Nanginginig pa ang mga binti ko. Ang buong katawan ko naman ay parang sinindihan ng apoy sa init. It's only been a minute since we stopped from the hot make out session but I'm still feeling the effect of it. Mas malala pa nga dahil hinahanap ko pa rin ito.
I'm not straddling him anymore. Nakaupo na ako sa kama katabi niya, pero hindi ko pa rin magawang tumayo. Hinang-hina ang aking katawan. Pakiramdam ko ay bigla akong babagsak kapag sinubukan kong tumayo.
My lips are still tingling. I bit my bottom lip and brought my eyes to Silas. He's staring at me. His jaw clenched when his eyes dropped to my mouth. Napapikit siya na parang namomroblema.
He gulped and looked at me, his whole face was troubled. "Thinking about the guys who kissed you... Thinking about how I'm not the first frustrates me, Laurene."
My heart clenched. Damn... His words are enough to make me crazy. I bit my lip harder, trying to control my emotions. I shook my head.
"The firsts doesn't matter, Silas." I said, even when I know I don't believe that. I want his firsts, too. Nung prom night ay napatunayan ko iyon. Just the thought of him sharing his firsts with another girl is enough to drive me mad.
"It does to me." he breathed in sharply. He pierced me with his light brown eyes that shouted so many promises. "I wanna be your first and your last."
It's like something warm settled at the center of my chest. My teeth found my lower lip again. I bit it down hard. I didn't avert my eyes from him. I couldn't. He's got me locked with his stares.
I breathed in deeply before nodding slowly. "You will be."
A tender smile covered his lips. His light brown eyes shined brightly, showing his delight. He grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it lightly. My heart swelled. I can't help but smile.
I giggled and quickly stood up. I'm okay now. I'm content with just this. I stood up from my bed and squeezed his hand. "Let's go?"
Bumagsak ang ngiti ni Silas sa mga labi at bahagyang namula ang kanyang mukha. He cleared his throat. "L-Let me calm my... self first."
"Huh?" kumunot ang noo ko, naguguluhan habang nakatingin sa kanya.
He pursed his lips. He's still flushed red. What calm? May problema ba? I searched his face, and then scanned his body. My eyes landed on the obvious bulge forming on his crotch. My eyes widened and my lips parted at the sight.
"Laurene, wag mong titigan." Silas sounded uncomfortable when he said it. My eyes raised back to his face. He's blushing really, really hard now.
"I-I'm sorry pero kasi..." I unconsciously looked at it again.
"Laurene!" suway nito.
It was my turn to blush. I bit my lip and transferred my eyes to Silas's face. "D-Do you want me to do something..."
"What? N-no!" nawala ang pagkapula ni Silas at napalitan ng pagkaputla. Kitang-kita ang panic at kaba sa kanyang mukha.
"Do you wanna mast..."
"Laurene." he cut me off.
Itinampal ko ang libreng kamay ko sa aking bibig. Kung kanina ay gulat ako sa sitwasyon niya pero ngayon ay parang kinikiliti ako at gustong matawa.
Bumalik ang pagkapula sa mukha ni Silas at ipinatong ang mga kamay sa ibabaw ng hita niya para harangan iyon at hindi ko makita.
"Don't laugh at me. Kasalanan mo 'to." he weakly mumbled.
I dropped my hand. I wasn't laughing anymore. I bit my lip, trying to restrain the big smile on my lips. "You're so cute, Silas."
The next morning, it was the same lazy and unexciting routine every Monday. Iba talaga ang bigat ng katawan tuwing Lunes. Palagi na lang may hang up sa weekend. Dagdag pa na wala akong tulog kagabi.
How can I sleep when I kept on thinking about Silas' lips? How can I shut my eyes when everytime I do, I see nothing but the hot kisses we shared. At sa tuwing maalala ko naman ang mangyari matapos ang halikan ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili sa pagtawa.
Then my laugh will fade and I'll think of what he said and did. He stopped us from doing what I wanted to do. Because he thinks it's not the right time yet. I wholeheartedly agree... Habang hinahalikan ko siya ay naisip ko na iyon. But my control wasn't exactly exemplary when it comes to Silas.
If it was some other guy, they would have insisted. But Silas isn't just some other guy. He's different from the past guys I've been with. I shouldn't be even comparing him to them. There's absolutely no comparison. It will always be Silas.
He's too perfect, and I can't help but wonder what he saw in me everytime he gives me his time and attention. Hindi ko talaga alam. Alam kong maganda ako, pero maraming nakapaligid sa kanya na maganda rin. I don't excel at academics at hindi ako active sa school activities katulad ni Francheska. I get jealous easily. I'm stubborn and extremely possessive. I'm not patient. Magaling ako sa kalokohan. I'm a damn good kisser... But is that something to brag about?
I'm the very opposite of him. I'm every bad thing. Kaya bakit ako? Anong meron sa akin?
My heart and ego gets hurt every time I try to list down his strengths and mine. His achievements and mind. Nanliliit ako sa tuwing ginagawa ko iyon. Kasi, ano ba naman ang maipagmamalaki ko?
That I have more experience than an average seventeen year old girl? That I can easily charm someone to make him do my school works? That I can cheat without getting caught? Damn.
I try not to think about all of these. But every time one thought slips out of the hidden black hole of thoughts inside my head, they'll all end up pouring out. My insecurities, my greatest fears, and my everything.
"Laurene." my name being called snapped me out of my thoughts.
Naalis ang tingin ko mula sa pinggan. Hindi ko napansin na pinaglalaruan ko na pala ang pagkain ko. Binitawan ko ang hawak na tinidor at ibinaling ang buong atensyon kay Mommy. She's the one who called me.
"Hadeon's and your birthday is in a few months now. We should start with the planning and preparations." simula ni Mommy. "The plan is that you'll have your debut and the after party will be Hadeon's in a club, right?"
"I'll set us up an appointment with the Glamur Ad's events coordinator head. Or do you want to hire a different company?"
"Si Eula yon, diba? I'm fine with her. She's good." sagot ko at matapos ay tumango.
Natapos ang breakfast na puro iyon ang pinag-uusapan. Hindi pa pumapasok sa isip ko ang tungkol sa eighteenth birthday namin ni Hadeon, pero ngayon na napag-usapan na iyon ay bigla ako nakaramdam ng kaonting excitement.
This year, I'll be celebrating my birthday in the Philippines. Last year, at palagi kasi ay naga-out of the country kaming family. Madalas ay sa France or Euro trip, since that's our summer tradition. Ito ang kauna-unahang birthday ko na makakasama ko si Silas. Wala pang party but he's already invited, and I know he won't miss it for the world. He'll be my escort and eighteenth rose! I can't wait to tell him about it.
I reached the school with a good mood and wide grin. Pinagtitinginan nga ako ng mga nakakasalubong ko dahil sa malaking ngiti ko. I probably look stupid, grinning this hard.
Sa room ang deretso ko. Kapag pinuntahan ko si Silas ngayon ay mabibitin lang ako sa pagkwento dahil malapit na ang flag ceremony. I'll just wait for our break!
Nang makarating sa room ay nasa akin lahat ang mga mata ng lahat. I ignored all of it. Ganoon din ang tingin sa akin ng mga tao sa labas kaya sanay na ako. Lumapit ako sa pwesto ko. Des and Pia were already there. Their eyes were on me as I approached.
"Hey!" I cheerfully greeted.
Hindi nila ako binati o nginitian pabalik. Des looked problematic while Pia's pale white. Kumunot ang noo ko sa ipinapakita nila sa aking reaksyon.
"Is there a problem?" I asked as I brought down my bag on my chair.
"Laurene kasi..." Pia started. Napatingin ako sa kanya. She looked like she's about to cry.
"Pia." Des cut her off. My eyes transferred to her.
"What's wrong, Des?" I asked again.
Kinagat ni Des ang labi niya. Mukha siyang nahihirapan ngayon habang nakatingin sa akin. Mariin siya pumikit at matapos ay huminga nang malalim na parang kumuha ng lakas ng loob. "May kumakalat kasing balita tungkol kay Silas ngayon... At paniguradong alam na ng lahat ang tungkol dito."
Bigla akong tinaaman ng panlalamig matinding kaba. Balita tungkol kay Silas? Alam na ng lahat at ako hindi? What the hell is that?
"Anong balita?" tanong ko. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko habang hinihintay ang magiging sagot at ang pagtuloy niya sa kwento.
"May p-pinakalat si Rachel tungkol sa prom night. Lahat na ng tao alam... Buong campus. Iyon ang usap-usapan."sabi ni Des. Ipinikit niya ang kanyang mga mata. "The night at the prom, she said that Silas kissed-"
The words Rachel, Silas, and kissing rang in my mind. My heart beat dramatically sped up, my body heat increasing as my mood shifted into anger. The next thing I know, I can't see anything but bloody red.
Hindi ko na tinapos pa ang sasabihin ni Des. Tumalikod ako at nagmamadaling lumabas ng room. The sound of my name being called was a mere muffled voice in my ears. Mabibilis ang bawat hininga ko habang naglalakad patungo sa isang direksyon.
Right now, I have one goal and one direction in mind. Wala akong ibang maisip kundi ang kung gaano ko kagusto makita si Rachel para saktan. Fuck that bitch!
Sumugod ako sa bahagi ng building kung saan nakahilera ang mga rooms ng Seniors. This is their territory, but with the violent emotion stirring inside my chest? I don't give a single fuck. The students parted like the red sea as I made my way.
Nagawa kong buksan nang malakas ang pinto ng room kung saan alam kong kabilang si Rachel. And there, I saw her at the farthest corner of the room. She's sittng on a chair like a plastic bitch, with her friends.
Natigil ang pagtatawanan nila nang marinig ang galabog ng pinto. Lahat sila ay tumingin sa gawi ko. May bahid ng gulat sa mukha nila nang makita ako. Ikinuyom ko ang panga ko at itinuloy ang paglakad. I marched towards Rachel, never averting my murderous gaze from her.
May ngisi sa mukha niya nang makitang palapit ako sa kanya. She knows I came for her and she's proud of it. Nakuha niya pang tumayo sa akin biglang pagsalubong.
As soon as she was within reach, I lifted my arm and swung it swiftly for a hard slap across the bitch's cheek. Kasabay ng pagtunog ng sampal ko sa kanya ay ang pagsinghap ng mga kaibigan niya sa paligid namin.
"You bitch!" Rachel shrieked when she recovered from my slap.
Nakita ko ang pag-angat ng braso niya para bawian ako ngunit nasalag ko agad iyon at muli siyang sinampal. Hindi ako nakuntento. I eyed her long flowing hair and immediately knew what to do. I gripped on it with both hands and pulled it hard. It made her gasp in pain.
Hinawakan ni Rachel ang kamay kong nakahawak sa buhok niya, ang isa naman ay nagawang humawak sa ulo ko para sumabunot. Her grip stung, but I welcomed the ache. Okay lang sa akin ang masaktan, basta mas masaktan ko siya.
"Let me go!" she screamed as she tugged on my hair. Sinubukan niyang umatras pero hinila ko lang siya pabalik kaya mas lalo siyang nasaktan. Tumama pa ang binti niya sa may katabing upuan. The chair even fell on the floor because of how hard Rachel crashed on it.
May mga pumipigil sa amin ngunit hindi nila kami magawang paghiwalayin. Umingay na ang buong room. Sigurado akong pinalibutan na kami ng mga estudyanteng nandito, pero wala akong paki. I just wanna inflict pain. That's all.
Rachel stopped trying to remove my hands from her hair. She caught my arm and dug her nails on it, clawing me. I hardly felt the pain because of the adrenaline inside me. Inalis ko ang isa kong kamay sa buhok niya at nagawa ko siyang sampalin sa mukha ng ilang beses. Malakas iyon kaya lumalagutok ang bawat pagpalo ko.
"Ah! Shit!" she winced. I reached for the hand that was gripping on my air and clawed her like what she did to me. Nagawa kong makuha ang isang daliri niya at pinilit na pinilipit iyon para mabitawan niya ako. I was successful.
I forcefully removed her hand from my arm and pushed her hard, making her fall on her bottom. Umiyak siya sa lakas ng pagkakabagsak niya sa sahig.
"You dare spread rumors about Silas! Ang kapal ng mukha mong magsinungaling!" galit na galit na sigaw ko. Sinubukan kong sumugod sa kanya ngunit may pumigil sa akin.
"Those weren't lies! It's true that Silas kissed y-" those words were my trigger. I was like a grenade that was thrown and about to explode.
Nagawa kong itulak ang mga pumipigil sa akin sa pagsugod at muling nilapitan si Rachel na nakaupo sa sahig. Hinablot ko ang buhok niya at hinila-hila iyon nang pabalik-balik. Siya naman ay kumapit sa binti ko at kinalmot iyon nang madiin.
"Shit, huy! Pigilan niyo!" sigaw ng kung sino.
Naramdaman ko ang muling paghawak sa akin ng kung sino man. "Bitawan niyo ako! Let me fucking go!"
"Silas didn't kiss anyone, you desperate lying ass bitch! He was with me the whole night! Sinungaling kang malandi ka!" I ferociously exclaimed, pointing at her.
"Oh, kasama ka niya nung pumunta siya ng restroom?" hamon ni Rachel, nang-aasar ang tono ng boses niya. At fuck, naasar ako!
Hindi ako makasagot sa sinabi niya. I wasn't with Silas. Iyon lang ang gabi ng prom na hindi kami magkasama. At nang bumalik siya... He looked extremely pissed and bothered. Did it really happen? Kung totoo man, bakit hindi niya sinabi?
Nang-iinis ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin at may malaking ngiti sa labi na parang tuwang-tuwa. "Hindi, diba?"
"Ano ngayon kung hindi ako kasama?" I hissed at her. "Silas would never kiss you!"
Rachel paused. She looked genuinely confused at first, but it was only a few seconds after when she began to laugh heartily. "Kiss me?"
Napatitig lang ako sa kanya. Why is she laughing? Is there something funny? I clenched my fists.
"Darling, Silas didn't kiss me. Hindi ko rin siya hinalikan." she chuckled. "I am a slut, whore, flirt, bitch, or whatever name you want to call me. But I'm not a damn snake. I won't stoop so low and steal a friend's lover."
Hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita. Tinitigan ko lang siya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin. My brain wasn't functioning properly. I couldn't process anything that she's saying. If she's not the one...
"Your friend's the one who kissed him, Laurene." lumampas ang tingin niya sa akin. May ngisi na gumuhit sa mga labi niya. Nakakapangilabot na ngisi. Bumalik ang mga mata niya sa mukha ko. "Why don't you ask her?"
"Laurene..." a frail voice called my name.
I sharply sucked in some air at the sound of the voice.My chest tightened. I... I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I couldn't explain. Everything is too messed up.
I slowly turned my body and saw Pia's grief stricken face. Tears were profusely streaming down her face. Guilt can be seen in her eyes. She looked broken and terrified at the same time.
"I-I'm sorry." she cried.