Unacceptable.
I refuse to accept all what is happening right now, how the events have turned in a blink of an eye. I swear I thought having to get a useful assistant would finally make me achieve what I have been longing and yearning for so many years. She who has endured with the pain; she with the innocent look every time we train.
She... She who had made me feel guilty for hurting her.
As quick as my dreams disappeared was the same speed that I lost all sorts of feelings and pity towards her.
I laid down on my bed, throwing the brown envelope somewhere across the room. Rage fills my head as I continuously bang my fist against the gray-painted wall. I wanted to resist all of these thoughts that are flooding my mind. I don't want to do that thing -- not to her.
But the more that I tell myself not to, the more that I wanted to do it.
I attempted to close my eyes, wanting to drift to sleep so I wouldn't think of it any longer. The situation got worse, and I was even able to see her in clear vision in my mind. Soon, even my conversation with Mori a while ago started to fill my thoughts.
Gin still wasn't home and is most likely at school with Ira, so I grabbed my phone to open the messaging tool. Revealing my wallpaper upon unlocking, I stared at it for quite a while. It was a stolen shot taken by my sister of me and 'her' at the cafe that we always go to. Her teacup held upward, matching with her smile that reaches from both ends of her ears. Meanwhile there was me, just looking at her in all seriousness, taking a sip of my tea.
Stop it, I told to myself. I went to the settings and removed the wallpaper, putting it back to the default black and white background that I used to have. Going back to the messaging tool, I pinged Gin a message, telling her to get me back some food along the way.
Below Gin's thread of messages was obviously Ira, still showing the last message that she sent a while ago. We have no school tomorrow in preparation for the graduation on Friday; some teachers and students will be decorating the venue and stuff. The next and last time that I would be seeing her would still be on Friday.
Screw it, I couldn't help myself anymore. The act is unacceptable and I couldn't have my mind at peace.
And besides, what could possibly go wrong if I dispatch from that rule from the contract?
Navigating my thumb to the thread, I tapped on the glass screen, opening the long thread that I never had the plan to delete. My two thumbs made my way through typing a straightforward message; no more, no less.
Me:
Meet me at the garden at 4am. Do not be late.
As usual, I got an immediate reply from her saying 'yes'. It was only six thirty in the evening and I will most likely sleep after Gin gets back.
---
The skies were still in pitch black, moon positioned just above the ground scenery. Stars were still twinkling like bulbs in the sky. All I could hear was the wind blowing against my face, the rustling of the flower bushes, and my own clothes being blown by the wind. I was here quite too early -- I wanted to be here first.
It was only ten minutes after the devil's hour, and here I am alone within school grounds. I slept for about four hours only due to the fact that my mind has not come to a state of peace. The scene between her and Dazai kept on coming back in my head, plus the one that Mori had told me.
I couldn't take it anymore. What has she done to deserve all those things, but not to me? She has barely worked her way to even improve her ability; she is mostly on the utility side of things but what offense gimmicks has she shown? Heck, she couldn't even defend herself against the people who are already taking her on to death!
And yet she is the highest ranked student of Yokohama Nouryoko Gakkou, got all the attention and appraisal of Dazai, and is approved by everyone else.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG?
Not too long before 4am came, a girl in her pink and white aesthetics stood under the green arc, her hair freely flowing along with the wind. She stared at me in all innocence, probably wondering what I called her for in such an early time.
It's just the two of us in an abandoned place somewhere in school grounds. It is the only time that we are alone together, without anybody coming with us. She would usually be loquacious and try to enlighten things, but right now we're just stuck in this silence.
But as soon as she was about to break the ice, I had her open her mouth only to yell and choke in pain.
Rashoumon. I struck her directly through her chest, the anger that has been filling my mind finally taking over my system. Even though with my sudden outburst, she did not even think of resisting or to struggle to get out.
"Is this how the higher-ups see a 'potential'," I said in between gritted teeth. "A strong being, highest ranked student of Yokohama Nouryoko Gakkou, and yet doesn't bother to fight back?!"
But Ira said nothing.
And we're stuck inside the silence... in a cold war.
"Your purpose is to help me out get to the top, is it not?!" I continued, since Ira didn't seem like she'd speak up anytime soon. "How could you beat your own master to his own dreams, huh servant?!"
Still no response, so I yelled out;
"Goddamnit, Ira! Answer me! Stop making a fool out of me!"
Ira tried to send shock waves through the attack that is still pierced in her body, only to get her hand grabbed by another from me. I pulled her closer to me, getting a better view of her face going through a lot of misery.
She stared at me with a painful expression, her words coming out as a stutter. "I... I did not want to be on top in the first place, m-master."
I struck her another one. "Then why are you highest ranked? It only means that you were secretly pushing harder than me, which is not supposed to be! How could a useless wimp like you be on top?!"
Tears started to form in her eyes, which angered me even more and slamming her on the grassy ground. The more I hurt her, the more her weeping goes on louder.
"'Useless', you say?" Ira struggled to speak, taking advantage of the Rashoumon attached on her body to pull me down to the ground as well. "After enduring all your merciless tactics against me, running errands for you even if it was located at the outskirts of Tokyo, and having to almost risk my life for you... you still call that useless?!"
Ira slapped me in the face with her empowered hand before proceeding to speak once again. "If only I knew you were this ungrateful, I would have given up on you long ago!"
"Who said you can give up on me that easily?" I retorted. "You are aware of the consequences when you quit!"
"You mean that consequence wherein the total amount of damage you did to me before I quit will be the equivalent of how painful it will be for me to launch my ability?" Ira explained. "That means nothing to me at all anymore! All throughout my life I've always been suffering anyway!"
I was never really aware of that consequence; only the part of when the contract ends and what happens when I kill her. But I did not need to know any more information about what happens when she quits.
"See, you are full of drama and self-pity," I coughed out, dealing additional damage to her once again. "How could the likes of you deserve his appraisal?! I did all what I can to impress him, and I even saved you multiple times just so he knows! But what happened in the end?! I STILL DIDN'T GET CREDIT FROM ANY OF WHAT I DID!"
"But I--"
"THAT IS A COMPLETE ACT OF DEFIANCE TO YOUR MASTER, MITSUYA IRA! I DO NOT FORGIVE YOU FOR SUCH INCOMPETENCE!"
I got up from her hold, throwing her up in the air and activating the Early Blooming Sakura. Ira was able to act, however it was no match for my ability. I let her go from the hold, blood splattered at some areas of the garden and even more when she laid half-dead on the floor.
Ira was still able to make minimal movements even after my attempt to impale her in the most vital parts of the human body. She was crawling towards the fountain, mumbling out 'too much thoughts'. Upon reaching the edge of the cobblestone, her hand extended out to grab something from underneath those pool of sakura petals. I attacked her once again, wrapping her wrist out of the pile and revealed a combat knife in her grasp.
I let her go again, completely knocking her down on the floor unable to move. The knife was still in her hands, I kicked it far from her reach.
"I'm sorry... if you thought of it that way, Ryuunosuke," Ira struggled to speak, dropping the honorifics and calling me by first name. "But as you saw during the exams, I did not attack Dazai with that bright light that I emitted. It was a suicide move, wherein I do deal a bunch of damage to the target, but takes a huge portion of my chances of living. I did it on purpose. I was trying to kill myself so you'd get the higher grade."
I kept quiet. I knew that it was a suicide move all this time, but I did not know it was for that purpose.
"That still doesn't change the fact that you were first place in the first exams, and that you were only acting weak so you'd surprise the higher-ups by the end of the exams."
"I know, I was stupid." She stated like it was a matter of fact. "But I just wanted the others to see how strong you really are, by weakening myself... So they'd feel threatened near you and so that you'd be superior against them."
Ira stopped speaking there, suddenly going on an outburst of screams while saying 'too much thoughts' in the process. Her tears started to mix in with the blood coming from her head, while the larger casualty in her chest still wide open.
She did not have her ability active, after all. She is not regenerating.
"Akutagawa Ryuunosuke," Ira called out, turning her head around to face me. "I have learned to embrace all of what I have heard from your mouth. 'Wimp', 'useless', 'dummy', 'creep', 'idiot'... all those things that I've cried in my sleep. All those words that have risen to the surface; all those words that slice to the surface of my heart like a papercut."
I just gave a serious look and she continued on, her voice becoming more hoarse the more words that she tries to say. "Just a papercut, because it hurts me... It heals afterwards, but it leaves scars. That's why I chose to stay with you. Though you know when do words truly cut deeper than knives? It is when I've endured of it so damn much, that in the end, I find out that I am the greater fool for loving you and you didn't really appreciate all of what I've done."
Her last sentence rang in my head louder than my alarm in the morning. I wanted her to repeat it again for confirmation, but I heard it too clear not for me to understand it well. My ears weren't lying to me; she said it the same way as I heard it.
Ira flashed me a weak smile -- still smiling even at the brink of death. She violently coughed afterwards, more blood coming out of it. She really didn't have any plans to heal herself, and worse, she continued to speak her last sentence before closing her eyes.
"I apologize, master. I never meant to hurt you, and I know... I know you feel the same."