I took a deep breath, walked over to him, and tried to initiate a conversation.
"Hi. Jacob right? I don't know if you know me but I'm Mia." I said awkwardly. At surface level, I sounded calm, but underneath all that calmness was the fear and awkwardness that I tried to keep hidden. Our eyes met as he acknowledged my greeting. The expression on his face was first painted with confusion, as I was this stranger trying to talk to him, but it seemed to fade a little bit as he replied.
"Hey. And yeah, that's me." He greeted me back with a smile. I offered him a smile in return. I don't remember what we actually started talking about but we ended up talking for hours. There was nothing left untouched during that first conversation, our personalities just seems to go well together. I didn't think you could have such an instant connection with someone, but somehow, it happened between us.
I quickly learned that he was a math wiz, an avid gamer, and that he had a dog. He eventually learned that I had a love for baking, books, and writing. There were jarring differences between us but what stuck out to me was how easy it was to speak to Jacob. I felt like I could tell him anything. I think that's when I knew there was this connection forming between us.
And that was how it all began, my random bit of confidence ended up being the start of a very unforgettable friendship.
Even though I felt a connection, initiating follow-up conversations were a little bit a challenge considering I was too shy to try and approach him when he was with his friends. So I turned to chatting with him online. It was kind of like our little secret, our own place where we didn't have to worry about the people around us and we could be ourselves. So even if I couldn't tell him in person, at least I knew I would get to tell him later during our online chats.
It started off as an odd chat here and there to every day for hours. Eventually, he became my best friend. He was kind, caring, and fun to be around. He never failed to make me laugh with his jokes, to make me think when we talked about the real meaning of things, and to make me smile with the most heartwarming words.
I never thought I could be so close to someone, or feel the way Jacob made me feel. Our friendship was growing to be something so meaningful and important in both of our lives. Even if we seemed worlds apart at school, when we met on chat, it was like those walls that kept us apart never existed.
After a while, chats just weren't enough so we did start hanging out at school. At first it was a little nerve-wracking but eventually I became comfortable with it and we saw each other as often as we could. I really started to come out of my shell when he introduced me to his friends and I became good friends with them as well. Jacob seemed to bring out the best sides of me and showed me the person I could be. I could be more confident and I could be more open, I slowly started liking the influence he had on me.
And even if I tried my best not to, I ended falling for my best friend. At first I really tried to ignore how I felt. I told myself constantly that it was just a phase and that I was going to get over it. It quickly became apparent to me that this was not a phase and that my feelings were only growing stronger. I fought against it for a while, worried that I would be another example of a girl losing her best friend because of unrequited love. I told myself that I was just deluded with the idea that my best friend would actually like me back.
Despite all these growing concerns, I still wondered what it would be like to date him. For us to hold hands, go on romantic dates, and have the pleasure of calling him my boyfriend. Being fourteen at the time, I could only dream for these things to become a reality. From my perspective, he was the perfect guy - he understood me, he cared about me, and I know that we would fit perfectly as a couple.
Around a year and half later, our friendship took a turn. There were many times where it felt like he was flirting with me. His compliments came across a lot less friendly and more romantic. At first we joked about having this kind of older brother to little sister relationship, and then all of a sudden, he negated that we were like that at all. While these sudden gestures made me think something was beginning to happen between us, I was never brave enough to actually bring it up.
And then one day at school, we met up in the hallway like we did normally. I asked him about how his day went and he did the same. Right in the middle of the conversation, the tone changed when he said that, "I like you Mia."
The moment those words registered into my brain, I was in a state of shock. The words I had been wishing to hear all this time had finally come out of his mouth. I thought I was dreaming but he was quick to tell me that it was all a reality. He chuckled lightly as my disbelief and was adamant in explaining that he was not joking at all, and that he liked truly me.
We started dating around the end of that year. We went on dates, held hands a couple of times, and generally explored the new things that came with being a couple. The transition from friends to more wasn't too hard, since we were already quite close emotionally, it was more about the physical intimacy. That "honeymoon phase" was amazing and he was the perfect guy. Caring, sweet, and romantic. While we weren't the biggest about showing affection in public, we always did our best to show our love when we were alone with words, gifts, and small acts. It was safe to say that we were in love. The feeling was even better than how they say it feels in the books or the movies.
When our first anniversary came along, there was this feeling of triumph. One year of us and we talked all about how it wouldn't be the last. We had this feeling that we were going to be in each other's lives forever. And it really seemed like it was going to happen. We made promises to be committed to one another, that we were each other's. Back then we were just a bunch of teens with wide-eyed dreams of our relationship in for the long run. We made these promises we didn't fully realize were easier said than done.
But at some point, that dreamy-eyed phase ended and reality began to slap me hard in the face. It was during his senior year, that I began to feel a decline in our relationship.
It started off slowly, like when our chats grew shorter. His replies were less and more delayed. I first took it as a product of his busy senior year and decided to hold my concern. I didn't want to come off as impatient so I just waited for him to not be as busy. I finished my work as easy as I could to make sure that I had enough time for him. We both had gotten busier with our school work but I tried my hardest to make sure that it didn't interfere with our relationship. I waited and waited yet, he never had the free time.
I think we need to work on things. We haven't been talking that much.
I know you've been quite busy and all but I hope you that I'm here for you okay? I'm just a little worried that you've been keeping me out of the loop lately.
I'm so sorry Mia. It's just been so hectic with thesis and all these things that I feel like time slipping away from me.
I promise that once the workload gets lighter, I'll make it up to you.
I also would never shut you out. It's just been a little harder these days to chat. I'm really sorry though :-(
I understand. I was just concerned and all. Take all the time you need. Good luck with all the work, I know you can do it. :-)
I love you.
I love you too.
I grew concerned about this and tried to fix it. I brought it up with him one day that we should work on us. I told him that I felt a little left out. This was the time that he told me that he would make it up to me. He promised me that once he was done with the major work of the year, he'd have time for me. He made it up to me with a card and I forgave him instantly. I tried to be less selfish, knowing that he was just trying to adjust to a busier work schedule.
But after that apology, nothing changed. His promise seemed to be forgotten even after all he said. Even after his thesis, we still never chatted as much.
The next red flag was that our desire to be around one another lessened. There were days in school where I didn't even talk to him in person once. We rarely went on dates and phone calls were a thing of the past. I would wait for him in our favorite spot in school but he never showed up. I saw him every so often but usually it was when he had to leave to go home. When we saw each other, I felt like we were old friends reconnecting, rather than boyfriend and girlfriend.
I miss you.
I just never get to see you that much anymore. I'm okay with just having a little bit of your time.
I know you have so much to do right now but I feel like there's this invisible wall forming between us.
I don't need an hour. I just need five minutes. Please. That's all ready more than enough for me.
Sorry. But it's just that I'm still so busy.
I just have so much to deal with right now, so all this isn't really helping me.
I'll make it up to you eventually.
Promise.
I have to go.
Love you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize. I'm being insensitive. It's just been a hard month and I just wanted to talk to you.
Forget what I said.
I love you too.
Again, I brought it up that I missed him and that we should see each other more often. This time came off more as a plead, a small wish. His reply was a little less forgiving and he sounded more annoyed than anything. This is when I started taking a step back. It pained me to stay quiet because I wanted to fix things before it got too bad. But seeing the way he almost snapped at me, I held off these things for a while, thinking that I was just being insensitive and that I just needed to cut him some slack.
I turned to my friends who all told me that I didn't have to stand for this kind of treatment. "You shouldn't have to wait for more time, you need to make time." they told me over and over again. They said that it wasn't just him who has a busy life. My own life was hectic and work filled but I knew how to balance it all to be able find time for him. He should be able to do the same. Once more, I tried again to fix our relationship.
Hey, I just wanted to ask you if we could talk? It's kind of important.
Can it wait? Can't really talk right now, super busy. I'll talk to you later, okay?
Oh okay. I'll just come back then.
Okay. See you later.
Bye.
Later never came. I stayed up for hours after he said that and he never returned. I got another half meant sorry text the morning after that night, and I just told him it was okay. Even though, deep down, it wasn't okay. I lied to him and I lied to myself that it was okay. I wondered why I couldn't say anything but it felt useless to try and reason with him. After that, I stopped trying to make changes all together. Every time I had tried back then ultimately failed. I didn't bother because I had memorized his automatic-answers. Those answers started came with a shrug and just another dose of him telling me I was overreacting. He explained to me that was just a busy guy and nothing was wrong. All my concerns fell onto deaf ears. He would make another round of promises that he will make it up to me only to break them time and time again. Instead of putting myself through the idea of hearing it all again, I just decided to remain silent.
This is when all of my doubts were left to fester and poison my thoughts on my relationship. I thought about telling him but I realized there was no point. I never stopped thinking about it though. I would wrack my brains out for hours and wonder what happened to us? Eventually, I thought it was my fault. I did something and he just refused to tell me. Each night after a very short chat left me awake with hundreds of thoughts questioning everything.
Did I set him off? Was it something I said? Am I ugly? Do I talk too much? Am I not enough?
My head was always filled with these never ending questions, doubts, and fears. I woke up feeling heavier and heavier than I ever did in my life. I was scared of what was happening. I was scared that he was going to break up with me. I was scared he didn't love me anymore.
At that point, he had became so important in my life that I couldn't imagine what would it be like to lose him. I began to wonder if I even held the same amount of importance in his life anymore. These were the thoughts that stayed with me. These were the thoughts that intensified once he graduated from our school.
Since it was summer, I thought this would be our chance to rekindle our relationship and get it back to a good state. But summer only made the distance between us larger. I felt him starting to slip away from me. He told me once again that he was just busy and would make up for it later. He never really responded when I suggested we should go on a date. He always left chats earlier than he used to. All of this took a toll of me. I wasn't happy anymore with the relationship. I reached my breaking point soon after. It can be so emotionally exhausting to devote yourself to someone who you feel doesn't care about you. And it hurts even more when it's someone who once told you they loved you every day.
But I had to face that it just wasn't the case for me anymore. I was so tired and confused that I was just waiting for him to break up with me.
And then it happened. He ended it with me over text on Sunday afternoon. Even if I was already expecting it, nothing can really prepare you for the kind of pain that came with being broken up with. At first I couldn't even fully read his text because it felt too painful. My eyes could only manage to pick up some keywords in the long paragraph text.
I thought I should just settle things so that we could go our separate ways...
...I guess I just don't feel that spark...
...I think its better if we just stayed friends...
I'm going off to college soon and I'm going to get really busy...
I'm sorry.
I ran to the bathroom as quick as I could. Once I was inside I felt the tears begin to drop and I started crying. The world seemed to swirling all around me. Even if he had ended our relationship, these nagging questions seemed to only increase. They just seemed to drill holes into my brain and double the amount of pain.
How long have you felt this way? Why didn't you do it sooner? Why did you make a fool out of me? Why did you do this? Why now?
I just wanted to know why. I wanted to know the answers to these questions. I felt like I deserved at the very least, a decent explanation to all of this. I just wanted answers in hope that they would somehow null the aching pain that was in my heart. I held my chest trying to stop it from breaking into two pieces, I felt my knees weaken and almost hit the floor.
I remembered how I couldn't stop crying. My eyes grew sore and my head hurt from the hours of crying tirelessly. I never expected it would hurt this much. How could someone who cared about me do this? It felt like a pillar of my life was just knocked down and left me to be crushed by all the rubble.
How could someone who once made you so happy also hurt you this much?
***
author's note:
hello everyone!
so, here is the first new part of the new and improved Project Unfiltered. the posting schedule is still kind of unsure but i'm aiming for once a week.
hopefully, you'll enjoy the new version :)
also, this chapter is dedicated to @KaylaHassas for the absolutely lovely new cover of the book. this one for you.
see you all in the next chapter,
-eringirl <3