Posted on April 11th, 2017 | Edited on September 14th, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.6.1 : T E A C H - M E - H O W . . . |
A car zipped to a stop in front of me, accelerating my heart beat at the unexpected blockage. The window rolled down and I was taken aback at finding Arnav. Before I could decide to scold him for almost running me over, he ordered. "Get in."
I narrowed my eyes at him. He thinks he can order me?
Realizing that was not going to work, he resorted to informing, "Armaan messaged."
I had to scowl at my brother. Apparently, he knew me too well to know I wouldn't have told Arnav myself.
I reached for the handle and got inside. "Drive like a decent human."
He rolled his eyes and pulled out to the main road. Though, he did listen. He didn't make any rash lane changes to overtake people in front of him.
Half hour later, he pulled into a parking spot in front of the building. As I got out, so did he. I knew this routine of his too well. I didn't even bother to stop him for it would only lead to another argument.
Getting into the penthouse, I took off my flats by the entrance and turned on the fan. Leaving him there, I walked into the room Riddhima and I shared to change out of work clothes and into something I deemed comfortable.
When I returned, he was seated on the couch and had taken the liberty to turn on the TV. I walked to the kitchen, pretending he wasn't there. Opening the fridge, I barely found anything I could warm up for dinner. It made sense. While we had done grocery shopping, we had ordered in over the weekend. There was nothing Riddhima had cooked here for there to be leftovers.
Sighing, I opened a cabinet and pulled out a packet of pasta. In a pot, I placed the water on stove to boil. Ofcourse, I still didn't know how to cook but I figured I could manage this simple act of following instructions on the back of the packet. Boil pasta with water. Drain. Add butter, milk, and the packet of readymade sauce that came with the pasta.
Not hard.
While I stood there waiting for the water to boil, I plugged in my earphones and listened to music. I was not about to listen to a boring documentary, or whatever it was that Arnav was watching that sounded utterly boring.
I lifted the pot off the stove when I decided the pasta was done. There was a tap on my shoulder. I sprang back, and my hold on the pot slipped. With the pot, hot water fell on my feet as well.
"Ow, damn." I yelled in instant pain, my foot hobbling about in midair. "What the hell is wrong with you, Raizada?"
He threw back the blame, "It's not my fault your music was so loud you didn't hear me calling you like five times!" and walked to the freezer at once to get ice cubes. Draping them in a handkerchief, he returned and bent on his knees to apply it to my foot. I stepped back. Getting the hint, he passed it to me.
I didn't think twice before sitting on the floor and wincing in the burn as the cold and damp handkerchief from the melting ice touched the skin. He started going through cabinets. "What are you looking for?"
He ignored me. At the last cabinet, he found what he was looking for and filled it with water while dumping the rest of the ice cubes from the tray inside. Dipping his hand in, he sprinkled it on my other foot that wasn't as burned.
The concern on his face took me aback. Without thinking, I asked. "What are you doing?"
"Shut up and sit still," he scolded, taking the handkerchief from my hand and opening it up to drop those ice cubes in the water as well before dipping it in the cold water. He then placed the cloth over my feet. While it burned, there was still some relief. "Where's the first aid?"
His mixed actions were messing with me. Earlier in the day, he lost his temper and now he's showing concern. "How would I know? I've barely been here two days."
He scolded as if I were a child, "Can't you give a straight answer even now?"
I looked away from him trying not to cry at the sharp stinging this burn was leaving behind. He walked away to the washroom and came back seconds later with toothpaste - an old but effective remedy. He sat back down and I mumbled, taking it from him when he was about to squeeze out a portion from the tube on his finger. "I can do it."
Instead, he took the tube back from me. I opened my mouth to object when he warned. "Quiet."
Pulling my feet back, I got up. "I'm fine." It was a lie, but I wasn't going to let him touch me, even if it was only to apply a soothing cream over the burn.
I only managed a couple steps before the pain got unbearable. I held on to the counter for support. He gave in, "Alright, apply it yourself. But for crying out loud, sit down. You are not capable of walking right now."
Relieved, I accepted the paste and sat down again, applying it myself but a bit hesitantly afraid of touching it myself for when touched, it only burned further.
He asked minutes after I had finished applying it, "Better?"
I nodded. "Thank you." For the first time in a very long time, I really meant it.
He exhaled, standing up. "Can you walk?"
I struggled to pull up on my feet. He forwarded his hand and I eyed it as if it were an alien object. I shook my head and reaching for the edge of the counter, I gathered up enough energy to stand up. When I would almost slip, he flinched forward to grab me, but I maintained my balance and he stopped midway.
I took a step forward to walk out of the kitchen but putting pressure on it had me stumble. It hurt too much. My hand reached for the first thing it could out of instinct and found itself in his hand as he held my weight.
It did tremble for a second when it touched his. He had to have felt it and even when I made a move to pull back, he squeezed back holding my hand firmly. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. "Try." He asked and somehow, it was meant to send off a motivating vibe.
Continuing to hold my weight, he nudged me to walk with a limp. They were tiny steps and I struggled to open my eyes, pushing the memories as far to the back of my head as possible. When it started to get too much, I tried to tug my hand out. His hold was stronger as he didn't let me.
He quietly said, "Almost there," and continued to make me walk.
The second we reached the couch, he let go. I focused on the burning sensation on my foot rather than my hand. He put a cushion on the other end and I turned to pull my feet up on the couch and resting it atop the cushion.
"Where are you going?" I asked when he started to leave for the kitchen.
"Someone has to finish cooking dinner." He answered without stopping and I heard the rattling about as he pulled out another packet of pasta and put them to boil.
The whole time he remained in the kitchen, there was only one thought in my head. The way he helped me till this couch, holding my hand even when I had tried to pull back. He was one who didn't let my fears get in the way. He wanted to get me to the couch and he made it happen even when I tried to resist. It's as if he knew my limits better than I knew them myself.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . C H A P T E R - 6.2 : ... T O - L I V E . . . |
I didn't realize it had been fifteen minutes until held the plate in front of me. He held a second plate for himself. When I accepted it, he moved to the other couch and quietly started to eat.
After a few bites and observing him, I placed my spoon in the plate and cleared my throat to get his attention. I couldn't believe I was about to do this. "I have a deal." His long lashes lifted for his eyes to meet mine. "Unlike last time, no negotiations."
He blinked away to his plate, spoon playing around with the food.
I took that as an indicator to continue. "Teach me how to live like you."
He gazed at me again, brows knotted in confusion. "I don't understand."
I elaborated, "Even though I learned to trust others, it's not enough."
He raised a brow, "Sure about that?"
I couldn't help but sharpen my glance. "I'm talking about when it comes to others. Now will you shut up and listen?"
His hand went up in surrender, "Go on."
"I'm tired of always being careful and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in fear, trembling anytime in a crowd when someone remotely pushes me even by accident."
He calmly asked to confirm, "Do you realize what you're asking from me?"
I wasn't naïve. I knew exactly what I was saying. It may be right of him to double check to avoid misunderstandings in comprehension. My voice mimicked his calmness, "Would you like me to spell it out for you? I'm asking you to help me, physically. No more panic attacks. They take over my life and I want my life back."
I had asked Riddhima if I would ever be alright. She had said it was possible with the right person. Now, I was not saying that Arnav was that right person but to give it a try, he was the only one here whom I could think of to ask for this. and, to be honest, I had been thinking about how to fight my fears ever since the incident at the beach in Goa. It had triggered my panic attacks again and I had falsely believed over the years that they weren't an issue any longer. However, learning that was not the case, I had to do something about it once and for all.
He remained silent, continuing to play with his food and I had no idea what could be going through his head when he wasn't looking at me.
I pushed for a direct answer, "Is that a yes or no?"
He asked in a quiet voice as if he was not sure he wanted to know the answer to the question but needed to ask nevertheless, "After everything, you still trust me with this?"
I answered in a heartbeat, "No." His eyes lifted at the blunt answer and I'm not sure if there was hurt in my confirmation. "But I need this. So, do whatever you want to. I won't stop you."
He shook his head, "It's not that simple."
"You told me to decide, Arnav. This is my answer. Help me past this and there won't be a reason to go through with this marriage. You started this. So you end this once and for all. I won't be in your life and you won't be in mine."
He continued to resist, "I won't do that to you."
"Why not?"
He raised his voice a little showing his annoyance when I kept pushing, "Because... I won't!"
I muttered under my breath, "You've had no issues pushing me thus far."
He glared at me, speaking through clenched jaw. "Khushi, holding your hand is one thing and what you're asking is another."
I pushed his buttons, "Fine, then call off this marriage. Whoever my mom chooses next, I'm sure they'll be more than willing. I probably won't even have to ask. He'll just..."
He put his plate down on the table with a force that it made a sound and I flinched at the sudden outburst. Maybe I should have watched my words. What was I saying, just to instigate him?
"What is wrong with you?! Stop being so stubborn!" He stood up to pace back and forth and continued to scold me, "It's not something that'll be achieved in one day. This isn't some child play."
"I know it's not! Do you see another option though?"
He warned facing me, "If you keep this up, I swear, I'll make sure you won't marry anyone else."
I grew frustrated, "What do you want, Arnav? I don't understand you. You say you want me to decide. You give me a choice, and now you won't accept it."
He turned his back to me, running his hand through his hair before he exhaled and walked back to me with a calm demeanor. He kneeled in front of the sofa making sure to not touch me as he spoke in a soothing voice I hadn't heard in a while, "Sweet pea, this fear isn't in your mind. It's a matter of the heart. The only way you grow comfortable is letting someone in. I can't teach you to love someone else; to allow them close to you. I can't do that, okay?"
The plea in his eyes was enough to make me shed a tear and blink up so I wouldn't start sobbing. It was also the fact that he called me sweet pea. It's like whenever he uses that word t call me, I forget all of my anger and agony. It does the work of a soothing ointment over a fresh wound and I want to hate it... but I can't.
I pulled my bottom lip in my mouth to stop it from quivering before gaining enough control over myself to express, "I don't know what else to do. Arnav, this... I'm just... I'm tired of living in fear constantly."
He tried to make me understand, "Even if I listened to you, you would never forgive me later for what it would do to you. I can't live with that again. Don't ask me to, please."
Again? I asked for he kept bringing it up... needing my forgiveness. "Why does it mean so much to you?"
He seemed to struggle for an answer as if I had asked a difficult, loaded question that didn't have a simple answer before settling on a confession, "Our friendship never ended for me as it did for you."
Friendship. What we had, could it even be called that?
I wiped off my dry cheeks, "Then just teach me how to live... how to enjoy the little things in life like I used to... the way you were carefree in college. I am tired of being angry at everyone and everything."
He asked with such vulnerability, "Be friends again?"
I swallowed. I didn't know if that is what I meant but I found myself nodding. It was something I dearly missed. I was very much tired of being at odds with him. Fighting him at each step was exhausting. It took everything out of me and I did not want to keep feeling this way.
I wanted some inner peace.
"And our engagement?"
I pulled my feet down to touch the rug by the sofas. He moved aside to give me space, sitting in the spot I had just cleared. When I stood up, he asked, "Where are you...?"
"Hold on." I said and carefully walked to my room. Back and forth, it took me atleast five minutes as I tried to fight the pain from walking on a burnt foot. The toothpaste was helping but it still sent a wince to my face at each step.
Returning to the sofa, I sat and opened the jewelry bag where I had safe guarded the ring. Turning the bag upside down, I let it drop out on my palm and then forwarded it to him.
He breathed out and took it. His finger slightly grazed the inside of my palm. I didn't react. I was too focused on his face. The way he just stared at the ring as if he had expected me to have thrown it away or something. I admit, I didn't wear it and hated to look at it even when it was a beautiful ring, but I wasn't so ill-mannered that I wouldn't keep it safe-guarded.
I turned my palm around and held out my hand. His brows narrowed for a second as if he had thought I was returning the ring to him.
"You want me to...?" he asked to confirm.
I nodded, "If I can't love someone else, then atleast I can choose to not hate you."
"Why do you hate me?"
The sudden question startled me. Was it not obvious? There were many specific things he had done that I could list out but for sure, he already knew that. He didn't need a reminder. "It's easier than..." I stopped abruptly realizing what I was about to say. "Let's just... start with a clean slate? Make our lives easier. Do this for my parents, like you said."
He sincerely smiled, "Clean slate sounds nice."
I had to admit and returned his smile, "It does..."
He blinked away from me and down at my finger before forwarding his hand and sliding the ring on my finger as best as he could without touching me. When he couldn't get it all the way, he whispered. "Just..."
I helped him out and nudged it in place till it fit. Then, just to tease, I asked. "You couldn't find a smaller stone?"
He chuckled, "Di picked it out." Then his smile sobered as he added, "It was my mother's."
This was perhaps the first time he ever mentioned her to me. He looked up at me and pressed his lips in a thin smile. I smiled back politely before looking away. He did not say anything else and I didn't ask it either.
My eyes lingered back to the ring on my finger. The same ring I had ran from in the last wo years. Riddhima was right - I had ran enough and I could not escape. Perhaps, it was time to do things differently and see how they turn out.
There were so many reasons to do this, not just because of assuring my parents that I was at a happy place in life with a secure future. The biggest reason being Arnav himself. He said he still thought of me as his friend... and I remembered Aaron's claims clearly even if they were years ago. He told me that Arnav cared about me but I just wouldn't accept it.
But now, I did have to admit. I hated him because it was easier to hate him than to care for him. I didn't admit I cared for him back then - afraid of what it would mean. Even after two years, the only reason my hatred came off as this strong was because the feelings and hurt I was trying to conceal was stronger. The only reason his actions hurt so much was because I did let him in my heart. And, as Arnav said... this was a matter of heart. As Riddhima said, I had to listen to what my heart was telling me and not what my mind was overthinking.
And being Arnav's friend? As difficult as he makes it seem, is it really? He said he never stopped thinking of me as a friend so maybe it won't be so hard this time. Years had passed and we had both grown.
So yes, a clean slate sounded a good idea. To start over. My heart told me to give him as many second chances as I would have to because Arnav... he was still hiding a lot of things and struggling with it. I knew how that felt. I was the same and back then, I had needed someone to just be there and patiently wait for me to reveal my secrets and open my heart bit by bit.
Maybe, it's time I did that for him. He had done it for me so many times, hadn't he?
Had it been someone else, I might have plucked them out of my life easily and they would have given up too. Arnav never did though and as such, it was harder to just push him out of my life.
His hold on me was too strong for me to keep fighting it.
There was just something about him that made it impossible for me to not let him affect me.
Perhaps, a clean slate was what we both needed. For me to not judge him too harshly and instead, understand him. For him to trust me and confide in me as I had once confided in him.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |
So you might notice subtle changes in this chapter. Tell me if you love them! Also, let me know if the chapters are good on emotional front? Atleast on Arnav's side - I think I am working more on his character than Khushi's and again, I get that you may find her actions irritable to say the least, but I hope you might also be understanding to her in the sense that when one goes through the trauma that she has, the things you may normally expect from someone (maturity, compassion, understanding, etc) gets thrown out the window. We recognize she does not treat Arnav fairly and she just needs to be given her space to come to that conclusion herself (perhaps she already has - given how I have advanced that through her conversations with Riddhima - but it takes some work on letting it be shown through actions instead of simply recognizing it).
Having said that, surprise POV coming up next!
Happy weekend ahead!