Posted on March 29th, 2017 | Edited on August 20th, 2018
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.3.1 : H I S - C H A N C E . . . |
That faint memory I could not forget no matter how many times I had desperately tried to erase from my memory, but it had been permanently imprinted in some long-term portion of my brain. I forced a gulp down my throat wondering if he remembered... if any of it was important to him the way it used to be for me... the way it might still be given I still remembered.
Just as I was about to sit, he announced in a warning, "I'm not in the mood to fight."
He assumed that because I was here, it would eventually lead to an argument. It had been two years and still, since the night he'd carried me to his car and the rumors that had started, all we did was have every single of our interactions end in an argument.
I could see why he would make that deduction.
I stretched my legs out in front of me and leaned my weight back on my hands. "Good. Neither am I. So, just sit there and be quiet."
Why were we so destructive and hostile for each other? It's like we are incompatible on a cosmic level. Harmful for the other's health.
He let out a scoff for even though I was calling truce for one moment, I did it in an ordering tone. He inhaled deeply and released it slowly while turning his head away from me.
Though I couldn't see his face, I heard a sniff. I couldn't help myself from the thought going in this direction. "Are you crying?"
"No." He denied right away.
Right. Why would he cry? Khushi, you're stupid for asking that. I scolded myself. He was better at making people cry instead.
This truce between us... I hadn't felt this peace in a long time. It made me want to hold on to it. So, I made a comment. "You're drunk."
Again, he muttered as if he wasn't interested in talking. "So, what do you care?"
I tried to not be hurt by his attitude. Maybe he was a little bit drunk. I didn't know if he had any drinks before we had made it to the club. I would have stopped having enough respect left for my dignity but damn you, Armaan. As it had been back at the club, the promise I had made to him continued to nag.
It forced me to give in. Well... maybe 'forced' would not be the correct word for this. No one was holding a gun to my face. Somewhere, I did want to talk to him, relive those college days when we got along.
And... the best way we knew to get along was through games.
So, I asked, "Truth or dare?"
It was one thing I could think of with the guarantee that he would answer my questions. After all, it's what Armaan made me promise, right? To give him a chance to explain himself. So... here was his chance.
"Your earlier 'be quiet' applies to you too." He admonished turning ahead to look at the waves.
I refused to get carried away in hostility so easily this time and ruin this moment as well... because even if everything else between us was tainted, our memories at the beach were not and nor did I want it to.
I sat up folding my legs and turning slightly in his direction. "I'll start. You kissed Amanda."
His head snapped to me. After two seconds, he answered. "One, do you ever listen? And two, that's not a question."
I rephrased for the sake of it since he was getting technical, "Fine, did you kiss her knowing I would see it?"
Under the moonlight, I could see his gaze searching my eyes for something. What, I couldn't begin to guess. Then, he turned towards the view ahead once again, reluctant. "It's two years too late to be having this conversation."
I countered, "It's never too late."
He argued, "Why do you think I'll answer any of your questions?"
"Because you owe me."
We said neither was in a mood to fight but I could see where this was leading. If he had just answered my question with the same composure that I was asking them!
"I owe you?" he challenged believing otherwise.
"Yes, you do. After what you did to my dad, you owe me atleast that."
He didn't retort instantaneously. It's as if the mention of my dad caused him to take a moment and reconsider.
When he got quiet, I returned to my quiet voice to drop any hint of anger. "Arnav, please, I am tired of hating you."
He murmurs back so quietly that I wouldn't have heard him were we not sitting next to each other in the silence of an empty beach. "I'm tired too."
I asked merely to ensure I was hearing it right. "What?"
He let out a sigh and whispered, "Then don't hate me." Then, he looked at me. Really looked at me. "I don't want you to hate me either."
I tried to hold on to my heart. I thought he meant he hated me too, that he was tired of hating me too... but no. He did just mean that he was tired too, in general.
Did he care if I hated him or not? Did it make some difference to him what I thought of him? Is that it? But... he'd told me this himself. He didn't care what other people thought of him. He didn't care of the perception he left behind. Why would he care about my thoughts then?
"I am sorry, Khushi. I didn't tell your dad to spite you. I didn't know this would happen to him. I just... I just wanted him to know; to understand what he was doing to you."
The sincerity in his voice takes me aback. He wanted me so desperately to believe this. He hadn't said anything in this tone to me in the longest. It was this tone of his that could always steal away all of my anger, all of my hurt and leave me with just the sound of my heart beating at a crazy pace.
This side of his is what would capture me in a trance.
I couldn't even remember when the last time was when he was this honest with me... explaining. Maybe he did try... but I never listened?
It is just easier to hate him... though I just said I was tired of hating him. I suppose... I was tired of holding hate for him when deep down, I did not want to.
"I'm sorry you're hurting because of me. I never wanted that."
I didn't know what to say... how to respond. In my time of knowing him, he never admitted to his mistakes... let alone apologize for it. If he held a belief, he stuck by it and defended it with everything he had no matter the opposing person or argument, no matter how convincing. He never held himself accountable to answer to someone else for his actions and now... he was giving this to me.
I surprised myself with the words that came out of my mouth, "Call off this marriage."
He was quiet, but only for a moment. When he spoke, his clipped tone marked its presence once again. "I can't do that."
"Why? You already bought his business. You have everything."
"It was never about his business."
"Then what?!" I exclaimed as frustration over his cryptic words won over my attempt to stay calm.
He shook his head as if in disappointment and stood up. "If you still don't get it, there's no point."
Quickly getting up myself, I asked. "Then explain it to me."
He turned to face me as he informed, "We signed a deal. I buy the business and in return, he won't marry you to anyone else."
"This is silly. Do you really think this is going to work between us?"
"Maybe it won't work," he agreed while giving me something to think about, "but isn't it still better than you marrying some other stranger? Because face it, you will be expected to eventually marry."
"Okay, so? What's the big deal?"
He took a step towards me that had my heart leap in its cage. "Do you really want me to answer that?"
I argued to hold on to my dignity in front of him. "I'm fine."
"Let's test it." Before I had a moment to blink or let his words sink in, he reached for my hand.
My eyes widened as his warm touch burned my skin. I stepped back sharply and jerked my hand out of his. He easily released it too, having proven his point.
He concluded in what sounded like a defeated tone, "With me... atleast you know me."
Swallowing the lingering touch, I pointed out, still wanting him to call this off even when he was making valid points. "Then you know I am not the girl for you. I can't..." I didn't want to say give you what you want least he get offended and retraced, "Arnav, the way you live your life, I..."
He seemed to be on the same page, sparing me the trouble of finding a way to put this in proper terms. "There's no one for me, Khushi. So, don't worry about that or me... least I start thinking you care about me."
I couldn't help but glare at him for his later statement. We were having a decent conversation here and he had to add in a mock.
He exhaled in response as if realizing the later part was uncalled for. "Just... do this. If not for yourself, then for your parents. Let them think you're okay. Don't let them be miserable thinking they couldn't keep their daughter safe from this world... or even notice what was going on with you."
He did hit a nerve with that. Earlier when it had happened, I couldn't help but be mad at my parents and hold a grudge... how could they not see that something was wrong with their child? That she was suffering through something drastic? That they labeled it teenage mishaps and didn't bother to pay any attention.
I had grown out of that anger over the years but now I did know... it had been the shock and guilt that had left my dad bed-ridden and though mom kept pressing this marriage, it was her way to ensure I would live a happy future. It was her way of securing my future, thinking another guy might not accept me if he knew I was assaulted.
"Let me know whatever you decide," he said in a concluding tone and walked around me to leave.
I stood there on the beach unable to reach a decision. Marry Arnav for the sake of my parents? Could I do that? Spend the rest of my life with him knowing how estranged we are right now?
It was not a decision I could make within a moment.
We didn't have any future that I could see right now. But... all the things he had said. If not him, someone else would come along and could I allow that? I was still not comfortable with any physical interaction that didn't come from people I had known for years.
He was right about one thing that, perhaps, mattered the most. Atleast with him, he knew. Atleast him, I knew. I knew what he was capable of and he knew my limits.
Could I... could I trust him once more as Armaan asked? Could I trust him to keep his words this time?
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . C H A P T E R - 2.3.2 : C A L L I N G - J U D G E M E N T . . . |
"Is love important?"
The next day, I couldn't help myself from seeking help from Riddhima when it was just the two of us and everyone else was walking the trail in front of us.
Instead of asking what I was talking about, she asked. "In what context?"
I didn't know yet exactly what I wanted to ask her. All I knew was that I needed help in deciding. "Just, in life, I guess."
She questioned, "Is this about you and Arnav?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
Hooking her arm with mines, she answered. "Yes, it's important - in any relationship. Any bond. Friendship. Family. A significant other."
"But there are so many arranged marriages where there is no love."
"Maybe not at first," she agreed while elaborating, "Maybe, at first, you just have to get to know one another. Trust each other. Respect each other. Then, love could follow. Is this about what Armaan said yesterday? Arnav earning your trust again?"
My mind was all over the place and so I could not give her a clear answer, "Yes. No. I don't know. I'm just thinking... do you think I'll ever be okay?"
"Physically?"
I nodded.
"With the right person, why not?"
"Do you agree with Armaan? Do you trust him too?" I wanted to know what Riddhima thought of Arnav. Her opinion mattered to me just as much as Armaan's.
"I agree that everyone deserves another chance. As for trust... it was never easy to understand Arnav but if you ask me, he doesn't hurt someone intentionally unless that person did something to deserve it. Now, he may not do it the right way but I do think he tries to do the right thing. That should count for something, should it not?"
I don't think I can make an argument here. There are many sides to Arnav that even I did not understand despite spending more personal time with him than Riddhima. And then, Arnav's words yesterday... he tried to do a good thing by keeping me from getting married, and I believe him... he didn't hurt my dad intentionally. I don't forgive him for it, but I think I do understand if I try to think about this keeping my anger aside.
"How can it ever work if I can't forgive him? I don't think I can forgive him for all the wrongs he's done."
She hooked her arm with mine as we continued navigating the trail. She was eerily silent and I waited for her to tell me what she was thinking about. Then, she let out a sigh and did answer. "I know you think you can't forgive him, Khushi, but that was two years ago. You don't know anything of how his life could have been in these two years. I mean, just look at me. I didn't think I could ever forgive Armaan but he worked on his mistakes, didn't he? I did forgive him and we are moving past it. If you just try, so can you."
I explained, "Yeah, but that's the difference between us, see? You and Armaan have a lifetime worth of history and Armaan tried. He wanted to fix things. But, Arnav... he doesn't say anything. He just never tries."
She tugged at my hand to stop me and challenged, "Really, Khushi? He never tried? No, you never gave him the benefit of the doubt. You have always jumped to calling judgement and putting him at fault without any evidence. Without ever hearing his side. I'll agree that he may not be the most forthcoming person out there, but that day of your engagement, he did try to talk to you. You cut off all contact. Now, I understand you were hurting because of your dad, but Khushi, you are not entirely a saint either. Things don't go downhill just because of one person. You have played your fair share in this destruction too. You can't put all the blame on him for how messed up things between you two are."
I sent her a hard glare for making me out to be the one at fault when it was Arnav... but deep down, I know I was sending her a glare because these were not things I wanted to hear and being my best friend, she is obligated to take my side even if I am on the wrong.
She chuckled, least affected. "Khushi, you don't keep me as your best friend to agree with everything you do. You keep me around so I'll tell you the harsh reality when no one else has the guts to. I love you, but you need to stop running now. Because you can keep running if you want to, but you can't escape it any longer, and if you are going to be honest to yourself for a second, even you know that you are tired of running away."
I challenged, "Could you have really expected me to act any differently then? We almost lost dad because of him. He went against all my wishes and told them everything I worked hard on keeping from them. He was wrong to do that."
"Maybe, yes. But don't you see, Khushi? You say he broke his promises to you but if you think about it, he did try to keep one by trying to make sure you wouldn't be forced into something you would never have been okay with. He did not just stand by and let it happen. Else, imagine how different your life would be today if not for that. Would you have wanted that?"
The thought itself gave me the chill. "No," I grumbled an answer while being made to reflect my actions in the mirror. Then, as a thought clicked, I looked at her in confusion. "Wait, I never told you about his promise."
She looked caught aback, "Oh, um... Armaan told me."
"You're lying. I never told him either." Before she could make another excuse, I accused with a gasp, "You met Arnav in these two years behind my back!"
She didn't deny it then and instead defended herself, "What if I did? I am allowed to meet whoever I want. You broke off all contact with him, Khushi. It did not mean I had to too."
"Traitor," I mumbled even though I knew she was right. Even if I was her best friend, I could not dictate who her other friends were in her life. That was never the sort of friendship we had shared.
Ignoring it, she asked, "Once you had calmed down, why didn't you reach out to him to find out his reasons? He said he was doing it to save you, yes? Maybe there was something there. But you didn't. You let two years go by between you."
"Why does it feel like you are more on his side than mine?"
I could see her trying to hold on to her patience as she explained, "Gosh, Khushi! There are no sides here. I am not supporting him and neither am I against you. I care for both of you and I would really just like for the both of you to get through this and talk to each other. Is that too much to ask for? To put aside your resentment or whatever other feelings and just be honest with each other."
"He could have tried again."
She shook her head, "No, don't you see, Khushi? Why must he be the one to always try to get through to you? I've seen you give him crap all the time, but he was still always there. So, tell, me, why does everyone expect him to be the one to keep trying? Especially when you told him you didn't want anything to do with him till you were done with college? Why do you want him to fight for you when you never did? And do you know what the sad thing is? You weren't just punishing him for what he did. You were punishing yourself too."
As much as I wanted to not acknowledge this, it was a fact I had admitted once long ago. Despite everything I threw his way in college, he'd been resilient. He kept coming back. But the only time he didn't was when I asked him to... but I suppose that was also the time when I needed him the most.
I tried to swallow my hurt interlaced with the anger.
Riddhima put her arm around me to momentarily comfort me. I did not need to say it for her to understand I needed that after this heavy conversation. After this pinpointing of my wrong actions as well.
"Do you think I should marry him?" There. The question directly that I needed an answer to.
She doesn't give me the answer I hope for though, "That, only you can decide, Khushi."
"But I can't!" I exclaim in annoyance at my mind pulling me in different directions, "It's why I'm asking you!"
She shakes her head in an admonishment. "Then I suggest you stop thinking with your head and feel with your heart. Ask what you really want. Listen to it tell you what is important to you. If he is all the wrong in a single right, then be all the rights in his single wrong."
I grumbled, "That makes no sense."
What does that even mean? I wanted to ask, but I remained silent to let the words loop in my brain. Everything I always felt for him kept feeling wrong and yet there was something so right about it. Everything she was hinting it, I wasn't able to grasp in the moment. Her words were too philosophical for me to read into. I needed a straight answer; that's it.
She said in utmost sympathies, "I can't help you, Khushi. It has to be your choice."
"What good of a friend are you then?" I attempted to insult her, but she laughed. She didn't get insulted easily. This is what you get when you have been friends with someone for as long as you can remember. They are not afraid to call you out on your shit and neither are they ever insulted by such comments because they know you don't mean it even the slightest.
Rolling my eyes, annoyed that I was nowhere close to making a decision than I was before this conversation, I walked off ahead - having tons of my own mistakes to ponder over.
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
"Ugh!" I hit my arm once again. I was really trying to hit the mosquitoes.
This was the one reason I disliked nature. All magic comes with a price, they say. Okay, maybe only Rumpelstiltskin says that. And don't judge, Once Upon A Time is a great show. In this case, nature was magic and bugs and insects were the price I was paying.
Riddhima laughed, "Serves you right."
I mocked a laugh before stomping off to walk in the opposite direction.
Armaan warned, "Doll, that side is a bit slippery."
"Sure bro," I said not believing him, "I think I can handle it." What was he? An expert on soil? I don't know what they are called, but I bet Arnav would.
Ugh, I scolded myself. Stop thinking of him. But, it was impossible not to when I've been spending the entire day trying to reach a decision. Trying to decide what I wanted. Trying to understand where life was leading me.
I heard dry leaves crumbling behind me and assumed it to be Armaan. "I told you, Amy. I can handle it. Quit following me." When I continued hearing footsteps, I closed my eyes, inhaled to consume my irritation, and reopened them. "Bro, really. I just want to be alone right now."
I took another step and my foot hit a rock I hadn't noticed, resulting in a fall. Or, what would have been a nasty fall had he not grabbed my hand. I hadn't looked back to see who it was but it wasn't Armaan. He would have just let me fall and then laughed so he could pull another I told you.
Arnav said, "Sorry to break it to you," while my head snapped to his in surprise at his voice, "but I agree with your brother on this one." He pulled me up gently and towards him as a result. "I don't think you can handle yourself."
I squinted at him, "You know what I think?" When he looked confused, I answered via stomping on his foot and pulling my hand out of his. "I think you don't value your life."
He muffled a yelp before it would leave his mouth and glared at me.
I shrugged my shoulders, unaffected. "What? How many times must I have told you before to not touch me?"
I started walking away, carefully this time and keeping my eyes on the floor to navigate around the tree roots which had carelessly spread above ground in every which direction, stones and puddles of water and slippery land making it one heck of a trek. At the buzz of bugs again, I flailed my hands in front of my face waving them off before I was once again hitting my arm.
He chided coming up behind me, "For goodness sake, stop hitting yourself."
Before I could have said anything to retort that I wasn't doing it on purpose, he put his jacket over my shoulder. For that second, I froze. Touched by this gesture and somewhere not knowing how to react.
This was the Arnav I knew from the times we got along.
Maybe... maybe he never left. Maybe I had turned a blind eye to it and Riddhima was right. Not everything that was wrong with my life was his fault.
When I looked up at him, he looked away and started to walk ahead as if he didn't want me to focus too much on his actions. So, I figured I'd play along as well.
"I'm not that crazy." I mumbled though grateful and put my hands through the sleeves. Least, it would protect my arm from going any redder or having any more mosquito bites.
I really should have invested in a bug repellent before coming on this nature walk.
"Did you decide?"
"I can't very well make a life changing decision in one day."
"What's to think about? It's simple."
I sighed for he wouldn't get it and neither did I want to get into an argument with him. "Look, you'll know when I know. Until then, can you not rush me?"
He grumbled in a low mutter as if he didn't mean for me to hear, "It's not like I actually proposed," but I did hear.
Be still, my heart.
That... would never happen. Somewhere, my heart dropped at the thought.
Wait, why though? It's not as if I wanted him to do that. What future did we have, after all?
"Anyway," he spoke in a normal voice, "Something's come up and I have to go back today. I guess, text me."
"Hmm," I absentmindedly answered, my mind still stuck on his proposing comment. He turned and left me alone. The trail joined again to the main path where our friends were.
Riddhima bumped her shoulder to mine noticing I was lost in thoughts. That's when I realized I still had his jacket and I didn't know where he was going back to. Australia? Nainital? Where? I had no idea where he lived these days and Riddhima's earlier comments came back to me about how I hadn't taken any interest in him or anything related to him in these past two years.
Was I just as much at fault as him?
. . . ∞ . ∞ . ∞ . ∞. . .
| . . . A U T H O R - N O T E . . . |
Khushi starting to self-reflect on her actions earlier than in the previous version... I always found it annoying when I go back to read that I had kept her ignorant to herself (but I couldn't change it midway with the story ongoing).
When editing this time, I thought to myself: Riddhima is her best friend. No way do best friends let each other go down a path of self-destruction. They show them the mirror. Call them out on the shit they pull.
So, as much as I had liked previously that Anjali had made Khushi realize that she wasn't being fair to Arnav, I had to let go of that. I'll think of another way for the two of them to connect and hopefully, showing Khushi starting to question herself from now will lead the progress of the story better than before.
As always, do let me know what you think! Agree or not, I would love to read either opinion!