Hey guys, it's a me MARIO- Jks Jks it's just Author-Nim ^-^'
Warning includes: thoughts about suiciding, death and a bunch of slice of life about me so you can skip if you're not interested, it's not an update after all...
You know how one time I said that I wanted to die so many times before but couldn't do it because I was scared of the pain of hurting myself. ((Referring to the Author Note at the bottom of the chapter: A Dream isn't a dream when it's a Nightmare or something like that))
Well it has gone worse...
I've been crying and became more emotional about it once a week, I've been unusually more softer, fragile, weak... Pathetic... Just plain pathetic...
I kept having even more suicidal thoughts... I had thoughts of how I wanted to die, what would happen after I had died, who would cry over my death and wondered if everything would be better without me... Which sadly, I thought it was better for everyone.
I don't know if this is depression or just me being totally insanely irrational!
It's just I want to stop living this life, I made too many mistakes that I can't rewind and I hate how I lived my life... I just hate myself so bad... If I were to meet myself, I would've hated her... She's idiotic, foolish, desperate and pathetic...
There was this one time in sports class, we were doing hurdles and crap. But as a stout shorty I am, it was clearly impossible for me to hop over but I dunno why but I had naively thought I could've jumped over it or at least jump anyways. When I first ran over there and attempt jumping over my first hurdle, I lost my timing and failed to jump. I laughed it off but as soon as I jumped back in line, I jumped into one of my friend's arms. She had thought I was being overly dramatic and pretended to cry since that's what I would've done but to her surprise I bursted into tears.
I remember saying over and over, "I can't do it... I can't do it..." I never felt so vulnerable, shameful and pathetic—crying within school grounds, stupidly crying over something so trivial. I tried to smile through my tears, hoping I could stop those stupid tears but they kept falling and falling. Many of my friends from that sports class comforted me while patted my back and hugging me. Then I had noticed my teacher putting out smaller hurdles, I hated it... I never felt so pathetic in my entire life I felt that I must've been so low that I would need a disable. It had hurt my pride so bad and made me cry so much. "I'm so pathetic," I had said.
She was a great friend, she comforted me and cooed me saying positive things like, "You can do it." "You'll do great" "You're not pathetic" "You have nothing to be ashamed about."
Thanks to her, she helped me calm down. And don't worry, I was able to jump the hurdles... Well I knocked them all down but at least I had tried. After the lesson my teacher was concerned about me and thought there was a different reason on why I had cried, I just jokingly said that it was a random outburst of emotion, PUBERTY. We laughed it off but she was right, I cried because of my stupid pathetic-ness.
I get it, my extreme low self-esteem is really bad. My friends tell me a bunch of compliments but I just don't see it.... Or maybe they don't see how flawed I am...
If my friends knew who I really was... They wouldn't have wanted to be closer to me. They would feel awkward around me, pity for me and no moment later would distance themselves from me...
But hey I'm used to it... I've felt this social pain before, of being isolated or being rejected by your only friends that I have naively thought were my friends... Just because I was boring...
As years go by I grew stronger as I had grown more independent and didn't like to be dependant as I didn't want to be a burden and not to be a reason for them to leave me. I created this facade of being happy, smile and say that my life is normal so that no one needed to concern themselves with me... As I have said, no one really wants to know a person that deeply—especially if it was me...
I act like an open book, I act boldly as if I have nothing to hide. I always felt like I was a real person—I hated being fake and never was fake... Maybe these were just words to me....
I have this friend... Let's call her Broccoli, she was one of my friends who had ditched me for another friend who was more fun to be with in elementary school. I had thought we were best friends. I felt so rejected, useless and trashed. Yet I never hated her... Ever, never till this day...
She didn't totally ditched me, I was just a third-wheeler and she basically ignored me. I didn't cry about it, I just plainly stuck by her like a fool.
Oh but don't worry we are great friends now. She considers us to be best friends but I beg to differ since she has other friends that are much closer and are better care of her. Plus I don't think we can ever be close—or anyone in fact .((broccoli if you ever read this which is probs unlikely... You're still my friend got it?!)) I wished we were closer, we talk to each other sometimes to talk about our problems and such like therapy. I really felt special for once that she relies and trusts me to listen to such problems. Despite the pain she kinda caused me (she wasn't the only one) in the past, she is special to me now. I yearn for her attention and to be closer to her but like I had said... I can't ever be close with anyone...
My friends make me happy and gives me a somewhat reason to live... Yet my heart breaks to see my friends be happy (so much happier) without me (this is why I don't like looking through Instagram) and exclude me as if I wasn't there, then I feel all of that social pain I had felt from elementary school and ARGHH-that's why I'm not as active as I was before on my bts fan account in Instagram (it's in my bio if you wanna follow me).
You must be thinking... Family is always there for you and can always support you-—lol NAHP... Have you been reading toilet paper? Y/N in this story has a somewhat distant, bad relationship with her family and so do I. Even though our family is huge, I still feel lonely.
I have a language barriers with my mum so it's hard to communicate with her comfortably, plus she scares me a lot and she stupidly doesn't know why... She becomes scary when she's mad, she shouts and screams when it doesn't go her way... She hits us with anything when we disobey and all I do is suck it up and cry and cry another time. And the next moment she is confused on why I'm terrified and shy around her, that's why I don't like asking for any wants, worried if she rejects and shouts at me if she thinks wanting is a bad thing. She doesn't do it now days... But I can't help but to not want anymore...
My dad was always out working and barely at home, it took me a long time to realise that he's a total airhead... And how he is like a stupid, immature kid in a man's body. He's a terrible parent, he influenced my youngest brother with bad things such as M, M+ rated stuff (movies and videos) and my dad finds it all funny and doesn't realise the consequences that my youngest brother would mimic such violent things..,
He never cared about me... He acts like he knows me yet he doesn't even know when my birthday is...
Every time there was a situation or argument going on in the house, my dad would just jump into a conclusion without knowing what had happened. For example, one time I was punched and bashed up by my little brother (not my youngest one), I didn't fight back for once since it was during the time I was kinda deep in my suicidal thoughts. My dad had blamed my brother for hitting me, but he didn't know that the reason he had hit me was because I didn't fulfil my simple promise to my little bro of returning his money once I played with his game for a bit—so it was my fault since the punching wouldn't have happened if I had simply just returned his money.
I'm not going to talk about the rest of my family which are my siblings since they aren't the reason I feel this way (not that I'm blaming my parents or anything... Maybe...).
... Our family is dysfunctional but my parents chooses to be blind... We're all a bunch of crazy kids and stuff and we all have our crazy problems that we ignorantly choose to ignore. However my family doesn't know such thing since I also put up a simple facade. Not being too happy all the time, just a mask to show that I'm stable and ok.
Recently I was studying hardcore for this test and was sleep deprived for 2 nights and barely survived week 1 of school. I too me mum to tell my tutor that I wouldn't be attending since I was so tired (like come on I only had 2.5 hours total in those 2 nights!). Then my tutor wanted to see me, he talked about don't stress too much about school and just balance out your life and spread out your studying everyday than leaving it to the last minute. And jokes on how that I shouldn't try to die (little did he know that I wished to die). But I already knew all that, I wasn't stupid and totally had not thought about how to solve all of those problems like come on school non-stop tells us about that all the time but I just can't shift myself to that kind of lifestyle, it's just not who I was nor am.
My tutor told me to go home and stuff yet my mum says "can't you just attend this lesson and learn?" Do you know how much I wanted to flip a table and scream at her face saying, "I FUCKING NEED TO SLEEP, MY BRAIN CANT ABSORB SHIT YOURE ONLY WASTING YOUR MONEY!!!!" She didn't care... She didn't understand me... I never felt so crushed and broken in my entire life. Maybe because it was my health but I felt it....
Also on the way of going to tutor, I was silently crying in the car because I had even argued to her about how I shouldn't be attending this lesson. Also talking with my tutor was hard since I was trying to hold in my tears. Then I cried on the way back home... It was tough...
If I died, maybe my parents may cry (maybe not my dad though). My siblings may cry over my death. But I think my mum's true, deep thoughts would be like why did she stupidly do that? She had high grades and she could've made a lot of money, why would she throw it all away?
My dad probs shrug it off and think my death was stupid and irrational.
It's obvious that they don't want me dead so early, or just that they had never thought that I would ever think such a thing.
If they loved me, maybe they should let me go...
You guys may say, but Author-Nim despite all that you were all ok in the end, it's not worth to end your life so soon! >.<
And yeh... Maybe you're right... I don't know why I'm writing this to you guys, I feel so comfortable telling my thoughts to you guys. You guys show me real support and love for my books and I appreciate it a lot. Or maybe that you people can't see me and don't know me...
As I'm writing this, as I recalled all these terrible memories. I had realised that I had found a happy ending in all of them (somewhat). But it's not about the endings... It was what had happened.
Don't you ever play those games like The Walking Dead, Wolf Among Us (why am I saying just Telltale games?!) or those type of games when your choice really matters in the end?
And when you make a 'bad' choice, you would want to start again and hope that the checkpoint wasn't too far. My life is like that, I made bad choices and wish to start again but I only had one life.... One life that I'm willing to give up for to not see the outcome of these terrible actions... And I feel sick to continue living with so many regrets weighing on my shoulders.
I wish to believe it's a phase too but I'm not blind either... I feel that if this continues I may need to see a real doctor maybe and get some check ups to see if I'm still sane. But I feel like a crazy person... People will know about it and think I'm a crazy, out of control, emo, depressed freak. I always thought I was just a plain, boring person—ordinary. I think I rather trade this crazy, insane person to be back to normal...
I know this is all too scary...
.... I can't find my way out of this lonely labyrinth....
... As much as I want to be closer to others... My social skills are a mess...
....I can't see the light in the darkness that everyone tends to say... I can't see a happy future for me as I still have no dream and timing is flying by so fast...
.... Therefore...
.... I really don't know what's there to live for...
... Well umm anyways... I'm trying to update every book as I can but I'm struggling with the deep, emotional bits so I'm sorry if I'm taking too long... Have a great day and hope the sun shines brighter for you <3 love from Author-Nim...
((But damn this is such good fanfic material... Now you guys know why I write interesting, weirdly concepted books))