I can't promise I will always update, just that sometimes writing makes me happy and sometimes it doesn't, and when it does I will always want to write for you X
Cassie's POV
The room melted into silence after the boys had left, Angel and I sat at the kitchen table, having barely touched our breakfast, and allowed each other to enjoy the peace. This morning had been stressful and I couldn't bare to think about what sort of day Josh and Adam would have. I only hope that the kids that went to our school weren't still stuck in 2000, that they would be able to accept my boys for who they were and who they loved! I can't understand why they wouldn't but then I can't understand a lot about people these days.
"I don't think I'm going to school today" I announced to the room and myself more than to Angel. Nonetheless he looked up stunned.
"Miss golden scholar and all round mother Teresa missing a day of school? You must be deathly ill" he mocked, eyes bright and teasing.
I placed my hand dramatically across my forehead "Mmm I think so" closing my eyes I dipped my head back until it hit the back of my chair, sliding down in my seat.
"Are you for real dying?" He raised his brows giving me a side eyed glance that probably shouldn't have made my breath catch but unfortunately it did
"Nah I just don't feel up to school today" I shrugged getting up from the table and taking both our dishes to the sink
"As much as I am glad you are not dying because who would do my laundry..." he chuckles at the glare I shoot in his direction "it's not like you to miss school, I might not be here very long but I'm pretty sure of that" he follows me over to the island in the centre of the room where I'm washing up, grabbing a towel and begins drying.
"I guess it's not very like me no, but maybe I'm not feeling like myself today" I look away from him and towards the living room opposite
"Wow deep" he rolls his eyes and nudges me so that I end up stumbling away from him, luckily catching myself off the counter top before I can face plant.
"Listen I just don't want to go today ok? And seeing as I am the authority on what I do around here I'm allowed to bunk without needing to explain myself" I finish my sentence by letting the plate I'm washing slip from my hands and clatter loudly against the steel of the sink "shit sorry"
"Swearing, skipping school and dropping plates, I don't know who you are but I want to know what you've done with Cassie" Angel sits the last dry plate into the cupboard before sitting back against the dresser, eyes intently focussed on me looking for answers but smiling so that we still remain wrapped in an apparent joke that thick with tension
When I remain silent he lets out a long breath, "well alright then what are we going to do for the day? I have work at eight but there's lots of daylight left before then"
"I was going to go for a run actually, I feel like I need to release some tension after the last few days" I laugh half heartedly
"Cool I'll grab my gear" Angels moved towards the hall but I stop him for some reason I'm not quiet sure of, like a gut reaction.
"Actually I wanted to go alone...if that's ok with you"
He turns around looking at me with the same piercing gaze he's been using since we were left alone "are you sure you're alright?"
For a moment I don't answer, too busy looking at his face studying an expression I can't read, he's curious? Angry? Disappointed? Indifferent? I really can't tell. "Yeah, I mean I think so, I just really need to clear my head! You must have those mornings too right?"
"Yeah I guess so" he says quietly
"Right we'll um, I'm going to go get ready, I'm probably just going to clean the house later it's a mess! You go enjoy your free time" before he had a chance to answer I push past him into the hall and upstairs to my bedroom.
I collapse onto the bed for a moment my heart racing which is odd, I didn't exactly sprint up the stairs or at least I thought I didn't. Maybe the way Angel was looking at me had made me unsettled or something. Either way it was a crappy feeling and I wanted it end. I picked up my runners sliding them on quickly, grabbing my iPod and jogging back downstairs and out of the house. Luckily we lived pretty far from other houses in a Forrest like area. It would appear that we loved deep in the country but actually we were only a ten minute drive from the town and school, we were perfectly placed in a quiet escape, without actually needing too escape, that had been my parents dream.
It seemed it didn't matter how loud I played the music, what song I chose or what route I decided on today because nothing was working. My breathing was out of sync, my legs burned and head throbbed from the pressure of trying to keep going. Sweat stuck to my forehead and the cold air stung against my eyes. Frustrated I collapsed against the first big tree I found, I wanted to take a few minutes to get my breath back and then I would try again!
It must be all the commotion this morning, Adam and Josh, I was worried sick about them and then not to mention Sammy, I could stand what Derek had put him through, the anger must be making me kind of crazy. That had to be the explanation for why I was so not myself today, I can't think of anything else!
On my third attempt at gaining some sort of momentum I have to quite, there's no point in going further when I'm already exhausted and I'll have to turn back. I always run home but not today, I don't feel like It.
By the time I reach the house I must've been gone more than an hour, Angel was in the kitchen making coffee as I peeled off my shoes and socks, grimacing at the sight of two new blisters.
"Are you calm now?" He smiles bring the steaming mug to his lips
"The opposite actually" I bark despite not wanting to
"It didn't help then?"
"No it made it worse, I couldn't do it today I'm such a mess" I rub my hands over my eyes frustratedly
"Maybe you're tired" he comments probably after serving the large purple bags wrapped around my eyes
"Probably" I say limping my way to where he stood taking his cup and taking a sip.
"Would you like a cup maybe" he joked giving me another breath taking crocked smile, I couldn't deny how gorgeous he was, those stringing eyes and blindingly white teeth. Maybe If I didn't feel like my blood was heating my entire body I would've stayed and taken the cup but I can't bring myself to do it.
"I've got cleaning to do" I announce before marching to my room, where I spend at least ten minutes pacing.
I swap out my running gear for a pair of loose sweats and a tank top, tie my hair in a messy bun and begin my tidying with my room. As organised as I usually am I have let the house become a bit of a mess, empty cups, clothes and random sheets of paper fill almost every corner of the room. Maybe that's why I'm so agitated, cluttered living space equals a cluttered mind or something like that.
After my room, I move to the bathrooms where work silently for about fifteen minutes. I'm furiously scrubbing at the walls of the shower when I'm struck in the back by something soft. I whip around to see Angel smirking at me
"Thanks for that" I grumble picking up the rubber gloves he's thrown at me
"I can smell bleach from downstairs you shouldn't be using that without protecting your hands" he takes a second pair of gloves from his back pocket sliding them onto his hands
"What do you think you're doing?"
"What does it look like I'm helping" he shrugs moving towards the sink with a cloth
"I don't need it I'm fine you should go have fun" I follow his movements with my eyes, internally (probably a little externally) cringe watching him. I hate when people help, I had my own plan for what and how I was going to do anything.
"Fun? What is there to do on my own around here, there's only so many episodes of say yes to the dress you can watch in a day you know" he snorts
I bite my lip and go back to cleaning without another word, not trusting myself not to say something I didn't mean.
For the next five or so hours we clean the entire house in mostly silence, apart from a few huffs from Angel. I appreciate the silence and particularly the fact that he never asked why didn't want to talk or look at him, or concentrate on anything that wasn't the dirt on the countertop
When we had finally finished and there was no dirt left to clean we settled down on the sofa together and I turned on the tv, it was almost time for the guys to get home from school, a wave of panic settled in the bottom of my stomach at the thought.
"How do you think they did today?" I ask quietly
"They'll be fine, they're big boys they can handle whatever is thrown at them" Angel answers glancing up from his phone
"Yeah I guess you're right" I didn't want to sit with Angel anymore, I didn't want to sit full stop. I brought my hand to my head rubbing over it once or twice and twisting my face into a slight grimace. "My head is starting to hurt I think I'm going to go lie down"
I expected Angel to protest but he didn't, he just stared at me as I walked upstairs once again returning to my room.
What the heck is wrong with you
Stop acting like this
He's going to think you're insane
You are insane
This isn't like you
Why can't you calm down and relax
The thoughts raged on and on and on as I flopped down onto my bed, raising my knees to my chest to feel some sort of comfort. I couldn't seem to feel anything stable today, my heart felt like it was going 100 since the boys had left and even now, laying by myself in my bedroom I still felt like I couldn't steady myself.
I popped my earphones in and blasted the first song in my 'sleep' playlist before closing my eyes and praying for some rest
2 hours later.
I hadn't slept, my I had managed an all time record length of time with my eyes closed pretending to sleep. I heard the sounds of cars pulling into the drive away about an hour ago, and the voices of my boys filling into the house after what no doubt was an eventful day.
I pushed myself up off the bed and didn't bother to look in the mirror before making my way downstairs, I already knew what I looked like.
When I reached the kitchen the boys were all gathered around chatting with Angel whose eyes focussed on me with an expression that made me feel like he was ready to interrogate if necessary. Naturally I looked away, refusing to acknowledge him for as long as I could manage it.
"Well well look what the cat dragged in" Angel announced much to my annoyance
"Hey guys, sorry I didn't come down sooner I accidentally fell asleep" I gave them a weak wave.
"Hey princess what happened to you today!" Riley asked worriedly walking towards me and placing his hard across my cheek "are you feeling ok?"
"It is possible her body has been taken over by some sort of look alike alien version of Cassie" Angel remarked making me roll my eyes while I moved Rileys hands from my cheek
"I am completely fine! I promise you"
"It's n-not like y-you to miss s-school" Sammy stuttered from behind Riley. This was the first time I had actually looked at him properly since I got downstairs. His right eye was covered in a growing purple bruise.
I moved towards him quickly, as I raised my hand towards his eye he flinched back. "What happened to you, why are you stuttering?"
Riley moved to his side allowing Sammy to lay against him. "He's fine now, school was a little rough but he'll be good as new in no time, right Sammy?"
Sammy beamed up at Riley "Right, j-just a force of h-habit" he shrugged lightly
Riley smiled down at Sammy for a moment longer before leaning down and placing a gently and loving kiss on his lips.
I stool my mouth open wide as Adam whistled and Angel made an "about damn time" comment.
"Today must really have been an eventful day" I half laughed my mind revealing in what had just happened
"Yeah I guess you could say that" Riley shrugged with Sammy still wrapped in his arms
"Pity you missed it then" Angel said making me once again glare in his direction
"Drop it" I snapped, he simply rolled his eyes and took a bite out of a piece of bread which made me look at the time. Crap it's way past regular dinner time
"Sorry guys I slept through dinner! You can go to the living room and I'll make something quick" I quickly moved behind the island and towards the cupboards trying to think of what I could make. I usually would've planned this during lunch periods.
"Hey we can help" Adam offers and the others agree but I wave them all off
"Absolutely not you have had a long day just go and do something fun and I'll take care of it"
Reluctantly they all filed out of the kitchen except for one, Angel stood by the sink still studying me as he had been pretty much all day
"Seriously cut it out the staring is really starting to get to me for real" I snapped once again, that seemed to be all I was good at today. I was taking down a bag of rice from the shelf when all of a sudden the bottom opens up and the contents spill to the floor
"GOD DAMMIT" I yell frustrated
"Hey relax will you! We can just order take out tonight for Christ sake"
"No we don't need to I can do it" I grumble
As I'm crouched down on the floor attempting to pick up the hundreds of granules of rice I feel Angels body come and stand behind me, he reached out his hand and places it on my arm pulling me up gently.
"Stop for a second would you, you've been pacing all day just take a second and breath" his bright blue eyes burn into mine making me breathing half, not necessarily what he meant for me to do but it was enough to make him believe I was calming down.
"Just this once we can order out, you're obviously not feeling well, tomorrow we can go back to normal" he smiles slightly almost pleading with me not to keep going. I wasn't just upsetting myself but everyone else, great.
I let out a deep breath and nod "ok yeah just today"
He nods and smiles back at me before moving away and grabbing his phone to order. I grab a sweeping brush while he is busy and clean the rest of my mess.
"So it'll be here in about thirty minutes ok" he moved to pick up his jacket
"Are you going somewhere?" I asked hesitantly
"I have work remember? And I never went for a run today so I'm going to run to meet jack in town and then we'll go together"
"You don't want any food?"
"Nah can't be bloated for my customers" he said slyly patting his stomach "gotta pay the bills"
I rolled my eyes for what felt like the hundredth time today "you don't have many bills and if Jack takes you then you won't have any other customers tonight"
"You're right he'll take good care of me" he smirked
"Ew god that's not what I meant, just make sure you eat dammit"
"Will do mom" he waved walking towards the door
"See you later" I said quietly hearing the door shut loudly.
I ate dinner quietly with the boys when it arrived. They wanted to stay up and watch a movie but I still didn't feel up to it so I excused myself early and slipped out to bed, knowing sleep wasn't on the cards tonight.
Angel's POV
"You better pay be extra for this you know how much I hate thongs" I huffed at Jack working my way around the poll in our private room.
"How ironic a stripper in a gay bar that hates anything between the cheeks" he smirked not looking away from my body
"Mmmm very funny"
"I had a rough day" he shrugged taking a small swig of his drink
"Wifey problems"
"Lifey problems my dear" he looked particular dejected tonight so I decided to pull out the big guns. I stepped off the pole and took Him by the hand making him follow me as we skunked out of the private room and into an even more private and luxurious area in the back of the club.
Each of the more senior boys had a private room where they could take their customers, unlike the smaller curtained rooms these had four soundproof walls, a large king bed, various toys and clothing.
Of course I rarely ever actually needed to use this room, only when I had Jack and one other time, a man had asked to cuddle for a while no sec. I know. It was as weird as it sounded and I hate being the little spoon.
Jack took off this jacket and untied the first few buttons of his shirt. I handed him a pair of sweatpants I always kept here for times like this. He dressed quickly and flopped into the bed without saying a word, sighing in relief and closing his eyes. I had to admit, gay or not, there is something so adorably out of place about Jack out of his suit and relaxed. It made it even easier for me to glide into the bed beside him and let him wrap his arms around me while I laid my head against his chest listening to his steady heartbeat.
Yes, I understand this is what I said I hated a moment ago, but this is different l, it's Jack.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask after a few moments of silence
"No love, I think I could just sleep for a while if that's ok" he smiled slightly never opening his eyes
"Sure thing, I'll wake you before closing"
"Thank you for this" he breathed
"No need to thank me, this is going to cost you an arm and a leg" I shrugged
He laughed despite trying not too and placed a quick and hard kiss on the top of my head "I will never win with you"
"Never" I smiled and we fell back into a peaceful and easy silence.
Later at closing time we did our usual ritual of pretending we had a great night to my boss, Jack paid his bill and drove me home. It's not like him to be so down, it happens occasionally but he will tell me eventually I assume. Even so it unsettles me to see him like that, out of his usual control.
It was close to four am when I grabbed a drink from the kitchen and made my way upstairs as quietly as I could. Usually you hear nothing, and see nothing except for maybe me if I slip on something. Tonight however, the lights were on in Cassie's room and you could hear an anxious voice through the door.
"Calm down you're alright..... don't panic..., forget about it......why are you doing this......shut it up" the whispering was frantic and sounded muffled by sniffling. She was crying.
The idea makes my face screw up and my heart feel kinda heavy, what on earth is she up crying about.
After debating for a moment I knock on the door twice. "Cassie, what's going on"
"Uh N-nothing, I'm fine" she forces, or at least that's how it sounds.
"You don't sound fine" I'll admit my tact is a little lacking, but it is four am.
I can hear her making her way across the room before she opens the door, and man does she look like crap. Her eyes are all red and irritated and bloodshot, her hair is a mess and she's still wearing her clothes from earlier.
"I'm fine Angel go to sleep" she mumbles pretending to yawn
"What are you doing up so early"
"I never went to sleep, but I'm about to, I was busy cleaning"
"Right and you expect me not to be worried about that" I raise a brow at her and lean against the door
She rolls her eyes, "I really don't have the energy angel"
"Me neither, do you need help"
"No just go to sleep I'm fine" she insists pushing me towards my room down the hall
"You're sure?"
"Positive" she attempts a smile.
For some reason, despite my gut feeling to stay, I leave. I still don't know this girl fully, maybe this is normal, maybe it's not my place.
Maybe I'm a coward. And that's the thought I would fall asleep to, with the vision of her eyes in the background.
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Hey! So I felt it was time to bring back some Cassie into this story, she was the beginning after all. This was an extremely personal piece of writing to me, as it gives you an insight into Cassies issue with anxiety and grief. This is the beginning and I realise each and every person is different, for me this is what I'm like. It's an all day event of me just not being present until eventually I have no other option but to let it happen. Just like in Cassies case it can seem unprovoked and random, on the day I started writing this I had a day just like this one, but I didn't finish it because it started to make me more anxious than calm. I don't know does anyone have similar experiences but it's rough.
Good reminder you are alive. Every day you open your eyes has the potential to be a great one, but we must see the bad to appreciate the good.
This is unedited and I don't even know why I'm posting it but
Thank you for your support and I will update when I can, I promise.