Media: Pinesong – A Fine Frenzy
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Coe's POV
Bliss. I had never known it would feel like this.
I had never known the fullness of joy that one could feel, waking up to a lover that had you tucked in his embrace as though you were the most precious thing he owned. As thought he feared losing you so.
I tried my best to breathe as quietly as I could, keeping my body still as I smiled against Heath's bare chest. In the days that I've moved into his bedroom, I've learnt that Heath was a very light sleeper. The slightest of moments and he would rouse from his slumber, no matter how deep into his sleep he already was.
I know because every time I tossed and turned in bed, his arms would react almost instantly to pull me closer towards him, making sure that I didn't move too far from him in this huge bed. He would also be swiftly woken up by the mere vibrations from his phone, and he would entangle himself from me to tend to his business without even a moment to laze in bed.
Heath's body warmth kept me warm as he tucked me into a firm cuddle that I know I would not be able to get out of, unless he allowed me to. I closed my eyes, embarrassed, when I realised how much I liked Heath's possessiveness over me. I feel as though finally I was wanted by someone. Finally, someone was even looking my way. Finally, I might even have a shot at this thing called love.
Through my own revelation of my feelings towards my current situation, I am determined that I will not short change Heath in the process. Perhaps we have started on this path with no intentions of being more than just bed warmers towards one another, but I feel as though I might be ready to take the next step with him. I don't know how Heath felt towards me, I don't know if he was even interested in having something more than just a physical relationship with me, but I know that I'm not involved with Heath only for my physical needs, not anymore.
I'd admit that I've grown affectionate towards Heath, and my feelings were only getting stronger each day that I spent with him. It scared me a bit to think that it didn't take an arm or a leg from me to step away from Jared, so easy for me to set my eyes upon someone else. It did make me think, why didn't I do this earlier?
Perhaps I am just being foolish all these while, treasuring my unrequited feelings for Jared, thinking I should not sully it by being so hopelessly faithful to someone who will never look my way. Perhaps I've finally taken that step that I should have taken a long time ago. Maybe this time I will walk away from Jared with my own two feet and I won't look back.
Why should I? Heath makes me happy, he keeps me happy. He doesn't test my feelings for him, he doesn't cheapen my feelings for him. In fact, everything that Heath does gives me the impression that he cares for me in a very special way, that I took up a space in his life that was precious.
Heath and I have been continuously intimate since the first time we were together. I didn't think that I ever had an appetite for sex since I've never really had the experience, but it was like a switch had been flipped from inside of me, and now I can only constantly crave Heath's touch, and most importantly, his kisses.
God, his kisses.
I could live and breathe for the sake of his kisses. I could survive on it and nothing else.
His kisses makes me forget everything. Forget Jared.
I find myself not thinking about the fact that I haven't seen or spoken to Jared in weeks. Sure, it does cross my mind whenever Heath leaves for work and I remember that he was going to spend the day working for Jared, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. In fact, I was quite content with my life now to even think of him.
These days, I only look forward to seeing Heath every morning when I open my eyes, and spending every other waking moment with him when he comes home. I looked forward to the time that we would spend in bed, sometimes intimately, sometimes just basking in each other's company. In short, I admit that I may have formed an unhealthy attachment to Heath.
I sighed quietly into Heath's chest, biting my lips to keep myself from smiling like a fool when his arms seem to snake around me even tighter.
I recall the first time that we had been intimate. The morning after that, when Heath hastily left for work, leaving me to my own thoughts, I remember not thinking much about the aftermath of the pleasurable night we shared. All I did as I laid in bed, was blush like a virgin bride as I recalled our night of passion.
He had been such a gentleman. He was patient, attentive and he was everything I had ever dreamt of, or fantasised about. Granted, I never imagined myself to be intimate with Heath, but still, the night that we shared was perfect.
I had planned to laze in bed until I found the conviction to get out of bed and search for a job, but when I decided to get out of bed and prepare myself for the day, I realised quite suddenly that my entire body was completely worn out. My muscles trembled and my back strained so much that I gasped so loudly that I startled even myself. I resigned myself to doing absolutely nothing except to recover from the work out that I had, reminding myself ever so often that it was time that I worked on my fitness, or I'll never keep up with Heath, or be able to satisfy him in the long run.
That day, I spent the rest of the day in Heath's bed, hating the fact that despite the time and effort that Heath had taken to prepare me, I was still struggling with the dull ache within me. It made me wonder if sex was supposed to be like that. If it was normal that you become a useless pile of goo the next time, unable to find the strength to even do something as simple as getting to the washroom, or lounging in the couch. I'm not complaining and wishing that I didn't share that night with Heath of course. The aches and the exhaustion that I felt were well worth it. It reminded me of what a big step I had finally had the guts to take after so long of being hopelessly in love with Jared.
Strangely, when I thought of Jared these days, I noticed that the guilt that had been eating me up from inside has been dissipating slowly. Sure, I still thought of him occasionally, and I know deep down that I am still trying to get over my feelings for Jared, and I still pine for him, but my feelings for Jared seems to be not as intense as it used to be.
I know it's a dead end where I wish we could end up. I know that Jared would never be able to give me what I wanted. Waiting around wasn't going to change anything, the past nine years was proof enough. I needed to move on, even though my body has, but my heart seemed stuck in the past. No matter, with the convincing that Heath was giving me every night, I think my heart is bound to change it's mind. I'm determined to have a change of heart.
The memory of what Heath and I were engaged in last night made me bite my lips shyly.
I licked my lips nervously, wondering when I had developed the slightly heart palpitation every time I thought about Heath. Had I already moved on?
I'm still not sure.
I still feel miserable at times when I think about Jared and what we could not have. But thinking about Heath always makes me feel better, makes me feel more fulfilled, as though someone really cared, or even loved me. As though I wasn't going to grow old and die without knowing love. Sometimes when I look at Heath, I feel as though we could have something more, something I wanted with Jared.
It scared me that I had these thoughts, and I hoped and wished that it wasn't out of my own fears of being lonely, but that I genuinely felt that way for Heath. If I wanted something more from Heath than what we had now, it was only fair that I approached this with all my heart, and not to use him as a replacement for Jared.
As much as I needed to be happy myself, Heath deserved to be happy to. And if I couldn't give him my heart, and all of me, then Heath deserved someone else better.
"I hope you're not overthinking again, Coe."
I startled, my heart racing when Heath's low morning voice rumbled right beside my ear.
He chuckled, pulling away from me slightly so that he could look at my face properly, "What are you thinking about again?" He muttered, leaning forward to kiss me on the forehead, "Good morning."
I blushed at the tickling sensation in my chest that I've learnt was the fluttering of my heart as it reacted to Heath's affections, "Good morning." I smiled, "I was just thinking how happy I am to be here." I whispered.
Heath smirked, "And...?" He drawled, reaching out to thumb my cheek, "You've been awake for a while now. I'm sure that's not the only thought that has been running through that mind of yours."
I shrugged, touching his hand as I brought it to my lips and gently kissing the back of his hand, "Were you awake the whole time? Why didn't you say something? It's creepy, you know that right?" I wiggled my nose at him.
Heath recaptured my hand in his, twisting it behind my back as he pull me close to him, "What were you thinking about?" He pressed, not buying my change of topic.
I shook my head, not fighting his grip, enjoying being pulled flushed against his body. I could feel his excitement growing against my bare skin under the sheets, making my own body stir in response, "Nothing much. The usual." I swallowed, "Can I get a good morning kiss?" I asked with a grin.
He hummed, sighing as he leaned down to kiss me chastely on the lips, before he pulled away and looked at me with an unreadable expression, "You haven't spoken to boss in almost three weeks now." I watched my face carefully and I frowned, "Do you think it might be time that you try to rebuild your friendship?"
This time I fought against his grip and pushed myself away from him. When he resisted, I used my legs to untangle myself from him. He hesitated with a frown, before he let me go slowly. I took the chance to sit up, fully intending to walk away from this conversation. Screw Heath, screw Jared. I was having a perfectly good morning until this very moment. Why does Heath always have to mention Jared when he is the last person I want to discuss about, especially with Heath?
His hands shot out to grab my wrist and I flung his hand away, turning my head around to glare at Heath, "Stop. I don't want to talk to you about Jared." I gripped the sheets around my waist tightly.
Heath narrowed his eyes at me, "Why not?"
I rolled my eyes, "There is nothing to talk about." I answered curtly.
"Are you going to keep pretending that boss doesn't exist? Is that it?" He probed, pushing himself into an upright position as he leaned back on the bed frame, "Are you going to keep running away from your problems, Coe?"
"Yes." I hissed angrily.
Why does he have to do this to me first thing in the fucking morning right after I've been having very pleasant thoughts about him and what we possibly could have between us in the future? Way to fucking dampen my spirits and put the distance between us.
It's as though he was doing it to remind me of my place in this house, of where I stood with him. It's as though despite everything good about him, and how well he treats me, he was using Jared to keep me at arm's length, and I hate it. I hate it because a part of me knows that he was bringing it up not to hurt me, but to help me because he knows how much I treasure Jared.
Fuck, I know that I am running away from my problems. I know that I should face Jared and settle whatever that was left unsaid between the both of us. I know that I should be firm and just tell Jared that I will get over him, but I want to have control of my life from now on. I know that by staying here at Heath's, avoiding the conversation with Jared was not a long term solution, but God does he have to pick such a timing to talk about this?
"Are you really going to give up your friendship of nine years, just like that?" He pushed again.
I clenched my fists so hard that I shook slightly, "I don't think it's any of your business how my friendship of nine years turns out."
As soon as those words left my mouth, I bit down hard on my lips with regret. I had not meant to talk to Heath like that. I could feel my chest aching with hurt at my own words, and I saw Heath tense.
When he didn't say a word except to look away from me and shift out of the bed, I know that I had, for the first time ever, pissed Heath off. The thought of it made my veins crawl and I shivered.
"Heath..." I muttered under my breath, my anger forgotten as I threw the covers off of my body and stood, "I'm sorry."
He ignored my apology, choosing instead to shuffle towards the bathroom without another glance at me, and I could sense myself starting to tear up. I fucked up.
I forced my feet to follow after him. When he didn't slam the bathroom door after he entered, I know that at the very least, he would hear me out.
When I entered the bathroom, Heath was furiously washing his face at the sink and I licked my lips anxiously. This was new for me. I've never spoken to Heath like that, nor has he ever lost his temper with me.
"Heath..." I started, clearing my throat when my voice came out shakily.
He didn't respond, except to reach towards the stack of towels to put a clean one to his face to dry off.
I padded guiltily closer to him, gauging his reaction as I did. I put my hand tentatively on his bare hip, my fingers cold against his touch as I hesitated. When he didn't move away from me, I braced myself to be rejected as I wrapped both my arms around him, hugging him from behind.
"I'm sorry." I breathed as I leaned one cheek against his broad back, "I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."
He placed on hand over mine and pulled himself free, "No, you are right. Who am I to speak about your friendship with boss. It is completely none of my business."
My heart skipped two beats at how cold his voice was as he spoke, and I hurried to wrap my arms back around him, "No, Heath. I'm sorry. You were only concerned. I'm sorry. Please, Heath." I kissed his shoulder blade and I felt his entire body tense up, "I'm sorry."
He didn't respond, but neither did he push me away this time, so I gathered all my pride and I chucked it aside as I moved to face him, my arms still encircled around him, "I'm sorry." I apologised once more as I looked up into his eyes. I could see the pronounced frown between his brows and his eyes were not as soft as he always looked when he was engaging with me.
"I need to get to work, Coe."
I swallowed, biting my lips and resting my forehead against his collar when I felt a trickle of a tear fall from my eyes. I hated that he was talking to me like that. I hated how dismissive he sounded, like he was truly putting the distance between us on purpose. I did this.
"I'm sorry." I held him tighter, "Tell me what I can do to fix this, please." I breathed.
I startled when I felt his palms holding the back of my head tenderly as he hummed, "It's fine."
I shook my head, pulling away from his chest to look at him, "No, tell me what I can do so you will forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you with what I said, Heath. I didn't mean a word of it at all."
Heath's eyes widened as his fingers worked quickly to wipe at the tear trail on my cheek, "Why are you crying?" He frowned, holding my face with both hands, "It's a small matter, Coe." He cursed under his breath.
I squeezed my eyes shut, "It's not. It's not a small matter. I don't want us to be like that. Tell me how to fix this."
Heath leaned his forehead against mine, "Why are you so worked up about this? I didn't mean to make you cry, Coe."
I reached to touch the side of his face, "And I didn't mean to hurt you either. I'm sorry." I sighed, "Are you alright?"
Heath kissed my forehead as he pulled away, "I'm not angry."
"But you were. I don't want you to distance yourself from me Heath. I know you care, that's why you push me to talk to Jared. I don't want you to think that you are nobody to me. You have the right to talk to me about anything. I'm sorry, Heath." I held onto his hands, afraid to let him go, afraid that if he walked away from me, this issue will start to cause a rift between us.
"I really have to get to work, Coe."
See? It already has.
I held onto him desperately, "Let me fix this, Heath. Don't walk away without letting me fix this. I don't want us to have this hanging over us." I squeezed his hands, "I'm sorry. Tell me how I can fix this."
Heath searched deep into my eyes, and I blinked at him, hoping he could sense how sincere I was to clear up this misunderstanding.
"I could think of something..."
"What is it?" I asked with a hopeful voice.
Heath regarded me with an intense look, before he licked his lips and stared down between us. I followed his gaze, gasping as I blushed wildly when I realised what he was trying to imply. I looked back up at him, my body trembling as I saw him raise his brow cheekily.
He wasn't even that angry at me in the first place! Horny bastard.
It didn't stop the wave of relief that wash over my entire being when I found out that I've been played for a fool.
"If you don't want to-"
I dropped down on my knees, not letting him finish his sentence, before I held him in my hands with purpose, glaring at him as I worked his flesh into my mouth. I narrowed my eyes at him when he let out a quiet moan.
God. I was stupid to think that he could ever be truly angry with me. I should have known the moment he didn't close the bathroom door behind him that he had this whole evil plan in his head. This was his intention the whole damn time and I fell for it like the perfect idiot that I am.
Despite knowing of his devilish plans, I focused my entire being into pleasuring him, my fingers digging into his hips to hold onto him. I don't care now if he was angry at all to begin with. I don't care if I was manipulated into doing this. All I care about right now, was that I had Heath in a vulnerable position, and I can choose how I wanted this to end.
"Coe..."
I hummed, my mouth still attached around him as I used all my knowledge of Heath's preferences to handle him.
"You don't have to-"
I sucked particularly hard and Heath let out a louder moan this time, "Shit, Coe." His hand wrapped around the back of my head and I knew then that I was now in control.
I hummed again as I grinned. Two can play at this game, Heath. Now that you've shown your hand, you've got nothing.
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Soon... Soon guys... It's coming, soon...